An update and some questions

I posted a little while ago about how I am concerned I may have a dissociative disorder of some kind. Thank you very much for the kind responses.

In the end I didn't feel able to talk to my Dr about it, but I did tell her I was really struggling and thought I would benefit from extra support and help. I am now waiting on a referral to local mental health services for assessment. Which I think is a good step, though very scary to me.

I keep second guessing myself. Sometimes I am convinced that I am just making all of this up. Then something happens like yesterday where I drew lots of pictures of a very young girl who seems familiar to me, who's name I just know and I feel like she is me. Yet I don't remember drawing those pictures.

From reading on here, I have come across the concept of co-conciousness. This seems to relate to my experiences. Losing time does happen for me but is rare and could be related to other disorders I have. But I often feel like I am not in control, am only watching my body do things and at these times I feel like someone else has taken over. But I do have some ability to communicate with this somebody else, just not to intervene. This means I do remember what has happened but most of the time I feel like I have had no control. Also, it means that whilst I worry about what has happened/what I have done at these times I find it hard to relate those actions to me - they feel like it was somebody else who did them. So whilst I worry it is hard to do anything after the fact to address any issues that have been thrown up.

A big part of this for me is anything relating to money. Sometimes I spend lots of money and I am aware that I have done that, yet I consistently fail to take it into account when thinking about my income etc. It doesn't feel like it was me who spent it, so I seem to 'forget' that this has been spent. Then when I check my balance it is lower than I remember, often leaving me struggling to pay rent, buy food etc. Also, many of the things I have bought make no sense to me. Like clothes that are too small, or that I wouldn't wear. Food I don't eat or don't like etc.

Then there is a bear that I have. When I am feeling upset I often like to carry this bear around with me, like a security blanket. Yet I normally wouldn't take it outside or anything. But at times, I feel like I am watching myself with this bear. I play with it and take it everywhere with me, then become really upset if I need to leave the house and someone tells me I can't take it. To the point that I have refused to go out as I can't have my bear. When this sort of thing happens, again I am often surprised later when someone brings it up and wants to talk about it because I have 'forgotten' it happened until the subject is raised again. It feels like it wasn't me but a little girl called Emily who needed the bear and I have to remind myself that to everyone else it wasn't her it was me and that's why they want to talk to me about it, even though it is Emily who needed the bear not me.

Does any of this make sense to anyone? Does this sound like dissociation?

I do dissociate in other ways, experience a lot of depersonalization and I do it when I have flashbacks too, but they have always been considered part of my other disorders. This feels different and it has been happening since I was a kid. But at times I feel like it must all be in my head. I always had imaginary friends as a kid, and I have always and still do retreat into an internal 'fantasy' life/land when I am upset. Which I understand are very different to DID for instance. Again, this feels different to that though.

I am so confused and it could take weeks before I see someone for this assessment. In the meantime I am left trying to figure out what to tell them and I don't know what to say. I am scared they will tell me I am lying or that I am crazy.

Milli

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I am glad to hear that you are going to be assessed. It's a very good first step and will help in your treatment. You will do fine with the assessment. Just say what is on your mind and answer any questions with honesty. You have a lot of questions and that is good. I wish you well with your assessment.

Thanks Claritytoo.

You are very helpful and supportive, it means a lot.

Milli

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one thing that jumps out at me about your post is this...

here in New York which is in the USA we have two different concepts/beliefs in the mental health filed...

" the child with in" and "alternate personalities"

the distinction between the two here is that with the child with in concept/therapy approach/ belief and having alternate personalities associated with DID is that during the first experience (the child with in) the person perceives the one living inside a person is their self...and in the other (having alternate personalities) the person perceives the one inside as not their self, the alters have their own thought process, how they perceive their environment, their self and those around them...

example

when I draw my child with in sometimes I dont remember drawing her because I am so focused on other thoughts like what the child with in me looks like at that moment or because of steress/ anxiety and other issues that may have caused me to unconsciously or like in a fog, draw my child with in. then when I look at the picture after (whether I remember drawing her or not) ....my....thought process is.....she is me, this is me, I feel like this is me when...

with my alters and drawing them...sometimes I would remember drawing them sometimes I wouldnt.. and the thought process is not in the first person like feeling like this is me....its wow look at her...like her dress, I would never able to wear that but she looks good in it I wonder where ...she.... got it, did ....she... buy it or did someone give it to ...her...., Iwonder what happened to her....things like that where the thoughts/questions and feelings have no connection to me at all, shes has her own life, name and has nothing to do with me...

one of the diagnostics with DID is that alters have their own way of being their own thoughts and such separate from the host in which they live in.

taking a guess based on what you wrote in your post...(you refer to her as ....you....feeling like the girl in the drawing is you....) it appears to me that you may have connected with "your child with in"

everyone has times when they acknowledge their self and how they were as a child, or they react like a child would examples getting so angry you just want to throw things like a child, feeling like you want to color or do other things you used to do as a child, make drawings in child thought modes, eat unhealthy foods that you liked as a child....all those are completely normal ways people feel/connect with the child they used to be in other words getting in touch with their child with in.

anyway my guess not diagnosis is maybe you got in touch with your child with in.

there are many reasons why a person does things like what you posted... for example when I am under stress, sleep deprived, over tired, or my meds are too high or too low, havent ate the right dietary foods, ....I get to feeling like I am just doing things and have no control over whats happening, just watching as if from a distance or like in a fog...

its not my alters because I dont have alters any more, all my alters integrated/merged with me/ became one with me.

dissociation is one of those things that is considered to be completely normal and then spans out into the abnormal. for me my dissociative symptoms are not because of DID any more. its just the way my body reacts to all the stressors and problems in my life. it even happens when I am feeling very excited and extremely happy. my doctors tell me its completely normal for me to feel this way given I have depression, PTSD, Bipolar disorder and MS coupled with working and being a new parent, anxiety... gosh so many things make me feel those things you posted about..

you said you are second guessing...part of that is probably because a qualified professional hasnt told you whats wrong with you yet because you havent talked with your treatment providers...

see the brain works in amazing ways. part of its job is to compare/contrast/ question our selves/self critique our own behaviors, thoughts, actions, and form hypothoses, guesses based on our assumptions, core beliefs... it even throws us curve balls by jumping to the wrong conclusions sometimes, unconsciously omitting what we dont want to know or think about conjuring up our worse fears, daydreams, entertainment....our human brain has so many things it can do...

as a result only a qualified professional can actually form an accurate diagnosis of whats going on inside the human body and what mental disorders we have...

my suggestion...I know you are afraid but wouldnt it possibly be less stressful on you if you talk with a medical docotr, therapist or psychiatrist instead of this constant questioning, second guessing, wonder and worry on your self..

please consider putting your fears aside for a few moments and talk with a treatment provider.

Thanks for your response AmandaLouise.

A lot of what you have written makes sense to me. When I was in therapy a few years ago we did some 'child within' work. Is it possible to have more than one child within? I mean like at different ages? So the one who draws pictures, that is the one called Emily and she feels pretty young. But there is also an angry teenager with a different name and personality, but who I still feel connected to.

I don't know, this whole thing is confusing and scary for me.

I haven't been able to bring myself to talk my doctor about it yet, but I have asked for a referral to mental health services that she is arranging for me, and I sent her a letter which was a copy of one of my previous posts. She didn't mention it when I saw her but she should have got it and read it by now. So I am hoping that will prompt her to ask me about it as I simply can't get the words out to start the conversation by myself. When I try I end up blanking out and tend to come out of the appointment being told I am doing well but not having talked about what is really going on. This is not helpful.

Anyway, thank you very much for taking the time to read and reply to this. It is very helpful to me and I really appreciate it.

Milli

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can there be more than one "child with in" Some treatment providers around here believe so and others I have talked to believe the child with in is like a limitless, rope that begins with a persons birth and continues through out a persons life time..

see the child with in is a state of mind...

for example when you think about one of your holidays. now think about how you felt on that holiday when you were different ages..

lets pick something everyone can relate to...a birthday party or ringing in the new year..

now when you think about these special occasions what kind of feelings and memories come to mind, now notice how you are feeling at this moment. are you feeling like you did in that memory of that special occasion? did you suddenly get a happy feeling like you did when you were that child on that special occasion years ago?

thats what the child with in is. it can be any age, any emotions because its you and your feelings of when you were a child.. now think about how you would represent that child with in if you were drawing this child with in feelings.

thats what the child with in is, its time less, limitless and you can get this feeling like a child any time any where and you can put names to these child like feelings about you when you were many different ages. with this child with in concept the only limits are the limits you put on it your self

some people decide they are going to only contribute their child like feelings/wants/needs to one child with in image of their self when they were one age and others contribute their child with in feelings/wants/needs to many different ones based on how old they were when they had these same child like feelings/wants/needs.

for example when I am feeling happy child like feelings I tell my wife, the 5 yr old me is having fun in the creek (because I am feeling like I did on that day long ago when I was 5 and wading in the creek) when Im very angry and just want to scream holler and kick I say great here goes the 3 year old me again because when I was three I threw temper tantrums every time I got mad. the two feelings are so conflicting and different so I naturally dont contribute the angry me emotions to the happy me emotions and the other way around. Its all me and its me at different ages.

You make perfect sense to me :-). What you are describing very closely mirrors a great deal of my experience with dissociation. Rarely have I had real "blank outs" of time, but time is discontinuous for me. I have to look for clues in my environment to fill in the gaps, or to use another metaphor, to put together the links into a chain of time.

I've been in treatment (therapy and medication) for 20 years, so it is all much different now, thank heavens. But I still have breaks in the chain of time. I'm better at working around it, and it's more a "normal" part of life, but it happens.

Thanks for your replies Amandlouise and Montanan4ever.

I see what you mean about the child within AmandaLouise. For me though, this child me, Emily, isn't associated with any particular time or event. Like, if I think back to a happy memory of my childhood I can feel that I was happy then but if I picture it I picture very clearly me at that age. Whereas Emily doesn't look like me at all and I can't relate her to any of my memories or recollections really. Likewise the angry teen, who is someone I argue with often in my head as she doesn't like me very much and is very destructive. I was like that at times as a teen, but again when I picture her she doesn't look like I did back then and I can't directly associate her with what I did/went through. There are times though when I have flashes of memory that don't make sense and then she appears in my head kind of smug and I know they are to do with her.

I am hopefully going to be getting an assessment soon, apparently there is a form in the post for me to fill in before they will give me an initial appointment. Hopefully they will be able to help me figure this out.

Montanan4ever - I am glad I make sense to you, and that things are getting a bit easier to manage for you. I hope they do for me too one day.

Milli

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The child with in isnt always directly associated with a time or event.. I use direct time and events as a way to explain the concept..

the child with in is about feelings/emotions/behaviors/attitudes/ ....those kinds of things...

examples...
feeling like a child or the child you used to be
feeling like you just found/figured out the most exciting thing
feeling like its your birthday and you just got the present of your dreams or worst fears

reactions/behaviors...
hating someone so much you just want to punch their lights out so you pick a fight with them
arguing with someone and reacting like a child by throwing things
Adults throwing temper tantrums, or other childish behaviors when they dont get their way...

I use the directness of time and events because every human being has at least one time or event that they can remember that has brought them to feel intense emotions.

thanks for more information. Im taking another ....guess and wondering about something...not making a diagnosis mind you..

With some people their child with in is as real as your best friend standing beside you..in other words is an "alter Ego" similar to DID type alters but a bit different..

example my wifes niece was over this weekend. I wasnt always her "Aunt" until my wife and I married I was Aunt Sandi's friend ( she thought of me as someone who was fun to have around, play with and be on best behavior around company type attitudes) Now that Im Aunt Amanda. Im family not "company and Aunt Sandi's friend" .

I had told her to pick up her toys before going out to play. She turned around with the most hateful emotioned face and told me NO you are not my boss. This was the first time of out right defiance between me and her.

I suddenly had the ...feeling.... of uncontrollable laughter. (inner child)

Like an adult I was I Told her I understand its hard having me become your aunt instead of friend and that sometimes having people tell you what to do is not the kind of fun we used to have but its time to pick up the toys, you can do it or I can help you. which would you like to do.

Her stance, and attitude changed immediately and she said Im sorry Jenny doesnt like to behave. Who's Jenny? oh she gets mad and she hates people telling her what to do.

At first I thought Jenny was her invisible friend.So I turned a bit so it was clear I was not taking to Joanie. Ispoke to the invisible Jenny...Im sorry I made you mad Jenny. We have a rule in this house that we dont leave toys out for others to step on and get hurt. please come and help Joanie and I pick up the toys.. Most people with invisible friends point out where the invisible friend is But Joanie did not point and say "Jenny is over there but Joanie didnt do that. So I got a bit concerned and got a conversation going as we picked up the toys. Joanie told me more about Jenny who lives inside her. I checked with her parents and suggested a possible psych eval should happen.

I discovered they were aware of Jenny. they had taken Joanie to a psychiatrist and discovered Jenny is Joanies inner child / alter ego.

your last post reminds me of Joanie and Jenny.

An alter ego is similar to DID type alters but a bit different too. the person appears to switch and react as the alter ego. in simple terms an alter ego is a second self, Alternate personality that is the complete opposite of the person they are inside. usually if this is the case the person has only one but in some cases there can be two. A child self and a parenting type self. there is a therapy approach to this called Parent, Adult, Child. (the adult is the main person and the parent and child are the adults alter ego.

but like with DID only a treatment provider can diagnose whether those with in are alter egos vs alters with DID. thats how closely these type of alters resemble each other.

From your post information yea I ....personally.... dont think the situation is a run of the mill "child with in" concept.

From all the information in your posts I do personally think this points my wondering mind towards possible alter ego or alter with DID. Please dont take this as a diagnosis. its just my minds thoughts on this.

my suggestion ... it is worth having a mental health professional off line looking in to this with you. My therapist is always saying...if it concerns/bothers you its worth bringing up.

Milli, please know you are not alone in this. This is something that occurs to lots of us here. I have dissociation issues as well. Not the multiple personality type, but the dissociation kind. I to lose huge chunks of time. I write a lot, and since being here has seen with my own eyes that the things I often post or the responses I give others are not something I recall having written. I recognize the writing style now, and that is confirmation that it was me. The T has shown me how to recognize that it is me, and that the things I say and the feeling I have are the same. It just appears to be written in two different manners and one is carefree and the other more direct. The T is fine with that. They are both really me. She sees no huge issues w/ it. If it doesn't bother me and doesn't stop me from being able to function then it is ok.

For me it is mostly PTSD related. There are times when certin things in my enviorment are just more them I can bare. Other times it is a comfortable way to pas the day. Huge chunks of time have passed, and I have accopmlished nothing. I lose everything, don't remember who I talked to, who called. I do it while driving and I can tell that somedays it is just best not to drive. I also have ADD. I don't medicate it either.

Because I do not work and my H lets me stay at home and take care of the house and kids, I don't really need to medicate it. And the dissociative stuff seems to be a state of mind that is safe to go to when the kids are asleep, or when someone is home to help watch them. The T says there is no way I could hold down a job w/ the issues I have but I don't work so it is not a problem.

I don't quite understand the inner child stuff, My T worked on t hat some w/ me and we didn't get real far. So we moved on to something more useful. It seemed to be something that the T understood better then me. For example when my H and me were in T together, my H would talk, and I would start biting my nails, next thing you know tears would start running down my face. My T would tell my H to stop talking, and she would switch her attention to me and tell me my inner child( the abused one) was here and ask to talk to her. I remember t he T asking why the tears, and I would tell her, (at the time my H was abusing me and I felt a connection to the mental abuse suffered from my rapist.) after talking to my inner child, the T would explain to my H what was happening and then the T would talk to me the adult, and show me how my life and my childs life were different. It was most strange. It is not something I experience often. I don't recognize it on my own. But when that was happening I was under a tremendous amount of stress.

My T knows I have these issues. No one took my children away, no one gave me a terrible label, no one suggested I was crazy, I needed psy care,no one thought I was a danger or not safe, or anything. It is ok to have these issues. It is ok to have them diagnosed. It is just giving your issues a name and getting confirmation if that is what you need or want. If it does begin to interfere w/ normal life then you can do things to help and intervene. I hope my life story was not to much. I didn't mean to rob your thread. I just wanted to give you clear confirmation that is ok. It didn't use to be ok, but this day in time it is something you can live with.

Thank you Big Mama, for sharing your story with me. It is a relief to know I am not alone, definitely.

Sadly for me, things are at a point where it is interfering with my life. But I am waiting to be assessed and will hopefully be starting therapy soon. I am less bothered by a diagnosis than I am about getting a handle on things. I want to understand myself, because I think that is the best way to manage things so I can get on with my life.

Some days, like today, it is very hard. I have flashbacks and/or dissociate and I miss time, then find things I don't remember doing. Such as this morning, I drew and wrote some stuff I don't remember doing. But I think it has given me a lot of insight into what I was experiencing so in that way it can be useful.

Sometimes I think I may have DID, or another dissociative disorder. Other times I think it is a part of PTSD. The worst are the times I think I must be making it up somehow.

Whatever the case, I think therapy will help me work it out. I am scared but also hopeful (for right now anyway).

Milli

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I don't think you are making it up. We would not ever make up something so terrifing for ourselves.

Different personalities and such can be dealt w/ in T as well. It is all a very complicated thing. I do not fully understand how all that works. I am indeed very sorry it has gotten to the point where it interferes with your life so much.

Keep in touch with us here at PC. Let us help hold up. Best of luck dear.