Shape-shifting??

Hi there,

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of years now. Together we have uncovered that since I was traumatised at age 8-13, involving my 'absent mother', I have buried the incident and have since had a number of dissociative events in my life; in which I feel completely lost and abandoned, as though I am a child again. Now in my 40s, it is disrupting my life much more, and I find in the mornings that during the evening I have done odd things like 'hidden my phone' or had lengthy online discussions that I have no recollection of. I also tend to take much more medication than I actually document; again no recollection.

But today, the weirdest thing of all, was when during a session with my psych; I actually felt myself 'shape-shifting'; that is taking on the shape of my mother, and feeling like I had turned into her, which was particularly horrifying for me. I was evening answering questions like her. It's horrifying for me, because I am now a mother myself.

I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare; she is the last person that I want to be.

Anyway, I became grounded after that -but to me this was different from 'being absent'; I actually felt that I had turned into the person who had abandoned me a s a child. Has anyone else felt physically different as in they took on a different age/shape all together? I felt like a stranger in my body. That one is new to me.

LB

here in my location feeling like one self is shape shifting into other people, plants, animals and inanimate objects is called tactile hallucinations, delusional thoughts, .....psychosis.... and sometimes a medication side effect for some people. the reason its called this in my location is that human beings can not in reality shape shift into other people and objects they may .....feel.... that way but reality wise no two people are identical and no one can literally become another.

that said in life normally people do act and behave, carry their self, project their self differently depending upon the situation and who they are with...

for example when I am with my children my posture, words I use and behavior is that of a parent playing, caring for children. when I am at church my posture, words I use, behaviors are that which is acceptable in a church setting and interacting with fellow worshipers. when I am at work my posture, words I use, behaviors reflect the professional standards of my job...

before my alters were integrated (I had DID ) sometimes I would switch into an alter state of mind but physically my body did not shape shift or morph into a childs body. physically I was an adult so there was no way an adult human body can shapeshift into a childs body. but the words I used was that of that alter, the mannerisms/behaviors were of that alter, the things I talked about with my therapist was what was contained with in that alters memories, thoughts...

the same when I switched into my introject type alters, introjects are alters that take on the role of those that had abused me... physically my body did not shape shift or morph into being that of my abusers. it was my words that I used, the behaviors \acting out, and natural posturing of the abusers....example one abuser would always put their hand on their hip and point a lot so when I was that altered state of mind my hand went on my hip and I pointed a lot.

my treatment providers told me this behavior was normal for people with DID and has been happening all my life, a person doesnt become DID upon diagnosis or seeing a treatment provider. nothing changes after getting a diagnosis or starting or being in therapy that hasnt already been happening all my life. when I discovered this problem I went to my family home where I grew up and searched through all the photos and discovered my treatment providers were right, there i was in many childhood photos with my hand upon my hip and pointing at something off camera .

after that it didnt worry me so much because it was happening all my life. not something sudden like a medication problem or psychosis, hallucinations.

... ... Once, many years ago, when I was in the mental hospital, an image of one of my brothers showed up and told me to watch. I turned into him (it seemed like he turned me into him). I saw myself as him, acted like him... even looked in the mirror and I looked just like him. Quite shocking. At the moment I don't remember that happening again. It was very different than what the personalities do ( I suppose one of the personalities did that too; I really have not a clue though) and act like. He also is a very unpleasant figure in my life.

I hope that's a one time only thing for you. It makes one curious as to why. I wonder why it happened... ...

Yes, I think I know what you are talking about. I wouldn't call it shape shifting, but you could because I can see where it makes sense.

When others take over they have their own walk, talk, postures, gestures, mannerisms, thoughts, voices,...everything.

My abuser alters copy my abusers, always on me to behave like I was conditioned too. I revolt in shock when I hear the voice, the eyes narrow, I feel like them! Then there are my kids, jump back! Oh nooooo!

You aren't alone there. I hope you get to feeling better.

Thank you for your response, I found it very informative, as I'm starting to think my experiene was more inline with 'psychosis'. I really felt and experienced as if I was an older woman, who hated her body, and was essentially souless. I felt it as if it were an identity competiting with my own. It was horrible, and now I'm out of it and feeling relatively normal - whatever that means. But actual 'shape-shifitng', no - but I literraly saw my own hands, arms, body, completely diffently to what I percieve to be normal. So I had transformed in that moment in my own mind. I don't want to feel that way again, but that image is haunting me...

Thank you Georgia, for sharing your story. And I think you get the fact that I NEVER want to feel that again. As to 'why?' Well all I can think that as while it was happening I got an insight into the absolute dysmorphia about her body; & how much she hated herself; i found myself looking at myself, through her eyes, my hands and arms, thinking how ridicoulsy large they were (I've never thought that before) -how her identity was nothing but a black whole; there is no identity. Feeling like that person, made it clear to me how simple it would be to end it all; because there was 'nothing' at the heart of it. But then I realised, I was abandoned by this mother figure, that was encompassing me; at the very age my daughter is now. If I bow out, I will follow the pattern, but in a different way. Not going to do it. never expected to have to literally battle with my demons in this way - can only gather it is a blessing to be conscious and aware of it.

Hi there, thank you so much for your reply. Yes I think you're right 'shape-shifting' is not exactly right, as the threapist /obsever does not see me literally take another form; however for me it was spot on. i literally saw myself age, my hands, arms and legs, and become heavier and take on a persona like my mother. Maybe a perception of my mother - was very dark and horrible to actually become her. I'm still quite traumatised by it. I don't see it as an 'alter'. Or I could be in denial. but if it is an alter then I have a real battle on my hands. I found it amazing to switch from a younger women, into a super depressed old woman. It's really disturbing my sense of identity - I really don't know who I am anymore. This may not be news to any of you - it's new to me. thank you for reading

I remember from childhood the experience of feeling I was becoming other people. Not switching(because I remember it clearly) and not make believe because it seemed just to happen suddenly. Something else. It wasn't upsetting. Maybe because as a kid you do things like that, with one foot in "reality" and another in fantasy.

Thank you for your response - I think my therapist would agree with the one foot 'in reality' and another 'in fantasy' - has been a common theme thus far.

I can relate it was like the body had a different owner this happened once in group and once in individual session. It was like my body was doing it's own thing almost wanting to hide in a confine space feeling very child like . It was like a huge stone was in front of me but not literally and it was my body's idea in scrounge up like that hiding from angry mother or shrinking from shame and embarrassment help held way down.

Wow, okay, bless your heart. I remember doing a bunch of XTC and watched people change age and appearance. I know it's not the same, but I get the hallucination.

I can relate too. In my teens to mid twenties I had quite a hefty eating disorder. Sometimes I would feel so thin - skinny even. Other times I would feel absolutely huge. A waddling obese whale. What I saw in the mirror corresponded with how I felt about myself. I always thought that was weird. How could I look so thin in the morning, but be obese by lunchtime!

So one day I thought I would see if I could 'make' it happen in the mirror as I watched. I was feeling thin, looked in the mirror, and saw thin me. I stared at me and concentrated on trying to feel obese, and sure enough, the me in the mirror started 'morphing' from thin me to obese me. It *really* freaked me out so I didn't try it for long!

Since then Ive had similar experiences, but more along an age spectrum than a size spectrum. I can be fresh faced pure skin me, all the way through to a massively wrinked, grey and sallow skinned old me.

That's really interesting! I drove home from my T's office, convinced I was looking just like a fat old lady. I was even busting out of my clothes. Then, the next day, in the morning, I woke up and was amazed to see a young version of 'me', the usual 'me'. I couldn't see all the cellulite and 'rolls' I had been worried about. How bizarre.

I'm starting to wonder if it's a symptom of being overly sensitive. Sensitive people feel emotions so deeply. Perhaps a step further is to experience them also, to the point where you absorb the emotions so much that you physically experience it and believe it to be true....

sometimes i have an awareness of looking out these eyes, but them not being mine. like i'm someone else in this other person's life. i guess DID can do that.