[summerflower]

denial is a strong lasso. its difficult to post here, but its time to begin....somewhere.

we, sounds like me. i, doesn't work so well, but it's used for others comfort, and sometimes "i" is strong willed. hmmm, perhaps there is an "i" now. this is new for me.

very happily married for 8yrs. love being together, remain incredibly attracted to one another. this is where the issue steps in.

intimacy. as a sa survivor it is extremely difficult to be sexually active with my husband. everything can be going along wonderfully and wham, out of the blue it becomes .....not so wonderful. immediate dissociation.

low lighting, eyes open; sometimes it doesn't matter.

in my head there is someone who really enjoys being intimate. not sure where or how to reach her.
maybe there isn't anyone else?

my husband teases me about "her," and there will be no memory of it for me.

i'm sorry, there is no way for me to describe this.

does anybody relate? how do you deal with this situation?

i don't know who i am anymore, my head just swirls.

thanks for listening.
summer

[LILITH]

Hello Summer,
I understand exactly what you are saying. There are parts of me that are very sexual, but there are times that she does not appear for a long while. My partner was very understanding, It has been difficult for me at times to be touched, without the feeling of guilt and shame. And the awful feeling of feeling unclean. I have a bad habit of bathing in bleach when feeling unclean.
Now unfortunately, my partner/spouse has Late Stage Lyme Disease and Multiple Sclerosis and the pressures of s*x have dwindled. If I may suggest, make a date with hubby and ask your insider to be available. I know it losses spontaneity, but is something you can work up to.

[wanttoheal]

Hi Summerflower, welcome to PC. I can understand what you are saying. I never remembered any intimacy at all and often the word s*x makes me skip out of my brain pretty fast. But I had two children so I know it happened, but I don't have any memory of it.

I have not had to deal with it because my husband passed away several years ago. Are you in therapy?

With these barriers in our brains, our brains have learned to deal with whatever life throws at us. Everything is done for protection. As you work through therapy, hopefully this will lessen. For me, I have so much to work on... and it scares me to death at this point... that we don't talk about it. I'm one of the world's best avoiders.

Good luck to you in this situation.

[summerflower]

thank you for sharing, i understand it isn't easy and i appreciate your honesty.

this is another issue we'll be working on with T. she said she believes i will learn new ways of dealing without dissociating.

emrd...ermd...i don't remember what the letters are. its a rapid eye work to retrian the brains memories.

anyone familar?

anyway....gotta go. ms. irritable is getting witchy.

blessings,
summer

[annabelle5]

I'm very new here and so far I've been afraid to stick my foot in and not be able to get back out. I have one sister that I talk to about my fears of my disorders, The only reason I can talk to her is that she has many of the same things happen in her life. Mostly I just keep it all inside.

I often keep myself in denial by keeping my life very busy. When I read other people having experiences like this I realize that they also relate to me.

These things happen in my life too, although I've had 3 straight marriages and am now in a same sex releationship. We've been together for 10 years and at times are very wonderful together. Other times, I see her as a friend, a helper, a person who comes and gos.

Problem, I'm a 48 year old woman who gets completly confused about who I am and who/what i want. Now I'm having these wonderful dreams about spending time with, and having very hot wonderful sex with a man.
<font color="green"> </font>
Am I straight, gay, or bi? Or is it that I just have to keep all of us happy?

Love and Light,
Annabelle <font color="#008800"> </font>

hey. sexual intimacy can be a hard one. i've heard that some people can find a benefit to working on non-sexual kinds of physical intimacy such as massage. it might be easier to stay present for a massage (where sex doesn't follow) than it is to stay present for sex. another thing is that there might be a difference between when you feel in control of the situation and when you don't. some people find they can remain present when they initiate the situation and where they are in control of the pacing etc though they don't remain present if the partner initiates it or if the partner takes control.

maybe there are a couple of things you could try?

[mlyn]

don't know how. Things have gotten so screwed up in our almost 30 year marriage for same reasons and then some that I'm affraid to even touch on the subject cuz in all honesty I just don't think it will ever happen agin here. Want it to on one hand and on another don't and then other opinions on the side. Oh yes this is just way fun. NOT!
Srry! hope things work out for you and your hubby.

[summerflower]

i certainly appreciate all of you being open and honest. wouldn't it be nice if there was an easy answer?

its a true battle not to hate every male walking....even though i'm a mother of two wonderful sons and deeply in love with my husband. still, i hate their sexuality, its all consuming for them. i hate that sex is the center of everything.
it would seem logical that i wouldn't want to be with a man after being abused by them...........but i do.

annabelle, wish there was an answer for you. being here will help, i'm sure. maybe? heck, how do i know.

in our mind, there is a sexual one. basically telling me to be quite.

its all so confusing.

my head is spinning, think its time for pain meds and hopefully some sleep.

peaceful rest
summer

[kimmydawn]

Hi, summer. What a good thread regarding a sometimes very difficult subject.

Yes, been there/done that/still do that at times. It's very difficult.

There are certain things that can't happen here no matter how prepared, etc. If this certain thing happens, all you know what breaks loose...if not outside my brain, inside.

Sometimes it's harder to prepare for me because it gives time for knowledge of the act and upset to occur. It's always been better here if it's spontaneous. However, it wouldn't be if hubby weren't so incredibly understanding of the potential for an excuse.

I've just had to be really honest with hubby and thankfully he's understanding. What he decided (for me) is that "I" come to him. And, as a shock to me, sometimes HE had the headache.

It's been the answer here for the last 8 or so years with just a couple of exceptions. Even though I'm rarely triggered there anymore, it's a pattern that we've established which, in turn, is why I think most of the triggers are gone.

KD

[Smilie]

Thanks for the reminder of" everything is done in protection."

Smilie

[Smilie]

Wow! thats good sound advise.

Smilie

[summerflower]

i love the advise!! thank you soooo much((((safe hug)))))

i'll try the "let me approach you" and see if that helps.

love, summer

[summerflower]

i love the advise!! thank you soooo much((((safe hug)))))

i'll try the "let me approach you" and see if that helps.

love, summer