[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Triggers

Gaaah I'm feeling miserable. I have a terrible cold, and had an appointment with t today. I've been counting down to it since last Thursday. Well I get there and they say he's out for the week until Friday IF he comes back. He's sick and apparently it's serious if he might not come back.

T works at the local clinic, the only one I can afford. And he's the only one there that has experience with DID, which is the main focus of my treatment. None of the other doctors have any experience with a DID patient. They always get sent to him. So now I'm freaking out wondering what will happen if he doesn't come back.

On top of that I have PTSD from a car accident two years ago. And because of a very ill very close relative I've been in the car for 30 hours in the last 2 1/2 weeks on long car drives. Which has caused a lot of anxiety. On top of that my Grandmother (the ill relative) passed away last Sunday and I've been going in and out of dissociative states since. And on top of that we had to make another long trip to attend her funeral. And the viewing, I didn't plan to see her, I've made it a point not to look since I was a small child and saw my Grandfather (I was 5) but when you walked in the casket was made where you had to see, I went numb so I touched her, something I've never done. I just kept staring, numb, willing any feelings to surface but they didn't.

So anyways, went to the funeral, more problems then had to go to the family gathering after, where I was told my father (a huge negative influence from my childhood and the reason for my DID) would not be there. Well he was there. And that's when the dissociation kicked into over drive. I always have night mares but they have gotten much worse sense the funeral.

So with everything going on I've been holding on waiting for the appointment with t. Trying not to break before I go in. But now he wont be in for at least a week, if he comes back... I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm a mess right now, and only getting worse by the day...

Sorry for typing so much but I'm not in the best shape atm...

Try not to freak out PFM. Do you have his email or anything? I would call on Friday and ask for another appointment ASAP. Maybe by saying "if he comes back" they met "if he comes back by then (Friday)".

[shezbut]

(((pfm)))

Did your T come back? Have you gotten any phone calls from the local clinic? Usually, clinics do call a day or two prior to appointments to be sure that we don't forget them.

I would assume that your T must have one or two other professional options in mind for referral, in case he can't return to work for a long period of time. Hopefully, another T at the clinic is attending workshops in order to gain better knowledge of how to work through DID.

Gentle hugs to you

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you both. I called t on Friday and he is back, according to him his blood pressure was over 200 and it's been acting up a lot lately, so he's apparently "back for now" no telling how long the for now will be.

Granted I don't want him, or anyone for that matter to push themselves too far, I've done it and it ends badly, if he's ready for retirement and all then I'd be supportive of that but I don't know where I would be left in the mix of it all.

Perhaps it wont be that big of a deal, I've been learning and getting much better in the five months of recent therapy than I have over the last 11 years of total therapy. But I've been set in changing, in fixing myself and have had hope for it, so maybe I will be able to continue getting better if I have to change doctors. I just don't know how much they will know about the condition and quite honestly, I've already been a test subject for a couple of t's trying to get into the dissociative field, trying me as their first patient, and it didn't go over so well. But the main things with me that have gotten better are not the DID issues but my own issues. Which makes me wonder...

If I can just continue working on myself, letting things come as they wish, and learn to better handle stress and not blackout, maybe I don't have to deal with the DID aspect? Maybe it will just all smooth itself out without specific DID treatment? I don't know but I'd kinda like to just move on with my life, leave the past behind me and not learn what happened in my past, the details during the blackouts. I just want to move forward not backward, I wonder if it's possible if you can learn to manage your own mental state, to be able to basically skip the other parts. Then again it's probably not since fixing myself wont necessarily fix the parts who according to t still think they are in danger, the parts that need help too, and maybe it's not fair to try and heal myself and exclude them. IDK but I'm kind of a mess right now so I'm just drifting by, something I've mastered since childhood. When I get bad, just stop caring and feeling, just float by. Only it also takes away the happiness with the rest of the unwanted feelings but eventually the bad feelings go away and I can feel again and I can start over

I am asking myself the same questions. And I wish I had the answer for you. "DO I HAVE to remember"? And I don't know. I guess it's like you said. Maybe best for you, but not best for our parts who are still stuck in the past. I suppose it wouldn't kill you to take a break though. I've been therapistless for a good three months now, searching and searching. And I've had to learn to depend on my coping mechanisms a lot to keep the parts safe. And that's not a bad thing.

I totally understand about being the test subject . That happened to me twice so far and you're right it doesn't go over well. And then I get revictimized if I try to talk about it. I had a therapist last week who was like "Sorry I don't know about DID" and I loved that. I am so tired of trauma therapists thinking they can put band aids on DID casis. Some of the questions I'm going to ask my next therapist, which is what I asked this one last week, which got me a straight answer are.

"Do you specialize in DID?" Now sometimes they will answer "Yes" and this means they've only worked with two cases who had 2 or 3 self states. I have 16, or more, so that doesn't work.

So my next question is.

"Can you give me a roundabout of how many patients you have worked with, with DID?"

I am tayloring the questions to my needs, and my needs are that I become very suicidal when we start going over abuse so I ask

"Have you ever had to deal with harmful parts/introjects?"

So maybe there's some questions like that you need to ask.

[shezbut]

I agree with Lydia, pfm.

I wish that I could answer your question as to whether or not it really is a necessity for you to talk out these issues regularly, to avoid further complications. An educated guess (on my part) would be that it is a necessity. Maybe taking off a few weeks or so wouldn't hurt your mental health.... But, if we're talking an indefinite amount of time, that just CAN'T be good, imho.

Hopefully, your T will gain better control of his BP soon and will remain a dependable source of support and understanding in your world. Wishing you the very best!

[Bmee2]

i want to say something encouraging but i am clueless. Maybe while T is able to see you, you both can make plans in case T has to leave. You know maybe T can help you find someone else should T be too sick? Hope you both are able to work things out.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Now I'm considering leaving him... But I'm kind of in a rough spot right now, confused about what to do...

I've had to force myself to allow any trust due to some small and (imo) big issues he's done, but he seems to be a genuinely good guy. But he during last appointment seemed to really oppened up my eyes in the treatment I'm getting. And it's really lowered the trust.

We met with pdoc and again she gave me an antidepressant for my anxiety, when I have said time and time again that antidepressants make me depressed. T sat in the office with me and pdoc and encouraged me to try the antidepressant. But when we went back to his office to reschedule he says "well I didn't think she would give you that I don't think that's right for you I think you'd be better with so and so meds"

Then I started thinking about just how much about my problems other than DID does he know, and how much does he claim to know. This is just a tiny bit of the issues I'm having.

I'm having a small mental issue atm, but at the same time I don't give my trust easily and I've been given reason by t to not give the trust so easily. I wont go into details because well heck if somehow computers are monitored and something were to happen I would feel guilty. He hasn't necessarily broken some big law or anything but some things should never have been said with me in the room... Not inappropriate toward me but inappropriate concerning other patients which concerns me that I'm just another of those patients when he's with his other patients.

So perhaps him leaving wont be a big deal, perhaps I'll cut the cord before it gets to that point.

At the clinic we can't change doctors without giving them a reason, and I wouldn't be able to do that, and I can't afford therapy anywhere else so I may just go a bit without therapy. Maybe do online research, read some self help books...

I don't know, I'm back and forth all day every day. Thank you all for being so kind and giving such wonderful advice.

[cryingoutloud1]

i don't think remembering is good for everyone. it all depends on the person and what they can handle . Having a different therapist is hard. I don't think i would go to therapy if i had a new one. i actally and sure i woudn't. the T hasn't retired yet so you are okay but may be if he does you can be refered to someone who does work with DID and can take your insurance. hold on one step at a time purple.

What I don't want to see you do is push him away, before he can push you away. I've been there done that. Stay strong PFM.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I do that. And I justify it with excuses. And granted my excuses may be warranted but I was willing to put up with them until I heard he may be leaving anyways so I don't know what's the deal.

He mentions other patients problems, without giving names, so normally it wouldn't be such an issue but the issue is he also gives examples of the person he always talks about and it just so happened after a session there was a man sitting in the waiting room waiting for my doctor who fit the description to a t, and my t got all nervous and acted funny after waving to the guy so I'm pretty sure I know it was him who t was talking about.

Not just that but he made a comment about a man who was paralyzed in an accident, he got a call durring session one day and got upset (perhaps because he was interrupted) and made some not so pleasant comments about not being able to help the guy and the guy had a wife, he had enough etc. Granted t apologized for saying that in front of me but I heard it none the less. And it seemed really harsh.

Perhaps I shouldn't be saying these things but it's just a lot of things like these, like him getting frustrated and saying g*d*it a bunch while trying to schedule appointments etc.

He's given me a lot of help, a lot of good advice, and no one is perfect, maybe I'm just reading too much into his flaws? He's not necessarily a bad person, I think he seems like a good person, but I hang on every word everyone says. My fiance isn't too fond of that but I don't believe in slips of the tongue really so I take peoples words to heart.

But it didn't seem as big a problem until these past couple of weeks so perhaps I'm just wanting to push him away before he leaves, which is what I typically do anyways... Lot to think about, thank you all greatly, and thank you Lydia for opening my eyes to that, I'll give it another chance, at lease one more time on Tuesday

[Bmee2]

Oh PFM, what you have written is more than a little disturbing.
Something is definitely going on with T. Best of luck to you on your decision and may Tuesday's visit go better than you expect.

[WePow]

It is not easy for DID people to trust. I am sorry you are going through all of this with your T.

[likewater]

Like my bfriend says, "other than that, how was Dallas Mrs. Kennedy?" I understand your concerns working with Ts at a clinic. I go to a clinic where they are all students. The first dxd me as schizophrenic and still stuck by the dx even when I got a pdoc that said she was wrong and I had DID.
No one at the clinic has any experience with my issues, but i've still found them helpful if they are caring and have an open mind. One thing I do recommend is having T set up a backup T in case
he gets ill again. At least someone that has a trauma background. After all, your T had to start somewhere. He had his first client with DID. of course it's better to have an expert. I know. I went to one. He was awesome, and then I found out my insurance wouldn't pay for him. Now I do what I can with what is available. But going it alone doesn't seem to work so well. Love you,Purple.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I feel like quitting therapy. I have a lot on my plate right now, I'm going back to school full time, working 28 hours a week, taking care of my daughter, I'm getting married in April, there just doesn't seem to be time for therapy, that and I'm sick of hashing everything out, I just want to get on with my life, I just want to ignore everything and focus on the work at hand.

Then I get fuzzy headed, ears ringing, in and out of consciousness... And I have to see a neurologist. Who knows if I'm having physical problems as well, and if/when I see this neuro it's likely going to cause me to go back into the psych field from stress... But I don't have time to have physical or emotional problems, and I don't want them. I just want to ignore it all and distract myself. It worked for a few months last year, before the second seizure.

I cancelled t's appointment this week, was my fiances birthday and I had a lot of school work to do. We have an appointment next week but for the following two weeks after he's getting surgery so he wont be in for a while, I may just stop after next week, idk if I even want to go next week, I just want to be normal...

[keepingalice]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I feel like quitting therapy. I have a lot on my plate right now, I'm going back to school full time, working 28 hours a week, taking care of my daughter, I'm getting married in April, there just doesn't seem to be time for therapy, that and I'm sick of hashing everything out, I just want to get on with my life, I just want to ignore everything and focus on the work at hand.

Then I get fuzzy headed, ears ringing, in and out of consciousness... And I have to see a neurologist. Who knows if I'm having physical problems as well, and if/when I see this neuro it's likely going to cause me to go back into the psych field from stress... But I don't have time to have physical or emotional problems, and I don't want them. I just want to ignore it all and distract myself. It worked for a few months last year, before the second seizure.

I cancelled t's appointment this week, was my fiances birthday and I had a lot of school work to do. We have an appointment next week but for the following two weeks after he's getting surgery so he wont be in for a while, I may just stop after next week, idk if I even want to go next week, I just want to be normal...

i hear you...its like dorothy waking up and finding she's not in Kansas anymore and trying to get back to where she was. if only i could be the me pre 2008, then all would be well! onward and upward they say! take care!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I feel like quitting therapy. I have a lot on my plate right now, I'm going back to school full time, working 28 hours a week, taking care of my daughter, I'm getting married in April, there just doesn't seem to be time for therapy, that and I'm sick of hashing everything out, I just want to get on with my life, I just want to ignore everything and focus on the work at hand.

Then I get fuzzy headed, ears ringing, in and out of consciousness... And I have to see a neurologist. Who knows if I'm having physical problems as well, and if/when I see this neuro it's likely going to cause me to go back into the psych field from stress... But I don't have time to have physical or emotional problems, and I don't want them. I just want to ignore it all and distract myself. It worked for a few months last year, before the second seizure.

I cancelled t's appointment this week, was my fiances birthday and I had a lot of school work to do. We have an appointment next week but for the following two weeks after he's getting surgery so he wont be in for a while, I may just stop after next week, idk if I even want to go next week, I just want to be normal...

After all the trouble you went to to find this therapist, are you willing to throw it away and not make the time to go see this therapist you have wanted and jumped through hoops to get?

after you drop this therapist, will you be prepared for more stress and scary days/nights of having problems and not having any therapist to go to?

my first suggestion is before you drop this person read all your past posts and really look at what your past year of posting has been about, what kinds of problems and stressors you have gone through without having a therapist to go to, to talk over your problems and daily stressors with.

then decide if you really want to go through all that again.

your wedding is in april... to me that sounds like theres still plenty of time to plan a wedding and all that comes with getting married. heck you can even do that with your therapist by taking what you are doing and your stressors, worries and accomplishments with planning this wedding, with you to talk about with your therapist. therapy isnt just hashing out the past. therapy is also how are you doing right now today kinds of stuff, my therapist was a fantastic help in being a sounding board for my pre wedding stressors and again she was fantaistic let me ramble on and on for sessions about how everything came together at the last minute and what a great time and stresors along the way, that my wife and I had.

therapy isnt just about the past, its so you have someone to go to to talk the daily good and the bad over with, so that it doesnt just stay ruminating inside and then causing problems at a later time.

I seriously think you need to really take things one step at a time and really think about what you are doing before you make a rash decision to drop out of therapy after all the hard work and waiting you did in trying to get a therapist to begin with. I really dont want you to go through this past couple yrs of what you have posted about over again just because you want to throw away this therapist after all this for reasons of "not having the time to go", "getting married" "got to see the neurologist"

my opinion is that if you have time to make the long thought out posts on here that you do, you have time to go to a therapist and say Hi Im having a great day today or Im having a horrible day today. spend a few minutes talking, unloading your daily stress and then leave.

[likewater]

You are normal. We are all normal. But I do wish I had a magic fairy wand to make the pain go away for you. Alas, I am not a magic fairy, darnit.

PFM I see you pushing away. Pwease don't do that. Stick with it. In the end, it's less painful. You probably barely know, because you won't let yourself near it. You have to tell your therapist that you're pushing him away. It will hurt so much worse to have unresolved feelings and loose ends. Let him help you tie things into a neat package. I know because that's how things ended with my therapist. It sounds like it's getting really hard for you. I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you. If there's anytime to work on separation anxiety, this is a perfect chance.

[Bmee2]

PFM i cannot add any more wisdom to what Lydia, likewater, and amandalouise has already said. All i can add is that i understand your feelings, and your instinct to pull away. May you find the courage to get what you need.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you all... I missed this weeks appointment. I didn't mean to really, I just forgot at first than shrugged it off.

Everyone is right in not pushing away, it wouldn't do me any good. Especially since I was feeling alright the last couple weeks until my brother calls and all of a sudden it's been three solid days of anxiety again! Eck.

But I have trouble with this t. I have trouble with all of them really tbh. But this one always pushes on the DID aspect, talks about that the most saying "Well we don't have time to bs let's get to the real problems" or "we can't just talk about the weather when you come in, we have to dig deeper sometime" and granted I understand that but I don't know what more he wants from me. He says these things when we talk about my drugged out dad, even the day I was talking about my Grandmother who was about to pass away, and it has been difficult on me, I haven't dealt with it still because any time I try to it's too much. But he shrugged it off and went on to talk about the DID.

I get the reasoning and I get that therapy has helped tremendously in the last few months and I'm a ton better than I was, but I just don't know if t and I are the right fit for patient doctor whatever.

Good news though, I talked to my boss and although I'm 4 hours under the full time, she's still going to push through my insurance and I'll be insured in January. So hopefully I can get in therapy with them and be able to see other doctors.

There really is a lot going on and I just want to focus on the here and now for a bit. And t is out in surgery for the next 2 weeks, so it will be a month in between the last time I saw him and the next time I will see him. I guess we will see how I'm feeling at that point. I know I'm not ready to quit therapy, but I think I am ready for a break... I hope so at least.