Dis-integration

My mentor wants me to have a sit-down with my landlady and my roommate over the drama going on. It makes perfect sense, except...well, I don't know if I can.

I'm in PTSD hell, and I just can't deal with anything else right now. It's too many triggers all at once--the bar thing last weekend and now this BS drama. And I have nowhere to turn, no way to process any of it.

I know that if we have a meeting, one of two things will happen. Possibility one: I will switch to a terrified child part who will just apologize and try to make nice or will freeze and shut down because she can't handle conflict--it'll all be about avoiding the abuse that comes with conflict. (I know, the two aren't always linked, but in this case, roommate has actually been verbally aggressive, even though it was indirect, so this fear is not invalid.) The other possibility is that I'll switch to the angry teenage part who will just want to verbally annihilate the roommate and is very well capable of it.


I know that, at this point, given my levels of stress, panic, and dissociation, I won't be able to stay me without switching. My mentor asked me today which part of me could deal with the situation, and the truth is there's nobody. We're triggered in different ways and by different aspects of the situation, but we're all triggered. That seems to be the way it usually works in my system--the boundaries between us are not rigid, so the responses to situations blur together too. What affects one of us almost always affects all of us.

It's times like these that I really need a therapist. I need someone who can help me sort out the triggers and get all of us more grounded in the present. I need to be able to integrate the child parts' desire to be nice and not hurt roommate with the teenage part's "I'm above this and you can't hurt me with your stupid drama" sense of self-assurance. I know they're parts of me, and I can see them and feel their feelings, but I can't integrate them into me, and I can't manage to stay present when I even hear or think about the roommate, so I know I won't be able to if we sit down face to face.

I know what I need to be able to do to manage this meeting, but I have no idea how to get there. It feels really hopeless and terrifying right now.

I would think your mentor would be ok if maybe only one or two roommates had a sit down to start. Ask your roommates who they are close to. Than maybe have the close roommates sit down together with you there. If everyone is in agreement you should be able to meet with them. I have learned over time that my parts want to know they are being heard. Even my angry parts want to be acknowledged as being heard. Also ask if there is any part that wants to help with the meeting. Most time there is someone who would like things to settle down so everyone has less stress.

Sorry if I was unclear--the roommate situation is with an actual roommate outside my head who's behaving borderline abusively. When I talk about my roommate, I'm not referring to parts; I'm referring to an actual live roommate.

so you are trying to plan this huge meeting between you, the landlady and the other resident that lives in your home as apposed to in your head. the idea of having this huge meeting is triggering you and you are afraid that during the meeting your alternate personalities will take control rather than you remaining grounded?

my suggestion if its this triggering for you then yea the alters will probably take control. one thing about DID is that if theres something the host (person in which the alters live inside of) gets triggered about the alters are there to take care of the situation so that the host can continue to survive. so if this was me I would not plan nor have this big major meeting.

instead I would contact the police the next time I felt unsafe. America has domestic violence laws that protect people that live in the same home together. they can be husbands, wives, other family or like in your situation roommates where one roommate feels emotionally or physically abused by another. the police come to the home, assess whether there is someone being emotionally/physically abusive and if so that person is removed from the home, taken to jail, arraigned on the domestic violence law. sometimes that means the abusive person has to move out of the residence, other times it means the abusive person has to pay a fine for domestic violence and in some cases a protection order is issued where the abusive person and their victim can not be with in 500 feet to a thousand feet of each other at any time.

There are also domestic violence programs that have access to special services that can help victims of domestic violence with safety issues and in some cases help the victim move into a shelter in an undisclosed location where the abusive person can not find them, and help the victim relocate/establish a new and safe home.

The thing is, she hasn't done anything that's actually illegal or violent, so the police wouldn't be able to do anything. It's all passive-aggressive stuff that doesn't qualify as domestic violence, but it's definitely creating a hostile environment. It's so bad that I'm afraid to come out of my room to eat or use the bathroom when she's at home because she'll be cruel to me.

But she hasn't done anything violent or violated the lease in any way, so I don't have any legal grounds to kick her out. Basically, unless she chooses to move out on her own, I have to live with her. And she's got the good end of the deal--since she's the one being the [passive-]aggressor, she can stomp around and slam doors and yell while I'm cowering in my room having flashbacks. There's no incentive for her to change her behavior.

So if we don't have a meeting, this situation continues unabated, and I'll just live in a perpetual triggered, dissociated state as my ability to function deteriorates. But if we have the meeting and I can't stay in control, then things could get even worse than they are now. I feel like I'm trapped in a no-win scenario, but there has to be some answer, some way out. I just can't figure out what it is.

well you still have choices...

you can continue to let this bother you or you can find ways that will make the situation livable until ....you...can find other housing options for you since you say there is nothing you can do to get her removed from the household...

one time when I was in a living situation that was hard for me and the room mate wasnt violating any laws or the lease I bought myself a pair of headphones at the dollar store (america has a fantastic chain of stores called the dollar store where every product in the store only cost one dollar and most if not all the products are actually very good) when I was home the headphones and music/tv/radio/ what ever made noise was playing. this way I could enjoy myself, get my homework /housework what ever I needed to do done in peace. it got quite comical because my room mate was not aware that I was wearing headphones and one day after she had been being her annoying self she asked me doesnt that bother you? I looked up at her, plucked the headphones out and said sorry did you say something, Im listening to the most fabulous music right now, headphones the greatest invention there is, I can get things done without bothering other people with my shows and music. She realized she couldnt get a rise out of me anymore with her storming around, yelling and partying. she realized that we may live together but I have my own thing and she has her own things. she decided she in her words "could not live with an anti social person who treated her like she was invisable/wasnt even there and moved out.

in another situation similar to this it was me that moved out. I spent alot of time at other friends places, the malls, college , work and when I was home I turned the negative into a positive by remembering there is nothing I can do about controlling other people and what they do, all I control is me, what I do, how I live, and I can choose to be miserable or I can find ways that I can be happy while saving for a new place, then move out myself. I found ways to do things that I needed to get done at home (like wearing headphones and ear plugs when needed...) and when the lease was up (leases for apartments have to be signed yearly or monthly) I didnt sign up for another leasing period. I used my savings and moved out.

if like you say she isnt committing any crimes or doing anything that will go against the lease having a meeting with the landlady isnt really going to do anything because the landlady cant tell their tenents how to live their life. they can only enforce the rules of the contracted lease. if the lease doesnt say someone cant yell and bag things then your roommate is ok to do that kind of stuff on a legal stand point. (unless your town has a disturbing the peace law, in which case you can call the cops for her disturbing the peace which is making so much noise that it can be heard by the neighbors.)

the line in the sand is that you cant control her and whether she gets noisey or moves out or not so its now time to think about how you can make it so that when she is doing her stuff you can either go somewhere else or make it so that you are no longer bothered by her ranting and stuff.

If I could just decide not to let it bother me, don't you think I would? The nature of PTSD and dissociative disorders is such that you can't just choose not to be triggered. I need to be able to process the triggers and the trauma behind them, but I don't have access to therapy and am limited in how much I can process on my own, especially given that I'm in a constant state of being triggered right now.

I also don't have the ability to just get away when she goes off. I don't have a car, and I have a physical disability that makes it hard for me to walk. I'm in the process of applying for paratransit, but even once that gets approved, trips have to be booked 24 hours in advance, so that's not a way I could get away when she goes off.

My landlady is the one who suggested the meeting, so clearly she thinks it could be beneficial. I think my roommate needs to have some things explained to her, particularly about the limitations my disability puts on me and how I still deserve to be treated with the same respect as a non-disabled person, and I think some differing expectations need to be reconciled. My landlady thinks that communication is the only way this is going to improve. I tend to agree, but I know it's not going to be beneficial if I can't find a way not to switch. I'm looking for feedback specifically around that, not on the overall situation.

Sorry I misunderstood what you were asking. I would suggest that you bring someone you trust to the meeting. First thing it will be calming and you will not be alone. Second you will have someone there who will hear everything that is said and be able to tell you about the meeting if you lose time. The reality is that you will most likely need to find other housing where you do not have to be fearful and be triggered. The passive aggressive roommate will most likely not change their behavior because they know it upsets you and still they behave that way. It is part of their mental health issue. You don't need to be in that situation. Start looking for other housing. You will find it and you will feel better for it. Take care and I hope everything works out.

I have a lease, so I can't just leave. There are also major financial issues that make moving impossible. (I'm getting this apartment under market value, and it took me nearly six months just to find this place.) I'm on the waiting list for section 8 and public housing, but it could be five years or longer, especially since I need a handicap accessible apartment.

At this point I'm feeling really hopeless, like suicide is my only way out. I don't really want that, but my whole life feels impossible and now I can't even feel safe at home.

just a little heads up down at the bottom of the page is a gray box called helplines and lifelines. you can also contact suicide hotline at 1 800 273 8255. here on psych central suicide postings are extremely limited. Im guessing this is because suicide is something that needs to be taken care of in real time not through the internet (at least not this site.) suicidal postings can also trigger other suicidal people into acting on their thoughts/urges and plans. which is another reason Im guessing the rule for the site is no suicidal postings.

if you are feeling thats the only thing you have left you will need to contact your treatment providers or a treatment provider in your off computer location, they can help you with this where we on psych central can not.

the mods can tell you more about how and why suicide postings are extremely limited here and can help you too.