[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling much better but I know this is only part of an endless up and down cycle. Btw it feels weird talking to yourself and extremely awkward writing to yourself in public. Does one ever get used to DID? I still struggle accepting it.

[Breaking Dawn]

@stahrgeyzer, I admit it's a tough road, but we have so much in our potential! You are very smart. You will succeed! Endure this painful place & come out winning!
I really do understand! Let's wish the best for us?

[stahrgeyzer]

I feel like a robot lately, very numb. It allows one to work almost non-stop.

[SprinkL3]

My alters and I were bad recently. We posted something we shouldn't have.

An admin corrected it though.

We still feel bad.

[stahrgeyzer]

This will probably make me sound like a kook ... but today was an indescribable day. On my usual daily long walk today I saw this person standing about 10 feet from me. His appearance shocked me because he looked so perfect, beyond human. Like, too perfect. And his facial features we're very uncommon. I can't recall ever seeing a human being looking like him. It was almost as if he was made in the highest tech factory.

Anyhow, he was looking directly at me, just standing there in an empty parking lot as I walked by on the sidewalk. He had his left hand up by his face. I didn't pay attention, but I think he had a few fingers pointing. He was definitely making some gesture, but for the 4 to 5 seconds that I looked at him I was focused on his flawless unique face and what I can only describe as an intense gut-feeling/knowing. So after walking past him for about 70 feet I had the strong desire to look back. A building was in the way, so I couldn't see him, but I could see his shadow, and he was walking away from the sidewalk, which makes me think he walked over to the sidewalk to look at me. This has nothing to do with physical attraction/chemistry. It's just that he seemed so pure and perfect, not only in appearance, but in an indescribable soul type of way. Maybe a better way of describing him is to say he was an adult male, but had the skin of a newborn baby, or perhaps even more perfect. Even his cloths looked interesting. They were an unusual vivid sky blue and I think some white stripes. I know this sounds crazy, but the thought that came to mind when I saw him was a Star person.

It gets better. So later on today for some reason I decided to work on my theoretical physics project. I don't want to say exactly what the device is that I'm working on, but you could say it has something to do with a certain part on a starship that's required for humanity to travel amongst the stars. The craziest part is that about an hour ago I made a major breakthrough. The math works out. Now it's just a matter of saving up money to one day build it, and hope it works.


Okay, sorry if this post is too far out there. Only at MSF would I feel comfortable writing about this lol.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

This will probably make me sound like a kook ... but today was an indescribable day. On my usual daily long walk today I saw this person standing about 10 feet from me. His appearance shocked me because he looked so perfect, beyond human. Like, too perfect. And his facial features we're very uncommon. I can't recall ever seeing a human being looking like him. It was almost as if he was made in the highest tech factory.

Anyhow, he was looking directly at me, just standing there in an empty parking lot as I walked by on the sidewalk. He had his left hand up by his face. I didn't pay attention, but I think he had a few fingers pointing. He was definitely making some gesture, but for the 4 to 5 seconds that I looked at him I was focused on his flawless unique face and what I can only describe as an intense gut-feeling/knowing. So after walking past him for about 70 feet I had the strong desire to look back. A building was in the way, so I couldn't see him, but I could see his shadow, and he was walking away from the sidewalk, which makes me think he walked over to the sidewalk to look at me. This has nothing to do with physical attraction/chemistry. It's just that he seemed so pure and perfect, not only in appearance, but in an indescribable soul type of way. Maybe a better way of describing him is to say he was an adult male, but had the skin of a newborn baby, or perhaps even more perfect. Even his cloths looked interesting. They were an unusual this vivid sky blue and I think some white stripes. I know this sounds crazy, but the thought that came to mind when I saw him was a Star person.

Maybe he was an angel or a really kind extraterrestrial. I tend to have these "magical thoughts," in hopes that there are higher powers to guide us humans/earthlings. Then again, maybe he was just a beautiful human/earthling.

It gets better. So later on today for some reason I decided to work on my theoretical physics project. I don't want to say exactly what the device is that I'm working on, but you could say it has something to do with a certain part on a starship that's required for humanity to travel amongst the stars. The craziest part is that about an hour ago I made a major breakthrough. The math works out. Now it's just a matter of saving up money to one day build it, and hope it works.

Okay, sorry if this post is too far out there. Only at MSF would I feel comfortable writing about this lol.

You sound really intelligent, and I hope your theoretical physics project works out well. Given the new Space Force and all that NASA is doing these days with protecting Planet Earth from asteroids or comets or whatever they are called, it would be cool to see some new inventions.

I wish I knew physics, chemistry, and biology. I only know a little about biology, but nothing about physics or chemistry. If I had a do-over in life, I would so study all the hard sciences and computer sciences and totally major in the interdisciplinary and/or multidisciplinary arts to create some cool things, too.

[stahrgeyzer]

@SprinkL3
Sure he could have been an angel. Either way it gives me hope for the future. Maybe humanity really is being watched.

I can hardly wait to walk by there again tomorrow. The place he stood almost feels like holy ground now, but that's probably a bit to religious/spiritual. If there are such pure beings who will one day freely walk amongst humans, I hope we don't start worshiping them. Everyone can be pure. Humanity is just kind of a bit stuck in the mud now, but one day we'll rise, I hope!

You seem like a very detailed and intelligent type of person who could make a great scientist if you wanted. Science can be wonderful if in the hands of good people, but sometimes I fear for our future. I just hope everything turns out good when people start traveling and living in starships and other planets. I fear we'll take war with us, which is why it's so important to help humanity let go of their aggression and accept everyone with open arms.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

@SprinkL3
Sure he could have been an angel. Either way it gives me hope for the future. Maybe humanity really is being watched.

I can hardly wait to walk by there again tomorrow. The place he stood almost feels like holy ground now, but that's probably a bit to religious/spiritual. If there are such pure beings who will one day freely walk amongst humans, I hope we don't start worshiping them. Everyone can be pure. Humanity is just kind of a bit stuck in the mud now, but one day we'll rise, I hope!

You seem like a very detailed and intelligent type of person who could make a great scientist if you wanted. Science can be wonderful if in the hands of good people, but sometimes I fear for our future. I just hope everything turns out good when people start traveling and living in starships and other planets. I fear we'll take war with us, which is why it's so important to help humanity let go of their aggression and accept everyone with open arms.

- Perhaps that's why we have a Space Force now.

As it is, there's a lot of manmade junk floating around in space that might need cleaning up. I wouldn't be surprised if certain countries might be claiming space-based territories for their stuff.

I really want people to stop going on about, I'm spending christmas with family, I'm going round a friends, I'm going to have lots of gifts and a big party

woop dee doo. I'm spending christmas alone, with no gifts and no party. sooo

[stahrgeyzer]

@raging vortex I hope things will be okay for you. Not sure what the solution is but a few things help me, but everyone's different. I just find ways to naturally numb myself. Thinking like a robot, even to the point of saying I'm a robot. Robots don't feel pain.

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm getting so sick and tired of these endless cycles that make me do way too much SI. They happen at least once a week. Therapy didn't help. Meds made more numb but really didn't help. My hope is that something bad enough will help push me over the edge, a cliff.

Feel like lately a lot of parts are co-fronting especially Little Paul / Paulie and a HAL. HAL says he's the holder of all the early childhood memories. He's a robot from Arthur C. Clarke's Space Odyssey movie, HAL 9000. Two years ago HAL gave me an early childhood memory because I begged him to. He gave me the memory, visually, which my psychiatrist said caused me a 20 minute long NES, non-epileptic seizure. It's okay, it would be helpful to know all memories.


Paul/Paulie/HAL

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

@raging vortex I hope things will be okay for you. Not sure what the solution is but a few things help me, but everyone's different. I just find ways to naturally numb myself. Thinking like a robot, even to the point of saying I'm a robot. Robots don't feel pain.

Sometimes we felt that way, too. I think we felt feelings for Data and Spock. We kind of wished we were like them - like robots or robotic-like.

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

@raging vortex I hope things will be okay for you. Not sure what the solution is but a few things help me, but everyone's different. I just find ways to naturally numb myself. Thinking like a robot, even to the point of saying I'm a robot. Robots don't feel pain.

don't bother watching out, don't bother to beware don't bother getting excited because their's nothing their

santa isn't coming to town..

[SprinkL3]

@raging vortex - I'm so sorry you are struggling with loneliness. There's a phenomenon called FOMO ("fear of missing out"), which is what increases both anxiety and depression among social media when you are surrounded by hearing positive things that you aren't included in. There are recent studies about that. I knew a grad student whose research was about that very thing, in addition to other traumas and eating disorders among college students and maybe teen foster children. I've lost touch with her, but I learned a little bit about her research and how the very things you mention can increase depression for some people.

Before social media, we weren't constantly flooded with selfies and cheery people; we could retreat home or choose what to hear on the radio or television. We could still call crisis lines, and we could attend in-person support groups. There seemed to be more of them back in the day. The advent of the World Wide Web brought on an entirely different lifestyle, as did this pandemic. More and more people are online now, which makes it even more challenging for us who are perpetually lonely.

I once had a horrible T who told me that at least I had my alters. We may have one another, but we're all lonely. We want to know people in life, in addition to just us. And maybe we are here because of all the CEN (childhood emotional neglect) we experienced overall, where we had to learn to care for ourselves and to deal with loneliness. Even movies like Cast Away reveal how another "person" is there (in that movie's case, it was "Wilson," the ball) to keep us company when we are utterly alone for hours on end. But that movie was about an adult. As children, we perhaps dissociated into different parts because of our loneliness, in addition to our traumas. We were rejected, abandoned, hurt, neglected, abused. This might be a lot to take in, so hopefully we aren't triggering you. But we wanted to share this with you to validate your feelings and pain.

We hope we can all find way to spend some time online here for Christmas. We know it is painful. We don't have to do Christmas things if it is too painful. I posted in the Games section a thread from Z-A on Backwards Christmas stuff with an anti-hero kind of theme (like you present naughty and nice together). It's a way of venting but having fun while "un-celebrating" the holidays, LOL. It's kind of sappy, but the idea just popped in our head.

We like to hear your thoughts on stuff. It helps us cope sometimes because then we know we aren't the only ones struggling like that, too.

[stahrgeyzer]

I think reality just a fake evil sickness. Why support it?

[Breaking Dawn]

It's very hard. I wish, & I plan, & I let myself down, over & over again. I keep trying. I'm trying again today. I'm wishing. And I'm deeply sorry for everything all of you are going through! I'll be wishing for you, too!

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

It's very hard. I wish, & I plan, & I let myself down, over & over again. I keep trying. I'm trying again today. I'm wishing. And I'm deeply sorry for everything all of you are going through! I'll be wishing for you, too!

((( safe hugs @ Breaking Dawn )))

I'm so sorry you are struggling, too! Thank you for wishing us well, even as you yourself are struggling.

I let myself down a lot, too. I'm dealing with a ton of issues at the moment. I'm prediabetic, so it's hard for me to let go of the sweets. I'm OCD, but I can't seem to get out of the apartment to walk during the day, or stop washing my hands so frequently. I freak out over everything. But, like my T says, just one tiny step at a time - and to celebrate the little victories. So, that's what I'm trying to do. It's hard though. I make many mistakes along the way.

[stahrgeyzer]

I just watched the movie Amelia 2.0. I forgot that most people want to live and love life so much. That seems so foreign and unfathomable to me. It makes me wonder if it's possible for people like me to be like that. Until then, life is just a living nightmare.

I didn't do anything today.

was meant to put up the rest of my christmas decorations, but you know.... didn't,.

I have so little drive to get anything done

[stahrgeyzer]

I swear I'm stuck in some lucid dream or simulation and there's an overseer who continuously pushes me to the brink with one bad situation after the next, and then just when I'm about to permanently snap and honestly find the nearest tall cliff things just magically become all peachy and nice as if everything's fine and dandy.

A lot of people in modern spirituality say earth is a school. If true, then I think it's the most barbaric inefficient evil way of teaching living beings. I'll take modern school approach of making everything known, not hiding behind the scene. Sometimes I think we're all in a Big Brain as alters living in a lucid dream type reality, and most of us just aren't aware we're alters. I told that to my DID neuropsychologist and he found that to be very interesting.

I'm done rambling/venting but still not okay. It's not okay to torture people for the sake of learning! BTW headline news says the first omicron covid case was just detected here in California.

[SprinkL3]

We had a nightmare today. We're so tired, and we only slept 3 hours.

The nightmare was about death. It was horrible.

We have an alter named "Brains." He helps us to think when it is foggy for us.

Life is living hell; I think it's just cognitive dissonance talking when people suggest that life is like school. I've even said it, admittedly, which helps to cope with reality in a different way. But what if we are just lying to ourselves? What if life is really hellish, dangerous, corrupt, and what if things were meant to be better? It would mean that we deserve justice we never got, that people are responsible (but not us), and that the pain of being a victim in this cruel world is all the more real. --That reality hits home as I process some (not all) traumas, and deal with the grieving process one little bit at a time.

[stahrgeyzer]

Sometimes just feel like I'm losing my mind. A few weeks ago I removed a rug that was glued/taped onto the hardwood floor here in my airbnb room, which left four long streaks of glue stuff that was difficult to remove. After spending hours removing two of the streaks I decided to leave the other two for another day. This morning I wake up and they're gone except for a leftover two inch section. Did I hallucinate the whole thing or did a part/alter get tired of it and remove it? Nobody left notes on the pad of paper, as usual.

Only thing worse than DID is when you're an unwanted isolated part!

[stahrgeyzer]

Forgot the part how the neighboring airbnb has permanent drug addicts and dealers who decided to have an entire night yelling and fighting with each other. Even physical violence. I always wondered how they could stay up the entire night nearly every nibht talking at 1000 mph. They usually go for 5 or more hours where two of them talking loud to each other non-stop. They're probably taking speed. Wish I would have video recorded it and showed it to my T to see if it's real or if I'm just hallucinating.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Forgot the part how the neighboring airbnb has permanent drug addicts and dealers who decided to have an entire night yelling and fighting with each other. Even physical violence. I always wondered how they could stay up the entire night nearly every nibht talking at 1000 mph. They usually go for 5 or more hours where two of them talking loud to each other non-stop. They're probably taking speed. Wish I would have video recorded it and showed it to my T to see if it's real or if I'm just hallucinating.

Why are you in an Airbnb? Are you okay?

I have those dissociative moments when things get moved around and I forgot that one of my parts told me they moved it for our protection or something else. That doesn't happen as much with me, but it does on occasion.

[Breaking Dawn]

I wake up to things that have been done all the time. If I have parts or alters, they never talk to me. I have voices all day long every day, but all of them claim that they don't know anything about these mysterious things being done. By the way, while I was typing this, they were yelling at me. Just now they're arguing with each other.