Identity and Acceptance

Since being diagnosed with DID and starting treatment, one thing that I've really struggled with is the acceptance of DID. It's not that I don't believe that I have it, but I experience almost no co-consciousness and the biggest symptoms I'm aware that I struggle with is a lot of daily dissociation (especially depersonalation and derealization), and occasional lost time. Most of what I've learned about the alters are through my therapist or girlfriend. I am only able to communicate with them occasionally and for the most part aren't aware of them.

I don't doubt that I'm diagnosed properly, but it's hard for me to easily accept it when it feels as though all I have is the word of others. There are other signs and symptoms and I do know that the others are there, but there's a huge disconnect between knowing, and actively experiencing it.

Furthermore, the biggest struggle in the process of me learning to accept and acknowledge the others is that I have never once felt like we are all part of one. No matter how much I read up on DID, and am told by the treatment team that we are all one on some level, I don't experience it that way. I understand and even accept the concept, but it's purely a concept to me. It's like knowing what our solar system is, but it's only a concept that I've learned through text and pictures, not something I can experience directly. Because of this, no matter how hard I try, I can't see us as being one, and whenever I read in the DID literature that "they're all part of you" there's just a huge disconnect.

I WANT to feel that way sooner, and I keep drilling myself that if I know this to be true, why can't I believe it. I want to progress in treatment and I know that this acceptance will help further that process, but I simply do not feel that way and cannot force myself to feel that way. It's frustrating because everything feels like it's taking so long and while I understand this is going to be a long process, I feel stuck and it's driving me a bit batty.

I've always been very good at separating my cognitive thought process and my emotions naturally, much more than others. I know for most people they go together more than they'd like to admit, but for me, it's totally disconnected, and this is a case where I can cognitively know something and work through it repeatedly, but it hasn't changed the way I experience yet.

Any thoughts, comments or input is very welcome.

i also have a hard time when i am told they are all me, parts of me, etc. i mean, they feel so separate and unlike me and are not just me at different ages. there is more to it than that. it is hard to see them as 'just' different me's when they are their own individual.

i don't have ongoing communication with mine but have co-consciousness with some or a blending/mixing where i can feel they are around, but they don't necessarily talk to me. i can feel their feelings and sometimes hear their thoughts, but it isn't like they have conversations with me. if i can hear what they think, it can be random parts of a sentence i don't get all of or at random times which then makes me wonder if it was them or if i am just tired and it wasn't really.

when i don't feel any around for a while, i start to doubt they are real because i feel like they shouldn't just disappear like that for long periods of time...except when they are active, i then believe in them again. it is not fair for me to think that they aren't real though because i don't think it helps them to trust me. i don't mean to, but it is hard sometimes.

it has been a slow process for me. i am still trying to learn patience and trying to just go with things and not put so much pressure on myself (and the others) to have things happen how i think they should since it doesn't work on my terms, it works on theirs. so i also have to learn to trust them, and eventually they give me more information or clues to things it seems.

Some of my parts really don't want to be told they're part of me. They are not me, that is why we are separate. Even with co consciousness, the idea that we are one is only a concept related to dwelling in the same body, and that this body as a whole has experienced a unified past. If I start push the idea that they are all me, they get offended.

Some part of me understands that we are all part of one but the other parts of me are nowhere near ready to go there yet. Most of my parts are still very separate.
I too have only been diagnosed fairly recently and I don't have much coconsciouness but i have begun to get some with a couple of parts. I like it much better than not knowing anything. At my last therapy appointment I was very very triggered and my therapist said I was constantly switching with no part staying out for very long. my therapist said one part kept coming out and yelling its not true!! Its all a lie!! I remember some of it but it is very fragmented and choppy. Times like that I find it much easier to accept the diagnosis. When I'm at work I am perfectly normal and fine and just want to live a normal life.

Amyjay, I relate to "when I'm at work I'm perfectly normal and just want to live a normal life."

I hope that it get's much better for you....it has to be sickening to take it on faith what other people are telling you about yourself or yourselves. I imagine it's much like people telling me about the things that I've done that I have no memory of ever doing....sickening, frightening, not believing because if I do....I get sickly scared.

For us...being somewhat co-conscious...we have a group think tank...a way for us to process and to deal with moment to moment daily life.

I think for us knowing that we are multiple....there is an over all system wide feeling of being an oddity and a longing for the impossible: singularity- to be our own persons...that is each of us wants to be our own self....not a conglomeration of everyone else.

I'm sure you have...but have you tried journaling? A way to talk to your Others? Maybe putting pen to paper can open up an inner dialogue with self so that you don't solely rely on word of mouth?....just a thought.

Good luck and keep us posted sweets.

I really identified with this paragraph. I am a very intelligent person who is well read and probably over-educated. So I get the fact that the paradigm insists that we are all one person but, like you, don't experience it that way. Fortunately, my treatment team is committed to honoring my experience of reality.

I told my T that since I understood that we were all one cognitively, I would appreciate her describing DID as it pertains to me/us as 'one' or 'parts of a whole' - as a way to reinforce this reality. She expressed her discomfort at doing so but agreed. That lasted a week. In an extremely rare move for me, I went back the next week and told her that I had changed my mind. My little began experiencing a great deal of distress over this new framework and her distress is my distress - not in a 'we are one' kind of way, but in a 'someone I love is hurting' kind of way.

So, now we are back to honoring our experience and the disconnect is gone. Incidentally, it is that particular little's birthday today and if I didn't take a moment to point that out....I would expect a little more distress. Cake and ice cream tonight.

Why?

Perhaps for you personally, this is true, but I reject this as a blanket statement for all with DID. I also reject it as an automatic for you. You may be right of course, you and your treatment providers know you and I don't, but there is not a one size fits all treatment plan.

For instance, my treatment team does not believe that integration is the right goal for us. They have shared that in most cases they have dealt with, integration IS the goal, but not with me. Why? Their explanation consists of the following reasons:

1. We are stable and have been for many years.
2. We are high functioning.
3. We are, in their words, more than the sum of our parts.

Twenty miles in, twenty miles out. You've been DID for how long? Not the diagnosis, but actually having it? This is a well established reality for you and you want to replace it. It's going to take time. Probably a lot of time.

My T tells me that I show an enormous capacity for utilizing both parts of my brain and she is right, but I always lead with my left. It is extremely compartmentalized, but I'm at home on either side. There is never any doubt for me, and it sounds like you too, which side of the brain is having an idea.

*nods* I am reluctant to share my spiritual ideas here but it is germane to this comment. I saw my therapist about fourteen hours ago and we discussed something similar. I believe, wholeheartedly and without reservation, that we are all one. Not just me and my alters/parts but the world.

Though not a Christian myself but knowing that she is, I framed it as 'the body of Christ'. Though spiritually I absolutely believe that all sentient beings are connected and One, I rarely experience it that way though I have had individual moments where I see, feel and experience that Oneness. We discussed how DID has actually given me a framework in which I can touch the concept of the many being One that spiritually minded singletons can only dream of.

The experience of having DID has enriched my spiritual life. It's allowed me to sit with a homeless person and (yes, really) heads of state and (again, really) Hollywood A-listers and the like and see them as parts of the same whole. It's not consistent, and sometimes to be honest, I'm saddened and even shamed by my lack of consistency for something I know to be true. But then I brush it off - I'm human. I do my best and so do my alters - individually and together.

If I were to give any advice, and I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'd say that you are right where you are suppose to be. Enjoy the view where you are at because it'll change.

Just want to say this thread provokes a lot of thought and I'm getting a lot out of everyone's posts.

I feel that I'm in a very similar place, where I'm trying to learn the patience required and to not put pressure on myself. Furthermore, the way you've described your interactions with the others of believing in them and not is spot on.

Thanks a lot for this. It's actually really nice to hear that someone else has this experience. The specialists I work with are used to people who are a little further along and sometimes it feels invalidating, even though I know they don't mean to be.

For years I worked, being perfectly normal on the outside and had a fairly normal life. I was only to keep that up by being in active denial and shutting everyone out as much as possible. It actually really worked but now I understand that's not a long-term solution.

One of my therapists has described me going through something similar; I've had a few therapy sessions where we did get extremely triggered, and it seems that there is someone who isn't aware of the others at all and seems a bit stuck in the past.

Thank you for your input!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDragon View Post
I WANT to feel that way sooner, and I keep drilling myself that if I know this to be true, why can't I believe it.
Why?

I understand on some level the faster I can fully accept everything, the faster I can get further in treatment. I can't really move to the next step until I'm fully able to accept it.

Perhaps for you personally, this is true, but I reject this as a blanket statement for all with DID. I also reject it as an automatic for you. You may be right of course, you and your treatment providers know you and I don't, but there is not a one size fits all treatment plan.

For instance, my treatment team does not believe that integration is the right goal for us. They have shared that in most cases they have dealt with, integration IS the goal, but not with me. Why? Their explanation consists of the following reasons:

1. We are stable and have been for many years.
2. We are high functioning.
3. We are, in their words, more than the sum of our parts.

I absolutely agree that this isn't a blanket statement that's true for everyone diagnosed with DID, but I do know that on some level I'm actively denying what's going on because it was a survival instinct for me for a while, at it does make it counter productive for my treatment.

Neither I or my treatment team is expecting me to work towards integration, because I'm very resistant to the idea, but more than anything, I'm so disconnected from the others that without truly knowing them or communicating with them, there's no point planning what is the best past that.

I definitely believe that I am more than the "sum of my parts." It's something I strongly feel about, but I'm starting to realize that it doesn't mean I can't get to know the others, especially if they can provide useful information in therapy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDragon View Post
...but I simply do not feel that way and cannot force myself to feel that way. It's frustrating because everything feels like it's taking so long and while I understand this is going to be a long process, I feel stuck and it's driving me a bit batty.

Twenty miles in, twenty miles out. You've been DID for how long? Not the diagnosis, but actually having it? This is a well established reality for you and you want to replace it. It's going to take time. Probably a lot of time.

You're right. This is the reality as I've always experienced it, and that's why trying to change it is hard. I shouldn't expect to be able to just change what is real to me, but I do kind of wish I could as needed.

I really identified with this paragraph. I am a very intelligent person who is well read and probably over-educated. So I get the fact that the paradigm insists that we are all one person but, like you, don't experience it that way. Fortunately, my treatment team is committed to honoring my experience of reality.

I told my T that since I understood that we were all one cognitively, I would appreciate her describing DID as it pertains to me/us as 'one' or 'parts of a whole' - as a way to reinforce this reality. She expressed her discomfort at doing so but agreed. That lasted a week. In an extremely rare move for me, I went back the next week and told her that I had changed my mind. My little began experiencing a great deal of distress over this new framework and her distress is my distress - not in a 'we are one' kind of way, but in a 'someone I love is hurting' kind of way.

So, now we are back to honoring our experience and the disconnect is gone. Incidentally, it is that particular little's birthday today and if I didn't take a moment to point that out....I would expect a little more distress. Cake and ice cream tonight.

You're dead on - That IS the current paradigm and with good reason, based on all the modern research that has been done. It makes sense to me and like you, I totally understand it cognitively, but yeah, I don't EXPERIENCE it that way. My team is pretty good about validating my experiences, but sometimes because they work off of the understood paradigm it can feel frustrating to me even after they've acknowledged my experience. I guess on some level, I wish I could read more research that's able to acknowledge and guide those in our position, where we understand, but don't experience it as such, and how to deal with that. All the literature just seems to be focused on initially resistance and acceptance, but not in great detail and certainly not from my point of view.

I want to eventually learn to have the compassion and empathy you have for your alters. I don't even care about fully changing my experience as much as being able to be where you are with your alters.

Also, happy birthday to the little one celebrating

If I were to give any advice, and I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'd say that you are right where you are suppose to be. Enjoy the view where you are at because it'll change.

Your advice is very welcome and your post was very helpful. While I don't feel this way, this is basically what everyone I trust has been telling me, so it's nice to hear that reinforced here. I've always been highly critical and not easily complacent, so it'll take a while for me to learn to be more accepting of this entire experience of treatment, instead of trying to rush it.

This has definitely been a great thread and I'm so grateful for everyone's input. You should add to it when you feel like it!

This. I had almost seven "normal" years. I still go back to shutting them out and active denial. The others have pointed out this is my knee jerk way of dealing with stress and it's the number one way I screw with the system. It used to work on some level but now it just prolongs pain--cycles of depression, anxiety, somatic pain... We can't let that happen now that we are aware of one another and learning to help each other. Some of them get on my case about it, while others are so used to being ignored they just stew in rejection. This has been my hardest battle in therapy and through the week, I guess because sometimes I just want to go back to thinking of myself as not having any issues to deal with. I'm really glad for this forum because it is helping me to learn how to accept this new and very different "normal."