[Gently1]

I was having a massage treatment, and during the session I felt the right side of my body was sad. I was not sad. I just noticed what the body felt. It was not what I would call 'me' that was sad.
Specifically my right upper abdomen and neck, face and head.
It all was very real.

I am currently in partial remission of depression. For me this means that I am starting to feel like myself, but continue with extreme fatigue. The last few weeks I have been starting to feel a flare-up of depression thinking and moods.

Is this important to bring up to my Pdoc? or T? I am worried now, yet I was not worried at the time that I felt this distinction between me and the body.
Any ideas on what this means?

I do understand what you mean, although I dont know how to explain how it happens either. And I too get some big emotions come up during massages.
I think I'd bring it up to my T (which reminds me, I ought to do that too).

I've had bouts of depression to varying degrees since being a teen, but I never sought treatment. A couple years ago I started having physical symptoms - which I eventually, reluctantly, had to put down to being 'anxiety' and 'panic attacks' - which was hard for me to accept as I felt 'fine' - not 'anxious' or nervous or panicky at all - but all other causes were ruled out. When I quit work the anxiety attacks stopped for a while but I became so depressed I sought therapy. The anxiety attacks returned several months into therapy, when I finally let my therapist in, and the 'real work' started. My therapist told me that if you block something out - ie, if you dissociate a lot, don't acknowledge your emotions, feelings, the depression and anxiety - what can happen is that they will manifest as physical symptoms, (sickness, fatigue, vertigo, etc,) like the body is screaming for you to finally stop and take notice. I blocked things out for years. I thought I was being a mature adult and 'letting things go', but I wasn't processing or acknowledging my emotions or feelings at all. I was living as a 'false self'...

The body started telling me something was wrong. That I had to deal with it.

There are some who believe that the body 'remembers' - that your memories and emotions aren't just stored in your mind/brain, but in your whole body, 'cellular memories'.. I didn't know what to think of this, but I too have experienced a kind of disconnect between my body and mind.. like 'anxiety' attacks which would have me vomiting, even though in my head I felt 'fine'.. if I didn't suffer from anxiety attacks maybe I'd have put it down to some kind of virus or something - but it happened EVERY week about 24-36 hours after therapy for several weeks at a time when we were doing some pretty intense work (digging into the past, 'rescuing the inner child'...) There was also one week that my T pushed my buttons and finally got me to tap into some anger (I hadn't been 'angry' for a long long time), and what happened is that I could literally taste bile for hours, and I could FEEL the anger churning in my stomach, even though in my head the feeling had long since passed - I'd squashed it down again, not wanting to acknowledge it. My body forced me to acknowledge it. It was the strangest thing. I was awfully sick. (In this instance I had to use EFT, a tapping technique that works on meridian points, to release the feelings. It actually worked, I began to feel better almost instantly.)

I know it might sound whack, and I'm not sure I totally understand it myself, but what is helping me is working with my therapist to go back and heal old wounds, and to connect up the mind and body. Some correlate the 'emotional' mind to the inner child - and it's a matter of healing the 'wounded' child, or some might say the 'true self'.. my therapist also introduced me to something called 'the healing code' - which is kind of like praying whilst tapping into the body's energy field, to heal all known and unknown memories in the body as well as the mind.

I don't know if I'm explaining this very well..! I don't know if you can relate to any of this? You might be experiencing something different, and there are different schools of thought.. As someone very skeptical to begin with I realise how all this might sound.. but.. all I know is what has happened to me. Working with the body's energy - via EFT and the healing code, as well as with the subconscious via hypnotherapy, is what is helping me through this, and I am finally starting to feel better, and more 'connected up'..

I hope I have been of some help.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Gently1

I was having a massage treatment, and during the session I felt the right side of my body was sad. I was not sad. I just noticed what the body felt. It was not what I would call 'me' that was sad.
Specifically my right upper abdomen and neck, face and head.
It all was very real.

I am currently in partial remission of depression. For me this means that I am starting to feel like myself, but continue with extreme fatigue. The last few weeks I have been starting to feel a flare-up of depression thinking and moods.

Is this important to bring up to my Pdoc? or T? I am worried now, yet I was not worried at the time that I felt this distinction between me and the body.
Any ideas on what this means?

Here where I live and work this happening is called a "conversion symptom". Conversion symptoms are when a persons mental illness shows itself in the physical body.

example sometimes my anxiety disorder shows in two different ways the mental side of constant worrying and the physical side of muscles not relaxed, muscles twitches, the physical need to keep moving, fidgeting, restlessness.

every physical and mental problem can cross over into breaking up the symptoms into mental or physical or both kinds of symptoms.

with my depression the mental side is feeling sadness/ hopelessness sometimes suicidal. the sadness part feels like a heaviness, and tired, sometimes crying. when my depression symptoms cross over into being conversion symptoms my legs feel the sadness symptoms of heaviness and tired don't want to move type symptoms.

is this something that is important to bring up to your pdoc... only you can answer that question because only you know what you need to address with your pdoc..

for me I do let my treatment providers know when my depression is showing conversion symptoms because sometimes the fix is as easy as a change of medications, or medication adjustments.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I don't really know but... I know that my body often has panic attacks without cause. I will get all of the symptoms yet none of the thoughts or feelings emotionally for the anxiety attack. I will be freaked out and have no clue why or what caused it. Same thing with depression. I will get all of the symptoms of depression. I have no energy, want to sleep all of the time, cry and not have a clue why. Same thing with anger. I will flip at nothing at all, not have any idea why but I just want to scream and pull my hair out.

This could be caused by other things for other people and even for myself. I've just started seeing this new therapist (only had one appointment with him so far) and I did mention this to him because the main focus was my anxiety. That even when I had no cause to be anxious, I would get the panic attack symptoms all the time. He believed in my case it could be that another part is lurking close by and has been listening and observing and has been getting triggered by something I've not noticed yet. But it likely could be the cause of a number of things for other people. But this is definately something that should be brought up to your t if you haven't yet. So at least you can start to see what's triggering these episodes and maybe learn a way to calm them when you are in that state. Best of luck to you, it's not easy.

[Gently1]

SarahMichelle:
I am just beginning to trust my T and 'find out who I am' - and as his focus is about mindfulness it should be ok to bring up this new awareness-

just some girl:
Wow, I have had the awareness of anxiety has increased since the mood part of the depression has lifted. I remember when I took a job in another country I vomited almost every morning and did not know why, I just pushed on as I have always done.
And like you my body/mind finally said enough is enough...
"false self" that resonates with me, and I have found myself saying I do not know who I am and it seems to make health care providers nervous so I have not said it as it brings too much attention to myself.
Mostly I have lived behind a plexiglass shield as some of my true self was visible but my emotional self was hidden even from me.
EFT- yes I know someone with advanced training and I have seen a major change in her life choices and stress level- maybe I can do the same.
I am intrigued by the 'healing code'.
Your story has been very helpful.

PurpleFlyingMonkeys:
for 'no reason' I will start shaking, and my T has been helping me with mindfulness techniques yet this rare feeling of sadness that the 'body' felt and the 'I' did not feel was mine, I will bring up this week. I will write it down as I seem to be able to hold secrets very well for others and myself.

To all of you thanks so much for being here at PC and helping me ease my anxiety. This is hard work and your support is a breath of hope.
All the best
G

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

The shaking, I know too well and it really stinks. I've been back into journaling and trying to note everything I am experiencing because like you said, it's easy to keep secrets like this. Apparently I keep secrets from myself as well. So I made up my mind, no matter what I think or say, I write everything. And I will have to share it with my t. No matter what. I guess if something happens and my journal dissappears I can't really help that but journaling and being open as much as you can really helps this. I'm hoping that the journal makes it to my t this week, but sometimes it has a funny way of dissappearing when I need to show it to someone but now I just bring it anywhere and everywhere I happen to go to make sure I keep track of it best I can.

Don't get hard on yourself though, these things often do take time. The mind, whether you have parts or not, can and does sometimes keep things from you and from others in an attempt to help you. It can be very hard and very confusing to work through but with time and trust it can be done.

[Gently1]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

The shaking, I know too well and it really stinks. I've been back into journaling and trying to note everything I am experiencing because like you said, it's easy to keep secrets like this. Apparently I keep secrets from myself as well. So I made up my mind, no matter what I think or say, I write everything. And I will have to share it with my t. No matter what. I guess if something happens and my journal dissappears I can't really help that but journaling and being open as much as you can really helps this. I'm hoping that the journal makes it to my t this week, but sometimes it has a funny way of dissappearing when I need to show it to someone but now I just bring it anywhere and everywhere I happen to go to make sure I keep track of it best I can.

Don't get hard on yourself though, these things often do take time. The mind, whether you have parts or not, can and does sometimes keep things from you and from others in an attempt to help you. It can be very hard and very confusing to work through but with time and trust it can be done.

I understand on one level that what I have done and do on reflex is a protective function. I also understand that I can learn other more useful options. I agree this is very confusing especially now I am more aware. I trust this can be done.

On the lighter side when a friend tells me something and it is not to be said to anyone else, I do 'forget' and need a clue to prime my memory.
I have often had to say it is not because I do not care, it is the request to not talk about it and it will be filed away deep. I am begining to understand why this might be...

I have had my T contact information 'disappear'. Computers really.

Thank you for taking the time I am feeling much more secure and my anxiety has decreased a notch with every bit of informtaion I have received. I hope your journal makes it to your therapy session.
G

[Gently1]

amandalouise:
Thanks for the information, I looked up 'conversion symptons' and this is a definite pdoc conversation. When you don't know, you don't know, and knowing is one way I create the illusion of safety. Plan A B C etc. I did not have a plan for my body feeling sad without me.

I read your biography and am greatful that you have chosen to share your experience and wisdom.
G

[anderson]

listening and caring,

we just wanted to let you know that we understand,

our good T in the past called it time sharing.

it is when an alter is present but not totally sharing everything with you!

for those that want to minimise alters roles in DID, It is also considered a time when information is comming to the surface but fist through the body to see how the mind feels about the information.

as those within me become co-con with each other, we also share body symptoms and feelings.

yes if you feel safe with your T do bring it up,

but also wanted to second the thought oos using TFT/EFT. we learned it over 10 years ago and it has helped us recover so much without the long term of blending and healing each others pain.

[Gently1]

anderson:

I went to your blog and started reading.
My massage treatment was a craniosacral, and from my friend of many years that is now apprenticing as a shaman.

Re: How can the body have its own emotion. What does this mean?
"listening and caring"
thank you

G

[anderson]

Originally Posted by Gently1

anderson:

I went to your blog and started reading.
My massage treatment was a craniosacral, and from my friend of many years that is now apprenticing as a shaman.

Re: How can the body have its own emotion. What does this mean?
"listening and caring"
thank you

G

for us we accept that all of us are part of a whole, so when you say your body is having an emotion, what we hear is that another part of you has control of the body but your mind in charge.

to us when we share at different times we are able to feel the whole of those within.

to us it is more then the body, it is the sharing of emotions that are overwhelming a part of you , overflowing into the whole.

but talk with your T, if you have a positive relationship it can help u understand they why of being so sad.

[honeybee777]

I have conversion disoder, been diagnosed for about years, my conversion shows up in different way, the most way it shows up is PNES, psychonegentic NON epileptic seizues, ptsd, STRESS, wehn i would start my monthly period ,having touble swallowing, walking into walls, i was misdiagnoed with epilepsy for many years, then i met an amazing pdoc, who took me through a period of EMDR, which helped me get off all the meds i was on, btw they never workedd for me, i hadnt had any episodes, for fours years, then he retired!!! I started feeling better, then all of a sudden i have had 4 episodes in 4 months, today i disolocated my arm, and other things, im concerned i cant find a pdoc, who takes my insurance and does EMDR, any thoughts? thanks