dissociated in front of T

so, when i went to therapy last week we met hubby's new T. he actually brought his appt book into my Ts office so we could schedule things to save gas and make only one trip. trouble is, apparently he was in the office for about 15 minutes and if he walked into the room right now i would not know who he was. i vaguely remember being in the room and thinking i should be part of the conversation, but i didn't seem to have any control over my body, or brain. after he left i T asked me what bothered me about him, and i couldn't tell her. then she asked me something along the lines of where is the person who was here while he was. i am very confused. i know that i have appointments the same time as my hubby for the next 3 times, but i don't know what happened while he was there, or why. the conversations in my head have been getting louder, and i have been losing time quite a bit. my stress level has been off the charts the last 2 weeks too. i feel like my whole life has been a lie up to this point and i now have absolutly no control over what is left of it. i have no idea what to do. i have tried writing, but can't get anything to come out on paper, but i have also found odd notes on random pages of my notebook that i use to keep track of things that are in my handwriting but i dont' remember writing them or have any idea what they mean. i am getting more convinced than ever that there is more than panic disorder and ptsd going on here, and my depression level has gone way up too.

i don't know what to do.

lost

meeting new people is stressful and maybe you dissociated to handle the stress?

i'm not sure i have anything helpful to say, but i wanted to let you know i heard you.

maybe you could write a note to yourself to speak to husband's T and ask husband what happened while you were there with him and his T. sorry, what i said just seems sort of lame to me now, but i think if you just keep going you will be able to sort some things out and find out if you are dissociating more.

counseling does bring things up and out and can be more uncomfortable at some times than others, but if you stick it out and have a decent T then it will help you! hang in there and post on here as much as you can. people here care, i care.

leslie and pixies

We can very much understand this too.
For some of us, being asked "with whom am I now speaking to?" is a very confusing time, because switching is such a quiet unnoticed thing in our life.
It is good to tell her if you are uncomfortable with answering that kind of question, there are many in us who are either too shy to, or simply refuse to announce their name in public.

(((((((((((((LOST)))))))))))))))

I know how scared, confused and upset you may be. I have dissociated in front of T, I need that control too much.
Something that REALLY helped me communicate with my alters was to write with the non-dominant hand. For example, I am right handed so I asked a question by writing it out with my right hand and then allowed the answer to come out through my left hand. It cleared up a lot of things that were going on that I didn't know about.

I hope this helps some.

((((((((((((((((((thelostone))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Chances are if you are dissociating in front of T right now, you've always done so. My T was the first to know out of the two of us that I was dissociating. I didn't have enough awareness to even know I was. It's great that you are getting this awareness.

I have recently started noticing that when the noise gets louder in my head, I usually end up somewhere else doing something else. I don't always know what triggered me to make that happen, but stress definitely makes me more vulnerable to being triggered.

My advice would be to talk to T. If she is experienced in trauma, she probably is noticing things anyway and might be waiting for you to get some awareness. Hang in there lostone.

thank you all for your replies, i have been having internet problems on top of everything else.

i have suspected for a while i might be did, i have no idea if my T suspects it or not, i know there are things from my past that she is pushing me to remember, and i can't remember them. i have recently started talking to my sisters to try and fill in some blanks. my abuser from childhood died a few months ago, shortly before i started having flashbacks, and my first husband won't admit to any abuse, he never would. it took his 3rd wife claiming it and leaving him for his family to believe it.

i am scared, i want to know the truth about what happened to me, but it seems like the harder i try to remember the farther away it gets. i have spent the last couple weeks mostly hiding and crying, and i don't even know why i cry. hubby is convinced that i am mad at him and that everything that is going on with me is his fault. i don't know if that is his bipolar coming out or if he is just feeling bad because he can't "fix" me. i am so lost right now.

lost

While it is possible that you do suffer with D.I.D., do be aware that not all dissociating is because of that. People without any disorder dissociate "all" the time. It is a form of coping, especially when feeling stressed beyond what they can handle. Some people just "zone" out and "no one" is there for a bit.

In any event, don't fear anything with regards to this. You are safe in the here and now, and if things occurred during childhood especially, when you didn't have control over your own life, then there's nothing to be ashamed or faulted for.

((((((((((((((lostone)))))))))))) You're brave. I don't even want to know what happened to me lol.

DID is on the extreme side of dissociation. A person can be any where on that line, ergo DD NOS and depersonalization, etc, without being at the extreme side. Regardless as to where anyone is, it's hard to deal with dissociation and past stuff. The one thing about dissociative disorders that my T said is that it can be changed. It was a coping mechanism our brains did to get through some yucky stuff and as we get stronger and learn how to deal wtih life in different ways, that dissociation can lessen.

I know it can be scary, but just remember- you are a survivor. You've already gone through the stuff (and if you are going through stuff now, I hope you can reach out for help and safety). Thanks for updating us. We look forward to hearing from you. Hang in there.

hi

i have found it better to just work with awareness and feelings and connection within myself and to the world, rather than trying to force memories. i figure the memories will come if and when they are ready. like they'll only come when they know i am ready to cope with them. until then, work is being done to help improve coping mechanisms and whatnot.