today I saw the name of a

Possible trigger:

passed on relative on some paperwork

but it was written like he was still alive and the fact he died hadn't registered with the staff

spent most of the morning shaking

[Claritytoo]

I have found that if I don't have a daily responsibility I switch in what seems like moment to moment. Parts in control who don't usually function in the world. So than we stop going out and talking to anyone. Even now I just want to hide in a corner. sometimes I want to cry but I don't know why. Recently my panic attacks have increased but I think its because we don't have a direction. I recently adopted a small dog. My other dog died over a year ago. I think of him a lot. Having Molly has helped me focus and has helped us to be a little organized about who is in charge. I just now realized how much my jobs and volunteer work kept me focused and functional over the years. Without a responsibility I have nothing to focus on and loose track of who I am. another thing I noticed is many of myselves have gotten quiter. I am not sure why. I know my protector is here and some littleones. They help me. But some of the others are very quite are very far back. I don't know why. I am being told its because I don't need them now. I am still confused about this. Also my memory is shot. I think others are out and forget to pass out on the information I need to function in world. I used to have someone who would keep us all informed but he's taking a break now that I am aware of being parts. Some of us talk with each other but now all of us.

I have just finished a very enjoyable (and filling) pizza.

peperoni from dominos

[*Beth*]

I'm rethinking dissociation. Suddenly, after how many years(???) I'm viewing it as a gift, a coping mechanism. Not something I do that's wrong.

I showered today

I didn't play with the water or anything though... in too much pain. was just glad to get out

feel kind of ashamed.

my overeating yesterday got so bad. apart from the obvious choice to have a takeout (mcdonalds), before and after I just ate and ate junk

and made myself sick with melted chocolate

feel generally depressed, anyway

I'm in agony with my fibro, and

Possible trigger:

I just don't want to be here anyway

[Breaking Dawn]

I've been talking with my abusive voices & possibly am getting through to them, but I have to wait & see.

I've spent the day (or most of it anyway) overeating

blah

[stahrgeyzer]

Been dissociated a lot which helps numb pain but not good for driving.

Just kinda sad that Calya hasn't fronted in long time. Only co-fronting. Lot of confronters. I'm frontstuck & don't like it.

we all want a fuzzly

like abby hatcher has on her show

[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling a lot better lately, and maybe even happy to be frontstuck. An alter, one of the littles fronted for a short while a few days ago. It saddens me I don't really know my system, who they are except for a few things they tell me. I don't even know what they are, or what to think about them. Sometimes I treat them like they're real people. Sometimes I don't. I lash out, pushing them away, saying they're aren't real and to stop talking to me. I think most of them are mad at me and just exhausted from this rollercoaster ride. They call me a persecutor.

[ReveuseTroublee]

wtf and ??? can't decide but that is how I feel mostly about myself lately...

I wish I could hide away forever.
I am so embarrassed of myself.
Why do I talk about these things? Nobody will understand anyway.

[Breaking Dawn]

I've been dissociated most of the time lately. But I have had some hours of sleep that I really needed for a long time. I need to go to the store today. I hope I can manage ok.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I have this issue where I start writing about things I later on feel completely embarrassed about and can't agree on. I feel so ashamed right now.
Crying won't help me now either.
Usually I laugh this time I feel more like crying.
Also I can't delete it anymore so yeah I won't be able to edit it either.
Has anybody else these issues? I feel very alone right now with everything.

[ReveuseTroublee]

...
..
.

[ReveuseTroublee]

.....
..
...

[ReveuseTroublee]

I think my ED is making my symptoms worse...

[ReveuseTroublee]

I am starting to get tired of this. I feel so dysfunctional and useless right now. I tried everything. Why can't I just snap out of this?

[Breaking Dawn]

It's pretty difficult a lot of the time, but I'm functioning well enough at the moment.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I think it is getting better. I am glad. It felt like it would never end.
No idea why it was so extreme this time... I am just happy that it is improving...

[Breaking Dawn]

I feel like more than one person at the moment. Part of me is extremely dissociated right now. Part of me is very much here & observing, as an outsider. I'm constantly analizing. My voices keep changing the way they are. Sometimes they're nice to me & we enjoy music & conversation & maybe a tv program once in a while. Then suddenly things become painful & cruel. At this moment, as I am writing this, I'm feeling very sad. I know I'll feel better later, so I hold on, & I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. So I'm saying to myself, I'm ok, or I will be later.

easter isn't too bad.
apart from my back is ****ing killing me (I hate you fibro!), I have had some easter eggs, did an easter quiz and the weather's been okay too

[ReveuseTroublee]

I have an appointment soon... And I have been collecting notes and stuff about what has been going on and I am really scared and because sometimes my memory issues and in general get so severe and my cognitive functions feel like getting lost that I feel like I am going dumb.
I am just scared I am influenced or I will get influenced if that makes sense? I feel like finally things could fall into place.
I stopped a diagnosis hunt - nothing fits 100% (which is normal) but I have been diagnosed with so much by now and nothing makes sense and nobody knows what's wrong that this is like my last straw. I am struggling to name my symptoms and I feel fine now but I know it won't last... Well, I don't know for sure but I can't imagine to suddenly get cured of everything. Which brings me back to the thesis that I am faking... Everything is fluctuating more or less... Especially my symptoms...
I don't trust my own perception anymore...
I just want to get better of course even if the diagnosis would be hurtful like a narcissistic personality disorder or facitious disorder whatever I would take it if I am just getting better, I don't mind being called attention-seeking, lazy whatever. I don't feel like any of this is the case but I would at this point not care anymore - I just want to get better even if it meant going through hell. I already have been to my personal hell.
Nobody can hurt me more than I ever did.
I was abusing and destroying myself. Self-harm is not enough for what I did. Self-abuse is what I did to my body and maybe also my mind.
Anyways the online test showed I had dementia... xD And yeah I sometimes feel exactly like this. I literally lose my mind. I already feel like I lost another few months of my life. I mean they must have been ****** so that I don't remember anything apart from a few chunks which are of course blurred but at least I have a vague idea... Better than nothing... Or some inflammation/a tumor in my brain.
But nothing is physically wrong with me...
I decided to attend therapy and hand in the notes I thunk are complete non-sense and also tell my psychiatrist that I think I am just making it up...
And then go into therapy and just make sure I am doing okay and getting along with life.
I am also tempted to just say 'I discovered some stuff about myself I wish I did not' - and if he asks tell him or show him the notes (I will write down everything again because a lot of stuff is typed out) or hard to read...
I would not do this if I was functional enough but when I can't study or do well in my studies that is when it is okay for me to talk about this stuff, then it is bad enough.
I am so little aware of everything. It is hard.
But I need to go into therapy to prevent a repetition of 2020 with more mental hospital stays then I can count.
And I need to take on responsibility for everything.
Even if it does not feel like anything of this is related to me or happened to me.
Sorry that this turned out so long...
Just no idea where to write this...
Not even sure wether I do belong here/am allowed to write on this board. Maybe someone has some helpful advice for me.
I hope you all have a good day! ♡

[Breaking Dawn]

It was better for a good part of the day yesterday. It seemed like a healthy break, although I was very tired & I didn't fulfill any of my goals. Then later in the day, things turned bad, & I woke up this morning to the same thing. I'm still crying. Some parts of my brain are very cruel & they know how to hurt me with physical pain, among other ways. I use over the counter meds for the pain, which helps. But my spirit feels battered & so hurt. I wish they could go away & let me get well. I keep hoping for a miracle & for my life to be good again.