[iamtwilight]

I just got back from T. My pdoc said that my symptoms (blackouts, during which I act like a different person) are dissociative. And that to treat that, we are going to up the dose of Risperdal to 4 mg.

As far as I know, dissociative symptoms do not go away with medication. I've been on medication for ages, and I had this stuff long before I was on any kind of meds.

She knows all this.

I think it's pretty obvious it's DID, or at least some form of it. Well, maybe not obvious but if I was them, I would be suspicious and start investigating.

Am I missing something here? My EEG was ok. Should it have shown some type of activity? I didn't switch during it. I was protecting the younger ones because they were afraid of being electricuted to death. Should it have shown I was talking inside my head to the youngins?

Am I just psychotic, crazy, imagining all this?

"How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?"

Gee, I'm clueless. Please help. Even if it's just "Yes, you are crazy". It would make me feel better. I'm so clueless.

EDIT: thought this might be triggering -> added the icon.

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) No, you aren't crazy. Please discuss this with your T also. I'm unsure of why pdoc would increase dosage unless you are finding the dissociation totally disruptive to your life.

[onlymedid]

I agree, talk to your Pdoc. I know, unfortunately, there are a lot of T's and Pdocs who don't believe in DID. Sometimes it is difficult, but you should talk about it. If they don't believe or don't seem to believe, then I would try to find someone that does. Firstly, though, I would talk to them about it.

And NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!

BJ

[iamtwilight]

((( Sky, BJ ))) Thank you so much for the quick replies! Your support means a lot to me. I feel like I am going crazy in here, even if I'm not crazy after all.

I guess this is the reason I want clarification so badly - some validation for my feelings, and to prove me wrong, that I'm not psychotic anymore. That I, indeed, am not crazy.

I'm also quite unsure of why Risperdal has to be upped, sure, I'm anxious because I'm losing time, don't know what's happening, but Risperdal does practically nothing to me except worsen my physical condition, cannot enjoy sports (had a weird side effect which causes me to get very exhausted from physical activity, pdoc says Risperdal does not cause it though but it stops right away when I quit taking it), weight gain, etc..

It's been over a month since I told my T about losing time and being told that I had been acting weird around people. My pdoc told me that these might be psychotic symptoms, so I guess they are assuming it's psychosis.

I'm not sure how much they value my opinion since "I have lost contact with reality". Today when my T told my pdoc about me telling her about the weird side effect of Risperdal, she kinda laughed at it as if it was a good joke.

As for finding an another T, I don't know if I can do that right now (no finances, other T that I could have started seeing was probably an alcoholic and saw me as a fun game where I tell stuff and he focused on guessing my diagnosis, not on my recovery) and even if I could, there probably would be no sense in it because I may be moving to Sweden in September.

I guess, for now, I have to be stuck recovery wise. I now have access to my youngest alter's memories, and they are flooding, and even though I am satisfied that I have more puzzle pieces in place, it is painful because I do not know how to process these things.

But, if I think positive, I survived all that, I will survive this.

[(JD)]

You sound quite rational to me. Dissociation is not a psychosis. You do have a choice. If the medicine doesn't help with the dissociation, and only bogs you down, why take the increased dosage? You wouldn't be the first patient to have to heartily urge a doctor to stop and talk and understand them!

WHO laughed? The T or the pdoc? Either way it doesn't sound good to me, like you aren't being taken seriously. Don't buy into any idea that you aren't dissociative if you know you are (and instead "psychotic." ) I'm sorry you are in this place, but don't give up. Yes, you've weathered much worse, but I hope you get smooth sailing soon.

[serafim_etal]

I/we were on risperdol for a while...it did nothing at all for the dissociation...in fact...it may have made things a little worse.

As for the weird side-effect they are laughing off...are you the one who had trouble walking? If that was you...go to the drugs tab at the top of the page and find risperdol. Print the page out and hilight where it says notify your doctor if you have trouble walking! You can also do a google search and maybe find that on the drug manufacturers website...just make sure it is a reliable source before you print it out. It really concerns me that they are ignoring/laughing off a potentially serious side-effect!

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Katie)))))))))))))) Wow, I'm so sorry! Sounds like pdoc is not listening and is making decisions without hearing all the facts. Remember you have a choice as to whether or not you increase your meds. Weigh it out. If you feel it's not right for you, you have the right to make your own decisions.

You are definitely not crazy. Things are happening for a reason. Good luck with figuring it out Katie. Hang in there.

[Kiya]

that's what i was gonna say, too - it's your body, it's your choice. if those drugs do not help, don't take them. If you don't like the help you're getting, you don't have to see them. =( Each person reacts differently to meds. I have switched less while on Lexapro because it is making me less susseptable to triggers. I still switch but not as often per day. It is helping me work. I told my MD what dose i was ok at and she agrees with me - only i can know for sure- it's my body.

((((((((((((katie)))))))))))))) hope you're ok!!!

[PsyChris]

From a Psychiatric point of view Risperdal should help your disassociative symptoms. While DID was once considered rare, it is becoming slightly more common.

Disassociation is not consider a disorder by itself. It is more of a symptom.

Obviously there are some really personal questions that need to be asked to see if DID is your root diagnosis. Questions that aren't appropriate to ask here.

Your doctors are taking an epidemiological route in thinking that you have a more common cause to your disassociation--psychosis. The word psychosis sometimes invokes ideas of insanity. Psychosis can be severe or it can be subtle.

Give the Risperdal some time to work. If you are not improving hopefully your pdoc will explore some more options.

I don't feel he/she is isolating you. This is a standard practice in medicine to assume that the patient has the common vs the uncommon. Once he/she has ruled out the common he will look into the uncommon, like DID.

[iamtwilight]

Thanks so much everyone.

After reading PsyChris' post, I kind of understood why they were willing to up the dose of Risperdal.

I HAVE had psychosis before (actually I was still having some delusions in February 08), and we are still monitoring if it's going to strike back. I know dissociative symptoms can be present in psychosis, and I have had them while I was psychotic. So yeah, this is where they think it's going to start again.

Sooo... I guess I will not know whether I am crazy or not in a while.

[wanttoheal]

You're not crazy.

(((((((((((((((((((((Katie)))))))))))))))))



That reminds me of that song by Matchbox 20:
"I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see
A different side of me"

No matter what, you're not crazy Katie. I hope the medicine will help you. Hang in there.

[iamtwilight]

(((((wanttoheal)))))

Thank you. I love that song.

[iamtwilight]

Update!

Yesterday I asked T if I only have these dissociative symptoms and no hallucinations etc, does it mean that I'm psychotic? And T said that it may mean that I'm psychotic, but it can mean a myriad of other things.

For now we're still working on closing out the organic causes. Takes longer than I expected. But slowly, slowly...