why

why do we did-types even go to therapy when it seems never ending... and there's so many layers, and triggers, and things happen when those get messed with.

my t stumbled on the major censoring unit of the system and it has really *&%^$ messed wth the whole for the whole friggin week. I'm tired of this - i don't even want to go back!!! Not because of her - she couldn't have known... but i don't want to deal any more. i don't want to "pay" for it when the system decides it was my fault! i'm the one who takes the brunt of it.

im so sorry things are hard right now, Kiya. You have my support. Thinking of you.

ty ev. i almost canceled my t appnt. but she called me first to make sure i was coming.

I am so sorry..... for your pain....I feel it myself....for you... for me....for all the DIDer's.....

to answer your question.... though... is hard for me.. "THE WHY"....

I ended up calling my T... and going back into therapy....

my T... agreed to transition my son to another therapist... and my son agreed with it...

sharing my T... was disrubtive to my "system"...

so I too... took the "brunt"...from my "system".....

so... the "why" therapy...for me... it helps me cope.. with the great huge amount of pain within me... so that it doesn't "ooze" out in ways that I don't want it too... kinda... helps "contain" the pain...

I searched for this T.... about 14 months ago... because I knew.. I needed long term therapy... the kind they call "case management" around here...

I decided... at that time.... that my "goal"..... was not integration... that it was to make my life as comfortable as possible...

and... I reminded my T.... recently... when I went back... that was the "GOAL"..... not integration... which causes me disrubtion....to my "system"....

sooo... I am not sure.... that I am in "DID".... therapy.... but I am in "pain management".....therapy..

free- that makes a lot of sense. i opsted around here somewhere that my new t accidently tripped on the censoring mechanism within and threw the whole system in to upheaval complete with a major depressive episode and SI and the whole bit (lasted only 4 days, but still). So day 5 i can say i'm back to where i was post mess up. but starting to wonder if "DID therapy" like you say, is possible or even realistic. "pain management" or case management makes more sense. i kind of feel like t is trying to put out a huge oil-burning fire with water and creating more little fires... or even not dealing with the extra little fires; anxiety, depression, panic attacks... and maybe those are what she should focus on instead of DID. i need to tell her that. when i first met her she said to me "Kiya, I really think I can help you". I wonder if she "bit off more than she can chew" with me.

Free - i am glad you got your t back and got your son to see someone else. =) that seems like a step forward... so does the resetting of the goals.
hugs, kiya

I am so sorry... I haven't been reading the other forums ....and was unaware of the total... disrubtion of your "system"..

You know I care deeply about you... and all fellow DIDer's...

I am so very proud of you.... that you are able to bring your "system" back together... it is not an easy task...

It sounds like the last few days have been really horrible for you.. and I am so sorry.....

I have been there too.. and know the the pain... and the disruption.. and just the everything that goes with such an event...

Yes... for me... I made the decsion... when I began with this T... that I wanted "case management"... "pain management"... and that was IT...

My previous T... could not ....... DID... in any shape or form... she was not equiped.... so for 4 years with her... it was constant disrubtion of my "system"... you see she did not believe in DID... I went to her.. because it was what I could afford... at the time... no insurance.. and a sliding fee....

I have been in therapy for 23 years... yes a very long time... but. thru divorce.. and child rearing.. and just the up's and down's of managing a child.. a demanding career... parents that had abused me... an ex-husband that abused me.. and continued to threaten my life...... thru... life... gave me the support I needed.. to "perform"... as I now call it..I didn't have anyone else in my life for support.. my T was always.. the only one...

To be a good parent... to take care of my parents... not ever for me.. but so that I could be "there" for other people... be their care takers..

Now... is for... me.... because for the first time in my life... I want to not "take care of someone"..... I have been my Mom's.. caretaker from probably... always.....until her death.. about 4 years ago...

So... when I searched out this therapist.. I was specific... he is very good... he has worked with DID.. and for a long time...

BUT... and here is the big BUT....

When I started.. I told him... what I wanted... and somehow... thru these months... we strayed in therapy.. either thru my alters or thru him.. I am not sure... or maybe the combo...

So...I have reminded... alters and him... the goal of therapy... the "case management"....to learn to live life... within the parameters of what I have.... what skills I have... that I do not want to climb Mt Everest.... that I do not want my "system" disrubted again...

My pdoc.. I see every 6 weeks... and have seen him for about 7 years... I spelled out what I wanted from him... too... that I was done.. trying to be.. what I could not be...

That it was OK... to not go back to my former career... that I did not want to... try.. and try... and try... to do that..

That I wanted to take what was on... my skill plate today... and figure a life out from that...

where before... I would say... I want to do XYZ... and then try to change to do that... and the XYZ - was simliar to climbing Mt Everest.... impossible.. almost..

sorting thru all the layers... was MT Everest ... to me...and I don't want to do this.. and I am firm... that my T.. and I stick to this...

my friend of 27 years... thru the past couple of months... has finally changed her viewpoint.... she now accepts me.. for me... she accepts... what I can do... rather that what she expects that I should be able to do... she does not know about the DID.. though she knows about the rest of my life...

so... this is just my opinion... my viewpoint of what I want from thearpy....

for all other DIDer's... no therapy... or... DID therapy... is OK...

I think it is a very individual choice..... very individual...

I think it depends.. on many factores... how many supportive people you have in life around you... finances.... what you want in life... at what stage you are in your life cycle...

all of the above and more... factor into the whole therapy... thing.....

so please all DIDer's here... I am just sharing my thoughts... and my feelings with you...

just to share..... nothing more.... these are very personal feelings.. that I choose to share... because I know you all care....

thanks for sharing all that free. (((( free )))))
Kiya

((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))

I so understand the upsets with the protective parts of the brain. It can be so hard and scary. I'm glad you went to your next appt though. I do think things can get better, though periodically I do go through the thought process of wondering if it will, and how long it will take.

Personally, for me, I don't think I will live to see the entire healing process. But, I do think that by continuing with my therapist, I can live better and am living better than I was before I started therapy.

Recently my therapist said that when I first started going to her, she did not realize just how much stuff we had to plow through (We are so good at hiding and keeping secrets). On top of that, my living situation is still often precarious. But though we all have so much on our plates, I do believe things can get better if we have the desire for it to get better.

Often my capability is not where I want it to be, but I do desire for things to be different.

It doesn't matter so much to me anymore (today anyway- that could change tomorrow lol) if the barriers are all down or if I have full integration or even if I get memories (well, actually, I've never really wanted to get memories ). I do think it's part of the healing process but I think all of that will come as I deal with living today and learn new ways to live with today.

Hang in there Kiya. One day at a time.

(((( hugs )))) Yes... so much you said... right on target for me...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
wanttoheal said:
Recently my therapist said that when I first started going to her, she did not realize just how much stuff we had to plow through (We are so good at hiding and keeping secrets). On top of that, my living situation is still often precarious. But though we all have so much on our plates, I do believe things can get better if we have the desire for it to get better.

Often my capability is not where I want it to be, but I do desire for things to be different.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Everything changes daily; capabilities, desires, abilities to understand what i'm dealing with, wanting to get through.
I think my t is also at that point now of just figuring out how much this is going to take. I also don't know if i'll see "full healing", but i really want to get there in the end. Get there before the end gets me, as it were. Somedays i do better at keeping up the struggle. Today i am resting and watching it from afar. tomorrow my outlook will probably be different.
thanks for the comments!
kiya