don't understand my T

One of us was at session today was anxious and unable to change her mood. My t asked if she could do breathing exorcises to try to calm down. I explained to t that she presents this way and if she had to present some other way she would leave and the calm person would step in. My t thinks that my anxious one can be calm. We have a calm alter. I don't know how this works. Can anyone ask their alter to change their mood? And if they do are they still the same alter or do you just switch to the calm alter?

some internal system of alters are set up so that they have some alters that do what is called here "evolving" rather than "categorical" (the DSM uses the term distinct) alters. Alters that are able to evolve are able to learn how to do things like self nurturing, self calming therapeutic exercises like what your therapist was trying to teach you and your alters. many people think every one of their alters have only one way to be, because up until they learn a new way they do present their selves as having only one way to be...

example until you were taught to do a higher level of math all you could do was simple addition, and you had one way that worked for how you did that simple addition. but after you were taught a new way you evolved to where you were able to do subtraction, multiplication, division...

some alters can evolve going from being a categorical alter to being an evolving alter. the only way you know whether your alter is strictly categorical and cant evolve is if you try what your therapist wants you to do.

my suggestion ...maybe you can let go a bit and entertain the idea that maybe this categorical alter may actually want to change to an evolving one.. give your therapist a chance and try what shes trying to teach you and your internal system. you may be pleasantly surprised. besides DID type alters have their own ways of being so what may end up happening if you remain closed on this idea is your alter taking control and doing what the therapist wants regardless of how you think they present their self.

thats what happened to me many times, when ever I told my therapist I cant do this or that and my alters dont do this or that, my alters took control and did what ever I didnt think they should do. alters truely have their own way of being and their own way of perceiving / thinking and behaving. that means if they want to evolve or change then they are going to evolve or change despite what we want or think of them. If I didnt want to go out drinking an alter did it any way, if I didnt think an alter could / should cook they tried to any way...

I cant. My alters seem to be different facets of my personality, one is angry and aggressive, one is carefree and whimsical and one is serious and logical. I would think it would be hard to get an alter to change how they feel because I always felt like peoples alters were "born" out of specific emotions. If that makes any sense at all lol. I don't know how to describe it. Anyway, I get how that would be frustrating with your therapist because it isn't your anxious alters job to be calm. Its your calm alters job to be calm.

Several of my alts did change and learn new skills over time. I had an angry kid alter that was very 'one-sided' at first... ie: she was only ever angry, and always presented the same way. Over a long period of time this alter developed a therapeutic relationship with T and learned many new skills and coping techniques, and eventually learned to experience a full range of emotions. I don't exactly know how or why that happened, but she became one of our most loved and most trusted alters who could pretty much cope and deal with anything.
What I do remember about our work with her is that at first she was ONLY angry, and she was only ever out fleetingly - as soon as another emotion was elicited she left.
I say give it a go - helping anxious alts to learn ways to feel calmer is part of the process of healing. (It might take a while, though!)

Um, just wanted to add that this anxious alt has done a great job of holding all that anxiety so others within you didn't have to. That's a courageous thing to do. A hard thing to do. Kudos to her. (And that ex-angry kid in me says 'She deserves a gift of appreciation!!')

You have given me a lot to think about. The alter at session (not me) was trying to see how to do what the therapist wanted but she couldn't see how to do it. She wasn't able to feel the feeling of calm. All she felt was that she would have to go to let someone else be calm. I do have an alter like you described. She surprised me at session when she wanted to stay out talking to my t. Than she wanted to use the bathroom, (something she hasn't done before). When she got up she went to the door and was amazed by her ability to reach out and turn the door knob and open the door. The same when she used the bathroom. It was like slow motion. She returned to therapy and was very content with her effort. That was the first time that I know of where one of us did something that we didn't ordinarily do. I can't think of another time when that happened. We switch a lot according to the moment. We have always been aware that we must be appropriate in order to not be noticed. We were afraid of being detected. Everyone works together most of the time. Thank you for taking the time to respond

She don't know how to stay. And neither do I. We have tried but we can't find a way to stay. It is like being pulled in so that calm can come out. We don't know how to stay out.

thanks.....

I know. Mine didn't / couldn't at first, either. She would automatically switch out. Staying and learning different things took a loooooong time. You describe her doing something new at the therapy session - trying to go to the bathroom, and her feeling of contentment / acheivement at her effort. That feeling of contentment IS something different to the anxiety. THAT is how change happens. One. tiny. step. at. a. time.

Next time she might be able to try something different. Or mabye not next time - maybe it will be a little while longer before she is ready to take another step. Still, it is all part of the process of learning new things and developing new skills. The hard thing can be wanting things to be different all at once, when the reality is that change often takes a really long time.

The one who tried something new was a different alter. She is someone who is usually very quite but that day all she wanted to do was talk and do stuff. My alter that was at my last session is anxious all the time. She seems the same every time she is present. She tried to be calm but she ended up leaving. Is there a technique to learning how to stay? I have searched all through my mind but I keep coming to a wall with no way past.

Oh, ok - sorry, I didn't pick up on that. I don't know if there is one specific 'technique' but there are certainly things you could try. Some of the things that have worked for my system are talking with the alter (if you have good internal communication you can do this directly, and if you don't you can try talking 'at' them or communicating via journal) and suggesting things for them to try. ie for anxiety you could suggest trying anything that can be used to calm - holding a special object, grounding techniques like counting things in the environment, journal writing or cuddling a blanket or toy... Whatever kinds of things you think might work for you and your system.

Thanks those are good ideas. I have one who is comforted with a blanket. I leave the blanket at my t's office. Maybe I will try that. I will talk to my t. I will let her know so she can remind me the blanket is there.