[miserycriz]

I am just plain exhausted and confused...I have been dxed with DID for over the last few years by more then one pdoc.. Have been hospitalized and have no memories, not of any faces of the hospital or nothing. Then things started to settle down and now the flashbacks the headaches the lack of or losing time? It's all so wierd and tiresome. I haven't been on my meds as I lost trust in the doctor I had and stopped them all. I had and do feel more ALIVE then I did on the meds but not sure what I am doing? I do see a therapist regularly and have had episodes where I can write to her and not remember it but I am so on guard when I am with her that I forget the things that are of importance? So I don't know how my system works? Basically I used to hear the voices chat within my head and my writings have even since I was young had different tones to them..Thing is what is really wrong with me? Could the four or five differnt doctors be wrong? I mean how can I know for sure? I am so confused and worried that I might not be taken care of myself..I have this overwhelming fear of who I really am and then I start to really let myself be and sink in my head and the fear and the tears are so much intensity I can't stand it? Sorry this is really a mess of conversation here..Just thoughts are so rapid I can't quite put anyone thing in to perspective..
Thanks for reading though and thoughts or ideas are greatly welcomed..
Miserycriz

[multipixie9]

i read all you said. it sounds so familiar. i have been dx for 14 years. i have gone back and forth so many times am i? am i not? who am i? what am i? noise, confusion, feelings...

part of the deal with d.i.d. is that we use denial to survive too. it is one more tool. after 14 years, recently i read something and flipped into a state where i was absolutely convinced that i was never d.i.d. and even went to talk to my therapist and she patiently went back over this with me and told me the info. that made me question my dx was put out by people with a vested interest in denying d.i.d.

if i gave any advice it would be to recommend you be kind to yourself and go easy and gentle. there has to be a reason that different pdoc's would all give the same dx to you.

you said "i'm exhausted and confused." this tells me you need to take care of yourself before you decide anything. sleep some, eat better, take care of your body and that will help you no matter what is the truth. it is almost impossible to make good decisions if you are exhausted and unable to think clearly.

so....be gentle and kind to yourself and wait. let things settle down. do whatever "healthy" things you do to nurture yourself. avoid any extremes, don't make sudden decisions, don't do anything that might hurt you.

you will get through this time. there are good and kind people here, get to know them and in time you will sort this out.

these were the things that have helped me go through these years and i have come to acceptance of my dx of d.i.d. I am dissociative and it saved my life and my mind. i am a remarkable survivor and i may be scarred but i'm still here and i'll get through today's deals and tomorrow's. keep coming back.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((miserycriz)))))))))))))) Welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you are so exhausted. I'm glad you have a T. Does your T know how to deal with DID or at least trauma? DID is all about survival. I am learning how to better take care of self but the one thing I have learned is that at all costs, I will survive. I've already survived impossible stuff. Eventually I hope to be able to deal with the after effects of it.

My T said a very helpful thing to me once (well, many times lol). She said you've always been like this. Just because you know doesn't change anything other than now we can work on things. When I had no awareness at all, it was impossible for us to even work on things. T often has me "entertain" ideas even if I can't accept them, such as the possibility that I'm not evil or things like that. It has given me an out to have to accept or believe things but a way to think about them safely.

I hope things will calm down for you soon. Hang in there. Hope to hear from you again.

[miserycriz]

Wow! Thank you both for helping me to have an ahhh momment...It's so nice to hear of other people's experiences and to know that I am NOT alone...Multipixie9 you know about what you said that denial is part of our survival that struck me so hard!!! Your so smart. I guess I have a hard time ever imagining that I haven't faced everything in my past, but then that can't be true or I wouldn't be trying to run from it...I am doing one thing right and that's exercising and eating right. I view that as my medicine and it helps tremendously on a number of levels..I know too when I read that it's so hard for me to realize that all D.I.D sufferes go through things at different levels and stages. No one size fits all....You know I talked at length with my husband last night and he say's you are in differnt states all the time. He say's maybe me fighting my "other" selfs is what's making things so much more difficult. He told me that I might need to schedule time for them to come out and just express themselves in a constructive way? So I am seeing my T this afternoon and will mention it to her. Thank you so much for your kind words they were so easy too read and I felt comfort THANK YOU!!!

Wanttoheal...
Awe you said some light bulb momment things to me as well! The one that really hit home was She said you've always been like this. Just because you know doesn't change anything other than now we can work on things. When I had no awareness at all, it was impossible for us to even work on things...WOW that was hitting the nail on the head. My husband also said to me last night this isn't knew behaviour your just more aware of what it is that's happening is all!! You guy's are incredibly smart and I appreciate it...In fact it seemed the more I relaxed and talked about it it wasn't so bad...Then my youngest daughter came and said Kaylee is that you? I looked at her and said why do you ask me that? She was like cuz your face and eyes changed and you look like Kaylee...My daughter is 7 and kaylee is a younger alter that's 5....So then when I went to put my older daughter to bed she's 10 she said the same thing...I almost wanted to cry cuz we are REAL...Does that make sence? Sorry this post was so long my mind is just all over the place but I feel I have found a center here..Thank you,
miserycriz

[multipixie9]

mc,

sorry it took me a while to get back, my own deal heated up and got scary and now its back down level and i am SO happy that we could encourage you. i remember such a long time of totally confusing misery. yuk! i was really struck by your husband's comments about "you fighting yourselves" - i had just read something like that in an autobiography of a man who was d.i.d. this was the first time i realized that there is fighting inside all multiples because of different needs, agendas and just problems. knowing there is conflicts helps me realize that and that they can be resolved. we can come to some learned ways to cooperate for every parts benefit. NOT that i really know how to do that yet!

AHHH moments are moments of DISCOVERY. discovery will lead to RECOVERY in time if we work on our therapy and things. so now that i am dicovering about the need to cooperate in our alters systems then next i'll learn how to build in cooperation.

i was dx with d.i.d. when my kids were in elementary school. my husband refuses to believe in d.i.d. and that hurts and has slowed down my progress and help. however, i finally decided(in the last 6 months) i could start letting my alters show themselves on here and to my daughters and a few people i trusted. i lost a few trusted friends and that hurt BIG. but my daughters are sweet and supportive and folks here are really awesome too. sorry if i'm rambling. but i am happy your husband accepts your dx and that your daughters actually recognize kaylee - wow that just seems so wonderful to me. my recovery has been slowed down by my husband's resistance and you will not have that hassle. i'm not going to let my husband's flaw stop improvement for all of us.

**oh, i think your husband's idea about scheduling times for parts to come out is really great if your system of alts can learn how to work together that way. things that help ease tension and build cooperation are awesome!!!! my system is not able to schedule it like that but some people can and it helps them a lot.

this was reeeealy long, but i just wanted to encourage you to accept all the help and encouragement people offer (as long as they are healthy) because it will make it better for you and what helps you helps your whole family. if i could go back and do it differently (though we can't) i would not let people deny the truth of my struggle and pain. i would put that recovery as a high priority and i'd cut myself some real slack and stop being so darned mean to myself. if you ever want to pm i'd like that too. hugs, leslie and her pixies!

[miserycriz]

leslie and pixies,
Again your insight is incredibly helpful..I am so confused right now? So much going on? So much fighting to keep a hold on everything myself to be in total contol,YET I feel as though I am just a person punching in a time clock? I am very thankful to have my husband behind me YET I lack the ability to trust so much it's so uncomfortable to let my guard down at all and that makes me and my insides exhausted. I feel that if I allow them more time access there voices might tell my deepest secrets that I have those walls up in my head to protect? The more there talking inside thinking and planing and carrying on the more I feel defient to keep us all quite and secure away from people who will harm us? Make any sense? UGGG sorry I am just so emotionally torn right now. THoughts just filling themselves in with even more details and I just can't breathe...

Sorry you were having a rough time too...I want to comment but don't want to insert myself where I am not sure how it will effect other's? My paranoia is really high right now so I will go but had to say THANK YOU!!! YOu have a very positive way of looking at things and I think that's great...
Miserycriz

[thelostone]

((((((((((miserycriz))))))))))

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I have not been dx with did so far, but so much of what you say hits home. do YOU know your deepest darkest secrets? i hear the voices in my head talking all the time, and i lose time. recently talking with my kids who are older (the "baby" is 16) i have found out that they have known there were different me's for years.

recently i have discovered some longer periods of time missing, and some deep dark secrets that i didn't know. i am 44 years old and up until 2 years ago i would have told you i had had a very normal almost charmed life. then came the nervous breakdown, and panic attacks and agoraphobia. now 2 years later i am having flashbacks to things that i never would have imagined could have happened to me.

if your parts are willing to help you work with a T and discover your secrets and work through them, then you can start to heal. my secrets are still mostly secret. i know a few bits and pieces, enough to know thta my perfect life was a lie, and the one person who could maybe have filled in some of the blanks died last january. i had not seen him for nearly 30 years. i know it is scary but you need to heal, for your sake and the sake of your family. you don't want to end up where i am hiding in my closet most of the time, wondering what really happened, scared to be seen because i can't trust anyone other than my immediate family. T is pushing me to tell her about things that i don't know about.

take care of you, let the parts come out and tell their secrets, it is scary but inthe end it is for the best.

lost

[miserycriz]

Thank you lost!!
I appreciate how hard your fighting now...We all have to start somewhere huh? I guess it's so frusturating because I am not aware of the secrets my inner selves know? The one's that I am aware of seem bad enough that I feel evil and guilty and disgusting..the more the thought's come forward or I get clarity then I start to not want to go out anywhere..It's like every person I see can see through me..I feel so vulnerable right now..It is however wierd for the first time in a year I am reaching out to my T..she is responding ever so carefully too I can tell that brings me relief..She has even offered to go with me to my drs appt. cuz I am having really bad intrusive thought's and I had quit all my meds a few months back cuz I got tired of being on them and feeling so badly..Now I can see things are coming at me with such a fast rate and I do NOT want to go back to the hospital again..I have been so much in the last 3 years dealing with these issues...I appreciate your words and encouragment...I am scared right now and cold and feel not good...Feel like I am going to be in trouble for giving these painful thoughts a voice?
Miserycriz

[thelostone]

i know what you mean. i am scared of what i do not remember. but you must remember that what ever it is, you are not evil or guilty or disgusting. your mind has hidden these things for your safety, but now it is ready to let them out and you have a good T who will help you deal with them. once you are able to get them out healing can begin. good luck to you. and safe hugs if you want them.

lost