hi

so i have this problem...
i'm trying really hard to figure it out

its like.. i dont know if i have D.I.D. or not... but its like i become other people, with different problems.. you see, i'm fine, i don't really have any issues... i don't feel depressed or anxious, but i know that i get like that some times, but not me; its like having a roomate that will just decide to take over the house and make it his alone for some time.. like, im almost sure that if things dont go according to my plan today that he will be back tomorrow if not later today, but he is me, when i am him...

its just so difficult for me to understand this, i go to therapy but i dont know why, besides to help that part of me, but its not me that goes to therapy; its him

i just have a question, if a person has D.I.D. then shouldnt he just tell me?
why do i not seem to be able to communicate with that part or whatever it is that happens? like, why dont you just say something to me already you idiot! (saying that i feel like there are someone saying something but i dont know what)
it makes it difficult for me to just say "ok, i have D.I.D."

but maybe its because i've been like this for ever so its difficult for me to notice? like, maybe the voices in my head aren't me, maybe they are them and i should treat them different than i do instead of getting so angry with myself?

hmm... im going to try to write this down so i can have it to share with that therapist when i go (or he goes) maybe then she will be able to talk to me, or tell me something to help me understand why i switch like that

like, i have scars on my body so its not easy to ignore and be like "im fine!!"
clearly i have cut myself, so i know that its not ok, somethings wrong and im trying really hard to figure it out; if i have to share this body with roomates i would atleast like to know who is in the room with me, or atleast the house so that we can make rules about whats up

does any of that make sense to you guys?
thanks for listening

do treatment providers automatically say you have DID...

not in my location. in my location a treatment provider stating someone has a mental disorder with out the diagnostic process stating they have that disorder it is grounds for that treatment provider to be fired and prosecuted for emotional abuse and false memory syndrome, causing a false mental disorder imposed on others.

besides the legal issues of a treatment provider in my location telling someone they have DID or any other mental disorder, they dont always tell someone they have that mental disorder due to the persons problems.... example if someone has done mega research on a mental disorder and have convinced their self they have that mental disorder that can be affecting the way in which a treatment provider works with that client....what happens when a treatment provider confirms or denies that mental disorder... it can open a whole bunch of problems like denial, false memory syndrome, false alters, suicide, psychosis gosh so many things can go wrong if a treatment provider just blurts out at someone who has been doing mega research and leading their self into believing they have a mental disorder and the treatment provider confirms or denies it with out actual diagnostic evaluations to confirm or rule it out.

only you know what your last diagnostic evaluation showed on what mental disorders you have and how you answered any of the questions during the diagnostic process that you went through,

only you know how you need to tell someone, a treatment provider about your own problems. short version I am not in your body and I am not the one seeing your treatment provider only you can do that. only you know which forms of communication works for you.

if you really want to know whether your insiders are normal, psychosis, dissociative or otherwise type of alters you will find the way to communicate with your treatment providers, and you will find the way to getting a new diagnostic evaluation.

think of it this way if you had a cold or flu or broken bone or other physical health issue you would know with out anyone telling you how to tell your medical doctor what is going on so that your physical health problems get diagnosed and fixed. well dealing with mental health is the same way. if you have a mental problem you just know what you need to tell your treatment provider about your own problems that will get you your new diagnostic evaluation.

its been a year since your last one and you are applying for SSI / SSDI right so now is a good time for you to sit down and think about whether you really want to know what your mental disorders are and write out your problems and then find the way that best works for you in telling your treatment providers what you need and want. (thats what people with any mental disorders do in my location when they want to figure out how to tell their treatment providers things and get a new diagnostic evaluation done.)

I think I'm just borderline, but who knows...

I depressed again

I hear your confusion. Trying to figure out what is you and what is not you.
I don't typically have that same problem. I know what is me and what is not me. I am me - my others are them. They are most definitely not-me. Although I accept at an intellectual level that all of these me's belong to one actual human being. So I own my me's as being me, even whilst experiencing the subjective knowing that they are not me.
I don't become other me's. There is only one me (me!). But other me's in me exist. And they are them, each with their own independent sense of 'me'. (Not me, but their own sense of me as in how I would call myself 'me' and you would call your experience of your own self 'me' too). So we typically don't experience that confusion between ourselves as you seem to.
That shifting of a sense of self, that being different me's would perhaps(?) be more typical of OSDD. Which is very similar to DID and not in any way lesser than it, and is a debilitating disorder all in itself.
I don't know at all. I am merely responding as best I can, with the knowledge that I have, which pretty much is that my experience of DID seems to be different to the experiences of self that you describe.
But please remember I am not the gold standard of DID and nor am I an expert. Like you I am simply doing the best I can to muddle through this quagmire called life.

I couldn't tell ya sweets...that's why I claim to be a multiple...because it's true and we/I accept that. Acceptance is the key...just as they say in AA to serenity.

So you got headmates....kewl...we all do. Personally...I don't need another to tell me what I already know and feel. Am I psychotic? Yeah right...one can only dream to be fixed by a pill of which none of mine ever did.

When my Others talk...its so like not me...I may feel the effort behind it because it is mental muscle....but I didn't think it....like the hundred other comments that spoke out of my lips today. I wish that I was insane...but not that lucky.

I've accepted that I'm a community and that anything can happen way beyond my control and but I still have to deal with the consequence. Life is a ***** then you become one...I know

sorry yall, im just bein really triggered lately...
lots of stupid stuff happening... im not supposed to be getting caught up in the whats it is, but just focusing on doing therapy and focusing on trying to talk to the treatment providers like amanda said...

i guess just part of me really needs to label it to find some sort of tranquility in simply knowing whats wrong instead of being all crazy and not knowing whats going on...

i was told by the psychologist at the last assessment to come back in a year for further testing/retesting but i cant afford it because my insurance doesnt cover them for some reason... im supposed to talk to my therapist about testing but the last 2 times i forgot...

it doesnt matter what it is as mch as mattering how to live better... it just seems important to figure out what it is so that i can know what i m dealing with..

im exhausted from all this... and im ashamed... because i cant be just 1 way, i end up being 100s of ways and its really disturbing me... the shame...

i gotta quit drinking and find another way to deal with it...

i read my post again and its just weird, i feel like i didnt say things the right way

was standing by the coffee pot and something told me that amanda misunderstood me in a part of it, and made me feel like everyone gonna misunderstand that part too...

i didnt mean he, like the doctor... i meant the alter(s).. know what i mean?

but i guess i do hear a response when i ask... i just always put it off as self conscious or the inner voice... or higher self...

yes I understand what you mean. one thing about having mental disorders is sometimes it leads a person to believe they are just fine. for example you may know that you have alters but most people that I know, their alters dont refer to their self as being alters and most times in those i know and in my own system there is the do not tell aspect of extreme abusive trauma.

example every time I was abused in any way my abusers made sure to threaten me with harm and harm to others if I ever told. the ways in which this happened to me caused me to have alters who's sense of agency was to follow that and at all costs don not tell.

since in my location DID happens when children under the age of 5 undergo extreme abusive trauma my alters did not disclose to anyone me included that I had DID, to do so would have resulted in breaking the do not tell rule built in to my internal system.

not to mention the nature of the disorder.... a persons memories and such get dissociated, so in me it was just part of having DID to not know I had DID, just to grow up thinking I was just like anyone else, since I had everything that is DID from before age 5 up until I was integrated there wanst all this questioning in me. it was just my normal. it was only after being diagnosed that I found out that what I considered to be normal for me was actually not normal.

i also did not have any alters who's sense of agency was to go around telling people or me that I had DID. probably because at the time that my alters were created before I was 5 years old my mind did not contain any mental disorder information. what was my mind set as a child under age 5...it was playing with my friends, eating and sleeping, playing with my siblings and playing with my toys, my childhood during those years was not about researching on the internet about mental and physical health problems. the only time I had any reference point to being sick was when my siblings and I needed stitches or band aids or sprains and such from the town doctor. people just dont go around spouting off about this mental disorder or that one to their children ..can you imagine it.. so amanda (an adult talking to a 4 yr old child) if someone does this that and the other thing to you and you do this that and the other thing at the same time everything that makes up your personality will break apart and become alternate personalities and then you will be called mentally ill with a disorder called DID here is what you need to watch for (supplying the diagnostic criteria) people dont talk to children that way so its pretty normal for a child not to know that they are DID and why most people in my own location dont even suspect they have DID until a treatment provider tells them.

my point is on all sides of your question, no matter how its spun, my alters were unable to tell me I had DID, simply because of how and why I was DID and the nature of the disorder.

right now you dont know whether you have DID or not. you have done some great research and ......feel..... you may have this... my opinion now its time for you to talk with your treatment providers. let them know what you suspect you may have, they will tell you how and why what you see as being DID is what ever they already diagnosed you with or they will be able to get you set up for a new diagnostic evaluation since its been a year since the last one.

ES, I get the sense that invalidation is a huge trigger for you, and that what I wrote earlier may have felt invalidating to you. I am truly sorry if that were the case. I know how awful it is to feel invalidated, and how impossible it can feel to cope with the triggered response to it.

You are valid. Your experiences are valid. Your emotional torment is real. Your pain is real. You have experienced abuse and you are still experiencing the effects of that trauma. It floors you. It wipes you out. it is so overwhelming for you that you cannot function. All of that is very, very real.
I personally cannot say to you "Yes, you have DID." Neither should anyone else here on this board. I sense your questioning and posts here are a search for validation. Sometimes I wonder if you feel if *we* thought you had DID then you would be validated enough to bring it up to your therapist. But we can't do that.

You need to talk to your therapist. You need to find a way.

i think so too Luce... but i know that no one here can tell me

i just have to figure out how to talk in "real life" better so i can talk to treatment providers about it..

im just having a really hard time right now...

i go to therapy and then i dont know what happens, i get triggered a lot in the waiting room... triggered a lot on the ride to the clinic because of my dad since i cant drive and have to have someone take me... and he's the only one currently that takes me...
so by time i get through with therapy i dont remember anything that happened... cant remember what we talked about or what she said ...

im just gonna try to talk to her about evaluations and assessments this next time, im supposed to be reading this book but i havent been able to because of too mch stress...

i just have to keep trying... dont give up... everything will be ok... this what i try to tell myself...
its just hard... dunno why it has to be so hard...

im gonna make it work some how... thanks you all, i know im a mess... im ashamed..

Its gotta be hard to not be thinkin bout what it is when you missin time n not knowin what happened. That n one time feelin one way and another feelin somethin all diffrent. Its hard when you doin 180s in your head.

I sure dont know if its you or some diffrent you or what and i know how its hard to be nice to yourself cuz im not real good at bein nice to me but i do better with bein nice to other people. I think i dont deserve nice so i get mean to myself sometimes. Im sayin that cuz you was sayin how maybe if you got other ones then maybe you shouldnt get angry but treat them diffrent. Thats important to me cuz even tho i got did n other peole in my head with me i know they still me so when im bein nice to them im actually bein nice to me and boy oh boy does that make my head spin but its the truth and i know that. So for me part of bein nice to them is bein nice to me even tho its not my nature to do that. Its hard work bein nice to yourself for me. I dont know if im makin any sense. I guess whats important is i think you deserve lots of nice to you no matter if there are other ones or not. You deserve that no matter if theres one you or lots of you.

NiKKi

thank you NiKKi...
makes perfect sense...