well it's new year's eve and we're trying to get through best we can.

hard because it's the same every year... we realise what we've not done in life, how we've wasted the year, and we always think the same.. why do we have to do it again?. why can't we just, you know, hide away somewhere forever?. things arn't going to get better, we can only dream

our plans for tonight are to have chicken wings and hash browns for dinner, and then drink cyder (thanks natalie for the bad idea!)

hopefully just listen to music and have a quiet un disturbed evening. it's raining outside so i doubt we'll see many fireworks from our window. octavia wants to see the countdown on tv though (though i doubt that in the rain it will be good), but still..

Hey Shattered Sanity - I think we're having the same NYE - although Ive opted for a curry, naan, and a dry white wine The debate over whether to watch the count down, Joolz Holland, listen to music, go to bed early, watch 50 shades of grey, or make chilli jam still rages.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

Feeling like our arms and hands are backwards, like we are tilting to the side but we are sitting straight up. For days now body memories have hit hard, our left arm and shoulder feel as though it is dislocated once again from the socket.

I try to fight through the pain, fight off the tears that used to never even make notice they were present, but now they push at me from deep within, from a place I don't understand yet I do.

Those within screaming at times, other times a deafening silence. Sometimes it days like this I want to disappear forever........for everyone sake......would it really matter at all? Tears fall as silently we disappear out of the way......

....

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Body memories are difficult. I have body memories but no knowledge of what happened to cause them. Someone knows but no one will say anything. I think if my parts with the body memories could talk to the parts with the assault memories, they could heal. And fall back into the past where they are supposed to be. Just a memory of emotional pain and physical assault. I truly think that would happen. At some point they need to know that they did a good job protecting when we needed it in the past. But are now safe in the present. I am afraid to remember so I am stuck with flashes of pain and vague fractured images in my mind. I hope your system can work things out. When I am in pain It helps me to remind myself that in this present moment I am safe. In my home, in my chair, with my dog, I am safe. Feel better. You are safe.

Originally Posted by CassyO

Hey Shattered Sanity - I think we're having the same NYE - although Ive opted for a curry, naan, and a dry white wine The debate over whether to watch the count down, Joolz Holland, listen to music, go to bed early, watch 50 shades of grey, or make chilli jam still rages.

well what ever you do i hope it's fun x

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

well what ever you do i hope it's fun x

Thanks! The most insipid ever chilli jam is made. The wine is going down, and in a surprise turn of events Im now watching Se7en. Did not see that one coming, but Im rolling with it

Hope you have a good one too x

Happy New Year everybody of everybody!

our new year started with a sleepless night and a severe wave of depression.

yay...

happy new year my ***

what's happy about it

still trying to work out octavia's behaviour

think she's an adult with some kind of learning problem or something.

well i'll say this, i don't think she's a child.. i thought so but things have changed since then

had a rubbish new year's eve, sat on the sofa watching MRS browns boys da movie and eating candy.

[lucidity11]

I haven't been here in a while. I have been having a lot of trouble in my head. I need help. Today I was doing some work around the house and became very angry at my body for not being fit enough to do it. I was very angry. I yelled and hit myself for being a failure. We eventually got the thing done but I hit myself. I promised the body that I wouldn't do that but I did. As I am writing this I am blaming myself for being weak. And that creates more anger. Something is going on in my head that isn't good. Maybe it is from isolation I don't know. I don't think this is who I am but I do know it is a part of me. Very very angry for saying that. I think of things like smashing and breaking stuff. Just destroying the house. I just want to smash something until I am too exhausted to move. I don't know how to release the anger or even what I am feeling angry about. Sometime I am filled with rage and it is all of me. I think I need a dr to help me. I don't know what else to do

i'm guessing it was a difficult night last night (even before the flashbacks), because i'm finding it hard to remember what happened for most the afternoon/ early evening

in fact i want to scroll back through my posts to see if their's any clues.. i can't even remember what we ate (if we ate at all?)

i know we had some serious flashbacks yesterday- of our parents disowning us in the hospital, of being bitten by a cat, today we also struggled with the age old problem.. what's the day?. what's the time?

ugg but we've got that under control now. we know it's saturday

[lucidity11]

Today is a better day so far. I have things to do that bring me out of the house and around people. Also the sun is out so that helps. I apologized to my body for hitting it. My body is reluctantly forgiving. I think, in fact I know I need to get into a gym and burn off the rage that builds. Working out until exhaustion has helped in the past. I am under a lot of financial pleasure at the moment which will pass once I sell my home. I am going to rent. Or maybe buy a mobile home if I can afford it. I do have a job and I do have money coming in. I am just focusing on the negative. I have been trying to not do that but so far I am not doing so well with it. Distraction. The driving force behind oblivion. I think I need more distraction.

not much to say here.
our dishwasher broke yesterday though, and we need to get someone out to have a look at it (pracrastinating on that)

weather is cold and wet today. it's what we like. listening to the rain

I'm selling everything because I travel lite. I never did like worldly possessions all that much. The kid is about to graduate in a year....then I'll be free again. Get off these meds and back to being me!

Hmmm, I wonder where all my stuff disappears to at times. All my Christmas decorations, surround sound system, CD's, tools, personal belongings...

Very funny.

more hoerrible flashbacks yesterday.

emotionally draining and cost us another nights rest.

today they are talking loud like in a confrence

trying to just listen to music and ignore them... but it's hard.

did get some tv in earlier withoutg much insodent

we finally found someone who might be able to fix our dishwasher.

coming round tomorrow to see if he can

hopefully that will all go well..

up again all night yesterday, but on the plus side finally finished the book we'd been reading for ages (discovery of witches)

things seem okay so far today

I'm getting warmed up to the idea of working again...we are making a more of a concerted effort in obtaining employment.

We also rearranged the living/kitchen room so we can walk laps when we are bored watching t.v. Because it's cold outside. It's all one room, so a lap equals about 40 feet. It's a concrete terrazzo floor, so no worries of wearing a track into carpet or wood.

We were doing laps around the baseball stadium/park, but this is much better and I can do this all day.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I'm getting warmed up to the idea of working again...we are making a more of a concerted effort in obtaining employment.

We also rearranged the living/kitchen room so we can walk laps when we are bored watching t.v. Because it's cold outside. It's all one room, so a lap equals about 40 feet. It's a concrete terrazzo floor, so no worries of wearing a track into carpet or wood.

We were doing laps around the baseball stadium/park, but this is much better and I can do this all day.

what are you hoping to do?

what sort of career

[Patagonia]

I've decided to cut out my journal writing for awhile & it's been pretty quiet. I'm trying very hard to stay focused & present. Not letting anything creep up.
Not sure I like the quiet

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

what are you hoping to do?

what sort of career

Career? More of a job. Actually thinking of college and getting into electronics or computers. I'd rather do behavioral, but for now no.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Career? More of a job. Actually thinking of college and getting into electronics or computers. I'd rather do behavioral, but for now no.

when i was younger, all i wanted to be was a computer technitian. (i use them every day, and it would be good to help fix them)

but things change, right?. multiple diagnoses, poor education, and just loss of direction.... let me tell you. sometimes it's hard to realise how bad your life has become

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

when i was younger, all i wanted to be was a computer technitian. (i use them every day, and it would be good to help fix them)

but things change, right?. multiple diagnoses, poor education, and just loss of direction.... let me tell you. sometimes it's hard to realise how bad your life has become

True, true, but it's up to us to make some kind of improvement. I'm like always one lack of rent payment away from living on the streets.

I can easily be one of them mentally ill homeless persons. This has been the worst past year ever because we woke up and our head came unscrewed. It's time to produce a miracle regardless what my head thinks.

more flashbacks yesterday, so no rest.

buy early morning we were standing at our window on the verge of a panic attack. but it past

Ugh, have to lay back down...only 4 hours of sleep. It's like we are emotionally dead which makes it easy for the clinician to present...fits her to a T.

I think we are freaking out over how we are.

wow, the check in thread has been pushed to page 2 (sigh)

anyway, currently fed up of some people who still wish usd a happy birthday in january.

i can understand that ojn the birth certificate, that's what is.. january is our birth month

but for heaven's sake... we prefer it in april. why can't everyone just see that... april april april!. not january!

even when websites ask us for our birthday we say it's in april. and i know this sounds a stupid rant (partly because, even when we prefer to celebrate, we don't actually celebrate at all) just think over the last year and how depressing it's been.. but it still gets to us.

apart from that, not much has changed.

still struggling with sleep, and still reading the same book (you know, the one we were meant to finish months ago)

hope everyone's okay..