[elevatedsoul]

is it dissociation when you find yourself lost in your mind..?

i am unable to control the gates to the innerworld that exists within... if that makes sense..
losing myself being absorbed into thought, or a dream state, or... a conversation in my mind... or.. whatever it is that happens...

i never really realize it happening.. but usually notice it unhappening... because i have zoned out and been lost in a world unknown to those surrounding me for a time... but i often continue participating in the real world, multitasking throughout, which confundles my memories and im unable to remember anything of what happened from inside or outside just being zonked and confused and hurting because i just feel broken like i cant function like a normal person...

im trying to learn to accept myself for who i am and what i am but i am still deeply ashamed and want to run away from everyone that knows me and find people like me to be accepted and treated like normal...


im working hard to make really much needed changes in everything so i am stressed on many levels... but trying to be perseverent...

[elevatedsoul]

maybe i have gone over this before and asked already...
but i can't remember..

and i know a lot of my problems probably are due to mental illness and stem from my traumatic experience...

but you see i am having another "awakening" experience, if you will...
and feeling like there is something more going on...

i don't know how to word it because the world is not very accepting of such things or thoughts and i dont want to just be shot down with such a thought because something is happening indeed but what i don't know...

occultism is really stigmatized and people fear the unknown so i just keep most of it to myself usually... and out of respect for other peoples beliefs i dont talk about religious stuff...

i just simply can't tell if i am being manipulated from an external force, fed upon by a hungry entity, being led to a destination by a positive force, confused by my own minds misconceptions, overwhelmed by lifes challenges, possessed, day dreaming, sleep walking, losing my mind, already dead, in hell, or any of the other

im just trying to understand if i am just having deep thought... uncontrollably... or if it is part of dissociating in me.. or if there is something more going on that i need to address...

i know the generic response is to speak to the treatment providers about it, and i have... they just try to break down dissociation in some way they see it which really just confuses me more because it sounds like they dont really understand it either and it doesnt really answer my experience with it...

it is so hard, i am trying to find myself in this place that i don't know very well...
i keep having these lapses into the unknown and sometimes i almost wish i wouldn't come back because i have to keep experiencing this... experiencing feeling alone, not being able to understand my existence, explain what i experience or feel, and much more...

[Shazerac]

i don't really have any answers. Only questions. Have you tried seeking some kind of spiritual guidance? Doesn't have to be a mainstream religion. Although sometimes pastors, shamans, or priests are more open to the idea that our brains are not just a random collection of chemicals.

[elevatedsoul]

The last time I went into a church many years ago they pretty much dragged me up to the altar along with other ppl that had went willingly I told them I was just wanting to listen but they would not leave me alone and the experience that ensued was unpleasant after kneeling and closing my eyes just wishing it all to be over and being surrounded by those people hearing their whispers my body started to vibrate and my heart started to palpitate... They claim that demons have control over my life and I detest such...

I'm no longer Christian and just don't trust the large majority of them...

I have been keeping my eyes open for a spiritual medium but I live in the country so things are distant...

Doing a lot of research and what I can on my own as usual... A lonely soul..

[Shazerac]

Oh good grief, that shouldn't have happened to you you don't have demons, you're just looking for answers.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah... i can't do anything or go anywhere without someone trying to push christianity on me...

i am not prejudice and respect other peoples choices in belief but it doesnt seem they have the same respect for me...

i am eclectic pagan for the time being... i am just growing and learning...
a truth seeker, seeking the divine spark within myself and the universe...

i am just absorbed into thought though and dont seem to exist on a material aspect very much...

maybe its because i dont really want to be here... in this world... realm.. or where ever i am..

trying so hard to get out, but not able to leave for various reasons
so trying even harder on a physical aspect to make change...
which is difficult when you arent all the way "here"...

i just am starting to feel like if i could leave this place; the family, living with my dad; i would have much more power to make change...

i dont know why it is like i am trapped here, these type of thought "vortexes" that begin in my mind create suicidal type desires...
to just drop the body completely and give it up

i just feel so misunderstood and don't think anyone will ever really get it...

how my brain works...

[junkDNA]

I'm stuck in my head 23 hours out of the 24 in a day. My mind and my thoughts are so loud it's hard to focus on anything else . I struggle with it a lot especially right now

[ReptileInYourHead]

If you are a truth seeker then no wonder you are elsewhere, the truths you are looking for do not exist in the outside world, only in the depths of your beautiful mind.
Truth seeking is a tricky business, I gave up a few years ago.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah... it is true that the truth is elusive... not on its own accord but because "TPTB" (the powers that be) dont want it falling into just everyones hands...

i have found many truths... but discerning THE TRUTH is more difficult...

opening your mind up to the many worlds of knowledge can be quite dangerous... to even a healthy mind...

i have just had such a life that has me at a constant crossroads, im trying to remain vigilant this time... but its really hard.. im constantly being triggered, falling into trances, losing control of my self in a way that im still trying to find words to explain... because these feelings seem to block me from using words to describe the sensations or emotions involved.. or maybe im just not "bright" enough to put it into coherent words...

one thing i know is that i grow weary of it all
the more tired of it i become the stronger the feeling becomes, maybe because i fight less .. feeling as if my fight against it is futile any how as no one seems to understand...

then ontop of it i have the beliefs that i have which are "eccentric" or "far out there" ..
many people struggle with physics and philosophy anyway.. so maybe i am just going insane truly...

[L.P.]

Hm. Dunno. It could be dissociation or something else. I am a person prone to getting sucked up in their own head. I struggle to know if my living in my head stuff is dissociation related or maybe it's my autism or some weird compulsive day dreaming, my brain trying to tell me something... I have no clue.

I'm not a religious person these days... almost athiest here who happens to like the principia discordia and the tao teh ching. It has not always been this way with me though. I got into some pagan stuff some years ago. I'm married to a wiccan priest (I never was a wiccan though) so I feel compelled to ask if you have done anything to try to find out if it is something outside your head trying to impact you. I'm not suggesting poking things with a stick or anything.. I was thinking shielding though. Not sure if you do that or even believe in it, but that could be worked to let good in and keep bad out. That way if it is external, it will only be of the wanted variety. It might be helpful.. it might be stuff you already do and I'm talking for no good reason at all. Eh. Figured why not since it was in my head...

Not sure if this is how it works for you or not, but a lot of my lost in the head times (I call it head trippin) tend to get worse when things in my life are not so great. Totally stress related for me. Sometimes I have gotten a push to change life situations from it... like that stuff was the final kick in the backside I needed at that time to do x y or z. It can be a positive. Sometimes I do nothing from it except get an escape from a reality i want to hit with a baseball bat. I guess that's at least something... a break is a break and sometimes they are needed to keep the bat out of my hand. Then other times that stuff gets me, and it won't let go. Then it is a problem. If I don't function in my life because I am living in head... yeah. Not okay for me.

I mention that since you mentioned getting triggered and wanting to move, being able to make changes... being able to be understood. I'm not trying to dismiss what you have going on as simply stress... but if you are a person who believes in something out there, some universal force or however you choose to define it, maybe that thing that connects all of us, is in us, through us, around us, is trying to give you a nudge that it is time to promote positive and needed changes in your universe. Maybe change is coming. I dunno.

Hm. I'm thinking I using a lot of words to not say much at all. I'll hush up and meander off now. But first... good to see you again and hope this finds you well

-V

[elevatedsoul]

i am going through a lot...

really stressed...

need change... can't find it...

treatment providers trying to go in the wrong direction...

not giving me the proper ears...

i want to just run away...

but i with what support...?

with what money...? food? shelter?

not possible...

my living space is just not ok...

i am stressing so much to make change and seemingly making no progress...

with treatment providers going in the wrong direction...

ugh...

[elevatedsoul]

speaking of protection from external sources...

i have felt incoming presences... i am incapable of discerning good and bad currently...

just feeling a pressure in the mind, in the ear.. on one side or the other... and then a high pitched ringing that mutes sounds out... into my mind...

im unaware of what the purpose is... but i have read that it may be "mind scanning"

since i was born i was gifted if you will with energy...
having premonition dreams... or creation dreams...
i would grind my teeth in my sleep since childhood...
my mom said i would even sit up in the bed and speak in strange languages...
but that could of been randomness i suppose...

i have a great deal of sleep problems...
as a child i would wake up and sit up the room would be spinning...
or i would feel to be floating...

i believe myself to be surrounded by something and want to find a medium or psychic that can see what i cant see to help me with these things... but i have yet been able to...

i sometimes feel as if there are things fighting over me, but who would do such a thing..

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( elevatedsoul )))))))))))

[elevatedsoul]

Dissociation deadens verbal ventilation
It is important to differentiate verbal ventilation from dissociative flights of fantasy or
obsessive bouts of unproductive worrying.
Dissociation is a defense that children develop to distract mad protect themselves from the overwhelming pain of their abandonment. They have to dissociate because they are not able, as unsupported children, to effectively grieve or even allow their pain into awareness.

There are two common types of dissociation in Complex PTSD: right-brain dissociation and left-brain dissociation.
Right brain dissociation can be seen as classical dissociation, and as the defense most common to freeze types [see my article on “The Four F’s: A Trauma Typology”.] It is the right brain process of numbing out against intense feeling or incessant inner critic attack.
Dissociation is a process of distraction...of getting lost in fantasy, fogginess, TV, tiredness or sleep. Verbally reporting from a place of self-distraction is in fact the opposite of verbal ventilation. Getting lost in daydream-like descriptions of improbable salvation fantasies
or in the recounting of long elaborate dreams devoid of emotional content and serious introspection are examples of this.

Left-brain dissociation is obsessiveness. Commonly, this ranges in severity from repetitively cycling through a laundry list of worries to panicky drasticizing and catastrophizing. An obsessive defense against internal pain strands us in unhelpful perseverations about issues that are minimally related or unrelated to the true nature of our suffering. Here is an example of this. I can complain incessantly about the bad weather or the unfairness of the rising cost of movie tickets to distract myself from the fact that my partner’s constructive feedback is continuously flashing me back into the fear and shame I felt when my mother verbally abused me at the kitchen table.
Left-brain dissociation can also be a process of trivialization – avoiding upsetting inner
experience by over-focusing on superficial concerns. Becoming overly preoccupied with sports statistics or the lives of Hollywood celebrities are common examples of this; this is, of course, not to deny that such interests are in themselves worthwhile when they are engaged non-defensively and in moderation.
Finally, left brain dissociation can also be seen in intellectualization. This is
what the novelist, Ian McEwan called the “high-walled fortress of focused thinking”. Some survivors over-rely on rationalization and lofty dialogue to protect them from the potentially messy and painful world of feeling. Even the highest levels of creative thinking deteriorate into an obsessive defense when they are excessively engaged.



http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/GrievingAndComplexPTSD.pdf