whatever this is

i cant handle it...
im giving up... i dont care anymore

i dont care what it is... it doesnt matter

i cant handle it...

the ups... the downs...
my heads spinning...

confusion...

i just cant handle any more... i cant... i cant... i cant i cant i cant i cant

i've been crying all day.... isolated

just go away
please just go away... i just cant handle any more

i cant.... please....

please............... i cant handle anymore..........

this has to stop.... please......

i cant....

i cant do this.....








too much pain............

its all pain...... my whole life has been miserable..... and im tired..... i cant do this anymore...... i cant.... i cant... i cant.... i ca...n..t......



i dont think anyone could ever comprehend....... i am incomprehensible......
i am confusion..... i am a mistake...... i am pain.... i am misery..... i am failure.... i cant..... i cant.....

please..... have mercy.... free me......

what can you do tomorrow to try to help yourself?

i dunno.... i cant stop crying....
i just want to disappear...
i hate this....
i really dont know how much more i can handle....
im hurting so badly....
i just want to make it all stop....
but it wont stop.... you know...?
it just wont stop.....
im supposed to go to therapy monday....
but whats the point... she doesnt think she can help me....

im scared this is the end....



i just cant keep going like this....
i cant.... you know....

I don't want to live any more....
It's too much....
No one can understand the pain.....
Laying here on the ground crying....
Please stop crying 😢....
Im so alone...
I don't think it is going to get better....
I have tried for so long....
Some times there only seems to be 1 way out...
It hurts so much....
You can't even imagine how much it hurts...,
I just want it to stop please....... I mmm begging...

Suicidal thoughts...😞

Im not going to therapy tomorrow... What is the point.... I don't think she has helped me with any things...
Im trying to think of something she has helped me with...
But I can't....
She just says that I can go to the hospital... What good is that going to do me.,..
Im trying to talk to you about my problems and make them better not go to the hospital every time I say something...
Im tired...
I just want to get better....
Why has no one been able to help me...
What is wrong with me... I don't even care anymore... I just want to get better...
She just is not able to help me I think....
Maybe no one can help me....
Do you know what it's like wanting to tell that you just want to kill your self...? Just to make it stop...
Im so lost and alone,... Just want a friend who is able to understand, don't have to help, just understand...

I just don't know how much more I can go on like this...
Alone...
I've always been so alone 😞

Maybe I want to be alone 😞
Maybe I want to be in pain....
But I have been trying hard for years to change this ****.,...
Im tired of being lonely and tired of being in pain and tired of bein like this....

Why do I fail so bad.,...
Why do I seem so cursed....
I was born into this ****.. I didn't ask for any of these things... But no matter how hard I fight I can't change it...? Why....
Anxiety... Depression.... Pain... Grief..... Despair....

I have always tried to be positive... Happy, around others... Hide my misery.... My pain is hidden, secret...
Yet it haunts me... And I get no breaks...
I am having a hard time hiding it any more....
It's consuming me... Why....
I can't even get the break in-between, the lies, the fake smiles, I just want to....😢

Im hurting so deeply...What did this therapist do to me...
I wasn't so bad until I started seeing her...

At least I was able to enjoy fake smiles laughs drink and talk to people... I didn't hate myself and want to kill me....

Or am I just finding another excuse... Something, someone else to blame...

I want to give up so bad.... 27 years of these experiences is enough....

I hate my life... I don't know how to make it better...

These desperate posts have tugged on my heart strings and even though I didn't plan on responding to you anymore I'm going to anyway,even at the risk of upsetting you(again).

What is it exactly you would like to be told here,what would you like members to say to you that you think would be helpful for you?Because I don't really know what to say and I think maybe other people don't know either.Nobody wants to make you feel worse than you already do so it's hard to respond.

You can get sympathy and pity but I personally don't think that's what you need.You have so much self pity already,adding more to it is just going to make you feel worse.

You sound like you want someone to swoop in,take over and tell you what to do,to fix all of your problems for you.Nobody can do that for you,you have to take responsibility for yourself and just do whatever it is you need to do in order to get yourself healthy and stable.If that means a short stay in the hospital,or even long term then that's what you need to do.If you think you need a different therapist,then find one(didn't you say you were seeing a specialist now?).If you need different medication then you need to speak with your treatment provider about it.If you need to change your living arrangements,then do it.If you need to get a job,then get one.If you find it's too hard then talk to your employer about accomodations.

You say your therapist can't help you,but are you putting your all into therapy,do you work on things on your own in between sessions,reading self help books,doing workbooks,taking things you learn from your T and putting them into practice?Do you go into sessions with specific issues you want to work on and actually work on them?Or do you just go to sessions,sit there and expect to be fixed without putting in the time and effort that you should be?Like right now,having suicidal thoughts,have you talked about them and learned things you can do to help yourself when they happen and actually tried them?If you haven't,don't you think you need to go to your next session and talk about it,ask ways you can help yourself?Have you worked on managing your depression and anxiety?Self esteem?There's so much you could be working on,what type of sessions do you have?Do you just talk or do you work on things?I used to go in and say things like "today I would like to talk about my anxiety at work" and I would talk about it,ask about things I could try that would help,and then I would try them at work and then talk about it during the next session,tell what helped,what didn't,come up with new things,etc.Do you do things like that?

I don't think this therapist has done anything harmful to you,I think maybe she has tried,and is trying to help you.Have you talked to her about this?Have you told her you think she's made you worse?Do you work with her as a team,have you talked about what you would like to gain from therapy with her,if she thinks you're giving your all,in what ways you can make it more effective?

What things can YOU do in order to help yourself?Wallowing in self pity is not the way to go.You need to just decide you're going to begin making changes and start right where you are,take some kind of first step,even if it's just the decision to talk about all of this next session.Just take a step in the right direction and move from there.

I'm really sorry you're still feeling so crappy btw,but besides going to your session tomorrow,what do you need to do at this moment to help yourself? Go to the hospital?Journal?Go for a walk?Do something creative?Listen to music?Think of something that will help for now then do it.

I'm sorry for everything you are going through! Please go to A&E or tell your therapist how you are feeling! You might be surprised at what they can do for you! You obviously need some extra help right now. Please get some! Hugs

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time Elevatedsoul. If you really do feel in danger, please go to the hospital. There's nothing anyone here on PC can do for you.

When you feel a little safer and want to keep interacting with the community here on PC, I think some of your problems might get more answers in the other forums such as depression, psychotherapy and relationships, and communication. I think everyone here feels for you but might not feel they're able to reply and help because a lot of your questions are less to do with dissociative disorders.

i don't know what i want to be told... maybe that im not in a nightmare... and that things can, will get better...

i've been trying so hard, but it doesn't seem to be making much difference you know...
they said try, step outside your comfort zone, cry, feel, listen, do, and i am, but nothing is changing and everything seems to be spiraling out of control and getting worse...

its like they said these things and i was like "OK" i opened my eyes and saw how bad it is... NOW what? im sitting here feeling all this crap with no answers and scared to death... how can i possibly fix ALL this...? im utterly overwhelmed... dreadfully alone... and the pain grows... i didnt know it could get worse, i didnt know... im scared and dont want to face it anymore, i want to close my eyes and wish it away... go away... just go away... why did i have to open my eyes... why did i ever wake up...?
i dont think i was ready... how could i of been ready... look at me...

i wish someone could swoop in and fix it all, that would be great... but i know thats not gonna happen... else it would of already happened...
ive been trying to take responsibility for everything... even things that are not my fault, things that i have no power over... i just wish i didnt have to face this ugly world alone... someones warm hand to hold would make me so much stronger in this cold cold world...
i just dont see how any length of stay in the hospital is going to solve any of my problems though... how could it? they are so much deeper than just me feeling down... its my life, my life is royally ****ed up... hospital cant fix that... i need a job, i need money, i need a place to live away from these people... i need friends... i need love... i need tranquility... peace... these are things i need... i've tried medications... hospital... rehab... those bandaids just dont seem to help at all... you know...?
maybe im just looking at it wrong... please if i am tell me... if those things can help i need to know how... because i've been trying and i need to beable to hold onto some form of hope...
hope... what a funny word...

ive been talking to them weekly about my medications... they are annoyed with me... they said that the meds im on should be working... just like my last psychiatrist... but medications just dont work for me.... i am immune to stupid medications... i hate medications...

i went to therapy today... talked to her about finding a new therapist... she said she will see me one more time to discuss what i have found out about finding a new therapist... and to discuss if we should continue seeing each other because shes not sure its helping me to continue seeing her... since we've been seeing each other for so long she said something like we've hit sort of like a ceiling on our treatment together or something...

she just keeps telling me that i need to get away from my family... i need to get out of this house because they are keeping me down... not that i can never see them... just that they are not helping things....

ive tried really hard with this therapist... its just i go in to talk to her and we talk... but i guess i dissociate with her because i dont recall much of what we discuss... i dunno what it is i do, i just do it all the time with everyone... so doing work she tells me to do is difficult when i have a difficult time recalling what we discuss... my mind just goes blank... i dont live on this world, i hate this planet... god i hate this planet...

i signed a paper for her to do the thing with the department of rehabilitation service? or whatever it was called.. to try to help me find a job but that probably will take years too but whatever... thats all i remember doing with her today... she saying i need to leave my family again, signing the job paper thing, and then going to foodlion with my dad and coming home...

im really depressed...

i dunnno what kind of sessions we have... i think we just talk...?
thinking about it i dont think i like our therapy sessions very much... i mean i like her, but i dont think i like the therapy... does that make sense...? i dont think its good for me... she said again that she thinks i have borderline traits today, i just remembered

she's not a specialist or anything, but she is really nice... but my mental health is really... like... these are dangerous grounds...

i dont think she has harmed me either... its just that i've become really unstable... its not her fault... im just really volatile... sorry... i just wish i could blame someone maybe... maybe that would make me feel better ya know...? someone to be pissed off at...? direct something towards other than myself... so much hatred...

i just dont know what to do anymore... ive used up everything i have to get to this point... i dunno what to do anymore... im out of all ideas... im in a great deal of pain.... it hurts.... and im so alone...

i want to change, i want to get better, i want to be OK i want to be happy, i want everything to be GOOD!
i just feel like i have tried everything..... i dont know what else to do.... im scared there is nothing else that i can do.... maybe there is no getting better for me....
maybe they cant help me...

or maybe i just need to fire all of them... and go to an entire new clinic... new everything... its just i cant afford anything else.... so i feel trapped.... and stuck with this... and its just not good enough... and its going to end up killing me.....

i feel so sick.... why does it hurt so much....

so much hatred.....

i only posted here because of the world i live in feels so underwater...
im drowning and no one can hear me...
my mind is stuck in a place that i cant recover it from... and i dont know if anyone can really understand me or what i mean...

i dont think i belong anywhere... i just thought this world might would understand most...

sorry....

elevated Soul I'm going to be honest and a bit blunt here... i know you have been waiting for people to reply to your posts and I am probably one of them because you look to me for my support and information on dissociative disorders, and i try to be there for you...

I have been purposely not posting any more information on dissociative disorders because i know part of this struggle you are having is because of all the research you have been doing on dissociative problems. its better that you get your questions answered by your treatment providers.

I have also been purposely not posting or reading your posts and threads, i rarely read your posts/ threads anymore because they do tug at my heart and i would love to help you but my help isnt what you need.

i cant fix you, I cant make you stop drinking, I cant make you stop self injuring, I cant make you stop doing drugs, I cant make you stay in therapy, I cant make you follow your treatment plans, I cant make you accept the help of your treatment providers referring you to a specialist and accept your treatment providers help in getting your SSI.

What I do see in your posts is someone who has help available to them...

you have posted your case manager and therapist are helping you get your SSI
you have posted your case manager and therapist are helping you to get referred to a specialist
you have posted about going inpatient to get free of the drugs, alcohol and got your new diagnosis's

I also see in your posts that

you have chosen to throw away your inpatient work by going back to drinking and doing drugs
you have chosen to drop out of therapy and not be referred to a specialist

and I see in your posts that you say you need our help because you are in so much pain, suicidal, self injuring, doing drugs and alcohol. Im sorry as a psych central member I cant help with any of this. Psych central is not a therapy group, where members can work on helping each other not do drugs and alcohol (a great group for this is AA ) help each other not be suicidal or self injuring or in mental pain (thats called inpatient care or a therapist off the computers job)

I think of psych central like getting together with a friend over coffee in a stabucks restaurant. we tell jokes, share a bit about our lives and problems but each person is responsible for making their own life to be what they want it to be.

my point is I cant help you in the ways that you are looking for help, and making a guess here I dont think anyone on psych central is going to be able to give you the kind of help that you are looking for.

from reading your past posts I can see you already know how and what you need to do in order for you to get better and have a better life. its up to you whether or not you choose to do drugs, alcohol, self injure or suicide. whether or not you choose to continue with getting your SSI and a specialist, or whether you get in touch with your treatment providers who can help you with these things.

all we can do here is read your posts and protect our own hearts when needed and accept that there is a limit to how much we can help each other here.

Why apologize for posting?Nobody's saying don't post.It's just that posting here in dissociative disorders all the time isn't as helpful as posting in depression,coping with emotions,ptsd,survivors of abuse,etc.would be.

It's just like what I was saying about therapy,working on specific issues.When you're depressed,wouldn't it be better to post in the depression forum,share what you're feeling,ask questions,ask for advice,tips to cope rather than just complaing about how miserable you are and how bad your life sucks in this forum?Talking about your T in the psychotherapy forum would be more helpful than just complaining here.That's what all the different forums are for,there's a wide variety of forums and just about every issue is included.

I think you would feel more helped and supported if you posted in different forums for specific issues you have.Look at all the different issues you mentioned just in this thread,maybe try breaking them down into specific issues and post in the appropriate forums.Or if venting helps you,add that to the title of your threads or maybe even start a blog?

its difficult for me to separate whats going on inside of me...
i used to post in the depression forum, i dont know why i started posting here...?
i cant remember... as usual...

i dont mean to complain.. im just hurting so badly and dont want to be alone...
i've tried to deal with this alone for so long, i cant do it alone anymore .. and im not trying to be like.. attention seeking or anything... you know what i mean?
im really not... i dont like attention... at all... but my soul cries for someone to hold me right now...

im just really depressed right now... im trying to fight it....

i got phone numbers to places nearby that accept my insurance... for therapy and psychiatry... hopefully i can find out something from them tomorrow... and get away from this clinic soon...

hopefully i can find some kind of way to make an income soon...

hope... what is hope though...
im so tired... why must things be like this...? i just want to be happy, im a simple guy...
not complicated at all... why must i carry so much pain you know..? but the pain dissipates... and goes inside... and it waits, and waits... and waits... i can be fine, until something triggers pandoras box... and then all of the crates come falling down... why does it work like that...? and i have to work... and work... and work.... to clean up this mess... just to put the crates together again... yet again... in a more fragile state... so that they might be knocked down again... to another future event... that may not be as severe... but there are more because of everything i go through during the cleanup process... does that make any sense...

im so... emotionally unstable... and it gets worse each time because each time it hurts more... and because each time i have to convince myself that i wont let it happen again... and my confidence is broken each time... and ... on and on and on... its happening quicker and quicker, more frequently, more volatile, just more...

i feel like im in really bad trouble and dont really know what to do anymore...

im falling apart... im really depressed...

ill try to use the other boards more... i really cant remember why i started posting here in the first place... thanks...

Thank you for this important reminder amandalouise.

case manager said today that she can help me get with those rehabilitation people to do some type of job training stuff but they want to see stability and that im ready for it, which apparently no one seems to think i am...

and apparently i need to find some sort of patience and practice patience...
its just that i've been patient for so long and im tired of being patient, tired of waiting...

and apparently this place we called today has a specialist that can see me, they are supposed to call me sometime to set up an appointment or something... i just think that its a male therapist and im not very comfortable seeing a male for various reasons... which is scary...

and my case manager says i need to just stay sober and ignore the anxiety and hope the medication does something for my anxiety, that they dont want to do anything with my meds, not even put me back on the cymbalta at the moment... which wouldnt hurt not one thing... since its gotten worse since they took me off the abilify and cymbalta....

i've been really irritable all day... not even 1 cigarette today so yay...

i've been thinking about how using these forums may be affecting my mental health...
1 it may be a place to vent... thats good right? 2... maybe a place to embarrass myself and cause confusion... so im just torn whether i should truly stop visiting here or not...

i kind of want to just go into my fantasy world and live a way where nothing is wrong, because i could do it... but would it be healthy...? or worth it...? or would i end up hurting myself...? or ending up in jail....? losing myself...? like... my mind fragments... and i wouldnt be the same person... am i willing to lose the last bit of who i was, do i even want to hold onto that person?
a big part of me screams no, i don't ... because that person is afraid, but there are many qualities, kindness, innocence, about it, that i value... and i know they are dieing... i grieve and hurt for the loss and dont know what will be born; dont know what to expect or if i will like what comes...
part of me feels like its too late anyway, that its going to happen anyway, and maybe thats why i feel like i am fighting a losing battle... but another part feels like it can win and go back to the way things were, safe... predictable...
at the same time another part doesnt want that; wanting something new and fresh, exciting...

im at an important part of this life... of course its going to be scary and confusing right...?

just trying to figure things out.... feeling very impatient...

i got my gabapentin refilled today... took only 3 of them, which is more than im supposed to but atleast not 5 of them ..

but i feel so much better... how can i talk her into increasing the dose of the gabapentin without her thinking im abusing them and taking them away from me?

i gotta get these medications straight or else ...

gabapentin helps alot, just 300 mg isnt high enough dose you know?