[___Shadow___]

Alright so today, I finally find out I just can’t do anger, nor negativity really. Both set me out of tune with reality. I finally felt my self-leave over and over again for two days, and each time was because of anger, anyone else find this is your Totally Major Trigger??
I was in a fight, sort of with a store lady, she said a lot of mean things but I only could hold on to a very few words or sentences. When it was my time to repeat what she said to make a point, I couldn’t do it, and used the old; YOU know what you said to cover my not knowing. I wish I could have had a solid standing in the fight but I just wasn’t all there. I felt myself come in and go out, I feel like I’m mostly stuck in the middle of two moods and there’s nothing I can do. I try to make sense of it, I know I have to try BUT nothing Makes sense so what am I to do?? I always wondered why my husband and I would fight and I only could remember a few spots, I’d see his face change all skinny like, my body too, and poof I was out of there until I heard a swear, it caught my attention I guess and sometimes I’d feel like me again, or just stuck. For so long I thought why can’t I just stand up for myself or stop being so upset, or remember ^&*(-it, or what is wrong with me? Now I SO KNOW THIS IS IT!! And that is a really big thing for me cause I have a hard time figuring out anything for sure, needless to say I always Fight with Myself!

Anger is a big, big trigger for me too.

Just recently I stood up to H when he was angry and being very mean to me and I told T about it...I said to T "why didn't I ever do that before?" and T said "you just numbed up and checked out" and I was like OH YEAH! It's amazing how we can check out without even knowing it, you know?

T and I are working....very slowly....on learning to stay present. It's really hard. Do you have a T? Maybe with this new insight about this trigger, you can start working on being present in the face of anger.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( shadow ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((((((___Shadow____))))))))))))))))))))))

[multipixie9]

You know Shadow, I really do relate to that. ANGER is SO< SO< SCARY.

I look back years before I ever dreamed I was DID and I can see how I used to check out when angry. I called it amnesia. When I got in an argument with anyone suddenly I could not remember. I would know there was a problem and then boom, blank-ville! I HATE that.

BUT, at least I know there is some progress because now I can remember fights and not just go blank. They just scare the blankety blank out of me and all, but I don't just go away.

Sometimes though, it's like I don't have all the tools the other grown up people have - I feel disadvantaged in battle. grrr!

Being DID was great when I was a kid, but the more adult my life got the worse being split got for me. It just doesn't do what all the grownup needs for us to do. being grown up bites. sigh...

Leah Pixie (pixie with the Attitudes)