[CalmingOcean]

That's basically it. But the thing is I don't feel like I have different people in my head... Different parts of me maybe. But I don't feel like they 'take over'. Yes I am very forgetful, like extreme I get that, and sometimes I will forget the question I am trying to answer after starting in to what I thought was answering it and have to ask her to repeat it. I know there is one side that really wants help for my baby boys sake, and one side that seems to think I am fine, and then of course little victim me that can't seem to ever find words to speak... But they are all me you see. I don't ever suddenly become 7 and want to play with dolls and color and forget, I don't have people say they know me by something different, I feel like I am me with different sides that everyone seems to have... I guess it's just the forgetfulness I often have but I thought that was just all part of dissociating.

Anyways, I am so confused and she is avoiding answering what she thinks is wrong. But she says we can't start EMDR treatment until all of me learns to trust her, and eventually, if she is a good therapist, all of my parts will integrate as one, and then she will know when I am sitting there and she is talking to me, that she is talkng to the actual me...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

That's basically it. But the thing is I don't feel like I have different people in my head... Different parts of me maybe. But I don't feel like they 'take over'. Yes I am very forgetful, like extreme I get that, and sometimes I will forget the question I am trying to answer after starting in to what I thought was answering it and have to ask her to repeat it. I know there is one side that really wants help for my baby boys sake, and one side that seems to think I am fine, and then of course little victim me that can't seem to ever find words to speak... But they are all me you see. I don't ever suddenly become 7 and want to play with dolls and color and forget, I don't have people say they know me by something different, I feel like I am me with different sides that everyone seems to have... I guess it's just the forgetfulness I often have but I thought that was just all part of dissociating.

Anyways, I am so confused and she is avoiding answering what she thinks is wrong. But she says we can't start EMDR treatment until all of me learns to trust her, and eventually, if she is a good therapist, all of my parts will integrate as one, and then she will know when I am sitting there and she is talking to me, that she is talkng to the actual me...

EMDR here in america is a series of sessions, in a particular order which teaches the patient/client how to self calm self nurture when they are in distress...anxiety/panic.....

it consists of 8 phases....
the first one is when the treatment provider does an assessment of whether the person is ready to do the actual EMDR process. ....does the patient have the skills to stay calm, focused on the exercises, can they have discussions about traumatic memories without getting panic attacks, anxiety, feeling numb, spaced out,....if they cant stay in the present moment without major problems when discussing trauma, then doing the EMDR is not advised because it can cause a person more harm then good.

the second phase of the treatment is if the patient doesnt have the skills to self nurture/keep their self focused in the present moment, keep from having anxiety/numbness/ spaciness.... then this is the phase where they learn how to do that...example if the patient keeps feeling spaciness numbness then now is the time they learn how to ground their self back in reality so that they are not feeling numb, spacy, disconnected.

the third phase is discussing the trauma in great detail. let me give you a generic trauma related example....lets pretend for a moment I am afraid of dogs because I had gotten bit by one. during this phase I would have to tell the therapist about getting bit by that dog in great detail.... what the dog looked like, what I was feeling, about the actual biting, how it physically felt as that dogs teeth got me....short version its like reliving the trauma all over again, many times allowing your brain to process that truamatic event through your body and every one of your senses.

if someone is numbing their self, spacing out, disconnecting their self emotionally/mentally its just a waste time for the therapist and the patient because the brain wont do its job of processing that traumatic event. and worst the patient can end up suicidal or worse, psychotic/ stuck in the past literrally to where they are unable to be in the present and out of mental facilities. in short end up living their whole life time behind the locked doors of a mental ward because they were not able to reground their self out of their minds reliving the trauma, reground their self out of their dissociative symptoms...when this happens its not a good thing. At the hospital I work at there are many people who are psychotic/living in their past traumas/perceived dangers. not because of EMDR but because they just cant put their self out of that past moment..every day of their life is living in horrors of their minds rather than being out of the hospital.

Im guessing this is what your treatment provider is trying to do. she has assessed whether you are ready for the process (phase one of EMDR) and now she wants to help you learning tools/skills you need so that you can control, self nurture, bring yourself back out of your feeling numb, spacey, disconnected (phase 2 of EMDR) once you have mastered keeping yourself fully grounded, non dissociated then it will be time for you to move into phase 3 which is actually doing trauma work (retelling, processing the traumatic event)

4, 5 and 6 phases are part of this work. retelling the traumatic event many times along with exercises like moving your eyes, and body parts, and sometimes it involves hand held tools that vibrate or give a small electrical zap that is harmless like static electricity zap you get from taking freshly dried clothing out of a drier. Sometimes it involves retelling the traumatic event while tapping a place on your body.....

the last 2 phase, 7 and 8 of EMDR is ending the sessions. having the patient continue using the EMDR process on their own. reporting back to the therapist on a schedule of sessions some meet weekly some as little as monthly, to check in on how things are going and any problems that have arisen in doing the process.

Once the process of EMDR is over that patient has the tools/skills they need so that they no longer need therapy for that problem any more. they can terminate with their therapist and go on living their life just like any other normal person does without having that traumatic event causing them problems anymore.

my suggestion continue working with your therapist, they know the speed at which you will be able to go through this process. eventually you will get to the point where your PTSD related dissociative symptoms wont interfere with the process. (Here in america under the new DSM 5, PTSD now includes those dissociative symptoms you have posted here and in other threads, canada may have other standards, my writing ......PTSD related dissociative symptoms.... is just using the wording of my location.)

[SkyWhite]

OMG...I could have written this CalmingOcean.

I feel my T is suspecting DID too, but I don't lose gaps of time or play with dolls like you say or have people say I've done stuff I can't remember. (Although I have no idea who ate that muffin the other day when there are only 2 of us here. If I have another personality, I hope she's not an overeater!)

My memory has been going a little weird lately since all the trauma memories have come up. My dissociating is worse than ever and the headaches are a pain but I don't think I have hidden personalities in me.

I feel like I'm a little different depending on the circumstances and figure everybody is like that to a degree. I have a tough part to me, not a bi-tch but street smart, I have a spiritual side, and intellectual side and so on. But I'm aware when these parts when they are happening.

I wish I had more answers.

[Kiya]

Hi - I am similar to you with the dissociative piece and the different "hats"; the spiritual self, the intellectual self, the street wise one. But I do have moments when those are ONLY those... if that makes sense. Like there is no "I" that is the one here writing this. Or that we "share space". There are also kids who didn't know they were kids until MUCH later.
I do know that after a swap, the headaches are pretty bad. Or I'll have stomach problems. Sometimes a self is so like "me" that I won't realize there was a switch (or swap or whatever term) until I have the headache or find there's a chocolate bar missing - just the wrapper - and I live alone... I really wanted that. That sort of thing.
There are different ways of being DID or DDNOS. This one is more co-conscious. Others have thicker walls between parts or can't hear each other, or only some can hear others, etc.

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

I feel my T is suspecting DID too, but I don't lose gaps of time or play with dolls like you say or have people say I've done stuff I can't remember. (Although I have no idea who ate that muffin the other day when there are only 2 of us here. If I have another personality, I hope she's not an overeater!)

My memory has been going a little weird lately since all the trauma memories have come up. My dissociating is worse than ever and the headaches are a pain but I don't think I have hidden personalities in me.

I feel like I'm a little different depending on the circumstances and figure everybody is like that to a degree. I have a tough part to me, not a bi-tch but street smart, I have a spiritual side, and intellectual side and so on. But I'm aware when these parts when they are happening.

I wish I had more answers.

[Kiya]

Hi...so here's what I think, take or leave is totally fine. I said a lot of it in my other reply there, but several things come to mind regarding your post.
One is that I don't have people coming up to me and saying they know me by different names either... tho sometimes people "knew" me, when i had no clue who they were. Forgetful? Dunno.
Another thing is that "integration" is an old term. And old therapy goal, and mostly outdated now. It is (for most) a far better goal to get "everyone" or all your sense of Self on the same page and to communicate and have the same goals - like you said; one knows something is wrong and wants what is best for your boy, one doesn't think anything is wrong (i also have that)... one feels young... etc. It is more important for each to have a voice, to express their thoughts and emotions and look at root causes and to come to agreement as a whole because all parts are needed to the whole. Like 'the sum is more than the total of the parts'.
Also, while EMDR is a useful trauma tool, it is often very hard to use with dissociative people - instead of working to resolve issues, it seems to help us dissociate more. So your T is right in that regard that it isn't the right time. In fact, I have found that EMDR is actually more useful for bringing me out of a state. Something you might talk with T about.
Hope some of that is useful. best!

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

That's basically it. But the thing is I don't feel like I have different people in my head... Different parts of me maybe. But I don't feel like they 'take over'. Yes I am very forgetful, like extreme I get that, and sometimes I will forget the question I am trying to answer after starting in to what I thought was answering it and have to ask her to repeat it. I know there is one side that really wants help for my baby boys sake, and one side that seems to think I am fine, and then of course little victim me that can't seem to ever find words to speak... But they are all me you see. I don't ever suddenly become 7 and want to play with dolls and color and forget, I don't have people say they know me by something different, I feel like I am me with different sides that everyone seems to have... I guess it's just the forgetfulness I often have but I thought that was just all part of dissociating.

Anyways, I am so confused and she is avoiding answering what she thinks is wrong. But she says we can't start EMDR treatment until all of me learns to trust her, and eventually, if she is a good therapist, all of my parts will integrate as one, and then she will know when I am sitting there and she is talking to me, that she is talkng to the actual me...

[CalmingOcean]

Thank you for your answers guys, it is helpful. I just don't understand it and I am becoming a bit obsessed in trying to figure it out. I never knew my many headaches could be something related to any of this... I am staying with my MIL for a bit till our house is ready and she comments all the time about how many headaches I get, and it never bothered me, I just learned to live with them.

I think you are right Kiya in the EMDR could cause worse dissociation, I beleive she saw that after last visit I just end into some kind of extreme hyperarousal that I haven't had in a while. She is my first trauma therapist so I can only assume I associate her now with the part I have been trying to forget for so long and she now has become a trigger because of it. I was fine in group right before our appointment and then the second I saw her it was like I snapped or morphed or whatever. And tho I don't remember the full appointment, I do remember some of it... I just thought I had a really bad memory...

[Claritytoo]

The only thing that made me think that I might have issues was when I could see myself from out side my self. So I might be doing something that wasn't good for me and I would see myself doing it. I couldn't stop from doing it even though in my head I kept thinking that what we were doing wasn't good. I could only see myself. I started to think I was crazy. I mentioned this a friend and she told me that I dissociated. I had never heard the word before. I googled it and found myself in the discription of DID. I still didn't think it was so but I started to see a therapist. After a few years we were willing to aknowledge we exist and we switch. Knowing this has helped me to not freak out so much. That and some medication helped me to lesson my panic attacks and to not think as myself as being crazy.

[CalmingOcean]

AmandaLouise... Somehow I missed your post!

I will have to re-read it later tonight and answer, to much going on right now for me to focus.

[CalmingOcean]

Omg Amandaloise that is the best description of EMDR! And seriously, I have searched, I have watched youtube videos, read up on Francine Shapiro, I probably psyched myself out worse than anything, scared of failure, letting T down (she was seemingly abrupt at first I was unsure, but now after three visits with her I quite like her I think- part of me anyways). I dissociate really bad, I know that now. I am going on 31 and never ever knew it was even a thing. I was never blind or ignorant to the fact I may need some sort of help (huge back story) but I thought I was just depressed sometimes and for whatever reason I couldn't snap myself out of the really bad days. Just too stubborn to give up I guess, too responsible for everyone... Anyways.

Growing up I didn't realize the excessive daydreaming, the isolation, not making eye contact with anyone anymore, retreating into myself... I didn't know it was a thing. When I hit my 20's I started trying to force eye contact and conversation with people again... But it was always looming. T discourages alternate realities... I told her I feel like I need to go and say good bye... I guess I don't know how to stop. She tries to teach me the grounding techniques but it all seems so foolish to me, again- parts of me. She saw me roll my eyes which I didn't mean to do.

I do avoid talking about my past. The only times I went back was while drinking with one close friend. But even that was starting to get out of hand reminding me of 'episodes' I use to have when my husband and I would date... I had so much anger and didn't know how to release. I would bang my head of the walls, the floor, hit myself... Basically go a little crazy. I am n stranger to self harm, I actually called it (and still hold true) that it is my favourite release. I haven't in over 3 months, haven't drank since June 22, no drugs now for 4 years, I was arrested for shoplifting (something again, did my whole life, but was getting out of hand, luckily it wasn't my usual haul and it was a minor offence, got me into a program that basically saved my life, I was spiralling and didn't even notice). Anyways, ****, I forget where I was going with all of this.

I don't get how therapy works. I asked T then what happens next. She said 'this, until you get to know me and trust me'. So... I just talk about... Stuff? Like everyday stuff or past stuff? I mis understood what she first told me with feeling my feelings, I thought she meant go back and feel, so I made a timeline of my life which brought back forgotten memories... Why I am scared to shower, to sleep... Anyways. Apparently, that is not what she meant by feel. Still trying to grasp that but it's hard until she pointed it out to me how I 'was not feeling'... I'm not sure how to do it on my own. I do feel tho, I get very mad, I get sad about things (I work in animal rescue so that explains both those emotions)... I don't understand how one minute I can feel great and the next I wish life would just stop... It's frustrating.

What about all my other things that happened in my life (besides the big event haha- trying to make light of it...). Anyways, are we going to aeMDR that **** too? I realize the route cause was from childhood, but there are other things that seem to effect me.

I don't know. Sorry, now my comment got out of hand.

Oh, back to the original post- it's not DID if you don't have different people right. You have to meet that criteria first right? Like different parts, but mostly conscience and aware, is that just a sub type of dissociation? Now that I have learned more about what's wrong with me... I am kinda obsessed. I can't sleep well anymore (with a higher dose than normal of seroquel which is amazing to me cuz I remember when in use to take my full does it would knock me the f$@k out).

Okay, done now.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

Omg Amandaloise that is the best description of EMDR! And seriously, I have searched, I have watched youtube videos, read up on Francine Shapiro, I probably psyched myself out worse than anything, scared of failure, letting T down (she was seemingly abrupt at first I was unsure, but now after three visits with her I quite like her I think- part of me anyways). I dissociate really bad, I know that now. I am going on 31 and never ever knew it was even a thing. I was never blind or ignorant to the fact I may need some sort of help (huge back story) but I thought I was just depressed sometimes and for whatever reason I couldn't snap myself out of the really bad days. Just too stubborn to give up I guess, too responsible for everyone... Anyways.

Growing up I didn't realize the excessive daydreaming, the isolation, not making eye contact with anyone anymore, retreating into myself... I didn't know it was a thing. When I hit my 20's I started trying to force eye contact and conversation with people again... But it was always looming. T discourages alternate realities... I told her I feel like I need to go and say good bye... I guess I don't know how to stop. She tries to teach me the grounding techniques but it all seems so foolish to me, again- parts of me. She saw me roll my eyes which I didn't mean to do.

I do avoid talking about my past. The only times I went back was while drinking with one close friend. But even that was starting to get out of hand reminding me of 'episodes' I use to have when my husband and I would date... I had so much anger and didn't know how to release. I would bang my head of the walls, the floor, hit myself... Basically go a little crazy. I am n stranger to self harm, I actually called it (and still hold true) that it is my favourite release. I haven't in over 3 months, haven't drank since June 22, no drugs now for 4 years, I was arrested for shoplifting (something again, did my whole life, but was getting out of hand, luckily it wasn't my usual haul and it was a minor offence, got me into a program that basically saved my life, I was spiralling and didn't even notice). Anyways, ****, I forget where I was going with all of this.

I don't get how therapy works. I asked T then what happens next. She said 'this, until you get to know me and trust me'. So... I just talk about... Stuff? Like everyday stuff or past stuff? I mis understood what she first told me with feeling my feelings, I thought she meant go back and feel, so I made a timeline of my life which brought back forgotten memories... Why I am scared to shower, to sleep... Anyways. Apparently, that is not what she meant by feel. Still trying to grasp that but it's hard until she pointed it out to me how I 'was not feeling'... I'm not sure how to do it on my own. I do feel tho, I get very mad, I get sad about things (I work in animal rescue so that explains both those emotions)... I don't understand how one minute I can feel great and the next I wish life would just stop... It's frustrating.

What about all my other things that happened in my life (besides the big event haha- trying to make light of it...). Anyways, are we going to aeMDR that **** too? I realize the route cause was from childhood, but there are other things that seem to effect me.

I don't know. Sorry, now my comment got out of hand.

Oh, back to the original post- it's not DID if you don't have different people right. You have to meet that criteria first right? Like different parts, but mostly conscience and aware, is that just a sub type of dissociation? Now that I have learned more about what's wrong with me... I am kinda obsessed. I can't sleep well anymore (with a higher dose than normal of seroquel which is amazing to me cuz I remember when in use to take my full does it would knock me the f$@k out).

Okay, done now.

Im sorry I cant answer what events you and your treatment provider will be doing EMDR for/with. thats something you and your treatment provider will decide on.

you are in canada so I cant say whether your treatment provider will have you meet the dame diagnostic criteria that we have here in america for DID.

here is what america now goes by for diagnostic criteria for DID. your treatment provider can tell you what the diagnostic criteria for DID is in Canada....

http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...s-dsm-5-a.html

as you can see in the link in order to have DID here in america you have to have alternate personalities that are a special kind of altered personalities. if you dont have them you are not diagnosed with DID here in America...

again since you are in canada you will need to talk with your treatment providers, they will tell you what the diagnostic criteria for DID is in your location.

here in america there are many mental and physical health problems that include the symptoms of seeming to have different parts but not losing track of time/ not losing consciousness/ staying aware and in touch with the present moment. yes there is a dissociative disorder where there is little to no loss of awareness/consciousness. here in america that dissociative disorder is called OSDD (other specified Dissociative Disorder) (criterion 1. of this disorder) but again I cant say this is what you have, you will need to talk with your treatment providers. they will tell you which mental disorders you have and whether they are considered dissociative disorders in your location.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

you are in canada so I cant say whether your treatment provider will have you meet the dame diagnostic criteria that we have here in america for DID.

Canada does follow the same diagnostic criteria for DID as the USA. We use the DSM-5 as well.

CalmingOcean- It takes time to get a correct diagnosis. A good pdoc will not slap a label on you until he/she is very sure what the problem is. This is necessary so they can provide the proper treatment. Perhaps this is why your T isn't in a big rush to use EMDR.

Your T is right about therapy. It will only work when you're able to trust her enough to tell her anything. They can't do a proper diagnosis if they don't know the whole story. I know how terribly hard this can be. It took me a long time to trust mine and I'm still not all the way there yet.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

Canada does follow the same diagnostic criteria for DID as the USA. We use the DSM-5 as well.

CalmingOcean- It takes time to get a correct diagnosis. A good pdoc will not slap a label on you until he/she is very sure what the problem is. This is necessary so they can provide the proper treatment. Perhaps this is why your T isn't in a big rush to use EMDR.

Your T is right about therapy. It will only work when you're able to trust her enough to tell her anything. They can't do a proper diagnosis if they don't know the whole story. I know how terribly hard this can be. It took me a long time to trust mine and I'm still not all the way there yet.

I guess I should just let go of figuring it all out and let it take me where it goes... Stop looking for all the answers now. I just hate going into something blind I need to know haha. I also hate not knowing what people are thinking. Also hate talkng haha. So we don't get very far at each visit. But I do like T so that's a diffinate plus I guess.