Who is "Me"

Ok. So..... I've been thinking about this. Me. Who is that anyway?

There are undeniably "parts" of me, and from what I am understanding there is a "me" me. How in the heck do I figure out who/what part is?

No. I have not been drinking. Hah!

It's not making sense to me. It feels like the other parts of me just rotate. "Me" seems like the shell that the other parts are contained in, and "me" doesn't have a personality or emotions. It feels like the other parts hold those.

Is this making any sense? Does anyone have a "me" that is just them, and not another part?

Forgive me if this is really confusing. I'm having a hard time trying to explain what I am trying to ask.

Hey trail runner
You are not alone, 'me' is a tricky thing to peg down.
But you are 'you', always, just that sometimes you don't act like you, usually for reasons that are a consequence of your neurosis.
My advice...listen to your body.
The mind communicates through your body, if you are not being true to 'yourself' it usually manifests this conflict in a physical way, maybe a feeling in your belly, on your skin, in your heart, or a 'discomfort' in your mental state.
Pay attention to these feelings and act accordingly, this will lead you to your 'true' self.
What issues are you dealing with?

i can definitely relate. sometimes more than others, i have a sense of who "I" am, but it can also get very confusing. like you, i feel like it's this me who is mostly non feeling and does the day to day stuff. i try to keep things level so nothing happens like triggers (not that those are easily avoided) and try to be as 'normal' as possible (again, hard to do).

i don't have hobbies. there are TV shows i like but can't always pay attention to them. i don't have goals, dreams, aspirations, etc. because i guess my function is just to keep trying to live, though just surviving is getting old again. i try to pretend things are okay enough to the outside people.

as for the others/parts, i usually only feel things if it is their stuff. sometimes, i can feel something on my own, but usually i am just numb.

trying to figure out who i am outside from them is challenging. sometimes i think there is another version of me who is not me but not like the others either. that is confusing too.

i guess sometimes i am more just me and not so many other parts are around, but sometimes they can be.

talk about making/not making sense...haha

you mean other people think about this?

im not crazy?

I am me. Others in us say they are 'me' - meaning not me, Luce, but themselves. We each have our own sense of self and refer to our selves as 'me' - meaning our own selves. Not one of us identifies with the birth name or thinks they are that person. I think of myself as me, A thinks of herself as A, B thinks of himself as B, etc. A thinks of me as Luce, and 'not her'. Having said that there are times when we feel very depersonalized and don't feel like our individual selves, and can't identify a known other either. Kind of like nobody. Just floating through.

Either that, or you have some crazy company.

Thank you!! It's a lot to process. It was going through my mind and I decided to put it here. After I posted it, it kind of grew in my mind. It's a lot to try and take in.

There are fragments from my crib, when I was so very young. I was split at such a very young age.

Was there ever really a "me" or am I creating that now?

If the fragments are from so young - there was not a me even then. There was an "us" even then.

This is confusing and disturbing the chameleon inside of me.

There is no "me" until I find all of "is" and collect them into "me". ?

Is that logical?

What is a neurosis?

I think so

like.. it's easier to describe all the other parts/ their likes/ dislikes, but when it comes to you you can't think of anything you like and you find it hard to describe to people who " you", actually are. I find a lot when I'm talking about my system, that's the case.. I can describe perfectly alicia or natalie, or anyone, but not myself

but also their are so many fronters, I sometimes question who I was born as (like who the body actually belongs to)

am I emily, or am I in fact christine who seems just as dominant

or maybe natalie

it's all so confusing and now you posted it it's a lot to think about.

Trailrunner, do you think you have 'multiple personalities'? Though I don't think it is referred to as that anymore, disasociative personality disorder is the current term I think? Sorry if I messed that up.
It's when there are 'others' that may sometimes take control of your mental function, often creating 'lost time'.
Do you feel this applies to you trailrunner?
Split personality disorder is yet another thing, it's when your personality represses normal emotions or behaviours (usually at a young age) and effectively locks them away. It's a coping mechanism, life doesn't seem so terrible if, let's say, your real opinion of your abusive mother is hidden from your conscious thought.
So, in order to find 'you' you must find all those locked away bits and reincorporate them.
That is something my therapist and I are working on.

You mean like an original? I have come to think that my system does not have an original. I don't know when we started splitting up and all that, but we were young. I'm not sure when a child develops a sense of self, but in my case, it's more likely we never developed a single sense of self, rather senses of selves. But who knows. It seems like someone had to put us here... maybe it was just a function of the brain and the brain is really the original. I dunno. It can make my mind get to spinning.

We have a lot of fragments still left within us that have not been integrated. We also have a lot of fragments that have been integrated. They reside in a place in my head called the woods. The fragments that we have integrated (I happen to have a good amount of them in me, personally) have not really given me a more well rounded sense of self or even understanding. I don't know if it's a me thing or what, but they are so choppy and single... I don't have any better understanding of who I am beyond I was a person who had a jacked up childhood. And I already knew that. Heh. I don't know if it's because I am still not holding a bunch of fragments or if it would be the same if they all somehow became part of me... and I'd just get sporadically flooded with a bunch of incomplete thoughts that play out in my head like nonsense I can't grab onto.

I'm talking a lot... sorry. Short version, nope... my system has no me that I am aware of. And yeah, I think part of the whole healing process and living life instead of reacting to it is creating a me as time goes on.

-Veda

Like Luce says we are all 'me' or "I" referring to our personal individual selves. When we say "we" or "us"- it's a group thing..not necessary in agreement. If talking about the Others....it's they or them.

This is the funny part.... when we all talk to a singleton and we each refer to our selves as "me" or "I" ...they naturally see it as singleton would... one mind one body which in turn makes us appear to them as odd. Lol

Only if they knew to understand.

We don't have an original that we know of because as far back that I can remember...it's all the same.

We also try to regard each other as equals being we are all a part....but a few of us swears that they're the original.

L.P. that's what the theory of structural dissociation posits: that in normal human development the personality structure of the brain is such that it doesn't integrate until a certain point in development. A baby feels and experiences a whole lot of emotional states etc, but has not yet developed a sense of self - a self-knowing, if you will. The infant or young child experiences and feels, but doesn't organise those experiences or emotions into a cognitive narrative or attribute them to 'self'. Those experiences and emotions, good or bad, simply 'are'. In normal human development the personality doesn't fully integrate into a single, stable and solid sense of self until around 6 years of age.
So trauma that happens in those first six years greatly disrupts the normal integrative development of the brain. This is especially so when the trauma comes form primary care givers - the infant or young child is unable to integrate the trauma, so the self and the separate emotional states (and knowing states) remain separate. One single sense of self that owns all of the experiences and emotions never emerges.
So yeah- it is split from the beginning.

That makes total sense to me!

I can relate to "i don't have goals, dreams, aspirations, etc." There are some short term goals I have set, that I've achieved, but long term is just not there. I can't see myself growing old or much further beyond where I am right now. I'm not sure what that means, or what part of me that is.

It seems my days are also just trying to keep an even keel and appear to be normal. I've realized I don't really "respond" to situations (with thought and decision) it's more of a "reaction" which seems to be automatic. I'm not really sure what to make of that either.

My counselor has asked me how "I" feel about something and to be honest it seems like a total blank. I can tell him how the other parts of me feel, but not really "me." Don't know how to sort that out.

My issue is dissociation and horrible screwed up attachment issues.

I do experience the body signals you listed. It is very seldom that I feel calm with nothing going on in that aspect. Ya know, the only time that I feel peacefulness is when I'm doing yoga. That just dawned on me.

"Kind of like nobody. Just floating through." That is what my brain goes to if I try to figure out who "me" is.

It is much easier to describe the other parts of me than it is to describe me and what I think and feel. It's just a blank.

I'm not really sure "what" I am. It overwhelms me to try and figure that out. A diagnosis is really not concerning to me. My mind has picked at it, but "what would that change" is what has been decided.

My counselor and I are working in much the same direction as you and your therapist are, locating all the bits and pieces that were shattered and showing them safety.

Thank you for sharing that. I can relate to much of it.

I think part of the whole healing process and living life instead of reacting to it is creating a me as time goes on.


This makes a lot of sense to me too!

D.I.D

dissociative identity disorder

almost right!

Your comment, "When we say "we" or "us"- it's a group thing..not necessary in agreement." brought attention to that with me. I've always referred to myself as "we" even when I am making a comment about just myself. Hum.

It seems to come naturally on it's own. On top of that, it feels very normal.

Hum.

This speaks such truth to me. Sadly.