question

Ok, everyone says dissociation helps them survive but it doesn`t help me! It makes daily life
extremely difficult for me because.. it`s like my brain absolutely doesn`t work!.. When something
bad happens associated with rejection betrayal etc.from people close to me at the moment it`s like
all the trauma from my childhood comes here and now and I can`t differentiate past from present
anymore. I litteraly can`t think, and speak.. I don`t have any attention on anything.. any working
memory.. because I become the child I was then!!! It`s like I look but I don`t see a thing!.. I don`t
understand.. I don`t sens nothing! It`s like something broke in my mind and there is no.. continuity
and integrity anymore. There are only casual pictures that come to my mind, could be from the good
times as well, not connected and with no emotion no understanding no meaning.. Is this something
more that dissociation that comes after it as the traumatic events deepen?..

High Aniii....welcome to PC!

So sorry that you are going through all this....and dissociation did help me survive when I was a wee one as DID/OSDD.....but now it is a pain in my arse.

Not to be diagnosing, but it also sounds like also some PTSD in the mental mix there. Have you a therapist?

My c-ptsd drives my anxiety and flashback to the times that I endured the initial traumatic event...or series of one. When I dissociate, it fades away as an Other steps up to continue our living time line....or not. Sometimes I'm just set in a daze looking but not seeing, hearing but not comprehending.

Pretty much only anxiety meds are prescribed and the rest is talk therapy. I just grit my teeth and bare it because it's my normal after so many years...I've become somewhat used to it and know what to expect....waiting for the episode to end to carry on living.

But you don't have to live this way....you can seek treatment. I never did because we isolated and hid it for years. Maybe in the future God willing.

Wishing you well.

maybe this will help you to understand why you encounter people who say dissociation helped them to survive.... some people with dissociation when most normal people would have literally physically died from the abuse inflicted on them, they got away from it by dissociating. an alter took control and took the abuse for them. then when they stopped dissociating after the abuse was over with they had no memory of the abuse, felt no pain, and got to continue with what ever else...

example I was abused in a mine shaft. the abuse was so horrific that I dissociated. an alternate personality went through the abuse, and kept those memories away from me. when the abuse that day was over and I was back in control I felt no pain from the abuse, had no abuse memories, I was able to just get up and go play with my friends just like a normal child does. I survived because the alter had taken the abuse. I survived because the alter held the memories and emotions of the abuse away from me. I got to live and play.

now after all my alters have been integrated and I think back to those days I am very grateful to the alter for taking the abuse and holding those trauma filled emotions/ memories and making sure I was able to live and play like any other child.

this doesnt mean I liked having DID and dissociation problems. I hated it.

your question...Is this something
more that dissociation that comes after it as the traumatic events deepen?.

only your own treatment providers can tell you whether this is dissociation, whether its going to get more and whether your traumatic events will deepen.

for me dissociation did not get more. my alters integrated with me to finally become one whole person. though I still struggle with dissociation sometimes I consider things to be better than when my alters were not integrated.

for me the traumatic events did not deepen. for me they could not because I was no longer being abused. think of it like if you skin your knee. the event that caused the skinned knee is all done and over with, I can cause it more trauma by purposely picking at it (in which case its no longer called a traumatic event, picking a sore here where I am is called a self inflicted wound/ self injury)

my point is since that traumatic event was done and over with it couldnt get deeper (worse)

that doesnt mean it didnt feel bad when talking about it. just that the traumatic event didnt get deeper.

only you can decide whether talking about your traumatic events are too painful for you.

Hey..

Yeah, it`s c-ptsd I think..

Looks like forming an alter that can carry on for you when the initial you crashes is the better way to 'cope'.. thаn.. just cease existing.. although this other one I guess doesn`t have feelings etc... I don`t know how it works exactly..

As to the therapy.. I don`t think it works for me.. I can`t make a relationship with a therapist.. or in such a situation.. that is not from the real life.. I even think talking about all that makes me more harm.. although sometimes I just need to share something.. What helps me is.. being with some real people.... and doing something together.. anyway..

Wish you happy days..

You had a realy good alther then, Amanda.. ) I would be glad to have one like that )
Sorry for what happened to you!

You know, one episodic traumatic event is much better than c ptsd that is living in constantly traumatic relationships.. that changes who you are.. or doesn`t even allow you to be who you are.

Talking about my traumatic events.. I don`t feel it so painful but making me more far away from me.. that is much worse! that is my main problem in fact.
I don`t think I had realised everything in the traumatic relationships I had in my familly.. it`s the allways rejecting me mother that I don`t remember a single moment of affection and closeness with.. humilliating me in front of others.. triangulating with my cousin that she allways liked - but not me.. showing she likes her while being angry with me.. :'( or even because of being angry with me.. My feelings never mattered.. I was allways the bad and guilty.. There are moments that I remember feeling like everyone is against me.. - there are my mother cousin grandmother..etc. and it feels like I was rejected from all of them and all were against me.. the feeling is of bitterness rejection loneliness.. and that I can`t - am not allowed to express anything of this.. I must just stay there.. and feeling like that.. My father was psychically absent.. not interested in me.. only interested in his own things.. that were more important than me and my feelings.. I mean material things or things he wanted to do with some material things that was more important that the way it makes me feel.. I mean.. they were doing what they want, what is comfortable for them no matter if it was hurting me.. My grandmother.. was defending my mother.. saying she`s tired etc. and I must not irritate her.. oh, I didn`t mention she - my mother - was ussually angry, yelling at us, irritated by us even for nothing.. and allways cold.. hearing her cold voice saying something to me.... and I allways felt her artificial.. with everybody.. except my father but she was allmost allways angry and irritated with him too.. so, my grandmother.. she wanted submission.. she was confusing submission with love and respect.. saying - if you love me you will do what I want and not what you want.. etc.etc...

So I don`t know what to do with all this.. looks like I just compensate it with positive emotions when I find good people I like.. but some of these people become bad and do things like my relatives.. so I fall in the trauma again.. and I can`t be, talk, connect again..

Sorry for the long post but I just let it go out..

Wish you well, Amanda!

And talking about this.. I even forget the reality here and now.. as far as there is one now.. and I feel more in my head and not out - in reality, in life..
And talking to you I feel like another persen.. talking to alwayschanging2 I feel like another person.. now that I am dissociated and am not me and talknig about these things that I haven`t said to.. almost noone.

I was working in a big supermarket last years that I was loving very much and the people there were like a familly to me.. althouth some of the most close to me did really bad things to me at the end.. But now we`re closed and now I`m not the same person that I was there and with these people.. even though I try hard to keep this personality..

And I am sometimes really really angry to these close people that knew me well and did things to purposely hurt me!.. It hurt really really much cause I was so open to then and loved them so much!!! And I am really really angry!!! I want revenge! not that I will do something but I really want the same bad things to happen to them! I think this is the same little child that was angry to its parents.. The feeling of powerlessness is awful.. they are bad to me, thay can do whatever they want to me, and I can`t do nothing, I can`t even tell them..
At the same time I am afraid of them.. cause I can`t protect myself and they can do whatever they want to me.. I mean - reject me, make me feel down, isolate me from the other people.. win over me and laugh at my face!!! It`s so unfair!
And I was going great in the store and with the people there! My mind was great, I was open to everyone, joking all the time, flirting, dancing! I was so fully alive that I have never been! But I learned it from the people there! There were some great people!

What I must do now? Find another work with the hope that I will meet great people again.. and become someone again?..
Staying home alone makes me worse.. but even talking to someone now doesn`t make me feel better because it`s not the real me talking.. I feel like the real me..the little child..is lying inside almost dead.. not wanting to do anything.. not perceiving anything..

It is just that being gentle is all you can do because it doesn't go away. I make it point to go to something that I know is driven from something emotional I needed to know a why to and I use that as the reason.

We too have a public relations alter for work. The workers, all they do is work quietly...so we need an Other to be. Unfortunately...I ended up at work at first because it's been years since they been out and now everyone thinks that were funny...not funny funny...like funny weird funny. The guys hate it.

Omg...I just lost half this post. Too sick to do it again...maybe later.

going to guess most mean it helped them during the trauma to survive...though i have known some who don't mind the dissociation they experience as it numbs them so they don't have to feel things too much.

all the types of dissociation i've had have become maladaptive. while they served a purpose (i guess still do) to protect me, they now tend to just cause more issues for me and are not enjoyable most of the time. it's also really painful for me sometimes.