*cough*, I'm uh... new i guess... sorta

so 'course Kiya's not new. but i'm not her. I don't think i've written in here before. ever. or i forgot.
heck ofa night. got angry, out of control, scary, scared. not the first time. all people have facets of themselves (why "singletons" think that DID alters are one dimentional is beyond me - we are well rounded entities as any "regular" person). My "shadow" side (me as 22) is dark and dangerous, venomus. my "sunny" side is sarcastic, caustic humor. I had a bad night. still having a bad night. the poor cat is taking the brunt of my bad mood. I'm not nice. I'm not caring, particularly. I don't want to be touched or bugged or anything. I want to be left alone. He's a cat; he's old and sick. he puked on me and i lost it. I ran out of the house (the cold air felt great). I got wine and junk food and totally binged. puke. but he wants attention and food every hour and i want peace and quiet and not to be harassed. i am dangerous. i know this. he used to know this. I've told him to run. he used to run. now he's forgetful and i am trying to be mindful. my mood isn't his fault or his problem (or shouldn't be).
I am an awful, terrible, cold-hearted person and I don't deserve any kindness from anyone ever. If people knew ME, they wouldn't like Kiya. Or Host. Some do know me. "The Mean One". "The Monster; I can't believe I ever had a daughter like you". A few people know. They've seen me. Or seen the side look I give them when I'm trying to spare their feelings for the grace of God. One guy knows not to talk to me when he sees that look. WHy he has to TELL me often, I still don't know. Does he think I'll praise him?
Kiya and Host are so nice and sweet and everyone loves them... >_<
The Twins and I.... different story. We're not deserving and the only person on God's green earth who really knows them and myself - and saw something better in us, something worth saving- is dying of cancer.
at least I didn't procreate - The twins and i knew better; what mother we'd be. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Kiya and Host will be scalded by my bitter words. Embarrassed. I can't even stand myself.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. We are all created for a reason, to help the host. I guess you took a lot of the pain and abuse. I am guessing you also keep the thoughts of self loathing. Bottom line is you are a helper like it or not. You help the others by holding the anger and meanness. My guess is your cat puking reminded you that she is old and sick which makes you sad. That might have also caused you to think about your t. It is sad to hear that your t is sick and dying of cancer. This is someone who cares about you and someone you care about. Maybe you can write her a letter letting her know how important she has been to all of you. I am sure that would make her feel good. I hope you feel better and I hope your cat feels better soon. Take care.

I think sometimes we/I/me/us/people have to take a brutal, honest look at self. Jung would call it the Shadow side. Course, being an alter, I'm quite more substantial than a shadow side.... and have a person's full range of a three-dimensional human. But still... truth hurts.
We're in partial hospital now. Today we did some stupid worksheet (CBT) on negative thoughts. K went through and marked each with our initials - which of us holds those thoughts. One of the littles (of the twins) and I share most of them. I told K this was useless and stupid. She counted them up and pointed out that 26 of them had our initials on them... only 4 had hers alone. Several were shared by "all". :/
I'm trying. I didn't walk out of the class even though the therapist's very presence rubbed my skin wrong - like the air around my skin wrong. I bristle at him. I'm sure there's nothing particularly wrong with him. He just irks me terribly. We were triggered a lot in that CBT class. Then later triggered in "relaxation" class by certain words in a meditation that reminded us of my good T. Being who I am, I was the last one to really feel the grief and pain about her illness. It is hitting hard. I've been drinking (wine) again - I know I'm not supposed to and K doesn't like the affects on her fibromyalgia. But I just can't deal with this. Last night I was out of control. It's scarier for the team when I am out of control than when one of them is... well, except for that one twin kiddo.
K points out that W and I are the two that need day treatment the most. I don't like it, but I am trying. It's much harder to keep the 10 yr old's attention than mine. And my coping mechs, tho not great (wine and junk food binges), are better than hers which get us either hospitalized or with stiches. So.... I guess it is what it is. I am just depressed today, but at least in control. What I wrote before is still all true. It won't change if I don't own up to it. I don't know how K's hung in there for 12 years of therapy. I can barely see the point. But she has come a long way.
Yeah, I do hold the anger, resentment, distrust, meanness (well, I share a lot of that with 10). I guess I am the adult version of her.

You sound strong and you sound like you are trying to do what is best for all. It is nice that you give k credit for also trying. It really comes down to team work and taking care of each other and the body.

Thanks for writing here. I have some parts that most people would be sorry to meet. I'm glad you decided to share about yourself. Thankss.

i'm new to this whole reaching out ...thing. I'd like to meet others 'system misfits' as well as their regulars. Loneliness isn't something I often admit to... but. yeah.
glad you both wrote to me.

Hi! I'm Julia. I guess you would call me a "regular," kind, but I'm in contact with some of our "misfits." I can't make them come out, but when they do, I can try to help direct them here, and I shared it around. I agree the "misfits" don't get to be out or talk and communicate enough.

thanks - appreciate it. nice to meet you.
This is my first time in constant therapy (day program) and I'm already ready to quit. course, that's my modus operandi... quit and run. Was triggered and irritated again today - same guy teaching as yesterday (god he gets under my skin so bad). Talking about how to be a good patient that recovers vs a bad patient who is contrary.... you can imagine which I am. "It's all about your attitude". I agree to a point... or maybe I'm still too new at this. I got called out by another therapist about my check in sheet - K swapped in at that point to explain.... then we switched places again back in class after we slipped into the bathroom and cried for a while. grief, anger, feeling displaced.
K always thinks these programs will help. She's not all that worldly. Personally, knowing ME as I do, I think we're better off alone. But to get out of the program we have to have a support net set up.
A. I have only one IRL friend.
B. I have no therapist and not sure I want one.
C. I don't give a crap about anything so it is hard to get motivated to do anything.
But the program is shorter now - I only have a month. Rather K only has a month to figure things out. Good luck K.

We can't all be sweet all the time. There has to be a balance. Plus I know I have rage inside me that is murderous / violent. I don't always want to be touched. Il used to be called Monster. I got given the name Lily now. I realized i'm only 9. Maybe sometimes a mix of ages,but I carry rage from being 9. I never got enough to eat. So I eat. I didn't get color books or posters or new underwear for years so I get those. I don't like to be touched. I want to be alone. Other people are like dangerous aliens to me.I want to smash every thing. Burn down the houses where evil took place and then salt the earth.

yeah I can relate to a lot of that. last T said something about me being a little kid. I got really angry. But there may be some truth to it, because I guess I am connected to the 10 yr old who is more wild/ feral, angry, protective and violent. I've only come as far as throwing light objects (ok the stapler wasn't light, but it was small), screaming when out of control, and *wanting* to hit/break things. K usually steps in when she can. I don't remember much between high school graduation and turning 22. Other than that I had a "mood disorder". Was angry all the time. felt like a thunder cloud was over my head all the time.
glad you posted - and that you get food and clothes and needs met now.