[ThisWayOut]

I just need to write this where I might be able to talk about it (have t on Monday, but that's far away)... I do not have DID, just severe dissociative episodes sometimes.

Since mid-week, my dissociation has been getting more intense. I know I have not been sleeping well, along with having flashbacks, and persistent urges to self-harm. They're all increasing in intensity as time goes on. I haven't been like this in about a year. It's frustrating. I was hoping to be done with it.

Thursday night/early Friday am, I had a hypnogogic hallucination (like when you suddenly jolt in bed as you are falling asleep, only I hard a voice)... I'm beginning to think I was trying to give myself a heads-up that things were getting worse (the whisper said "who's coming?"). The day before this happened, I had noticed my emotions changing and my thought patterns shifting to what I call my "defiant teenager" state. I thought I was able to handle it ok at the time. I was able to recognize what was going on and ground myself back to a more adult line of thinking, though not totally leave the "teenage" emotions behind... I don't want to ignore them. I don't want to disrespect that part of myself, but I do want to maintain my stability.

Reigning in those emotions worked for a handful of hours on Wednesday. Since then, I've noticed myself feeling more distant. I feel like I watching myself do everything from behind my eyes. It feels like i'm on autopilot. Those "teenage" lines of thinking and emotion states are very pronounced. I've given in to the self-harm twice already (after not having self-harmed in several months). I notice my thinking is stuck in a defiant/rebellious/i-don't-give-a-f***-what-you-think-i'm-gonna-do-what-i-want train. I feel like i'm constantly having conversations with a bratty 17-year-old in my head about even the most mundane decisions.

I just have to get through the rest of today, and tomorrow. Then I see t on Monday, and we can address this. It's so uncomfortable tough. And i'm kinda worried it might be the beginning of another crash... I really don't want to crash. I could probably text t for support, but I'm not really sure what she could do. She'd tell me to use my coping skills and work on grounding. I'd tell her the things I've tried, how they haven't worked, and she'd suggest trying other things I haven't tried. The teenager in my head will just smile and nod and refuse to change things up. T will get frustrated, tell me to stay safe, and remind me of our appointment on Monday... so yeah, that would be useless and frustrating for us both.

I dunno. I want to say this is a weird feeling, but it's only weird because it hasn't happened in quite a while (and maybe because this time I'm a bit more aware of it happening).

I tried art and music to help ground, but that's not doing it. Now I switched to a comforting song that normally helps me ground. I have it on infinite repeat, hoping it will work it's magic. I had taken the dogs out earlier, but the sh urges are intensified by walking, so that didn't last long. I probably shouldn't be driving since I was pretty loopy with it yesterday when I tried. My wife will be home soon though, so maybe that will help...

Thanks for reading if you managed to get through that. Sorry about the atrocious autocorrect mistakes I'm sure I missed along the way. I was trying to correct them as I went, but my fuzzy brain is getting in the way now.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I just need to write this where I might be able to talk about it (have t on Monday, but that's far away)... I do not have DID, just severe dissociative episodes sometimes.


Since mid-week, my dissociation has been getting more intense. I know I have not been sleeping well, along with having flashbacks, and persistent urges to self-harm. They're all increasing in intensity as time goes on. I haven't been like this in about a year. It's frustrating. I was hoping to be done with it.


Thursday night/early Friday am, I had a hypnogogic hallucination (like when you suddenly jolt in bed as you are falling asleep, only I hard a voice)... I'm beginning to think I was trying to give myself a heads-up that things were getting worse (the whisper said "who's coming?"). The day before this happened, I had noticed my emotions changing and my thought patterns shifting to what I call my "defiant teenager" state. I thought I was able to handle it ok at the time. I was able to recognize what was going on and ground myself back to a more adult line of thinking, though not totally leave the "teenage" emotions behind... I don't want to ignore them. I don't want to disrespect that part of myself, but I do want to maintain my stability.


Reigning in those emotions worked for a handful of hours on Wednesday. Since then, I've noticed myself feeling more distant. I feel like I watching myself do everything from behind my eyes. It feels like i'm on autopilot. Those "teenage" lines of thinking and emotion states are very pronounced. I've given in to the self-harm twice already (after not having self-harmed in several months). I notice my thinking is stuck in a defiant/rebellious/i-don't-give-a-f***-what-you-think-i'm-gonna-do-what-i-want train. I feel like i'm constantly having conversations with a bratty 17-year-old in my head about even the most mundane decisions.


I just have to get through the rest of today, and tomorrow. Then I see t on Monday, and we can address this. It's so uncomfortable tough. And i'm kinda worried it might be the beginning of another crash... I really don't want to crash. I could probably text t for support, but I'm not really sure what she could do. She'd tell me to use my coping skills and work on grounding. I'd tell her the things I've tried, how they haven't worked, and she'd suggest trying other things I haven't tried. The teenager in my head will just smile and nod and refuse to change things up. T will get frustrated, tell me to stay safe, and remind me of our appointment on Monday... so yeah, that would be useless and frustrating for us both.


I dunno. I want to say this is a weird feeling, but it's only weird because it hasn't happened in quite a while (and maybe because this time I'm a bit more aware of it happening).


I tried art and music to help ground, but that's not doing it. Now I switched to a comforting song that normally helps me ground. I have it on infinite repeat, hoping it will work it's magic. I had taken the dogs out earlier, but the sh urges are intensified by walking, so that didn't last long. I probably shouldn't be driving since I was pretty loopy with it yesterday when I tried. My wife will be home soon though, so maybe that will help...


Thanks for reading if you managed to get through that. Sorry about the atrocious autocorrect mistakes I'm sure I missed along the way. I was trying to correct them as I went, but my fuzzy brain is getting in the way now.

I'm so sorry you are feeling stuck in this place. I know everything you are describing and, for me sometimes, it gets to almost a point of desperation.

What I've found that has sometimes helped me is to journal what's going on in my head. All the thoughts going through it. I have a 12 year old and one that is "compliant" that I'm dealing with right now. I am also not DID but like you, the dissociation and shifting into different parts of me is quite disturbing. It does help me when I sit down with my journal and invite that part of me to just share what it wants me to know. I try to show it compassion and thankfulness for what it has done for me in the past for whatever reason it came to be. Sometimes they just want to be heard and acknowledged/validated.

Hope you feel better soon!!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Oh man! S14, one of my teenager parts is a terror when she takes over! And damn is it annoying when other parts are trying to over ride your own thoughts! I feel your pain. Grounding and distraction is important esp when remaining in the driver's seat is nessecary for your own safety! Like trail runner said Journaling is helpful to be able to keep track of what is going on upstairs and outside. If you can find a quiet balanced moment...I would suggest trying to think about the preceeding hrs, days, weeks and see if maybe you can identify the stressor and triggers that connect with the angry teenager emerging. Once you know what woke him up maybe you can talk him off the ledge and back into dormancy. Speak to him as a friend on his own level, acknowledge what he is feeling and let him know it's gonna be alright, you got this one for him. Idk. It's just some ideas. If he is a former you than you know best what you at that age desperately needed to hear, feel, or know that he never got. Maybe you can be that older figure that you needed? Idk. I'm just stream of consciousness babble mostky... Hope you are doing OK and just stay focused on Monday...it's only a day away keep writing! I'll probably be up most of tonight anyway.

[TrailRunner14]

Hope it's ok. Just wanted to share this with you. I saw that you put songs on infinite replay. I do the same thing. This is what's on mine right now.

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[confusedbyself]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this drop right now. I sympathize and empathize with everything you said as I am right there with you at this moment which is what drew me to your thread. I hate that you are feeling so bad and sure wish I could make it go away for you.
I hear you on feeling stuck with no answers, especially with contacting you t by text. I'm sure you are right about the response you would get as I caved myself today and yesterday actually and got that exact response. It might still be worth considering if it stays intense and you are anything like me because even though I know the text outcome, there is some sense of relief in knowing that someone out there cared enough to contact you back and show you that you are not alone. I reread some texts to help me get through some points just trying to remind myself that there is someone with me now. Of course that's just me and I don't know if it helps you any. If you struggle with the aloneness in the battle though, don't give up the idea of reaching out to her just because you know the outcome. Maybe the support itself can help you through.

My thoughts are with you and hope you have a much better day tomorrow and don't even need the help

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks all

I've been trying the journaling. It's difficult, but it helps somewhat. I find myself getting lost in flashbacks and trailing of with the writing. I'll try to show it to t on Monday.

I think a bunch of stuff ended up triggering this. I haven't slept well in weeks (which alone can bring all this stuff up), and I over- tired myself with work and committees to others. We are also trying to wade through csa stuff in therapy... there's other factors paying into it too, but they are all related to work and stress and memories.

I woke up this morning with echos of flashbacks. I can still feel them on my body. It kinda sucks. Bits of memories are also playing through my head. It makes sleep difficult.

I think the teenager wandered off. I feel like half little kid/ half competent adult. I'm sure it will change again as the day wears on. Not gonna bug t today though. My wife is home today so hopefully that will be distraction enough.

I tried to check out the YouTube link, but my phone doesn't want to cooperate at the moment. Will try again later.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Glad the intensity has wound down a bit for you. I too get into "aftermath" states alot like your describing. That fuzzy dpdr feeling where its kinda a relief but its also kinda like a shock state. The storm has subsided but you are on the outside surveying the debris. Surreal unsure really what happened scared wanna just curl up and hide but almost cant move sometime literallly cant will your body to move. Everything seems vaguely familar but still unstable slightly shifted in an almost inpercebable but also shakenly drastic way. You kinda think youreyoue but you seems like a distant memory that youre not even sure is yours....not really quite sure who you are now still kinda shifting.... not quite sure who or what is gonna happen next...wondering is the room/ world whats kinda off or am i what has moved, or both?.

[TrailRunner14]

So understand!! There is a push through side to this! I say that as a statement. I believe that and I'm pushing to it.

I say that to say "there is healing" and I want it.

For you too!!!

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[Lost_in_the_woods]

(This way out) hope you made it alright to your T appt today and starting to feel better. Just wanted to let ya know im thinking about you. Hope all go well.

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks lost_in_the_woods.
I was a complete *** in session. I'm not sure why she tolerates me.
I was mad that she poked holes in all my reasons the csa couldn't be true. Then I was sad...
Still sitting behind my eyes to get through the day.
Still want to just destroy myself (why do others have more right to do with my body as they wish than I do?!)... bratty teenager again :/
I'm so tired...

[Lost_in_the_woods]

:sadhugs: that sucks. don't know how long u have been w ur T, why would she tear you apart when you obviously have had a terrible week?! WTF! Doesn't sound very supportive or therapeutic to me! idk her tho, so I really shouldn't going judging anything... but, personally I would be looking for a new T, cuz regardless if she believes your present reality or not... it is NEVER helpful to disregard or minimalise what someone else is going thru! A professional should certainly know that at least, yes CBT type thought challenging can be helpful but someone's got to be in the right mental frame to do serious processing work! You walk in her office obviously in distress...not the right time to start dissecting and opposing your feelings! I think anyone whatever their issues would walk away from that kinda invalidation feeling like a pist off teenager! Grrr. Sorry to go off on a rant like that... hopefully you can get some rest and find some relief.

[TrailRunner14]

((( hug )))

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[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to miscommunicate. I seem to do that often.
We are working on acceptance of the csa... I tend to throw different reasons at her why it couldn't possibly be true, and she gently goes through each one suggesting the reasons it might actually be true... it's not a bad thing, it's where we are at in therapy. It just sucks sometimes, because then I have to get back to the process of accepting what happened. She's actually one of the best t's I've had (and I've had several)... most of the time, I go in with desperate attempts to find ways it's all my fault and i'm just a drama queen (much easier than having to change the entire view of my childhood)... she's one of the few t's who understands trauma and dissociative disorders...
I ended up telling my wife some bits of the csa last night. She took it pretty well, and said a bunch of stuff in our relationship now makes more sense to her... as good as it was to finally be able to talk to her about it, it triggered me really badly. I'm afraid it might have been a mistake, not for anything she did, but because I'm totally freaking out now. I couldn't check out fast and far enough after telling her. It feels too vulnerable now... what if something bad happens? What if she is mad at me for it? I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble. He'll figure out I told someone, and he'll come here andI'll be in trouble and...

I told t I feel like i'm waring with myself; my adult side knows the right things to do, but my teenage side wants her own way, and they are both just trying to protect the scared little kid side (who really just wants someone safe; anyone really, as long as they are safe, though would prefer t)...

I can't sleep at all tonight. It's going to make tomorrow at work suck... with my luck, it will be a busy day and i'll have to stay the whole shift. At least it's somewhat grounding to be at work. I just hope it's quiet and easy, even if it's busy...

I really just want to find a way to check out hard and fast. I want to be anywhere but in my body right now.

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

:sadhugs: that sucks. don't know how long u have
been w ur T, why would she tear you apart when you obviously have had a terrible week?! WTF! Doesn't sound very supportive or therapeutic to me! idk her tho, so I really shouldn't going judging anything... but, personally I would be looking for a new T, cuz regardless if she believes your present reality or not... it is NEVER helpful to disregard or minimalise what someone else is going thru! A professional should certainly know that at least, yes CBT type thought challenging can be helpful but someone's got to be in the right mental frame to do serious processing work! You walk in her office obviously in distress...not the right time to start dissecting and opposing your feelings! I think anyone whatever their issues would walk away from that kinda invalidation feeling like a pist off teenager! Grrr. Sorry to go off on a rant like that... hopefully you can get some rest and find some relief.

[ThisWayOut]

Last night's session was really weird...
I'm not sure I know how to describe it. I think it might have been insomnia-induced psychosis or something. T and I were talking about the csa, and I checked out pretty quickly. I know I have aspects of myself that I've compartmentalized. I cycled through a bunch of those parts last night when talking to her.
And talking about it all was confusing. Towards the end, I just felt this huge crushing sadness. I put that away really fast too...
T keeps acknowledging that most of my csa memories are contained in "trauma bubbles" that sometimes come up, but yesterday was the first time so much of it came boiling to the surface.
I dunno. I'm not sure what to make of it all. It was loud in my head the whole time too. There were thoughts that were closer to me, and ones that were more detached... many were really conflicting.
We talked a bit more about the one and only aspect of myself I have zero connection to. I know she's just a container I built around the scarier stuff. I'm aware she's a construct of my head. But I couldn't speak her name yesterday. It was like the first time I was telling another t about her. It felt like speaking her name would invoke her... though I'm pretty sure she is gone. All that's left is a feeling of terror (the same one I know I built her around to cushion it)... but if she's gone, why am I so afraid? And I know she's not real, but then why can I only talk about her as if she were?
Yeah. Psychosis, that's it. Yup...
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe trying to make sense of some confusion? I dunno.