questions: dissociative disorders version #2

Compliments make me feel nervous. I don't know what to say back and it makes a part of me feel like I owe them something.

Very uncomfortable!

Do you struggle with new fragments and images when they come to you? Do you question their validity or do you accept them for what they are?

At this point in our journey I don't really question the validity. I match it up with what clues I have identity things never learned correctly certain sacred issue that stuck with us for a very long time. Body memories & sensations has been a really convincing thing for us it has taken a while to share, but I guess it needed to happen that way. In that I don't really struggle with images and fragments as you put at this point we don't.... I do struggle with some things that come up in dreams and night terrors. I keep like a dream journal at times.....I often wonder do I share that images verbatim symbolically or do I clue to our puzzle pieces or a little bit of both....


Do you all creatively cook? What is your favorite color for that call it adult coloring and why?

I don't cook, I don't color.
Aswering for the previous question, I struggle hugely with questioning the flashes of memories I get, that stuff is not part of my experience and causes me huge conflict because I live close to my family and I see them a lot, now I have these awful memory flashes that involve them and i really struggle to make sense of it. There is a LOT of conflict between parts that say family is dangerous and parts that say family is all they have. One little part in particular cries all the time that she doesn't want to see family anymore, that they hurt her but that is not at all real for me, I think she is lying. it is really hard to make sense of anything.I don't know what the truth is.

What would you love to have right now?

peace.

something so simple, but something so important

what does it mean to you to "feel okay"

to feel good about life and have no worries at all (something that barely happens)

do you enjoy walking?

I love to walk!! I walk a lot. I love to be outdoors in nature. Earphones in my ears, sunglasses on and I basically just "go away" Actually, if I could do it, I think I could be like Forrest Gump - just start walking until I'm done.

Have you seen the movie "Forrest Gump?

yeah.. it's a good movie!

do you (or did you), ever read comics?

I never read comics but I did read a lot of graphic novels in high school and college. And some manga. Manga are so expensive though.

What do you do when you are afraid

I dissociate and "go away" I haven't gotten to the point yet that I can be strong enough/in control enough to do something better.

I hope I get to that point. I believe I will.

When I do I believe I will stand strong and NOT be afraid.

It will happen.

What do you do when you can't sleep?

When I can't sleep I think.

What do you do when a part of you quits therapy but you didn't want to?

I haven't wanted to quit myself, but if a part of me wanted to, I would open myself up to that part and ask it, "Why?" "Why do you want to quit?"

Then I would sit down with my journal and write, unedited, whatever came.

For me, much truth is found there.

If you don't journal, just ask that part and be open to hear what comes.

That has helped me several times.

Are you open to listening to the needs, wants and thoughts of your parts?

This past year I have become much better at giving the younger ones (10 and under) what they need. It was hard at first because a lot of what they want is food, love, and physical contact. My therapist helps them to get these things. The harder part is that the older ones want this too. But I want to deny them. They are guilty. They have responsibility. So they can't have any of it.

Do you like to travel?

we're sure you've read in the past (either on here or the childhood emotional neglect), that alicia- our 9 year old part really wants a mommy.

it's an ongoing struggle, because even though we've tried to tell her why we can't see our real mom, she does not get it (well it's understandable I suppose, she is only 9)

but she wants physical hugs and kisses and tickles, it's really hard.

lately we've been trying to work out how we can tell her in the nicest way that she simply can't have that at the moment, because none of us have that kind of person in our lives right now.

we don't travel, no.

how often do you exercise?

My little ones want safe comfort and attention so badly. It's not found anywhere here.

I actually called my mom to let her know that my grand baby was in the hospital. She can't hold anything down and we were so concerned about dehydration.

I shared that with her and she immediately went to her own personal issues.

What!?

Give me a flipping break!!!

I try. I go. She does what she does.

It makes me angry!!

I want that too but it won't happen for me or the great grand that she pushes aside.

Whatever!!

Sorry. Venting.

Question.

If you could go back right now and see everything in a organized, coherent order, would you do it?

Does it feel safer for you to work through it and piece it together as it comes to you?

Please forgive. I didn't answer the question and just ranted.

I'm sorry.

I exercise every day if I can.

I think it depends on what i'm going back to see in order.

if it's say the abuse, then no, I wouldn't want to

but if it was say some lost time and I could go back and see it in an order, then I would.

it just depends

question:

do your littles have many story books/ coloring books/ just, books in general

They don't have anything except for a dinosaur ocarina that my therapist gave to them because they were afraid to leave his office one day. We will have to go on a long trip soon without it, it's too fragile... no one is happy about this.

But sometimes I buy kid snacks or make kid food. Like mac and cheese from a box or tuna sandwiches with chips (crisps for some people...) or peanut butter and jelly.

I can't think of a question so I'll keep the same one.

Wait I take it back-- I forgot there is one book, but it was from my family for the little girl a long time ago-- It's an Australian book called Panda and the Bushfire. I think Alicia would like it, it has kangaroos! And a lion and a panda.

I have an analytical part who loves to read and learn things. Pick things apart. I have quite a library about what I've been working through.

Another part of me likes to color. I have several coloring books and found these really cool book marks. They are smaller and take less time to complete. When that part comes forward it is almost obsessive. If I start a picture I have to finish it.

I haven't had any kids books but this weekend I went out and bought some books for my grand daughter and I to read. There is a part of me that's happy about that. I think it will be like reading to the little part that was never read to.

Here's my book mark I did today.



Do you struggle setting boundaries with family, without feeling guilty?

I wonder if we could still buy it?

you're right, alicia loves kangaroos, and I bet she would enjoy it

I don't feel bad, I don't feel guilty.



I think the only thing I feel bad for sometimes is myself not being able to rely on a family, not having a family to go too for support, and I often blame myself for being abused (which I know is a bad thing, and it wasn't my fault), but it feels that way at times.

you think well.. am I this horrible unlovable person everyone says you are?

and you come round to the ultimate conclusion, yes... yes you are.

it sucks.

question:

are their times in your life that you simply don't talk about because it is too painfull even for you?

Yes, there are lots of times like this. Sometimes I know they happened and can't say the words because it is too much to handle safely. Other times I forget and then remember and then forget again and then I remember but forget that I forgot and tell my therapist again which is how I find out that they already know. Other times I know the memories are there inside somewhere but I just can't get to them- I say that "someone else has those memories right now, not me."

I put some pictures of the book in the bottom of my reply I like this book a lot.

If you could make up some alternate story about where you come from that doesn't involve your abusers/family of origin/ biological people, what would your story be?

though I don't know exactly, probably something to do with greek mythology (I love that stuff)

probably something like this.. I was the younger daughter of 1 of the greek gods (posidon or zeus, maybe even hadies), who ever it was took care of me and helped me grow in to a strong young woman, probably not with greek god powers, but strong enough to handle what ever life through at me

so when I left and entered the real world, I was prepared for anything

or something like that.

question:

would you miss your alters?

if you suddenly didn't have D.I.D, would you miss them?. even if it's just a little bit?

I've promised my therapist that I will give 100% on anything we work on no matter how difficult or frightening it is, except integration. That's my deal breaker. I would miss the others so much that anything I gain from integration would not be worth it.

Question: You just won or were otherwise gifted with one million dollars - or the equivalent if you are in a country that uses a different currency. What do you spend it on?

I would find someone in a hard place and bless them out of it.

Then I would pay off anything that I owed and go and make a new start.

I would love to have a floral/gift shop where I could make and sell my fairy gardens. I can see it in my mind.

Same question.