[mindsofmany]

I'm hoping someone understands what I'm going thru right now. I've been having constant flashbacks the last few days, almost constantly it seems like. I'm lucky my therapist lets me call him at home and that's the only thing that's keeping me going, but he's talking about hospitalization and that terrifies me. I've been in hospitals many times before, but I've never talked about my switching and all that until this therapist. And he told me that one of my alters is suicidal right now. I have absolutely no support outside of my therapist and I don't know what to do anymore, I can't stop the flashbacks and I'm switching so often lately I always feel disoriented.

Sorry if I'm rambling on here I'm just feeling very lost and afraid and hoping someone can relate and maybe give me some hope.

[Rich_B]

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling like this right now, often with this kind of thing there is no key no reason for you to be feeling this way it just kind of happens, I normaly find that it grows and grows to the point where I throw a hissy fit or end up in tears which is my release for the unhappiness inside of me.

Failing that the only way I find to achive a semblance of order is to centre on a single task that needs doing or maybe even one that does not. This with also slowing myself down as much as possible seems to set all the pieces back in the right places........Till the next time . Keep coming back in we are all rooting for you and will be till it passes.....Which it will.

[bipolar_bear]

I hope you are keeping in close contact with your t. I understand what you are going through and know how important support people are at these times. It is hard not being there all the time but maybe you can connect with the alter that is feeling suicidal. Please keep yourself safe and do whatever it takes to make sure that happens. Please know that there is hope and healing ahead of you. I am sorry things are so rough right now.

BB

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((mindsofmany))))))))))
I've been where you are and it hurts so much! I'm so sorry you are struggling with it right now. I'm so glad you have a T who is available to you. My T is like that as well. It helps to have someone like that in your life.

When I can, I try to keep in my mind that these times do pass if we can just hang on. Also remember, your parts were formed to survive so underneath all the stuff, you do want to survive.

Try to self talk when you're aware enough to. Flashbacks are so horrible but if you can, keep telling yourself that you have already lived through the experience and it's not happening now.

What I have been trying to do lately is self talk about how I know some thoughts are all about suicide right now, but that's because there were so many times that that option was my only one due to my circumstances. Now, I have a T who cares about me and wants me to succeed and thrive. You do too. Concentrate on that as you can. I keep thinking if I self talk, maybe other parts will hear eventually.

If you end up in hospital, try to remember that it's to help, not hurt.

Wow, these are mostly T words lol. Maybe I listen even when I don't.

Hang in there and PM me if you need to.

[mindsofmany]

Thank you for the replies all of you. No one in my life (not that I have anyone in my life right now) understands what I am going thru, what I have been going thru. Not sleeping, not really eating, switching half the time, flashbacks all the time, and despite all that it's the threat of hospitalization again that scares me the most. So thank you for listening and helping me feel that someone out there understands.

[Zorah]

(((((mindsofmany))))) we understand !!!!!

[Fragmented]

Mindsofmary,

I know what you mean about the flashbacks, I am having them all over the place. My t gave me xanax to slow them down so I can contain them better and it is helping. Not entirely but they have slowed down. Therapy for me unleashed them. Plus I have had affirmation of SA recently and that too has releashed more. In the shower, before sleep, drying my hair, anytime I let my guard down. And going to therapy too. I switched probably three times right before going into therapy and wound up fainting on T. Two much switching. I realized lately that another one came out at the of therapy to help be get through it. So 4 times that day. With two different ones. ONe is the dangerous one. She wants to do things I don't. The second one is the protector. Anyway, it was so much I had the worst headache for the rest of the day. But my t told me it would get like this and he is trying to help me through it. But he is opposed to hospital. I wonder why one is for one is not. Different views I guess.

I sometimes would welcome hosiptal as my family doesn't know. So I hide all this from them. My H and children don't know. My son suspects. It makes it so much harder. So I understand and while for me my T is my only support too many inside still don't like or think therapy is right. So the voices get so loud right before therapy.

I think talking to yourself during the switching as much as possible helps. I can do this better each time. Not always but better. At first I couldnt at all. So try to do it, it will get better. I sometimes can control the switching. But after the other day, I realized the bad one, as I call her had been out for days. I did not know. She is really dangerous. No suicide just bad bad things. I have to watch. I have to try to watch for her but she is sneaky. She buys stuff, she downloads stuff, she is something else.

Sorry I rambled just wanted you to know you aren't alone and we can try to help you and support you.

I think sometimes that only other DID's can truly understand because even T's don't always understand. My t who has alot of DID experience, I still get frustrated trying to talk about it to him. Vocalizing it is hard. Words sometimes just don't convey the right meaning you know. But I keep trying and you need too.

Hospitals I guess are scary, I have never been as I hide it really well even still.

Keep checking in here. Please keep hope in your mind. I think the one that wants to do the suicide thing is afraid somehow you might try to get rid of them. Keep assuring them you won't. That in talking to T everyone still has a place. You will keep them safe, and they will always be a part, sharing is the word I use. We share the space. When I did that the suicide thoughts went away.

fragmented <font color="#880000"> </font>

[mindsofmany]

fragmented,

Everything you said makes such complete sense... It's like you could practically be describing my life. I know for me I'm sure that therapy has brought out a lot of stuff as well as some other things that have happened in my life lately. I've had many other therapists and this is the first time one of them has known about the switching and actually talked to some of my alters, and that still really freaks me out. I don't know if you've ever been in a hospital or not, but it has been really bad for me, and I will do anything not to be hospitalized again. No one else in my life knows anything about most of this either, and that makes it so hard, doesn't it? When you T is your only support and you only see them once a week and maybe get to talk a few minutes on the phone in-between it's insane, just trying to survive from one visit to the next (at least that is what it feels like right now for me).
I think I'm rambling on sorry. Just one more thing...you mentioned trying to talk to myself while switching. Do you always know when you're going to switch? I think a lot of the time I do, but sometimes I suddenly realize that time has past or that I'm somewhere completely different and i must have switched without knowing it. (If anyone else has some input here please jump in--I'm trying to understand)

thanks and sorry if I went on a bit,
wolfsong