I want a therapist....but I also need a truck and a new place to live.

[IB splitting]

Whoa forgot I was on here. Still in therapy lots o meds doing ok I guess I'm still dealing with 23 active alters.

not a great deal has changed since we last posted on here,
mood still low- and we're not really taking care of ourselves (I know we should, but it's like we don't deserve it). our days have just been well, to put it nicely, boring and a waste of time.

we've had less sleep than a night watchman, which really does not surprise us as we've always struggled with that

no luck with finding a new therapist, so far we've had 4 refuse and 2 that never even took the time to phone us back.

I don't think we've really been up to anything else.

Possible trigger:

our life's been such a ****ing joke, it feels (more often than not), that we don't deserve a life at all.

we still think a lot about suicide, and we know it's the answer.

not just because we've all ready done enough damage in past attempts, bt what's actually happening for us.

nothing

what do we have planned.

nothing

I don't feel anymore needs to be said on it.

Possible trigger:

family have been up to their usual tricks,

contacted us to say that they were thinking about coming home from africa just so that they could kill us, then they would go back (knowing we're still alive is killing them), and they will do anything to kill us.

we thought about talking to the police about this, but well.. not only are we scared of the police, our family are not in england so not much can be done, and even if it could, our family wouldn't even talk to them.

but yes. it's bothered us too

makes us feel even worse than we do every day anyway.

and finally we got the trigger code working.

don't know why it wasn't doing what it should, but yeah

Yesterday was an emotional disaster...our neglectful son let our Chiuahua Cleo get out.....we went lunatic and kicked the kid out...the littles were freaking....a lot of screaming and name calling to this morning....

But we manage to reset and let it go.

Cleo is back and so is our son...and we are calm....for now.

[childofchaos831]

I'm so sorry shattered sanity about what your family is doing. I don't know laws where you are, but here you would be able to get a protective order that if they did come within a certain distance of you, they could be arrested on just being there. Some orders also include phone or text contact, but that's a little harder to get here. I totally understand the fear of the police as well tho, I just hope that you are able to feel safe from them...

[childofchaos831]

We've been having a roiugh time lately. Communication has become practically nonexistent. Either I can't hear the insiders at all, or the noise is so loud it drowns out the real world. Lately, one of the insiders has been cofronting with me pretty much constantly, and I'm getting to the point that I can talk with her so I'm not feeling so alone anymore, but it's still disconcerting to not be able to communicate with the rest of them...

[Amyjay]

Sometimes I am so dissociated from my dissociation. Like I come to this forum as a visitor, like i have my sht together and I am just passing through out of curiosity.

okay this tex box (new one at the bottom of the screen) is god dam annoying.

don't even think I can navigate the site with that everywhere

ugg, ugg, and ugg!

[TrailRunner14]

Well.

Not a good night.

I was truly hoping for a good weekend. Why the hell does this happen every single weekend?

My oldest couldn't wait to get away from here. He's gone but still close.

My youngest just told me that he couldn't wait to get out of here.

My heart is breaking.

I don't have words.

I'm angry but I don't know how to do that in the right way.

This sucks.

[TrailRunner14]

It's really shut me down.

I don't know.

Please say a prayer for me.

[TrailRunner14]

I'm so tired.

[Amyjay]

Saying a prayer for you trailrunner.

not a regular on here but dont feel safe posting this anywhere else so will put it out here
thought we were finished with the body memories and the need to process them but thats definitely not the case anymore
forgot how incredibly intense and painful it all is and now with 3 new groups coming forward it isnt going to get any easier anytime soon *sigh*

[Amyjay]

Ugh sorry about that. I spent last weekend having physical flashbacks and it was awful. I had some through the week but it wasn't relentless like in the weekend.
There will be an end at some point right?

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

We've been having a roiugh time lately. Communication has become practically nonexistent. Either I can't hear the insiders at all, or the noise is so loud it drowns out the real world. Lately, one of the insiders has been cofronting with me pretty much constantly, and I'm getting to the point that I can talk with her so I'm not feeling so alone anymore, but it's still disconcerting to not be able to communicate with the rest of them...

I'm having a hard time communicating with mine too. I hate it.

[krazy_phoenix]

hi,

we have been away for a while, but back again (again, again).

hi to you all.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

I'm having a hard time communicating with mine too. I hate it.

Its awfyl, especially knowing they are there... I really miss the kiddos the most...

[dlantern]

Enjoyed a concert kicking back chillin wondering what the rest of life has to offer

[TrailRunner14]

Today I've been hanging out in my reading room, mostly reading on PC.

I've got tread marks from last night. I was told last night that it's all my fault that our family is so f'd up. It's all my fault. I've heard that all day in my mind.

Ya know, maybe it is. Maybe it is my fault that I have stayed and tried to keep peace and safety for my boys. Or, maybe that's NOT my fault because I never felt like I had a choice. Stupid learned helplessness. That rolls the blame to my upbringing. So. It's their fault! But. What about their upbringing? What if they didn't know any other way? Does that send it back another generation? Is it their fault that they saw no abuse in what they did or didn't do?

I feel numb.

This is wearing me out!

I don't really want to do anything but hang here. It's a beautiful day outside but it looks better from my window.

I do have to go and pick up some things from the grocery but I don't want to even get dressed.

Sorry to be a downer. I just wanted to put it somewhere.

This is not me.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Saying a prayer for you trailrunner.

Thank you Amyjay. Last night was not a good night and I have to say that I don't remember posting the comments I made here last night.

I do thank you for saying a prayer for me. It is gratefully felt today.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thank you Amyjay. Last night was not a good night and I have to say that I don't remember posting the comments I made here last night.

I wondered, the language was different to what you usually use.

I am filled with sadness today. I suppose it is from emotional flashbacks of all the years of aloneness. I have four more sessions with T before she goes on maternity leave. I have only been seeing her for 8 months but we have done a lot of work together and she is my only source of support. A little one is terrified of being left alone with the abusers.

I am tired. We are working 6 days a week....but was just offered to get skill training. The guys are going to learn AC and appliance repair which is cool for us because the job is technical and less physically demanding. We also get to be on call and work mandatory 7 day weeks during the summer months. If it weren't for this job....we'd be going crazy.