Alters Disappear When T Does

Can anybody tell me why my alters would disappear when my t goes away on a long vacation? In the past, it used to be that the alters would fuss and cry because of anxiety over being separated from her. Eventually, I would have to force a disconnect in awareness because it was too painful for me to deal with. This time, the alters just seem to be gone all on their own. I mean, nothing is happening inside. Absolutely nothing. And that's quite different from when my t is here and we actively work on stuff.

What could be going on?

I should state that my alters do not trust me to take care of them. They know I can't easily deal with their emotions and traumas. However, there is a better relationship between us than in the past. But it's sort of like they view me as a babysitter for them, who they really don't trust or want but will accept, but they really want my t's help instead. My t is trying to work with me on better internal communication, etc. It was staring to happen more before we went out of town. But now, nothing.

it could be like you said and they have automatically disconnected because they know you aren't able to cope with their stuff. at least, that would be my guess.

mine are more active when i see my therapist, but i rarely see her...for that reason....although, they do still come up every now and then..but years ago they were more active...i also was in a lot of different types of therapy too though, and things were more raw then than now.

i would think also that maybe you are like me where if things are not being actively worked on/talked about, etc., maybe they are not in the forefront as they are when in therapy, so maybe they are more quiet until therapy happens again. just my guess.

Maybe you've grown.....If not, have another option in place so that their absence doesn't seem like forever. Forums like these are good options. That is good thing. Hard to comment on this thoroughly because I have no experience, just from what I read in research.

Sometimes when this happens it means a person has healed enough that its no longer triggering when a therapist is gone...

example when my therapists was on vacation I used to get so worked up about them being unavailable should something happen, that I would end up triggered, which caused me to dissociate (feel numb, spaced out, disconnected ) and an alter would take over to handle that. but over time I learned what I needed to take care of myself (grounding, breathing, not letting my negative thoughts send me into panic/anxiety attacks because my therapists were not available) because I was no longer triggered by my therapists not being available I no longer dissociated (felt numb, spaced out disconnected) which meant my alters did not take over to handle this situation any more.

maybe something similar is happening to you. you may have healed to the point where your alters know they do not have to take over during the times when your treatment providers are not available.

Maybe theyre hiding away to protect themselves?

Thanks everybody for replying. I really appreciate it!

Things are so different for me now. I can feel the younger parts crying and feeling separation pain. I hate this feeling and was SO WISHING I had moved past this stage. I can't stand the feeling of hurting when my therapist is gone for 2-3 weeks. It feels like torture. For the first 1-1/2 weeks or so, I was fine. I didn't miss her or hurt at all. But now, it has been too long. Now all the sad ones are forcing their way into my mind and I can feel their pain in my heart. I don't want to!!!

I know it's based on my past with my mom, but when it gets triggered with my therapist, it feels just as bad as it used to. I DON'T WANT to feel how those other ones are feeling! I don't want to feel their sadness and pain. I can't tolerate it. I didn't want this to happen again!

I don't want to feel attached to my therapist anymore. She can't ever be my mom. She can't ever love me how I want her to. She can only give me 1 hour a week of her time and attention, and it is paid for anyway. She will never love me. I don't want to feel this anymore. I don't want to be aware of how this feels.

I know I am supposed to learn to be my own parent. But I don't feel capable of it. I don't love myself or them. They don't trust me either. To them, I feel like a babysitter. Someone they have to put up with but they would rather have my therapist be there for them. And I am afraid of them. . .afraid of how they think and feel. They get into me and then they make me feel sad and scared, and miss my therapist too. They ruin my feeling of being capable and in control. They scare me.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't know if I can continue therapy. It has already been several years. There is something wrong with me that I can't parent myself. There's something wrong with me that I need my therapist this much. I hate being this way and I can't help it. I don't want to NEED anybody!

I think it is a safety issue... look at it as how safe they feel with T and how good it is that they can be around for T to help too! (((safe hug)))

there is nothing wrong with you. some people just havent learned what and how to self parent (in some locations this is called self nurturing\grounding\relaxing)

when I get overwhelmed my self parenting tools include breathing, rowing my canoe on the lake, taking a walk.

Sometimes in the thick of it I dont remember I am capable of self parenting (self nurturing \ grounding \ breathing \ relaxing) I come on here and read my posts that I have wrote. what I have posted in threads and replies to others is evidence that I do know how to self parent and even includes examples of how I do that in my posts and suggestions to others. its amazing what we post to others with out realizing we can use our own advice to others to help ourselves. I once told my therapist I didnt know how to parent myself. her response was to put out my file and read off a list of things I am able to do for myself....

take a bath, take a shower, cooked Ziti last night, cleaned and decorated her new house, bought new clothes, did some gardening work in the back yard, takes medication correctly, follows treatment plans, bought herself a new blanket to use when not feeling well, went canoeing, participated in take back the night march\rally, reschedules appointments when needed, comes to sessions with appropriate attire and hygiene....

then she asked me an important question....if I dont know how to self parent then how am I able to do all that? If I dont know how to self parent then how do I know what to suggest when making posts. A person who doesnt know how to parent their self would not know all these things to suggest to others and would not have these things to talk about in therapy..mos tif not all people who are unable to care for their self either have aids to bath, cook and clean for them and tell them when to do things like take their medications, its time to go to the bathroom now, its time to take your walk now... or they are residential programs that can help them do that if they have a working sense of how to take care of their self or they are in state mental hospitals when hospital staff take care of them and tell them what to do...

At that moment i stopped saying I didnt know how to parent myself. I did, no one had to tell me when to bath, when to use the bathroom, when to get up, when to sleep when to take my meds...

I realized instead it was a situation of in the thick of emotions I wasnt....thinking about my parenting skills of how to take care of me. during emotional overwhelming times I was instead expecting others to take care of me.

I had to refocus my thoughts...use what I was learning in therapy. whats the use of therapy if I wasnt going to use what I was learning.

I stopped using the word cant and started using the word ok I....feel....like I dont know how to do this but I...know... I can. the evidence is that I do not have a home aid and am not locked up in some mental hospital where others have to do this for me... breath, breath again, breath again, now time to do some grounding, I am going to take a walk to the store and back, at the store I am going to buy some more milk, bread and my favorite shower gel. when I get home i will put the bread and milk away then go take a shower. ok we have a parenting plan now to follow through with doing it, here I go....

I bet if you read some of your past posts you will see many examples of how you parent yourself. when your therapist comes back you can also ask her to look in your file and talk about the ways you have in the past talked about how you self parent. maybe you can make an emergency list to post somewhere in your house on things you can do to parent yourself when these emotions get the best of you. Somewhere here on psych central there is a self parenting (grounding\self nurturing ) list I think it may be in the PTSD forum sticky lists that may also help you to remember you are not helpless or that something is wrong with you. maybe you can come on here to psych central and read other peoples posts. sometimes they help me in the thick of overwhelming emotions too....

Hey, thanks you guys. I feel stupid about what I wrote yesterday. There is nothing I hate more than when I sound whiny and needy. I hate saying or doing anything that makes me sound like a little baby! The part of me that showed up yesterday is NOT the real me. It's not the me that I am 90% of the time.

I don't know if I am more afraid of her or angered at her. I just know that I do fine until she shows up. Then I fall apart and my life goes down the tubes! I change from a calm, analytical, in control adult into a pitiful, frightened, desperate person who feels like a child who is in danger and needs protection, etc.

Then later, it is all gone. I feel different. Calm now. Not in pain, and not missing my t. In fact, I feel that I could wait even longer now to see her, if need be. She is due back tomorrow, and I have sent an email letting her know that if she needs more time to recuperate before having my session, it is totally OK with me. It really is! I feel OK now. I really do. But I also know that yesterday, I sent a text telling her how difficult and painful it had been for me to wait so long. I know it will sound inconsistent. It makes me wonder how I could feel so different from one day to the next.

I read back over what I wrote yesterday, I KNOW I wrote it. and I KNOW that I felt it. But looking back, it just does not SEEM like me. It's hard to believe it was me, or that I actually felt that desperate and afraid. And it's just. . .I don't know. . .weird.

Do you have a little baby alter? Ma'am you must love your parts...Try to get use to that as the real you...I know it can be embarrassing hopefully in therapy where he or she is safe can she whiny

I am going thru exactly this! Numb but functioning ok, then a day or so of panic, fear, abandonment, hurt, scared...then better. And that's with t taking a long weekend. Like you I used to fall apart the whole time he was gone, so I think it means I am functioning better. And functioning well is my goal. I don't really care how many parts integrate or how many are left, I just want to not fight myself.