questions: dissociative disorders version

i'd feel a little upset, a little lost, and a little confused

as annoying as it can be having all these alters, what would I do without them.

the very thought of it

are any of your alters ever concerned for the host

At this point, I think that all of my alters are concerned for each other. In fact, I think I would say that they always were. My whole system seems to be formed around protecting a very young part (age 2) from feeling anything bad. So they act in whatever way they think will protect her, and more and more now act in ways that will help various other parts. I think my system works pretty well together. I was talking to T3 yesterday, and she said that it is too early to work on my teenage protective part, that I still need the protection. And everyone pretty much agreed on that.

I don't have a part that I identify as the host. I am not sure what that would be like.

So that brings the next question: How did you learn that you had a host?

Reading your description of your system, I am seeing my poster stars on the floor with my counselor a couple of weeks ago. Your description and the arrangement of my stars (parts) are very much alike. As I find the different part of me, there is a curiosity among the other parts about it. Then there is concern and compassion, after it's figured out and understood. I know that they care for each other, and the greatest protectiveness for all of them is for the "Little One"

I also do not have a part that I feel as a host. It feels like the other parts of me blend/step up/shift constantly in response to what I'm doing or what needs to be handled. My counselor has asked me to find "me", I suppose that would be the host. I don't think I have found that part yet, or the other parts know how to step back. That sounds scary, because I don't think I would know how to function.

I'd like to pass on the previous question, because I would like to know.

How did you learn you had a host, and how did you find that part of you?

we have a part that knows everything about the system

a little like the dictionary

you want to know something, you ask her

that's how we found out

she was like herself... I know all their is to know, so i'm the host. that's final.

do you follow any blogs relating to D.I.D

I don't follow any blogs. I don't really how to do that.

I'm still having an issue with believing that DID is what I am dealing with. Experiencing. Witnessing. Victim of.

I would suppose that if I was driving a motor vehicle and blanked out - but kept driving, unharmed and switched/shifted back, not remembering how or why I got there - then it would only make sense that another "part" of me "stepped in" and did that. ?

Does anyone else have this struggle? Can you be severely dissociative and this be an issue, or is that DID?

I suppose that was more than one question, sorry!

YES, TR, the struggle is real!!
Parts of us that experienced abuse absolutely know they were abused. Parts of us that didn't absolutely know they were never abused. That is a part of how dissociation protects. We exposed our system to our new therapist earlier this week, and then went into denial again. The ones in us that step forward with denial absolutely deny that we have DID or that any abuse occurred.
Because - for them - it didn't.
We have struggled with denial of various intensity for many, many years. (Even though some of our abusers have admitted abusing us, those parts of us still think we are making it up!
Dissociation is just that good.

I am going to let the same question stand, so someone else can answer it from their own perspective.

Thank you!

Luce. Would a thread on this topic be beneficial? I have so many questions and thoughts in this area. I don't want to throw a rabbit hole into what the thread is about.

I've found that talking and sharing so much today has put me in a strange place.

Forgive me.

The previous question stands.

I too do not follow other peoples blog, not even before I was integrated. in short it would mess up my brain cause my alters problems and cause everyone to feel they need to be like those in the blogs, which would cause even more problems like denial and confusion because I was not like those in the blogs. my treatment provider and I discussed this a length and one thing about blogs is that theres no way to know what is true and isnt in someones blog. I know a few college students who have mental health / mental disorder blogs and they are not those mental disorders, instead they have researched it so much that they can just pass as believable mentally disordered but then a person who actually has the disorder comes along and reads those blogs and discovers hey wait a minute why doesnt that happen with me, or wow do they really think that happens with DID, they really need to get a life... so insttead of putting my own self and system through all that stuff I never read them anyway. I stick with resources given to me by my treatment providers, that way I know Im reading what fits me and what my own location goes by.

trailrunner stated
I would suppose that if I was driving a motor vehicle and blanked out - but kept driving, unharmed and switched/shifted back, not remembering how or why I got there - then it would only make sense that another "part" of me "stepped in" and did that. ?

the answer not necessarily. in my location this kind of dissociation falls under the term high way hypnosis and happens to every human being even those who do not have parts\ alters. the brain is an amazing thing if you develop a habit the brain will keep you doing that habit even when you are not fully aware of it like driving down a road and you space off, the brain keeps you driving...

one of the psych classes I was in actually tested this by having the students do the same activity every time they were doing an every day activity. I chose tapping my knee when watching the news. one day my then girlfriend/ now wife said to me when is this assignment going to end watching you tap your knee is annoying. I looked down and laughed there I was out of habit and not aware of what I was doing my brain had spaced off during the news and I had started tapping my knee even though the assignment was long over.

challenge to anyone who wants to try this.. pick an activity you do every day, something that is part of your routine and add to it another activity. give yourself a deadline of like a week. then keep track of how many times after your deadline how many times you become aware that you had gotten bored with your normal routine activity and started doing the added element with out being aware that you are doing it.

by the way the instructor for the college class got this from their childs 6th grade science assignment, they were teaching children how the normally works when one get bored and spaces off.

Today, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the time "blank" that happened to me, and our discussions here. There have been other times that things have happened, when I wasn't me, but those times seem more dreamy to me than this most recent time. Maybe it's because it was so "real" and I realized it in the moment and not as a recall. If that makes sense.

And, what does this mean? My mind is asking me that question and I can't answer it.

What is the most disturbing aspect of dissociation/DID for you?

I've been in a off place for the past couple of days. I've shared much here, and I hope it wasn't too much. For some reason, I feel like I've done something wrong.

If I have, please forgive me if I said something I should not have.

You haven't done anything wrong at all, TR. I have really enjoyed your sharing recently. I enjoy these kinds of discussions.
My life is pretty busy at the moment and I am *trying* to focus on study. Self discipline in this area isn't my forte!

The most disturbing aspect of DID / dissociation for me is not being in control all the time. It truly disturbs me that sometimes alters take over and act differently to me, and certainly different to the image I have of my self that I would like to preserve. I am intelligent and focused, and when blank / triggered / child / other alters present in THIS body - which people perceive to be ME - I find it embarrassing, disturbing, shameful, and humiliating. I hate it.

Another thing I hate - prior to this year I had my '**** together' and I was successful in my job and study. This year a work situation has ruined that for me, and now dissociative issues have returned full force. I am losing time again and failing at parenting, studying and working. It angers me. I anger me. I am annoyed I don't have my **** together better.

What aspect of dissociation are you grateful for?

Thank you so much for your reply!! I hope you do well with your studies. Time management is not my gift either. It's very hard for me to focus on something for the long stretch.

There was a light bulb that came on when I posted here earlier. Disorganized attachment. Man. I tell ya what. I hate those two words!!! I don't think the normal person, who hasn't walked through it, would understand the damage, and I will venture to say, devastation, that those two words contain. Thank you for hearing me.

I am most grateful for dissociation for the part of protection and safety it was and is for me. Until I grow into myself, I'm sure it will be there, on guard and ready to step in when it feels it's needed.

I pray for a time that it's not needed and it can be my friend and ally, not the bouncer it feels like it has to be right now that zips me with no warning.

A question from earlier is still on my mind. I think a part of me has held on to it. It's a bit disturbing to that part.

What if you (I can't quote it verbatim) realized your other parts were no more?

That is my question. What if you woke up and all of your other parts we not there? Would you feel lost or would you feel free?

sad, confused, at a loss, totally abandoned

i'd not know what to do with myself- though it's annoying as hell, having it taken away... I feel it would be even worse (especially given the state of my less than perfect life)
how many other D.I.D systems do you talk too

I used to have these same fears but I found out that for my location and my culture and for me there was no such thing as alters being no more...

let me show you what I mean...

before being abused a child has all their emotions, memories, feelings intact... they can cry when they need to, be happy, sad, excited, touch and feel things,... (evidence according to my location is go to any place where children are and watch the under 5 year old children play, express their emotions, use their words (or not in some cases )

then extreme trauma happened to me... what was one whole person in the example above got separated to where the trauma's and anything associated to my trauma's were dissociated and formed what was my alters.

then I grew up this way with these alters taking control anytime there was something triggering to me that I could not handle, they handled/ took care of those things for me...

then through therapy and working on all my problems each of the alters sense of agency (job, purpose reason for being created, what they took care of...) was no longer needed. they did not die or go away. they just merged together with me to form that one whole person we all were before the trauma's happened.

an example that is used in my location is taking a cold glass of water. put half in another container and add trauma (heat it up, dont boil just heat it to where it is warmer than the cold water.) then add it back to the cold water again. its still all there, nothing left or got rid of, it just mixed together to form that one whole glass of water is was to start with.

my point if at some point your alters are integrating they will all still be there just in a different way. the same way they were before all the trauma's happened as part of you as one whole person again. you will have access to all the memories, emotions and feelings and all that they were because its all back to being one whole person again.

to answer your question when I realized my alters were integrated/ merged together with me I was very happy. it was like not feeling empty or anything was missing, for the first time in forever I felt whole, I felt less like a passenger and more like hey this is my life and it felt great.

granted there were times of confusion because for the first time there was no dissociating when handling things that otherwise triggered me, I had to learn what emotions were and how to express them, I had to learn how to self nurture / self care rather than an alter taking care of me. the first time I experienced a full range of emotions I was on the phone with my therapist asking hey is this what anger is, wow different but good.

just trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to for you. and talk with your treatment provider. they will be able to explain to you what happens when you go through integration and what to do afterwords.

Apart from conversing with all of you here, I speak with one person who has DID. We email back and forth and skype once a week or so. We met in real life and had a close friendship for several years. Now we live far apart so only communicate online, though we hope to go visit them next year.

What age bracket are you in ? (20s, 30s, 40s, etc)

Today has been a very busy day for me!! I read the previous question and wanted to answer but couldn't

The only people I have to talk with about what I'm working through are you guys. I'm so thankful for you!!

It would be so great if there was a support group, here local, that I could become a part of. People who could relate and understand what it's like.

I'm in the 50's bracket.

If you had the power to change one thing in your life (past or present), what would it be?

it would be my family.

growing up with love and being wanted would have made such a diffrence, not only to my childhood- but to now, i'd have someone to rely on.

are their any parts of your diagnoses you don't understand

That would be mine too!!

It seems like it would magically take all this away. Don't know what to say about that. It will be ok. It will.

Do you ever have a hard time getting dressed to go somewhere? I've changed clothes several times before, thinking I knew what I wanted to wear beforehand.

Parts of diagnoses I don't understand... ummm, not really, but after admitting to new T that we were in complete denial about the DID when we went to the psychiatrist for the ADHD diagnosis and didn't tell him anything about the history of trauma and dissociation, she now wants to send us for a complete diagnostic assessment again with a more accurate history.


Clothing issues.... yes. Our ex 'host' had an eating disorder and was somewhat underweight... these days we are more on the 'plus side'... so she has major wth? issues whenever she is out and struggles with clothing. Another alt likes dresses and skirts, but nobody else in the system wears them. That can get complicated. One kid who fronts a lot chooses clothing combinations that are not really... acceptable for others amongst us.
We mostly get around clothing issues by keeping the wardrobe to a minimum sort of 'uniform'... we own lots of jeans and tops that are pretty much all the same.

Same question/s for the next person.

Oh wow!! That was how I was looking at the clothes thing myself. A uniform. It usually hashed out to be jeans and some neutral color top. I've tried to do something different but there was never peace.

This past week, I purposefully dressed in my running clothes. That was when I blanked out on my way there and got lost. I have no idea if the two are connected or not.

Same question. Just had to respond.

my question is:

do you believe life has treated you unfairly

(not just diagnoses, everything). do you believe life has failed you?

No. 'Life' owes me nothing.

Or - life has given me everything that it promised (that is - life itself).

Or,
I am much better off than many in the world.
In spite of everything.

I have no question.
Make one up for yourself.

what is 1 thing that is standing in the way of progrsssing with your treatment in a positive way (if their is anything)