Being in a "bind"

Has anyone else experienced a part of themselves being in a "bind" or being "bound"

One of my parts is Compliance. It's the part of me that has always tried to do whatever it took to make sure everything was ok. People were happy. I was safe. There were/aren't any explosions of anger. Good enough to be safe and loved. Etc.

That part of me is learning about boundaries with curiosity and entertaining the idea of not having to always be compliant. There was a situation that happened 2 weekends ago, that put a light on what could happen if you aren't compliant. It has caused compliance to freak out! Because it is such a strong part of who I am, it is extremely hard place for me to be. I don't feel like "me." Compliance doesn't want to always comply anymore, but it feels like there is no other option to guarantee safety.

I hope that makes sense.

I talked with my counselor about this last night and he told me that Compliance was in a bind. It was bound. All the pieces of what we talked about last night aren't coming back to me. I think we got on a different topic, but I can't remember anything else that was said about it.

Has anyone else experienced this? Would anyone have anything they could share about maybe being in this kind of place?

Thank you!

My father of origin used this term "bind", usually referring to his business financial aspects work load etc. Since, he has never sought T, it wouldn't have specific meaning to me or an alter all it does is just bring his alter in me closer and that is irritating more than anything. TrailRunner14, I'm sure compliance isn't always taking over now, as you said. Make sure that it is worth fighting what is it, so that you don't seem like such a push over. Hopefully, your are not at the point where everything rushes to the conscious and makes things so overwhelming. I'm in a situation, made, that everything from the past can't separate itself due to some illegal T tactics, but I'm hanging in there. There is no use to drum up clues, symbolize, parallels, we all know what we know so far, I"m not going to make it my life's work to pick at memories, if it happens cool if not then who cares. In my mind, the culprits have been brought to the light.

each of my alters had their own sense of agency (you can read more about this in my link at the bottom of the post) and I had my own sense of agency.

this was a cause for disruptions because I would be doing things according to my locations laws, and such and my alters were doing what their sense of agency was, which was different than mine.

on rare occasions the disruptions were things where an alter was in a between a rock and a hard place situation (your words in a bind and bound). This situation of being between a rock (their sense of agency) and a hard place (what they wanted to do/try/ change/ act on something other than their sense of agency...)

usually the situation worked itself out either by that alter learning through therapy or being hospitalized not to act out in harmful, unlawful ways. that change is good but they are in the system for a reason and with out their doing their part all chaos happens that may include everyone being hospitalized. the result is my alters knew what their sense of agency was and most times thats what and how they were, and when on those rare occasions they needed to act out, they found ways to do so in safe, non harmful ways that also was with in their sense of agency.

not sure if there was a part of me that was this way on its own and more just learned in childhood due to expectations which fed into perfectionism, the fear of not being liked, a people pleaser, etc.

for part of my healing overall, it was necessary to stop doing all those things i was expected to do (being quiet instead of speaking up when things upset me) and stop putting my feelings and well being last. i had to learn to set boundaries with people who did not respect me or who used things like manipulation and other things to get me to do what they wanted. it was important to keep trying to set those boundaries even when i was called selfish for taking care of myself by those who would walk all over me. the more i kept putting my foot down and saying i wasn't going to do things i wasn't okay with anymore, the more it made them back off and treat me more like an equal. it also helped other things slowly over time grow and get stronger and healthier.

so, sometimes there are things we have to choose to do in order to better ourselves that is healthy and necessary in order to move forward and grow even if it means other things might become more difficult (like people not always understanding why you might say no now when you never used to).

Thank you for your replies. It's still a hard place to be.

I'm thinking that compliance has had a reality wake up. Can't explain that.

I love to put my earphones on and cut the grass. I love the smell and it's mindless. I kept hearing "how did I get here?" In relation to my healing.

Something is happening that I think I don't understand.

Compliance has always made everything ok and has done its job. I believe it's "waking up" and having a "what the heck has been going on" episode.

I'm going through the motions. Looking normal.. I hope, with a freak out happening inside of me.

HOW did I get to this place!!???

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I've got a couple of hugely compliant parts. They have served me well for many years. I also have the "what the heck is going on?" reaction from them-they really don't feel safe when I am not compliant. Boundaries scare them. And I have some parts that are adamant about boundaries. As they have both become aware of each other, I've had some pretty freaked out moments. And like you I try to stay looking normal.

I don't have anything helpful to add, except to say that I understand being in a bind-the feeling that I HAVE to be compliant and that I CAN'T be compliant. Ugh. It does seem to lessen as the parts are learning to be kind to one another and to try to understand each other.

Thank you!!

It would help me gather this up if I felt like I was in a safe place now.

Growing up in the environment I did and then marrying someone very similar to my father has made this very tricky to find my ground. It was not a pretty event that brought me to this place, and I'm trying to figure out the compliant for safety and boundary issues.

He is not abusive, physically, so far. It's just the changes that are going in inside of me that he doesn't like or want to listen to me talk about.

I'm triggered by things and I "go away" and he is triggered and explodes. Trying to know what to do. My counselor has suggested Alanon... For some reason it scares me.

I don't know. My head hurts.

Thank you again for understanding!!!

Sanon (for family and friends of sex addicts) has helped me.

Hello Trailrunner,

Like you, my birth family was abusive and then I ended up marrying someone abusive. It is ironic since I married in order to get away from my birth family abuse!

You bring up a real important point here; the need for having a safe and validating environment in which you can live without extra fears and worries while processing and working through the traumas of the past that ended up with your being dissociative.

I also 'go away' when my husband leans on me. I shut off My eyes fix and I shut off.

Past history:My family was sick and my marriage was abusive and violent.
when it ever came to standing up for me my parents always chose to defend my husband instead. what did you do to amke him hurt you?
That sort of crap.

What I am thinking here is that maybe you will get to a point where you need to get away from your husband.

this was the case for me. I had to leave my husband. This was after our children were grown and I was free to leave. I had never lived alone before and I had never had the expereince of living on my own and making and being responsible for my own choices and decisions. As a young girl I was put in a mental institution and I was there for years on and off until I met the man I married. I was insitutionalized to some degree. I was on drugs that I didnt need but were given to all patients. The compliance I was subjected to in my family home was reenforced by the rules of the institution.

Looking back, I have come to beleive that it is essential for recovery that a person live in a safe and supportive environment. For me, that meant I lived on my own. I disconnected myself from both birth family and husband. I no longer put myself in positions where I had to defend myself against abuse or violence. My only objective was to live freely and learn who i was and how I could have a future without being all over the place.(DID)

Of course, my birth family and husband objected to my doing these things. The truth is, they liked the way we had lived before. They were uesd to being in cahrge and manipulating me via fear of violence or rejection or shaming or whatever they could do to get what they wanted.

Its like when you marry an alcoholic and you are also an alcholic and then you stop drinking and the other person gets mad that you are getting healthy. ITs hard for that to work. EVeryone has to be on the same page and ahve the same basic goals.

You have taken on a lot and your are working through a lot. Be kind and gentle with yourself but do not let anyone get violent with or hurt you.