[TrailRunner14]

Not really sure what to say, except it's really been a hard day!!!

I've tried to connect with the part of me that makes my hands and feet feel like electricity. There is this overwhelming feeling that "I've done something wrong!" I can't get past that! It has taken me way. I'm walking through this night like I'm watching someone else do it. My family keeps asking me if I'm ok. YES!! I'm fine!!! I want to scream that at them! I don't .

I've been married for 28 years. I've never felt so apart from him. He says that he wants to understand, but he doesn't have the capacity. I've tried to talk to him about what I remember and what I don't. He just feels like I'm blaming him and I get the angry response, which just sends me further away. It seems like a no win.

I want to get in my car, by myself, and drive until it runs out of gas. I don't really care where that winds up being. I think that may be anger. Not really sure.

Thank you for hearing me!!!

[confusedbyself]

So sorry you are having to go through that right now. I hope things get better very soon and I know there's no words that can fix it.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you!! Your words mean much!!

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That sounds really hard for you

Can you show your husband any info on DID - something that might help explain what you are going through, and how he can support you?

Sherry: so sorry so hard!

Thanks for venting here, it's nice to go somewhere and just dump it according to our difficulties.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by CassyO

That sounds really hard for you

Can you show your husband any info on DID - something that might help explain what you are going through, and how he can support you?

I've tried explaining to him and I've also asked him to read some things I've found that would help him understand. He just keeps telling me that I'm fine. He wants to know why I can't just "lay it down and move on." I want to yell at him "You aren't understanding me!" There really is too much to explain about him. I wish he did understand or wanted to.

Thank you for hearing me!

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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I've tried explaining to him and I've also asked him to read some things I've found that would help him understand. He just keeps telling me that I'm fine. He wants to know why I can't just "lay it down and move on." I want to yell at him "You aren't understanding me!" There really is too much to explain about him. I wish he did understand or wanted to.

Thank you for hearing me!

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Sherry: Awww,

When I told the few people I told like both sisters and mother.... I was told:

"Get over it"

"It's all in your head"

"We had the same parent and I didn't see anything really happen"

"You just sound like you're needing attention"

"You're faking just to mess with me"

Needless to say, I quit telling people and making mention of it. Only my son believes us because we switch around him a lot and he gets everyone's conflicting opinions...poor kid! Lol

If anyone actually paid any real attention to me, they might actually put it together.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Sherry: Awww,

When I told the few people I told like both sisters and mother.... I was told:

"Get over it"

"It's all in your head"

"We had the same parent and I didn't see anything really happen"

"You just sound like you're needing attention"

"You're faking just to mess with me"

Needless to say, I quit telling people and making mention of it. Only my son believes us because we switch around him a lot and he gets everyone's conflicting opinions...poor kid! Lol

If anyone actually paid any real attention to me, they might actually put it together.

You are so right!!

I don't really have many friends. I did share with my closest friend a little of what has happened. We've been friends for many years. She seems to think that I am struggling with a spirit of unforgiveness and the enemy is at work here. No doubt, at one time he was....... I don't talk with her about any of this anymore.

My husband, as much as he wants to deny it or not hear me, knows what happens. He may not understand, and he won't, if he won't hear me. He has an explosive temper. I can see an eruption coming and feel myself pull away. If it gets too intense, I'm gone. He can see it, because it makes him mad. Go figure that!!! It's not like I can do anything about it. Yet. Instead of it really hurting my heart like it used to, now it's starting to make me mad! I don't want to get my feet clipped out from under me, because of his anger!! It's too hard to get back!

My younger son knows basically what's going on. He struggles with agoraphobia/PTSD. He know's because he had a conversation with me one night that I have no memory of. It really disturbed me that it happened to him, because I was really upset and crying. We talked about it and he told me it was ok and he understood. That's a blessing.

I'm so thankful I found you guys! Here and with my C, I can talk about "real" stuff.

Awww sweety....mental illness strikes at the core of an individual and it's like they really can't understand. Normal's can't get it. So we are left trying to appease their ignorance at the sacrifice of our own mentalness. Whose the big babies now? At least that's how I feel. That's my life....work 3 times as hard to be sane while everyone takes it for granted and whines about it. Omg...

[TrailRunner14]

Much love to you!! It's been a hard night here with just what you are sharing with me! I shared a photo on another feed earlier today, but want to share it again because that's how I feel right now!! Thank you!!

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[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Awww sweety....mental illness strikes at the core of an individual and it's like they really can't understand. Normal's can't get it. So we are left trying to appease their ignorance at the sacrifice of our own mentalness. Whose the big babies now? At least that's how I feel. That's my life....work 3 times as hard to be sane while everyone takes it for granted and whines about it. Omg...

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[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

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Went back to your post. There are tears behind my eyes. Can't explain. It's been a hard day. I woke up "away". I know I had a dream and my mind is straining to understand it/actualize it.

I've been gone all day, fighting to get here. Does that make any sense at all??? !!!!!!

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Disadain: Im sorry your life is a biitch, so is everyone lse here on this board or website. Welcome to MI.

Fuuuuck thiis suucks. I feel for ya. Dammitt its no fair ,ofo. Luv ya like a sis

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Disadain: Im sorry your life is a biitch, so is everyone lse here on this board or website. Welcome to MI.

Fuuuuck thiis suucks. I feel for ya. Dammitt its no fair ,ofo. Luv ya like a sis

Yep!! It does suck!!!!

I've had a really hard day today. It makes my heart feel better that you thought of me. Thank you!!

There are tears behind my eyes.

Do you ever wake up and know you have dreamed something that was of importance or of real value and you couldn't get it when you woke up? It's something that's real but you can't remember it or get it back?

I had one of those days today. It screws my mind up.

I don't understand what's happening in my mind but I do trust that my God has me!

Thank you for thinking of me. May I call you my friend?

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[TrailRunner14]

Forgive me !! I get lost in myself and don't think about others.

It's just like I'm trying to find answers to questions that I don't understand.

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[TrailRunner14]

I want to feel like the lion in my previous picture!!!! Right now I feel so far away from myself. I know it cycles around. I know I'll feel better. I just want to know what OK feels like.

Maybe OK is overrated, just like "normal" has no real basis. Normal is a sliding scale. It depends on what angle you are looking at it from.

It will be better tomorrow. I truly hope.

Thank you for hearing me.

[TrailRunner14]

Better yet. I think I would rather feel like the little one twirling without a care in this world.

YES!!!

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[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I've tried explaining to him and I've also asked him to read some things I've found that would help him understand. He just keeps telling me that I'm fine. He wants to know why I can't just "lay it down and move on." I want to yell at him "You aren't understanding me!" There really is too much to explain about him. I wish he did understand or wanted to.

I was reading a little of your stuff and this part stuck out. "He wants to know you you just can't lay it down and move on." Are you secretly married to my husband to.

My H says the same thing. When are you going to get over this, why do you keep TRYING to remember this, or worst yet, YOU jsut let me know when the T has you cured. CURED!!! I don;t have a disease, I'm not sick, you can;t toss me an antibiotic, my T is not doing brain surgery to remove the memory forever. What happened happened and it makes me who I am, and I will likely never EVER forget it. It will pop up from time to time and we will have to deal with it again when it does.

My H is a very black and white thinker. There is no way this can be possible. HE jsut can't wrap his mind around such things. I give him stuff to read and I get one of two answers,well maybe 3 answers.

1. I' don't have time to read that crap.
2 I still don't get it.
3. Whoever wrote that is full of more $h!t then you are.

I jsut want to let you know you are not alone. It sucks, and it is a terrible place to be in, but please know that you are not there alone.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I was reading a little of your stuff and this part stuck out. "He wants to know you you just can't lay it down and move on." Are you secretly married to my husband to.


My H says the same thing. When are you going to get over this, why do you keep TRYING to remember this, or worst yet, YOU jsut let me know when the T has you cured. CURED!!! I don;t have a disease, I'm not sick, you can;t toss me an antibiotic, my T is not doing brain surgery to remove the memory forever. What happened happened and it makes me who I am, and I will likely never EVER forget it. It will pop up from time to time and we will have to deal with it again when it does.


My H is a very black and white thinker. There is no way this can be possible. HE jsut can't wrap his mind around such things. I give him stuff to read and I get one of two answers,well maybe 3 answers.


1. I' don't have time to read that crap.

2 I still don't get it.

3. Whoever wrote that is full of more $h!t then you are.


I jsut want to let you know you are not alone. It sucks, and it is a terrible place to be in, but please know that you are not there alone.

Thank you so very much for your words!! It has been a hard weekend. I lost time last night and woke up off. I think I was trying to share with him and he usually gets angry and I go away.

It is a great comfort to know that we are not alone. I thank you for your words of reassurance to me and I speak those same words to you!!

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[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thank you so very much for your words!! It has been a hard weekend. I lost time last night and woke up off. I think I was trying to share with him and he usually gets angry and I go away.

It is a great comfort to know that we are not alone. I thank you for your words of reassurance to me and I speak those same words to you!!

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I think the feeling of me trying to figure out what's going on with me combined with the judgement of "Your ok." "Why can't you just lay this down?" Has created quite a connundrem.

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[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I think the feeling of me trying to figure out what's going on with me combined with the judgement of "Your ok." "Why can't you just lay this down?" Has created quite a connundrem.

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Another word in that. I'm trying so hard to make sense if this and most of the time it just doesn't make any sense at all.

I always looked for someone to come and rescue me. Help me!! But there is this quietness that is kind of understood inside. If that makes sense. Anyone who showed interest or wanted to be my "other" was always a thought of a rescuer. Someone to help me out or make sense of this. This place that I didn't want to be.

28 years later. Here I am. I feel like I've tried to be everything that I needed to be for my boys, hiding what I didn't want them to see, and pretending to be what I needed to be for the h.

I'm gonna cut this off here. I could sit here and go on but it's not really productive.

I pray God heals my heart and mind. I look to him for my safety and my hope.

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[Big Mama]

I totally understand. In my case I want someone to come rescue me, but once they do, I push them away and chase them off. The harder they try to connect and help the harder I try to escape the reality. I mistake there kindness for control.

Except for my T. She is the exception to that rule. She is trying to help me and I know she has no other motive except to help me and others like me. I can walk away at any time and never return but I don't. I don't know why she does it, or why she has devoted her life's work to helping others, I am jsut glad she does.

You sound so much like me. I have been married to my H for 22 years this coming June. I see now how lonely he must have been all this time. All he ever wanted to do was try to help. Then his efforts turned to abuse, and now I think he sees that it WAS abuse. We are currently separated. I jsut couldn't take it any more. All of life, every bit of it had become overwhelming. We are planning on reconciling if I can get my crap together and he can recognize his part in my abuse and walk away from that a changed man. Just another crazy day in the life of me.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I totally understand. In my case I want someone to come rescue me, but once they do, I push them away and chase them off. The harder they try to connect and help the harder I try to escape the reality. I mistake there kindness for control.

Except for my T. She is the exception to that rule. She is trying to help me and I know she has no other motive except to help me and others like me. I can walk away at any time and never return but I don't. I don't know why she does it, or why she has devoted her life's work to helping others, I am jsut glad she does.

You sound so much like me. I have been married to my H for 22 years this coming June. I see now how lonely he must have been all this time. All he ever wanted to do was try to help. Then his efforts turned to abuse, and now I think he sees that it WAS abuse. We are currently separated. I jsut couldn't take it any more. All of life, every bit of it had become overwhelming. We are planning on reconciling if I can get my crap together and he can recognize his part in my abuse and walk away from that a changed man. Just another crazy day in the life of me.

Thank you. So much I want to say but it's late and my brain hurts. So much.

I wanted to reply today but I was trying to gather myself up. Yes. I do think we share much. That is an answer to a prayer that I could have someone to talk to that understood.

Sleep well!

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[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Not really sure what to say, except it's really been a hard day!!!

I've tried to connect with the part of me that makes my hands and feet feel like electricity. There is this overwhelming feeling that "I've done something wrong!" I can't get past that! It has taken me way. I'm walking through this night like I'm watching someone else do it. My family keeps asking me if I'm ok. YES!! I'm fine!!! I want to scream that at them! I don't .

I've been married for 28 years. I've never felt so apart from him. He says that he wants to understand, but he doesn't have the capacity. I've tried to talk to him about what I remember and what I don't. He just feels like I'm blaming him and I get the angry response, which just sends me further away. It seems like a no win.

I want to get in my car, by myself, and drive until it runs out of gas. I don't really care where that winds up being. I think that may be anger. Not really sure.

Thank you for hearing me!!!

Hello.

As someone who dissociates talking to others about it is extremely difficult. I dont think there is another condition that is so isolating. the expereinces you have are so deeply refective or what you ahve expereinced that its naturally ahrd for someone else to relate. I truly feel for you and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

I think I also understand about your situation with your husband. Relationships are based on honest communication and I do honestly beleive that there are some things- DID being one- that are very hard for non DID people to understand. I also think there is the element of fear involved since the idea that life can be so cruel is truly a scary one. There is also the fact of feeling so out of control about being able to help the one you love. Your husband likely feels that as well. Do you think his anger or saying you are blaming him might be his way of defending himself against his own feelings of helplessness? Maybe he blames himself because he loves you and still he doesnt know what to do or how to make thigns better for you?

Running away is a feeling I have had when I get overwhelmed and feel unsupported. But then theres the question ; what am I running to? If Im just running away with no plans in hand, then maybe what I really need is a vacation.

As far as the getting in touch with the part of you that feels electricty in your hands and feet along with the overwhelming feeling youve done soemthing wrong: maybe you should talk to your therapist about this. Have you ever used hypnosis? I cant help but wonder if you werent punished as a little person in some way that your body still remembers. Body memory is real. Our bodies remember but sometimes our minds forget. Could there be some traumatic thing that happened to you as a little child in which you were either punished or made to feel guilty for something you did and that what your experinced via this punishment mae your ahnds and feet fell like electircity was going through them?

these are just some thoughts I have.

I hope your next day is a much much better one. Take care.

[Big Mama]

1976kitchenfloor - you are so right, body memories do exist. We are made up of 5 sences and each one has there own memory. Think about when you smell something the strong memory that brings back. Touch is the same way. I have combative PTSD from a period of brainwashing and grooming and rape to follow. You body really does have memories. You can rationalize with your brain (sometimes) or maybe even trick it, but not with your body. Sensations are hard to overcome. The sense of touch contains the largest amount of nerve endings, it sends signals to your brain, and it is just so hard to deal with sometimes.

You are so right, it is very difficult to describe dissociation to someone who doesn't have that issue. My husband is a very black and white thinker, and he believes that there is no way a person can be "gone" for 10 of the 16 waking hours in a day. He says it is laziness and a choice to set around and do nothing. HE says it is somehting I can change and choose not to do. That is incorrect. Sometimes I can catch myself and tell my brain "Stop It", other times I'm jsut "gone" and don;t realize it until I come to. The T named it exactly today. She said that dissociation gives whole new meaning to jsut going threw the motions of life. She is exactly right. I can go to wal mart and get groceries and be oblivious to everything around me, I can drive a car (rather unsafely unfortunately) while dissociated, I can have a meal, go for a stroll, take the kids to the play ground all while dissociated. (Though the T has said when you are having really off days please don't drive.) It is definitely going threw the motions but not being "there" really.

I am currently using neurofeedback, which is a fairly new science. It helps strengthen certain parts of your brain and make other parts less strong so that they don't have so much power to cause you to panic, of dissociate. I have jsut started it, so I don;t know how well it will work, but my T has high hopes and I do to. That might be worth asking your T about.