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thanks Amanda, but the problem is I told her this on the first meeting.. She asked me how our rules should look like, what I expect from her, so I told her I'm very emotional, and I need some time to put myself together sometimes and if its a problem if I stay longer, she should tell me 10 min before that we soon will be ending.. but she didn't. For insurance I can have only 1h therapy, and probably only psychodynamic therapy which doesn't work for me, still looking for any way to get cognitive behavioral..

I had 'saturday of yelling at me' today, just my existence is a reason for my parents to yell at me... after whole day it triggered heavy depersonalization.. and suicidal thoughts.. I don't know if it's because you Amanda mentioned plans of killing and one suicidal guy told me how he would kill himself but first time I had thought about turning my fav song and than killing myself.. for a moment i felt like I could do it, then it scared me.. I don't know if it's anxiety and like my intrusive thoughts + stress or I'm too depressed now...

I am sorry you were yelled at all day. when will you be able to get away from your parents? they should not be yelling at you
I know (personally) that sui can feel like the only option - but it's not. We have to look for other options. please stay safe!

thanks Kiya... if it were not my stupid family I probably wouldn't have anxiety, they made me fear of everything, i don't believe in myself, doubt everything I try to do, feel guilt for everything... even feel guilty and like I am a bad person when I lie small lies which probably everyone sometimes says, like 'yeah I did laundry already' and play videogames as a bad character... today I played as a sith, made some dark side decisions, and I feel like I am a bad person now, not my character...and I feel totally unreal, kind of 'watch everything, but don't see', my hands are not mine, my room, everything, like part of my consciousness would turn of .__. eh.
I wanted to move out, but with agoraphobia and somatic panic attacks I can't even go out too far by myself for about 4 years already.. Now I struggle with going to gp doctor again, in last week I've been to doc but he said I'm ok, but it's impossible, I feel like I have a flu or something, no fever<actually haven't had fever for years> but I cough all the time, feel pain in muscles and bones, throat:/ but anyway I won't go alone to doctor even if it's like 7 min from my home.. So I don't know, I stuck here :c
I used to look for other options but I feel like I have none now, I feel like I'm just existing, had better month or two which were like little ray of light, but then I came back again to somatic attacks, loosing control over my anxiety, fear of going even for a walk with my dog.. I want to live, but living like this isn't really living ._.

it is hard to live that way - i do understand. are you completely isolated? do you have anyone that could go with you to the gp, like maybe your parents? that sounds like you may need to be seen.
thinking of you!

quite isolated, I live in the farthest district, which is practically cut off from the rest of the city by renovations till march, so my friend can come over once per week only:c I have to go to blood tests anyway so I have to go to doc soon, but when I asked my mother she said she's busy and I'm overreacting, if doctor said I'm ok she thinks I'm ok >.>

if you do a google search you may find that europe/central Europe has many great agencies to help adults who may be in situations like yourself ...emotional abuse (being yelled at by your parents when you are an adult is considered to be emotional abuse by european standards.) you can also ask for help with your social services, churches and other such services there that can help you get into a safe housing standard where you dont have to depend upon your parents...unless of course the court has given them guardianship over your adult decisions, in which case you will need to prove to the court system that gave them decision making rights over your mental and physical well being, that you can take care of your self.

if you make your own mental health decisions you can also go through the process of being assigned/locating a new therapist that you feel may be more helpful to you.

About 116 helplines | Digital Agenda for Europe | European Commission

Thanks for link Amanda, sadly 'page not found' when I'm browsing my country.. I tried to look for help in some places but seems that if I'm still living with parents, not under the bridge nothing can be done.. well I could go to court probably, but with heavy agoraphobia I can't go even to shop, besides no money for that..
I can't be assigned to other therapist because they have too many patients already, I don't know if I wrote this before, but in one place I'm waiting for therapist about 2 years already :/ I even asked in employment office f I could get any support, but they said I can't because I haven't work legally more than one year..

eh anyway, at the moment I feel sooo unreal, kinda disconnected... I'm worried that I could start doing something or talking about something crazy.. and thoughts about being possessed and shatans are again in my stupid mind, very heavy, that I'm scared maybe I am?... is this just ocd thoughts or something, I don't know.. :c

maybe you can go to the emergency room I know you have agoraphobia but most people with this are able to make it to the er by wrapping their self up so they feel enclosed in something ie a tight jacket or blanket sun glasses and having someone (a friend) take them in on the way they crouch down in the car and wear headphones of their favorite music this way they dont have to see or hear the outside world. have the friend go in to the er and tell a nurse that you have agorophobia but need to be seen could they get a quiet room availible away from the crowd. most ers have isolation rooms for such situations and violent patients. this way you can get the help you need with as little trauma as possible.

other than that all I can say is since our ideas that we are all posting here on psych central for you seem to not be possible,maybe you can think of something because Im not in your location so I really dont know any thing else to suggest. I hate to say this but all we here on psych central can do for you is make our suggestions, only you can actually do the work of finding that one thing or more that will work for you. sorry I cant get you the help you are looking for.

Odd... I have been, too. I'm in a day hospital program, and both in there and in the store I went to at lunch I felt like I was having compulsions that I would just suddenly act on without a will of my own - like my body were taking instructions from someone else. I really didn't like that at all. I even set my hands away from myself in group to both keep them from hurting me and to remind them that *I* control them. They don't control themselves (isn't that odd??) I, too, wonder if that is an OCD thing.... I seem to be having more and more ODC traits for some reason in the last year. Also, for us, when the alters act on their compulsions, it's not in front of others! Well... not since like 2002, when they finally got to the point of SI in the store we worked in while customers were there. That felt over the top for me. This today felt like crazy. I meant to talk with the program therapist about that today when she came for me, but it left my head and she does not lend herself to being someone to confide in. Oh well, can't win them all, can we? Just have to utilize what tools we DO have to the best of our ability and make do with whatever else we've got. I think that is part of survival and persistence - thinking out of the box and not giving up; looking around at what CAN be used to help, even when we think there's nothing.
Take care of you!

well Amanda if you are not dying at the moment you have to wait hours in crowded corridor in ER here.. my grandma had plausibility of stroke about month ago, and yet she had to wait 8h... like many people here says, 'you have to have health for being sick' -.- If I could find help in my city I probably wouldn't be looking for it in internet... But anyway, talking with people who understand how it is to bear such feelings, anxiety, attacks is probably the best help, I'm able to try going to doctors, employment office, shops only thanks to advice from forum, if i would search for help only at psychiatrist, I wouldn't go outside of my room like I used to do for one year when nobody even told me what's wrong with me, just 'take meds' and case was closed for my first doc..

'I would just suddenly act on without a will of my own - like my body were taking instructions from someone else' yep exactly, I have this feeling right now, like my mind is turned off, body is detached of mind and something/someone/whatever is pushing me to bang my head to the desk or kill myself... My room is strange, my hands are strange, breathing is strange, so annoying, I feel like bear grylls, have to survive on wildness of own mind without too many tools :s but you're right, we have some tools, just can't remember where I throw them... Accio tools! oh I don't have a wand...