questions: dissociative disorders version

no.

(and as I say on here a lot, it's ashame)

do you get many emails?

Too many emails! Most if not all are junk mail or advertisements. Sad to say, but it makes me feel wanted in some distorted way. That's pretty sad. Yuck!

Do you like fruitcake?

Fruitcake is YUCKY! only really really Old peoples eats it. Eww!!...sorry if you old then I rude

Do any one knows why big people keep crying?

I agree with you. Fruitcake is yucky!! Just asked out of curiosity.

I'm crying now. I'm physically big but I don't think it's the big part of me crying.

I think big people cry from wounds and hurts from the little parts of them. The little parts that don't understand the ugliness of the world they have been shielded from. It comes back, in pieces, and shatters the safety you thought you had.

Can't think of a question. Please forgive me.

Fruitcake is disgusting!!!
Lost, why do you think big people keep crying?
TR, be gentle with you in your tears.

I have a question. The question is if you could have anything you wanted at all for Christmas, what would you choose?

A place of safety for my heart. That would be my wish of what I have wanted always.

Do you ever want to run away? What would be your destination?

yes.. running away is something I think about often

running away to a tropical island where their are no cares in the world, lots of beautiful things to look at, and the sound of the sea to relax you when ever you need it.
my question is:

are you satisfied? (not happy), just satisfied with your life

No. No I am not satisfied with my life. There's too much of it that I don't understand just yet. I'm persistent and determined to reach a place where I am satisfied. I am content to keep heading in the direction I'm going.

Do you feel stronger where you are now than you did 4 years ago? (4 is not a random number to me. It's when I woke up.)

I'm gonna address a few questions here hope no one minds
1. To answer my little one's question... big people cry about the same kinda of things little people cry about. We cry when we get hurt or are scared...mostly we cry because we feel like nobody cares...and we cry a lot about all the people and memories and moments we have lost...we cry for you.
2.If I could have anything for xmas...a time machine to go back to stop whatever happened to us that caused all this pain.
3. I want to run far far away all the time! Before I understood what was going on really...I used to run away ALOT! But it did no good cuz wherever I went still we were there and I hurt many other parts and people I love as well.
3. Satisfaction? "I can't get no..but I try and I try and I try and I try..." lol sorry couldn't resist throwing some Stones into the mix!
4. 4 yrs ago... I was in denial. Painful time. Somethings were much happier....but couldn't ever really find peace of mind bc I didn't understand how broken we were...just that nothing was right and always scrambling to catch up, cover up..but couldn't hold on....I understand a heck of a lot more now...but things are not better situationally a lot worse..personally just different I guess.. idk. That's a tough one!

How do you keep track of time?.. or at least how do you try to?

"Time is a measurement of our limitations, based on knowledge, not our understanding."

Wish I knew where that came from. I "heard" it one night as I was going to bed. It came to mind when I read your question. It says much to some part of me, just wish I understood what that was.

Do you grieve what never was?

I just tried to look it up, and the only page I got back was this exact page on PC

it's a good quote though
we griev for what never was, and also how diffrent (and more stable), things could have been- if given the right set of circumstances

our biggist issue is always family. we wish we had a family that loved us and took care of us.

do you feel let down by the mental health system or not

Yes and no. Yes because it is hard to find treatment for DID. It seems that therapists do not advertise it. Even the two that I have seen with experience with DID had nothing about that on their website. And I really needed someone with experience.

Yes because I was told that I would benefit from group therapy...but there are no groups in my area.

No because I am getting better, and I don't believe I would have gotten any better without treatment. Also my insurance has been super cooperative about paying for therapy.

Have you ever been in a therapy group?

I was once in a group ACOA not sure if that's the right letters. Adult children of alcoholics. I felt very out of myself. They were all about sharing what they were experiencing. My life goal was to cover up what was not good. I really didn't know how to be there. It was out of context for me.

That was when I was pregnant with my youngest, now almost 18. I was looking for strength and answers that I didn't understand. Hope that makes sense.

Now. I so wish I could find a group that I could be a part of. Be open and honest. Be real. I'm working through some pretty tough stuff right now and it would be such an amazing gift to me, if that was an option.

Again.

Do you grieve what was not?

Sorry. That is the main topic on my mind right now.

I am not sure if you saw this but we answered above.

do you feel validated by family?

I did see that it was answered.

Forgive me for asking the question again. I thought someone else may have something to add.

This is a really hard place for me. Grieving is not something that I know how to do. It has always been covered by numbness when something happened or I have experienced a loss. Added to that, my loss involves a person who is still in my life.

I apologize if I'm not making sense. I'm trying to make sense of it myself.

I'll pass along your question. My answer is pretty evident.

Do you feel validated by family?

no not at all.

we've not spoken for 12 years.. just about says it all.

how much (or how little), have you spent on christmas gifts this year

Nothing. Working on necessities. It is currently 37 degrees in the house and no running water. Survival first, then Christmas gifts. I did have my disability hearing for social security and they told me I would hear back in six to eight weeks - it is thirteen weeks and three days today...so, if they get off their butts and approve me soon, we might just have a good Christmas after all.

As a segue into my question let me say that the best gift I ever gave or received was forgiveness - but regarding a more traditionally thought of gift (the kind you buy or make), what was the best gift you ever gave?

I hope you get the running water sorted

(we've never actually had a problem with no running water, but we have had boiler issues)
now to answer your question: a couple of years ago, I knew this guy who was really in to jazz music so I got him the a-z of jazz on 4 cds.

unfortunately he didn't apreciate it much (he used it a few times, them threw it away) but their we go.

I was always braught up to believe it's the thought that counts. nothing else.

question:

do your insiders write notes to each other to help with remembering?

do you find it works?

Some write notes and some are full of helpful info about who they are and what has been going on...then of course some times find notes that are just rude. Nothing really helpful just a bunch of explicit angrly scribbled across pgs! but I guess that's how that part was feeling try not to take it personally...it's hard...I tend to take EVERYTHING personally! I'm working on it tho. :/

Any inanimate parts?

no not in our system

how much is usually spent on stuff for the other alters (clothes, or stuffies, etc)

Not much, we don't buy much stuff in general. Though yesterday a front kid alter bought something appropriate and nurturing for a struggling adult alter, which was really sweet.

How do you an your system work on cooperation? How do you help each other?

Skip..worst timing ever.
I'll pass it along...

How do you an your system work on cooperation? How do you help each other?

well,

we do the note thing (leaving alters notes)

our computer has an area for each of the alters which does (or should), encourage them all to stick to their own files and stuff

we try to give everyone a fair say, and not just let 1 alter have the final word on things

name something an alter's done this week to be useful/ helpful

Fronting adult was physically frozen in therapy and kid alter (coconscious) was doing her best to take over the body to help frozen fronting adult out.

T was asking "So who is here with me today?" (Groan --- we HATE that question - note to self, will have to tell her never to ask it again!)
Alter - physically frozen. No response.
T - are you an adult?
Nothing.
T - a child?
Nothing.


Silence.



More silence.



Crickets.

Kid alter, struggling as hard as she can, manages to take control of one arm. Flings it outwards.
Manages to take control of other arm. Flings that one outwards as well.
Kid alter laughs out loud at the absurdity of herself having control of the arms but not the rest of the body.
T, smiling - Ummm, are you an adult and a child?

Kid alter laughs some more and comes closer to the forefront to have more possession of the body, but is still greatly under the influence of the adult part.
T then proceeded to show us a grounding technique intended for the frozen adult part. Kid was able to use the body to begin it, then consciously handed it over to the adult, because it was for her. Adult completed it, then was less frozen and able to talk with T normally. Now adult has her very own grounding strategy to use on her own.

After therapy, kid alter bought a present for the adult - aromatherapy pulse point oil to reduce stress.
Kid alter is awesome.
Might have to go Christmas shopping to buy a present for her.

It's a good question, SS. So I'll ask it again: what is something one alter has done this week that was helpful or useful?

This last week we shared something terrifying with our T. Never told anyone before. In fact, not sure we ever even told ourselves before - certainly not out loud. I left her office feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable and was losing a battle with self-loathing and started to shut down.

Sonseearae tried to cheer me up on the way home. I wasn't having it. She wouldn't quit. Finally she said something that got a reluctant smile. I tried to get back to that place where I couldn't feel. Anyway, long story short - she refused to give up and rescued me from free falling into an emotional abyss.

What would you do with a million dollars?