[Septembersrain]

So I having a hard time talking about this. My psychologist said my tests come back invalid. I knew they would. I'm quite odd. My coping mechanism involves stealing good traits from others and incorporating them into myself. So I'm both social and anti-social. He basically said he doesn't know how to help me. He tried to act like my case wasn't unique but he had nothing to offer me. I'm not surprised. I feel like a freak of nature. I was abused so badly I'm used to pretending like I'm someone else so I can live an ordinary life and function.

I feel like I don't know who I am. Where I belong, I can't see it. I'm fairly depressed at this point and I have no idea what step to take next.

Sent from my iPad Pro 9.7 using Tapatalk.

[MobiusPsyche]

Yesterday I referred to myself in the plural ("we") in therapy. I've never done that before.

[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by Septembersrain

So I having a hard time talking about this. My psychologist said my tests come back invalid. I knew they would. I'm quite odd. My coping mechanism involves stealing good traits from others and incorporating them into myself. So I'm both social and anti-social. He basically said he doesn't know how to help me. He tried to act like my case wasn't unique but he had nothing to offer me. I'm not surprised. I feel like a freak of nature. I was abused so badly I'm used to pretending like I'm someone else so I can live an ordinary life and function.

I feel like I don't know who I am. Where I belong, I can't see it. I'm fairly depressed at this point and I have no idea what step to take next.

Sent from my iPad Pro 9.7 using Tapatalk.

Can he provide referrals to other professionals who have experience working with dissociative disorders or trauma?

The tests were "invalid," you're not invalid. That just means these tests are not that helpful with your particular problems.

[Septembersrain]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

Can he provide referrals to other professionals who have experience working with dissociative disorders or trauma?

The tests were "invalid," you're not invalid. That just means these tests are not that helpful with your particular problems.

I need to ask but I was feeling so rejected I didn't even have the thought to ask. Thank you for this. I feel like a weird case that is like a Rosetta stone no one can read.

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[Luce]

It is a challenge to work with people who have had chronic developmental trauma. I have watched a lot of podcasts recently given by professionals who work with and support people who have issues related to this... and it was inspiring. There are some very knowledgable people out there who know how to help / support / treat this kind of stuff. I think it takes a specialist in the area to help. It is long, hard, challenging work. But so very, very worth it. If the T knows their stuff I reckon miracles can happen. (Because getting from that trauma place to healing is like a transformational miracle). But I think a t who doesn't know much about the effects and treatment related to chronic developmental trauma can do more harm than good.

we are having a storm this afternoon.

with lots of rain

that's our cup of tea

someone's been at all our plugs and wires for all our electronic things.

guess what i'll be doing today

trying to find the right plug for the right equipment.
fun way to spend a sunday

not

we went ahead and watched 3 faces of eve

we were okay to start with... but it didn't take us long

that film did end up really affecting us, and when it got to the sceen with kissing the dead face, we couldn't even look

we are proud of ourselves for watching us, but also know that once is probably enough. that movie is intense

Jealous of normal people.

[Luce]

I feel like ex t has my back. Grateful.

our host is not here so i got to write in the god dam journal today

and used a lot of swear words like **** and stuff

are we not allowed to swear.

bite me.

i'm drinkin a god dam dr pepper

****ing top banana

[lucidity11]

I am feeling guilty about trying to make one of my parts stay out at session. We have rules and one of the rules is that we don't make anyone do things they don't want to do. I was trying to let my t know that I don't hear voices in my head. I hear thoughts and a particular thought belongs to a specific part. If I don't know the gender they will tell me. But at this point I know most. My t had a difficult understanding that how do I know if my part is a male or female if I can't hear their voice. I asked one of my parts to come out into session. It's a quite change that becomes apparent when my demeanor changes. This is how the exchange happens in my head. Parts think out loud, (no voice) and communicate with each other in that way. It's like telepathically but with in my brain. So the part that came out to help with my explanation wanted to go but I tried to hold them out. Totally against the rules. I apologized to everyone for that but I still feel guilty and a little sick for trying. It's not my job to tell anyone what to do. I hope the others will forgive me on this. Ill never do it again.

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I am feeling guilty about trying to make one of my parts stay out at session. We have rules and one of the rules is that we don't make anyone do things they don't want to do. I was trying to let my t know that I don't hear voices in my head. I hear thoughts and a particular thought belongs to a specific part. If I don't know the gender they will tell me. But at this point I know most. My t had a difficult understanding that how do I know if my part is a male or female if I can't hear their voice. I asked one of my parts to come out into session. It's a quite change that becomes apparent when my demeanor changes. This is how the exchange happens in my head. Parts think out loud, (no voice) and communicate with each other in that way. It's like telepathically but with in my brain. So the part that came out to help with my explanation wanted to go but I tried to hold them out. Totally against the rules. I apologized to everyone for that but I still feel guilty and a little sick for trying. It's not my job to tell anyone what to do. I hope the others will forgive me on this. Ill never do it again.

Us too, it's like telepathy or something. We share thoughts and think to each other. I've noticed the guys have manly voices of all tenor while female voices are softer and higher pitched: not like a total strangers tone but what it would sound like from this body.

It's a long work day. I'm tired of knowing about DID and me, it's about all there is to talk about. Can't seem to forget about it because the Others are there and always yapping. It's like the one thing our obsessive mind can't shake.

[lucidity11]

I have a job interview tomorrow. they called today to set the appointment. I have a **** load of anxiety. It started right after I got the call. I am glad I might have a job but I am terrified about it. I am so distracted I almost got into an auto accident. I was driving and couldn't focus. I know I will get the job. And that scares the **** out of me. And I don't know why. All I keep thinking is I can't be certain I will be able to leave the house every day. Than what.

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I have a job interview tomorrow. they called today to set the appointment. I have a **** load of anxiety. It started right after I got the call. I am glad I might have a job but I am terrified about it. I am so distracted I almost got into an auto accident. I was driving and couldn't focus. I know I will get the job. And that scares the **** out of me. And I don't know why. All I keep thinking is I can't be certain I will be able to leave the house every day. Than what.

i hope that the interview goes well, or at least, nothing bad happens.

you will have to let us know how it is

we got our refund on the broken sterrio.

new one is set to arive tomorrow so we'll have something to set up

(if this one breaks we will scream!)

we are getting a copy of the movie the lion king today on dvd.

would you believe that that's our fave movie and we don't own it?

well we will later, and not just the standard copy either. diamond edition

we also feel quite light headed today.

but then i'm not sure we drank too much last night.. probably why.

it was a hot night, so...

[Luce]

I am so scared I am going to forget again. We have been having a breakthrough of sorts which ex t has been helping with, but now I am in another city and have to give all my attention to real world things for a few weeks. I can feel the internal stuff slipping away as I dive into the real world work and I am so afraid of losing it completely.
It has slipped away, repeatedly, many times before. Each time years go by. It is years and years before I 'wake up' and realize what is going on, what needs to be done. I don't want to wake up again and be years older and still in the same situation.
I feel stuck in limbo, trying to hold on to both worlds and failing at both.

sterrio arived.

managed to set it up without much (key word being much) anxiety

for £109, sounds pretty good

watched lion king as well and cried at mufasa's death sceen (we always do)

only 30 minits of sleep last night, bringing our total amount of sleep for the week up to 80 minits (certainly not enough, yet surprisingly we're not really affected by it)

we just had a late breakfast (caught up watching violetta)

violetta being a tv show, not the name of an insider (though we do have an insider called violetta augustina)

but in this case it's the disney channel we are talking about

time lapse.

that is all

[lucidity11]

Went to a job interview today and got the job. It feels good because it is a job I find interesting. I start saturday. Just thought I would share some good news for a change.

[Luce]

Great news, Lucidity.