Unsure how bad of a dissociation it is

Hey everyone,

I'm new here, got a question. I'm experiencing something, unsure what it is. I guess just trying to figure my place in the continuum of dissociation... So, here's the story:

My memory is fragmented, not coherent. I don't have like time lapses, don't "come in" in unknown places, etc. But all I remember is bits and pieces, random, not connected. I feel they cover my entire life, but then - how can I be sure I'm not missing something... I remember like a young child - scenes, frames, not a continuous story. I can usually figure what happened first and what happened later, just by the logic, or by small clues (like I remember wearing a swimsuit while I had that argument with my sis, so it must have been during summer), and so I cope, it doesn't really cause me any inconvenience, it just seems weird, now, that I started thinking about it.

I do sleep-walk and sleep-talk. Usually, to a "normal" extent, where a person I talk to knows right away I'm asleep, as I say meaningless things, don't answer questions, can't keep up a conversation, etc. A few times, though, it happened that the next morning a person would describe in detail lengthy conversations we had, decisions we made, even walks we took outside (!), and I have absolutely no recollection of it. It only happened literally a few times, maybe two or three, it seemed weird, but didn't bother me till I started thinking of dissociation.

The hardest thing to say: sometimes it's like someone else talks through my mouth. It's still me, but some other kind of me. Like, it's coming straight from my subconscious, without any check, any control, any filtering. I'd just blurt out random stuff and right away think "huh?!!!" Nothing bad ever came out like that, but it's still embarrassing and weird, and scary 'cause I never know what I might blurt out next. It's like, I hear myself talk, but have zero control over it. A few days ago I had this important meeting with a client, signing a huge contract, he asked me how I was, I replied, "I wanna chocolate icecream." It was fine, we joked about it, he took it for flirting, I guess, but, I mean, it's an inappropriate response...

I'm in therapy, and have just realized that, after I leave my T's office, I have not a slightest clue what did we just talk about, what did she wear, etc. Absolutely zero memory. Then, gradually, during the week, random bits and pieces of the session surface in my memory, so I get a feeling I remember most of it, but then I'm not so sure. And, anyhow, it's weird. It feels like there's two me's, and they need time to "catch up" on what's happening. If that makes any sense. Unfortunately, I can't even talk about it to my T 'cause when I'm there, I don't remember any of these concerns. I did write down notes for myself at first, but discovered I couldn't read them. I saw letters, and even words, but couldn't grasp what they meant. Like I forgot how to read, or just couldn't focus. Maybe I should start emailing her...

I don't have any alters (well, I guess I should add "that I'm aware of"), all this talk of "other me's" is just an attempt to phrase what it feels like. All this "blurting out random stuff", and "catching up" after therapy, and having fragmented memory...

Anyone been there? What does it sound like? I'm not self-diagnosing, I'm trying to gain insight/perspective...

Thank you very much for any input!!!
Curiosus

Hi Curiosus, Welcome to PC. The thing with dissociation is that it's like a million dots on a line and one can be anywhere on that line, in my opinion. I'm glad you have a T to help you through this. Likely, your T is aware that you are dissociating, although it might take a while to figure out how much.

Writing is good, I think, and oftentimes when I can't get information to T, it is written down and handed to her. She reads it herself as sometimes I am too dissociated or mute to read it to her. I think any information you can get to T can help her to help you. If emailing is an option, I'd definitely consider that as well. My T gets a lot of information from emailing, text messaging and journal writing. It helps her to know what's going on here so she can better help me.

Glad you're here and hope to hear more from you.

Hi Curiosus. I too have said and say things that seem to be coming from someone else. I've even talked in a different voice (that stopped, thank goodness). When I first started seeking help, the only way I could communicate was through writing it down and having my T read it. My handwriting would even change while writing what I had to say.
Any way you can communicate with your T is only going to help you. Keep at it. Maybe you could copy what you wrote here and let your T read it, if you comfortable with it.

Hey WantToHeal,
Thanks for response!
Yes, my T is aware that I'm dissociating, I think. I'm just terrified to go into this with her, 'cause I don't know what is it that I'm hiding, and what if it comes out, I'd rather chose what I'm sharing, not blurt it out randomly. I'm just afraid I'd blurt out something I'm not aware of, and it might be bad. I understand logically that's what Ts are for, but it's still too scary to to just let myself lose. And, I mean, if I don't let myself lose, it does come out anyway, just at random times. Either way I'm not winning. And the worst part is that it happens outside of therapy, too. Was talking to my mom the other day, she congratulated me on something, I smiled nastily and said, "right, mtf*ing b*". I know I don't like her, but not to an extent to say such things... It's just so inconvenient, so confusing, so frustrating to not be able to control yourself... And yet to be aware of what's happening, witnessing it all... Sorry I'm venting...

Hi LadyHermit, thanks for responding. Nice to hear I'm not the only odd one like that. I also have different handwritings!!! And voice, and mimics, and posture, and vocabulary... I'd understand if it were alters, but it feels more like being drunk, if you know what I mean...

I know what are going trough. I was diagnos as DID about two years ago and I been working with my psychologist since them. It will take a while but don't despair.
Many things that everyone share are very similar, but you start the process keep getting insigth from us and from your therapsit.

anything that we can do for you let us know

Edna(gennoah)

each person who has did/mpd does it differently from others. i am dissociative and i do feel like some things you do are similar to what i did or do. in fact i even have parts who's job is to "deny" that we dissociate. that really made me confused until i realized it was just one more way to defend my mind from things i could not handle. i had to never, ever ever slip up and tell because i believed my life depended on not talking. even after i was in therapy to help with my did i denied i had it for about 5 years and still denied it occasionally for another 5 years. there are as many ways of doing mpd/did as their are folks doing it. it is a unique way to defend ones life and we all do it somewhat different. ok, i'm rambling, so i'll quit here.

Your dissociation sounds a bit like mine.

I've had mine for 10 years now and lately I've been denying it although I know its there. My T has done sessions with me where she draws out the personalities and interrogates them. She says that it works quite well and for the most part it makes my alters feel better.

I just recently found out that I may have DID. I do have trouble with dissociating and I am working with a T. One thing that seems to have helped me is when I am in a difficult space I talk to myself and ask my others not to be afraid and to just let me handle the problem. It's kind of like asking them to trust me, so that I can get through it without dissociating and getting lost and confused. So far it seems to be working.
I to find it hard to believe, but the more I say it an't so, the more problems I had. So a little self therapy with a different mind frame, an open mind if you will has made a big difference in my life. If I can help you as we muddle through this, let me know. 1Girl

hmm...curious to be honest your post and folks' comments have me a little curious myself..

first, i totally understand how you feel. definitely not alone. i recently started a thread myself i'm confused? don't understand DID some people have posted some great information. you may want to take a look.

i used to be in therapy - can't afford it now. literally can't afford food now. but, whenever i've looked back, i've never been able to remember what i discussed in therapy (not sure if i remembered at the time?)!

i always just thought to myself that whatever i said wasn't important or that i didn't say anything. i know the therapist i went to the longest...i never talked. i do remember him saying i was his quietest patient. so i guess i figure i really never did talk...

there were essentially three T's that i saw for an extended period of time. i was young - teens. so i also figured i just forgot what i said. the last i saw i was 19-20. i don't remember specific conversations...i know we talked about school and i know i shared with her about my SI (i remember brining in an article from a magazine...SI was a fairly new thing in the public eye back then)...i know i talked about family... but i don't remember specific conversations...

this is kind of freaking me out a bit now... i hadn't given it much thought before. always making excuses... wow... i had NEVER thought i dissociated?? what if i did??

didn't mean to turn my comment to you to something all about me! but it freaked me out reading your post & everyone's replies to you...

i can REALLY REALLY relate to your worrying about you're hiding. it's a scary thought not knowing if there's something we don't remember... i'm scared too.

you aren't alone!!

Hey everyone,
Thanks so much for replies! I very much appreciate your input and support. I really do. Am not responding anything 'cause I'm sorta in crisis now, falling apart, can't think straight. So weird...

i hopes you better now.

wanna know sumfin funny? i dis poopied in da shower on da newspaper cuz the mean water man turnded off my water and big says we can't flush da toilet! it was yuckee an i had to spray my hand wiff lysol cuz i couldn't wass dem wiff soap. but it gonna wain tomorrow.

so ness time you go pottie you tink of me going poopie in da shower an laff otay! cuz dat silly ting to do!

i tink it silly...big me say i soodn't tell peeople dat cuz it gross but i tink it funny gross

an i is here so i gonna say it and post it and her can no do nufin. i gonna pick my nose an eat my boogers too.

but i nice lil girl too. i hopes you feel better!!!!!!!!

EMBARRASSED... ok if there's a test for DID that's gotta be it!! posting things you would never ever ever ever post if you were half in your right mind! Let's just pretend i didn't post what i did please!

Hey Sadly_Me,

No need to be embarrassed; your little didn't do anything wrong. I understand how you feel, though. Isn't it funny? I started this thread on the subject of blurting things out uncontrollably, and here it happens...

thanks for being so understanding!

hey, i was happy to help with a "blurting things out uncontrollably" live presentation!! LOL

Welcome to semi co-consciousness... I never let the host ever know anything that I was doing or saying. So in some way you are probably being invited to know your others. Our host when I first let her know of my existence she said about the same thing. I had considerable arm twisting to do it by my T so I would be asking T for more info. Or if you are not journaling you need to start...just relax and let what comes come... Good luck its the first step in getting well.

it's difficult to know how and when it's appropriate to let the host know you are hanging around and can "read over his/her shoulder", whether or not they like it...and it's amazing how quickly it can change and dance into something different...we can disguise ourselves and no one really knows the difference except us, and maybe the therapist, if he/she is looking at the time...stay safe, and flexible...abbi