[Luce]

That sounds like a lot to take in and process, Sept.

bit of a switchy weekend

saturday was particularly bad for us

told someone else about our insiders- and now she has question after question about it!

a lot of us want to see finding dorie- but we have to wait patiently until we can get the dvd..

their is still no sign of our door decorations, either.

however, we now have a suspicion about who's taken them

oh and 1 more thing- we had no sterrio all weekend. (that's no music at all, ugg!)

[lucidity11]

went to the social security office for my son. had a massive anxiety attack while sitting in the waiting room. The women at the counter asked me if I was ok. I told her I am claustrophobic. I am in certain situations but this was something else. After when i got outside I couldn't drive. everything felt like I was watching it like a movie. this lasted five to ten minutes. A similar thing happened another time when I was in that office. But than i just got up and left. This time I had to wait. Maybe that is why is was worse this time.

we have a bit of an ear ache.

nothing too unpleasant, but it's not nice either.

(i don't suppose it will last to long, it always comes and goes)

pizza takeout tonight.. woo!

overdid it on the pizza and made ourselves sick

(it was bound to happen, i wish we could just eat normally)

ear ache's gone as i expected it too (random how it just comes and goes)

lost a little time this morning- but we did get triggered by the mention of fire (1 of our biggist triggers fire)

saw 2 entries in my journal today that wern't by me

here we go again yay..

almost triggered too by reading our post from yesterday

but we're surviving

[Septembersrain]

Therapy again today. Is it normal to feel this nervous? Why is it so hard to talk about my past? It feels like I'm missing so many memories. After talking with my older half brother, I've learned so much more had gone on than I remember. I don't know how to feel about all this... *Sigh*

Sent from my iPad Pro 9.7 using Tapatalk.

who what where?

yesterday's a blur, and today's not much better

1 of the others ate all the flying saucers we had last night.

uggg!

we were asked again if alicia is our daughter

christ that is getting so old.

but that's all we really remember of the weekend.. so many switches i suppose

now trying to peace together what might have happened yesterday

The more I study to disprove my condition, the more I prove it- like every requirement for DID as outlined in the DSM-5 makes absolute sense and it fits me to a T. It's so disheartening that I try staying busy away from here and anything having to do with DID, but it's so like in your face and permeates everything that you are as a person and do that it's always there in the fore front of my mind.

And I feel hopeless, adrift without a sail. I had just got a T but my insurance changed where its not covered anymore. If we quit our job for a poverty line one, I can get all the help that I need.

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

1 of the others ate all the flying saucers we had last night.

uggg!

I know we do that too! It's almost impossible to maintain a diet.

i have to say this, but really gutted cassy o is not on the boards anymore.

ddevistated

in other news we are actually functioning to an extent today.

glad AC2 decided to stick around.

yay.. big plus

we are shocked we actually won a gold medal at the olympic games

us. great britain. who suck at all sports known to man

[lucidity11]

sometimes I hear screaming, fighting, and rage in the air. or sometimes I hear a symphony in the air. Just sound coming together. It's interesting how the mind can interpret the reverberation of air.

we have decided not to bother with a new sterrio.

playing our cds via the dvd player works just fine (and is actually louder too)

now, to write an essay on why you can't marry a can of fizzy pop... seriously

[Luce]

Bit of a #@&% day really. Earlier this week thought we had had a breakthrough with work bully - we had two days of hopefulness then yesterday and today declined into the same old same old. It is so confusing. As my immediate boss she changes the rules all the time... I try to follow the new ones then they get changed on me all over again. She says "don't do that, do this. I do this then get yelled at - "NO, you need to do THAT, I TOLD you that already! How come you don't get it - everyone else does!" So it was a great day of just being wrong with every single thing I did.
Then T canceled on me. I was bummed. We haven't seen her for a month - tried to get an earlier apptmt because not dealing with the work stress but couldn't, and now we can't see her til the end of September as I am going away.
We tried to set up a skype apt with ex t, but 3 weeks ago she told us she would contact us to set up a time, and she hasn't yet. We can't do that til the end of Sept now too.
Then abusive effing father calls to say the stupid mother woman is very ill (is looking pretty serious now) and he needs me. He effing needs me. I don't want that. It scares the crap out of me. I see months of her health declining and his needs increasing and I just. cant. deal.
Meanwhile my studies are falling further behind and I have to go away for a month for something study related that I am completely unprepared for given the year of work hell.
$%^#^*.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by Luce

Bit of a #@&% day really. Earlier this week thought we had had a breakthrough with work bully - we had two days of hopefulness then yesterday and today declined into the same old same old. It is so confusing. As my immediate boss she changes the rules all the time... I try to follow the new ones then they get changed on me all over again. She says "don't do that, do this. I do this then get yelled at - "NO, you need to do THAT, I TOLD you that already! How come you don't get it - everyone else does!" So it was a great day of just being wrong with every single thing I did.
Then T canceled on me. I was bummed. We haven't seen her for a month - tried to get an earlier apptmt because not dealing with the work stress but couldn't, and now we can't see her til the end of September as I am going away.
We tried to set up a skype apt with ex t, but 3 weeks ago she told us she would contact us to set up a time, and she hasn't yet. We can't do that til the end of Sept now too.
Then abusive effing father calls to say the stupid mother woman is very ill (is looking pretty serious now) and he needs me. He effing needs me. I don't want that. It scares the crap out of me. I see months of her health declining and his needs increasing and I just. cant. deal.
Meanwhile my studies are falling further behind and I have to go away for a month for something study related that I am completely unprepared for given the year of work hell.
$%^#^*.

I am sorry to hear you are under such pressure. Is it possible that you may switch at work and you don't know about the changes in the rules. Or do you think she is harassing you? And is it possible to not answer the phone when your father calls? I eliminated toxic people from my life by not talking to them unless it was for something I wanted to know. It took awhile but they stopped calling. And when I want to check up on something I'd call them. Ask my question. Have some small talk (very little) than find an excuse to hang up. Like I'm in traffic or my phone is dying. It's been one of the best things I did for my mental health. I didn't talk to my father for 10 years before he died and I have absolutely no regrets. He was a pervert, and toxic. People like this try to pull us back down into their insanity. But if they can't talk to you they have nothing. I hope you have a better month going forward. Take care.

I'm dealing with thinking depression with the work situation. I need a cave long and far from human kind. People triggers me bad and can't get a grip. I'm feeling foolish and embarrassed for my behavior doing things I'd never do or say. This total lost of control I have none. I need to be self employed again.

[Luce]

we think we not gonna be anymore and those other ones can take over

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by Luce

we think we not gonna be anymore and those other ones can take over

Try not to make any quick decisions. Talk with your t. It sounds like you had a very bad day. Feel better.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I am sorry to hear you are under such pressure. Is it possible that you may switch at work and you don't know about the changes in the rules. Or do you think she is harassing you? And is it possible to not answer the phone when your father calls? I eliminated toxic people from my life by not talking to them unless it was for something I wanted to know. It took awhile but they stopped calling. And when I want to check up on something I'd call them. Ask my question. Have some small talk (very little) than find an excuse to hang up. Like I'm in traffic or my phone is dying. It's been one of the best things I did for my mental health. I didn't talk to my father for 10 years before he died and I have absolutely no regrets. He was a pervert, and toxic. People like this try to pull us back down into their insanity. But if they can't talk to you they have nothing. I hope you have a better month going forward. Take care.

Yeah I think I'm switching at work which makes it harder for me to do the things I need to do. Yes, she is bullying me. Management are aware, they have put strategies in place, but still it continues. Been going on for six months now. I don't have the option of leaving my current position. If I do I will have to reimburse work the 20 grand study costs.
The distress caused by the bullying is so great I have been able to complete none of my studies for months. Failure will also require me to pay back the money.