[shame]

i am a little afraid right now because after years of T i finally uncovered myself and described all my separate parts to my T -
i am nervous and scared how T will react - i wanted T to know who was who and that i hid from T all this time because of all the fear inside of any part being hurt. i dont know all my parts but i know of them and i can hear them at times.. i want to hide .. i dont know if i really want to know her reaction. .feel cringy. .embarrased etc.
i was triggered heavily just before i did this by other things going on around me and i had to tell her. .it just came out ..in a short letter not to much detail with each part. i want to know if she is aware of these parts and has she seen them? i have to know. . often i dissociate and have no idea who is out and i loose time and memory when it happens.. it has ben hard to hold this secret (so to speak) but as hard as a secret is to hold is as hard as it is to break .. i am just scared right now .. that she wont believe us. doesnt really matter because i will be changing to another T soon anyway. it was hard to do this but for years we talked about all the enviromental surface stuff and always got in the way of the real deep issues .. trying for years not to get close to her.. i had a bad experience in the past where i trusted a T and hid nothing then one day she was gone and i had no one - so hurt inside my whole system was hurt. i went to this t because my pdoc wanted her to be my t.
sorry for rambling - just so anxious and nervous right now.
can any one relate?

[blue_roses]

(((((( Free1 ))))))

i'm sorry you are having such a tough time!

i'm not in therapy right now, but i have been lots of times before. i know how scary it can be. we just have to remind ourselves that the T's are there to help. right? and they don't want us to be scared.

you were very brave for telling T about your seperate parts. you should be proud of yourself!

take care!!

[shame]

thanks for your reply blue-roses -
i dont feel so brave though .. still have not heard from my T .. wondering now and kinda now mad at myself for revealing that to T
~ should have said nothing. now she may not speak to us anymore. for a little nstant i felt safe to tell her now i want to hide .
oh well she knows now. i hate the silence from t.
if i could erase it i would.

[blackbelt]

So was this an e-mail letter or just given to her? Maybe she iss just waiting until next session to talk to you more about it. She might even already know.

I know my T told me I had it and I didn't know.

Blackbelt

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
doesnt really matter because i will be changing to another T soon anyway.

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Have you shared why you say this?

You are healing. That's good. It's not easy.

[shame]

it was a email that i closed my eyes and just wrote it out ...and pushed ..send. i have known i have had this for a couple yrs before i met her from being diagnosed ..i tried hard hard hard not to let her know..i have no idea why i wanted to tell her. ...no idea i just did...
there is a part of me that is a tell all and needs to learn to be quiet and dont tell anyone .. was a dumb thing to do

[shame]

sky ..
have i shared why i shared this?
no. do i need a reason? i just wrote it - it happened shortly after being strongly triggered and i needed her to know that for that past few years have avoided telling her this. my pdoc assigned t to me .. i didnt choose , thinking of all the time was wasted talking about superficial crap that had nothing to do with what is realy going on inside me. . maybe i needed to tell her because i was afraid and needed her to know..??
healing ... not really. just getting to the point i can recognize and hear them and feel them .. but i dont even really know them.. they just exist inside .
i am pretty much isolated from the world and the pc is really the only place i can talk .. should i not do this? ..

[shame]

Sky on your question about "it doesnt really matter because i am getting a new t soon anyway"
i suppose that means it doesnt matter whether she knows now or not because in a few weeks i wont have her..and will have another.
maybe i just wanted her to know before she left..
it is difficult for me to trust any t really..
i mean .. why should they care anyway it is not like they are going to poof them away for us .. maybe we just should stay away from Ts
probably safer.

[wanttoheal]

Wow, so brave of you Free1!. I think it's wonderful that you felt safe enough with T to open up. My guess is that she already knows or at least suspects, but I bet she'll be really glad you were able to open up to her more.

Whether or not you stay with her, this experience is still making you stronger and I think it's awesome. On the other hand, I so totally understand your anxiety over it. I don't think you should just stay shut up though. That's what we were programmed to do. Don't tell! But it's not true.

My brain has an injunction on telling anyone anything. T and I get around it sometimes by writing or drawing because I wasn't told I couldn't write or draw it out. Even so, when T reads stuff and then says something about it out loud, my brain goes into overload.

It took me several years to trust that my T was safe. I understand how hard it is to trust. I'm glad you're posting here. It helps me to see that I'm not alone in how my brain handles things. I don't talk to anyone in my 3D world about this outside of T so it's nice to have a place like PC to come and see I'm not alone.

I hope you won't stop going to a T. For me, I think it's been very helpful having that support and someone with knowledge of what's going on with me.

Brava to you for telling. I hope you keep posting. Thank you so much for being so open with us. You're helping a lot of people by letting us know what goes on for you.

[shame]

Wanttoheal
thanks for your reply .. but i dont understand why everyone is calling me brave? i am not brave maybe testing the water to see if i can come out and make a quick appearance then hide. but thanks for thinking i am brave.
i did not hear from her all day i think she is mad at me and i should have not done that..i dont think she believes me.. i have to just keep everyone safe and not let anyone out again..if only i knew how to do that.
i dont think i will ever tell any t again. they hurt.
you sound like you all handle things pretty well.
gaining trust is hard.
i just need to know that my t and my next t believe me or i will never get anywhere.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((Free1)))))))))))))) Can you call her and see if she got your email, or email and ask if she received your last one? I know that wait is hard. I hope you hear from her soon.

[blue_roses]

we are calling you brave because you are. it's easy to not share and to stay safely hidden. it's brave to share what you feel and what you are going through!

i agree with you. i think this might be a testing of the water for you since you know you'll be leaving this T for a new one soon. and that's wonderful!! nothing wrong with that.

i think sharing our feelings takes practice. this is a practice run for you sharing about your different parts knowing you aren't going to have to go into any real detail because you are leaving this T. nothing wrong with that!

lol...you mentioned wasting time in an earlier post. talking about mundane stuff that didn't really matter with your T. when i was a teenager, i spent two years not saying ANYTHING!!! bless this T's heart. he tried everything to get me to talk. but i just couldn't!

therapy's not easy! but you've done good with this one. you've put yourself out there. the waiting will be difficult. but keep posting here and i'm sure you'll find the support you need during the waiting!!!!

take care!

[shame]

way to scared to call ..already cringing at the though she may actually reply to my letter truthfully.....wish i could go back and erase it ...just a little frantic ..its like when you hit ...send .... you want to reach in the pc and pull it out and get rid of it.

[shame]

blue-roses
ok maybe i was brave for maybe an hour ...while writing it out.
it may never happen again..i dont know ..
anyway .. it is all yellow ..nothing i can do now about it.

yea i agree with the talking around everything but what is really going on and then the 50 minutes is up and you leave with all these selves upset that you did not ..again ..share them with her.

[blue_roses]

brave for an hour is still being brave!

and it's ok to be nervous now! but i'm sure things will be ok.

when is your next appointment with your T?

waiting is hard. but we'll wait with you!

[shame]

it will be next week..
thanks for the support .. omg i so dont want to do this .. look at her i mean ..might go in sit down and squeeze my eyes shut ..i dont think i want to hear what she says

[blue_roses]

lol...well that's one approach!! i can picture you sitting down in her office with your eyes squeezed shut and your fingers stuffed in your ears and your humming a tune to drown out her voice!

i have a doctor appointment next week too. it's just with my regular doctor cuz i'm not in therapy right now. but he's the one that prescribes my meds. i don wanna go!!!

granted my appointment won't be quite as nerve racking as yours, but we can be miserable together while we wait for our appointments!

[shame]

yeah you got it ...
hope you appointment goes well also ..
thanks for being here.

[shame]

[blue_roses]

how ya doing Free1?

i've been sick with a tummy ache!

i'm going to visit my 2 best friends this weekend. so i won't be online till prolly sunday night.

but i'll be thinking about you! and will check back in with you sunday night or monday!

take care!!!

[shame]

blue - roses
sorry you are not feeling good .. hope you feel better soon!
i am just blah ...i had something happen today that triggered me into years back .. very strange .. was talking to my sister when it happened and she had to use a loud voice to bring me back..was as it usually is .. scarey. she didnt know about what happened but it shook me up.

have a nice weekend

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((Free1)))))))))))) That's scary. For me, it's so confusing to come back to someone talking to me. I tend to do a lot of tap dancing until I figure out what the conversation is about. Sometimes I get words in my head to give clues but a lot of times I have to fake it until I figure it out. Sometimes people just think I'm not very intelligent. Sometimes they think I'm being rude. I'm thankful for the ones like your sister who maybe think I drifted and for the ones who don't even notice.

[blue_roses]

i'm back

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Free1 said:
i am just blah ...i had something happen today that triggered me into years back .. very strange .. was talking to my sister when it happened and she had to use a loud voice to bring me back..was as it usually is .. scarey. she didnt know about what happened but it shook me up.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

sorry to hear you had an icky moment! feeling better?

i had a good weekend. friends and family did lots of nice stuff for me (for my b-day). just wish i could enjoy it more!

ugh...so now i just wait till my doctor appointment on thursday! waiting sux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how are you holding up?

[shame]

wanttoheal~
yea i agree it is a little awkward when that happens .. concentration is just oblivious when it does happen .. i find it hard to hear words when it does ..sometimes i can see their lips moving but i cant hear what they are saying..very weird feeling.

[shame]

Happy Birthday blue-roses!
Wish you could have enjoyed it more however ((blue-roses))
My appointment is this week too - same day.
i am ok .. just keeping busy. . just having alot of switchyness (is that a word?) trying to keep quiet and stay away from triggering stuff.