I wasn't sure if I should post here or in survivors of abuse or in PTSD.Sorry if it's in the wrong place.I'm wondering how long it has taken others here to process their trauma and abuse.I know there's no set time for processing but sometimes it feels like it will never end.

I have been working through memories,working through specific traumas,getting to the point of being able to talk about them without being triggered and dissociating.Knowing that it happened to me and not some other kid.No longer having it walled off,having certain memories going from being someone else's memory to completely being mine.Seeing something from my adult mind and seeing it for how it really was vs how my child mind saw it.

I will think I have something processed or have completely worked through it but then I will start thinking about it and I will see more and more things that I didn't realize before and it all makes even more sense.Some things I have been doing that for 7 or 8 years.

Sometimes how I have perceived things changes.I will think I have it all figured out but then when I think about it I realize that wasn't it at all and my new way of perceiving it is right.Then it may change again.

Here's a simple example,not a super traumatic one though

Possible trigger:

I was sitting in the back seat of the car and blood was spurting on the windshield of the car as my dad was driving

While working through that memory I realized when I was little I thought the wipers were on to wipe it away so my dad could see to drive but in reality the wipers were on the outside of the car and were on because it was raining.I realized I focused on buckling my shoes and was real proud of myself because I had put them on myself for the first time and figured out to buckle them myself and it had nothing to do with what was going on around me like I thought.There's other things too that I don't want to write about.Then for a long time after those realizations I would have more realizations.Things that were different than what I thought were true as a kid,such as the wiper thing.It felt like it took forever to work through all that.

I hope someone can understand what I'm trying to say and ask here.Will there ever be an end point to all the processing or will I forever be doing this?

[Luce]

I dunno... I guess I reckon you don't have to process every trauma. If we spent time doing that we'd run out of lifetime.
I guess what I want to get out of therapy is the skills to manage the dissociation and the trauma effects so I can deal with whatever stuffs comes up, whenever it comes up. But I don't want to be able to talk about the traumas as such.
I think processing themes will be important for me.
I dunno. I only feel half here and rambling. Sorry!

Originally Posted by Luce

I dunno... I guess I reckon you don't have to process every trauma. If we spent time doing that we'd run out of lifetime.

I don't think that every one can be processed when there's been prolonged trauma.The way my T explained it was you work through them as they come up in therapy,the ones that are most troubling will come up as therapy progresses.Instead of digging for memories or traumas,deal with what comes up.And that once the biggest most troubling ones are processed that many times that takes care of the smaller ones too.Like if a very troubling SA trauma comes up then working through it might take care of the lesser instances of SA.Same with violence,neglect,emotional and verbal abuse,etc. That hasn't always been the way it has worked though and many of the lesser ones have needed processing too.

I have only worked on whatever comes up.I haven't purposely chosen them or searched for them or anything.The ones I think I have finished processing just randomly pop in my mind sometimes and I start thinking about them,analyzing them,etc.

You said you don't want to be able to talk about the traumas.How do you do therapy without doing that?Is that your choice or your T's?

Thanks for replying.

Originally Posted by Luce

I think processing themes will be important for me.

I'm not sure what that means.Is that like just working on general abuse categories like SA,neglect,etc instead of specific traumas?

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Terish

I'm not sure what that means.Is that like just working on general abuse categories like SA,neglect,etc instead of specific traumas?

I mean processing different types of abuses. Different abusers different abuses etc. Different manipulations, different trauma responses. Stuff like that.
My current T is EMDR trained, and we are working to reduce trauma symptoms rather than talking about the abuse. In EMDR therapy it isn't necessary to speak about the traumatic events in order to heal them. Although can if you want to. We were in long term therapy before and I don't think we ever 'talked' about specific abuses, although ex T seems to think we did.

Originally Posted by Luce

I mean processing different types of abuses. Different abusers different abuses etc. Different manipulations, different trauma responses. Stuff like that.
My current T is EMDR trained, and we are working to reduce trauma symptoms rather than talking about the abuse. In EMDR therapy it isn't necessary to speak about the traumatic events in order to heal them. Although can if you want to. We were in long term therapy before and I don't think we ever 'talked' about specific abuses, although ex T seems to think we did.

My T tried doing EMDR with me but I didn't find it helpful so we didn't try it anymore.I don't think he was well trained on it though.Talking about everything has been what's worked best for me.Getting traumas out and facing them and trying to work through them the best I can has helped.It's just that it feels like it takes forever to do it.

Your way sounds better,healing without having to talk about the traumas.

[Luce]

Dunno if it will work or not, have only just started with her really. But I know I don't want to talk about the trauma. We aren't going to do full on EMDR. She said with multiple types of trauma and multiple incidences it takes too long, and you have to be much more cautious about it when a client has a dissociative disorder. But we are using EMDR related techniques, which in a very short space of time (8 sessions) are helping much more than nearly a decade of talk therapy did. So I'm gonna go with this for as long as it keeps working.

We saw a therapist once after months of financial arrangements and applications....to have an Other declared and thought that there was nothing wrong with him and monopolized the entire session with a dismayed therapist that thought we were waisting both hers and our time.

I guess this was a way our system keeps our secret.

As far as processing.....we can't, won't, and don't. Sometimes it seems when we go there....things just don't go well and the pain is worse then I can remember so much that we dissociate and fall apart.

I'm scared.

[Luce]

I hear ya, AC. I don't want to go there either. There is nothing to be gained for me in doing that. I acknowledge where stuff comes from, and I want to learn how to manage the trigger responses so I can get on with my life. I want to change the learned messages (I can't be loved etc) and get the hell over them.

Originally Posted by Luce

I hear ya, AC. I don't want to go there either. There is nothing to be gained for me in doing that. I acknowledge where stuff comes from, and I want to learn how to manage the trigger responses so I can get on with my life. I want to change the learned messages (I can't be loved etc) and get the hell over them.

I know where the **** comes from and going back to deal with the trauma can push us over the edge...really.

I guess that we are so polyfragged that managing triggers is an impossibility for us because we have no core to build upon...no sense of oneness..a central entity...

It sucks to be us...forever said and spoken...

Thanks for all the replies.I appreciate it.

I feel like the oddball here so maybe I should try posting this in PTSD or survivors of abuse.

It has just dawned on me what our PTSD triggers are.....like someone angry at us, yelling at us, intentional loud terroristic passive-aggressive subliminal indirect comments, staring, whispering about us to others,....

We know how, where and why....it's complex (c-ptsd) and to overcome these are impossible for us because it's wired into who we are. You can't erase 18 years of terroristic parenting.

I guess for me revisiting the past is/has been a way to understand why I feel and believe the way I do and a way to overcome them by weeding through fact and fiction.The things I thought were real or true as a kid were wrong and I only seem to see that by processing old traumas,not the acts of abuse(they have to be talked about to be understood tho)but how they made me feel and believe about myself and other people.

Maybe I'm just an oddball because I need to analyze all of it but it's what works for me.I have to understand the how's and why's of all of it in order to get it.I thought I already knew how where and why too until I revisited things from my adult mind and eyes.And in that way I have found it is possible for me to change old recordings.Not all of course but many and hopefully many more.

Originally Posted by Terish

I guess for me revisiting the past is/has been a way to understand why I feel and believe the way I do and a way to overcome them by weeding through fact and fiction.The things I thought were real or true as a kid were wrong and I only seem to see that by processing old traumas,not the acts of abuse(they have to be talked about to be understood tho)but how they made me feel and believe about myself and other people.

Maybe I'm just an oddball because I need to analyze all of it but it's what works for me.I have to understand the how's and why's of all of it in order to get it.I thought I already knew how where and why too until I revisited things from my adult mind and eyes.And in that way I have found it is possible for me to change old recordings.Not all of course but many and hopefully many more.

Has any of the symptoms, triggers or adverse effects been relieved?

[L.P.]

Hi. I wanna try to respond. We had this haapen to us just last week. Thats how come i am here today. i was gonna write a post about it n then i see your post so i wanna respond and i hope im makin sense here.

We do that to. We thinkin well okay we did some hard work and we got some vitory and yay and then later that same thing we did that hard work on it comes back up in our heads and we all well how come that happen? So we think think and try to figure out why we stuck on that stuff again? Hm.

I wish i knew how long it takes to process somethin. Its hard to say cuz even though maybe you get a memory processed and can be thinkin about that or talkin about it without flippin out but then you dont notice until a long time later how they way you livin life or somethin is still wonky cuz of that thing n you not even knowin it or somethin. One thin is always mixed up with lots of other things its like playin connect the dots in my head if i get to thinkin on it too much.

We had the group of us here in my system who was doin life before me and the group im in come around to live n they had a t n they talked to her bout some things that happen. Well some of them talked about the things n other ones talked about how to be livin life. Them ones who talk about trauma stuff well it sure helped them. We had one girl and boy oh boy did she need to talk about what happen to her. It was important to her somebody hear her. She process lots of stuff that way n what she did well it helped lots of us now say some stuff that happen n we dont get set off by lots of what she said now cuz for a year there she never stoped sayin it. I guess we got used to it. But we still processin other parts of what happen that she said cuz theres more to processin for us then sayin it.

Ugh. I sure hope that make sense. Im all feelin half 8 and half 18 today. Lol.

NiKKi

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Has any of the symptoms, triggers or adverse effects been relieved?

Yes things have really improved.Not at first though but my T said things would probably get worse before they get better and that was sure true.

I still have many triggers but it's different now.A simple example(I try to not be graphic with examples), if I see a male with dark sunglasses on,I get bad anxiety but I understand why that's triggering and do self talk,tell myself I just feel anxious cause of the past do some deep breathing and can manage instead of panicking or dissociating.But first I had to work through the trauma with the male in dark sunglasses and how it made me feel about myself and what it made me believe.

. its like playin connect the dots in my head

That's exactly it L.P.

Maybe once all the dots are completely connected the processing will stop?

Originally Posted by Terish

Yes things have really improved.Not at first though but my T said things would probably get worse before they get better and that was sure true.

At first revisiting the past was completely destabalizing and I had to take breaks from therapy but my T was the one that would suggest it and decide how long so I didn't end up in the hospital.It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

[L.P.]

Originally Posted by Terish

That's exactly it L.P.

Maybe once all the dots are completely connected the processing will stop?

I sure hope so. I got my fingers crossed for you and im pullin for you. I know you can do it.

I gotta understand and analyze things to. Im a over thinker even when i dont wanna be or try to be. I guess its just who or what i am. It helps me feel better about stuff if i can use my people brain and not my lizard brain. Lol. Somebody else in my system he says im a control freak and thats how come i think and think about stuff. I dont know about that tho cuz i like to think about things so i can understand them and know whats what. I think about it like well if i was a caveman and all a sudden i show up now in this time and im in a grocery store well im sure gonna freak out cuz i dont know or understand nothin about the year 2017. Nope. Lol. But bein that im a person who lives in this time well i dont think nothin of a box of frosted flakes on a shelf and people with carts cuz i know how all that food in boxes and stuff on wheels works. I got understandin. I d better not bein scared of things if i understand how they work. I gotta do the understandin thing to make big steps.

NiKKi