[possum220]

I have DID. Why can't I really connect with any-one? I can talk to people. It can even seem like am a friend. I can be funny, I can joke I can have serious conversations, But I'm behind a glass wall. It feels like I am heartless.

A therapist I have been in contact with at the clinic has resigned and leaves in three weeks. He doesn't want to loose contact with me. And I don't care if I never see him again. It is that way with everybody.

Is this part of DID? or Depersonalization? Or am I just a cold B......

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by possum220

I have DID. Why can't I really connect with any-one? I can talk to people. It can even seem like am a friend. I can be funny, I can joke I can have serious conversations, But I'm behind a glass wall. It feels like I am heartless.

A therapist I have been in contact with at the clinic has resigned and leaves in three weeks. He doesn't want to loose contact with me. And I don't care if I never see him again. It is that way with everybody.

Is this part of DID? or Depersonalization? Or am I just a cold B......

if you were here in NY, USA no this wold not be a dissociative disorder. many people for many different reasons feel like they cant / dont have interpersonal relationships ie feel cold, heartless, indifferent when dealing with social situations. and it happens for many reasons for example depression makes a person feel like they need to isolate, not show people their real feelings, not have friends, someone who has had a friend move or die will sometimes pull back away from having interpersonal relationships for fear of being hurt again, borderline personality disorder also shares the symptom of having trouble in the interpersonal relationships area, as does being a gay or lesbian or other sexual orientation where there is fear of retribution, racial insecurity has this element of having trouble making friends, as does having physical disabilities....shy people / people with social anxiety also go through this...

here where I live and work depersonalization does carry the symptom of just watching what is going on but its not focused just on watching friends and being cold hearted, inability to make friends, the difference is depersonalization is about not feeling anything not even emotions like heartless, cold... its a numbness of the body and mind, its more about how you feel about your self...not about things like making friends... examples feeling numb, feeling spacy, feeling like you are not real, not all there,..example yesterday my wife and I were talking I was fine then suddenly I felt numb, no emotions my face showed no emotion and there was lack of emotion in my voice. my wife grabbed the grapefruit juice, poured me a glass and had me take a sip. the sourness of the juice re-grounded me to where I could take part in the conversation again. I had a moment of depersonalization because something in the conversation triggered me to switch from totally taking part in the conversation to numbing myself. my wife through it all was still my wife, my friend, my soul mate. the depersonalization didnt change that interpersonal relationship.to my feeling cold hearted towards her or our relationship.

thats not to say I dont have "acquaintances" where I dont feel love and friendship towards them, I know many people who I remain stand-offish when around them because I dont approve of their actions example a co worker of mine can be real gruff with clients and in the business we work in (crisis center) my work philosophy is different than hers. So I tend to pull back away from forming a close relationship with this one co worker. There are other situations too where I have been stand-offish when dealing with other people. but that doesnt have anything to do with my having depersonalization. its about having / establishing interpersonal relationships.

DID is about having alternate personalities that take control...example the alter Sunny Taking over my body and living Sunny's life, the alter Rainy taking over my body and living how Rainy needs to live...Having DID can hinder making friends/having interpersonal relationships by way of alters sabotaging friendships, or just like normal people may think "they wont like me" stuff. Usually with DID the person with the disorder has lots of friends because not only do they have the friendship of their own friends they also have the friendship of their alters friends too. many time I have found myself in situations where I am standing there talking with someone who seems to know me very very well but I dont know them because they were one of my alters friends. my internal process was about trying to figure out who this dude or gal was.

there could be all kinds of reasons why you are not making friends, being stand-offish with others during social situations.. my suggestion dontact your treatment providers they can tell you what this is in you and help you learn to overcome this problem

[possum220]

Thanks for your response Amandalouise.

I can very much relate to being depressed. Having many people move away or die. Rejection. So I suppose disconnection is some kind of safety mechanism. The situation with the therapist has highlighted things right now. I don't think other people would say I am standoffish. They seem happy to see me, which kinda feels weird.

I have been diagnosed with DID as I have different alts in my head that also come out my mouth. Sometimes my body will go into spasms. ect.

This connection thing........ or lack of it, is just making me sad right now.

[wanttoheal]

People in my life growing up vacillated between being okay and being abusive (although even in their okay times, it was often a ploy to lower defenses in order to deeper abuse). Due to that, and the dissociation making me not feel very much a part of my own life, and probably a myriad of other things, I tend to experience similar.

When I first started going to T, I didn't even realize I was so disconnected because it was just how I always was. I didn't know it was different or abnormal. It wasn't until after several years of therapy that one time I realized that I was completely present (I didn't realize that is what it was until later). I don't think it lasted very long, a few seconds maybe. But it was as if someone took off blurry glasses and I could "see" clearly. It wasn't the actual seeing, though that is affected at times as well for me depending on the situation. It was the clarity, the knowledge, maybe not all the emotions but at least a glimpse into something like that.

Even though it was kind of fleeting, it was an amazing feeling and has stuck with me even after all these years.

From then on, I worked hard to try to replicate it. I wasn't able to do it consciously, but I was able to start recognizing how I felt when I wasn't there 100%. Over time, I started feeling that more, but only in T's office. I guess because over the years she became an amazingly safe person for me.

As the years have gone by and I've experienced some healing, I've gained more awareness of those times. I think it's a good first step (or it was for me at least) toward healing. My T always said awareness is the first step to healing.

All that to say that I understand those feelings. I'm not sure if mine come from fear of abandonment, fear of abuse, fear of rejection, etc, but I do think it's a safety thing.

When people leave my life, I tend to dissociate them. I also dissociate people in situations. I remember the event or situation but have no memory of some people that were there, as if they were photoshopped out of my memory.

My T and I have become very close and if she left my life, it would affect me greatly. But most people in my life, when they leave, they just disappear. I don't know that it's that I don't care, it's more that my brain just takes care of it to protect me from being hurt.

Not sure if any of that made sense. I just want to assure you that your feelings are okay to have, whatever they are. There are reasons for it, whether it be from abuse, rejection, dissociation, etc. In time, I believe, you will gain more awareness of when it happens and when it doesn't.

Please take good care and try not to be too hard on yourself. Things just are what they are sometimes and being hard on ourselves about them just reinforces the negative stuff.

[pegasus]

Hello (((((( possum ))))))

It is a safety mechanism to stop you getting hurt. Many people with DID have a protector part that will make sure to keep you all safe.

[possum220]

I truly understand all of your post wanttoheal. I am unable to remember lots of people and events that my sister remembers clearly. The few "connections" I have had lasted seconds and I can't get them back. People leave or die and they get filed away before I even realize.

I do have a protector part Pegs... he is very strong. Nothing gets past him. So things get pushed to the physical. Last night I had chest pains cos this stuff is big inside.... not feeling but being hurt anyway.

I am so grateful for your understanding and the fact you all took time out to respond to me.

Thank you,

[Gr3tta]

Thanks for sharing this Possum. I think you got good responses. I don't know if it's dissociation connected or not, but I have only very rarely felt any friendship or bond of any kind to another person. Sometimes I worry that I might just be any evil person, but then I remember that a truly evil person wouldn't worry about that. Plus, I can bond with animals, which I guess means I am capable, I just choose very carefully.

[possum220]

I can nearly bond with a stuffed animal.....

I have been thinking about getting a turtle as a pet. Sad.........

[Gr3tta]

I like turtles as pets. I had one for many years. I think they're fun to watch.
(I like stuffed animals, too)

[Silversand]

Along with the DID, we have an attachment disorder which is the result of the trauma (according to our T). There is an article somewhere on the internet which is very good that talks about DID as an attachment disorder. There was no one to bond to as a child. People hurt you, that is part of the truama. My protectors don't allow friendships, though i want them very badly. One protector says T is a person, and therefore, has the capability to turn and hurt us...but he is working to let some of us get a little closer to T.

Parts that come out whose job is to keeep us looking normal - but everythng is superficial.

I can make friends and have them, but my others keep everyone at a distance. And, what i find is it feels like work maintaining friendships once i do have them because i keep feeling like i am pretending or that i will do something wrong or they will see through the facade to what's really underneath -

Some inside would not care if our T went away. Maybe a few would say good. But other parts would be deeply saddened i suppose - and it would be traumatizing to them.
One protector comes out and takes all the pain, then hides it.
I don't have many friends. I don't think i really have any close friends except for my husband.
I isolate a lot, and certain protectors work to keep us isolated because that is the way it is supposed to be in their heads.

[designer]

I understand u a lot - my past is blank - well at least in my mind it is - do have several protectors that stand up and stop many things but like u I so wanted friends but yet would push them away
I found an awesome church that didn't care what attitude I had or who was up - they just loved me EVEN WHEN I PUSHED them away - that blew my mind - yea, I take risks by letting people in but it is way lonelier to keep them out - I don't let EVERYBODY in but in watching and testing people - true friends (no matter what happens or what you say to them) wont leave or hurt u - slowly, my protector parts have let some in - but at times STILL push them out but TRUE friends will understand - yea, I took a risk and admitted that I was DID and had issues and that there would be days that I'd be mad, a loner, very sad, run away or be totally blank - some (not true friends) it didn't matter but to some (True friends) helped when I would switch and believe it or not (they don't think I am weird) just loved me thru hard times.
what I am saying - yes, ur protectors will keep everybody out but I got tired and fought back and took a chance of getting hurt (at first it was just by texting and emailng - then I got the courage to talk face to face and know they wouldn't laugh or leave

[possum220]

My protectors have been out and about the past couple of days. Different voices have been out and spasms as well. Yesterday my brains blew a fuse and I could barely walk.

As I write this I realise that my impaired walking may have come from a specific trauma in the past.

Too much too much..................