[multipixie9]

i did not want to post. i do not want to post. but, i am going to post. darnit. i feel abandoned and really scared. spouse will be gone for an indefinite time between 10-14 days. i will have little contact with him via skype and i feel desolate. i hate feeling this way and hate acknowledging these feelings. he is so stressed on the job and this is the 4th trip in 9 months. he has no reserves to spend on reassuring me and he denies existence of our alts. we are sad and lonely in here. growing up, for what that was worth the parentals were there every day and my dad only ever took 2 small business trips and mom left for one surgery. consistent though negative sometimes seems better than alone...

have just finally admitted how badly i treat myself and my inner folks. strongly suspect it is programming and right now feel unable to dismantle and replace it. heck, i can't even get out to buy a coloring book for my littles much less food for us all. if this sounds whiny, i do not really care because i am scared. i do not want to take care of myself and that makes me furious because it is going to destroy our body and then what will we do? i wish i had someone inside who could help me - the host to take care of us all better. i have a pretty complex system of systems of alts and it is just tiring to even think in here. ok. whiny time over. i guess i am asking for reassurance or compassion or i don't know what. i am so sad.

leslie

[3velniai]

[miserycriz]

leslie and pixies

biggest safest hugz if okay?????

so sorry that your going thru that...I know that dosen't helppp...Sometimes even people who don't understand our having DID are better then us being alone at home? you know we still love them even though they can be ignorant at times...I hate going out of the house too so much...I can only force myself cuz of the three kids at home still!!! I have too for them...If I had to work oh my word what would I do...So the going out part I totally understand...I hope thing's can calm down inside your system and you can work something out so that you can take care of yourself to just "make" it through this tough time...

However you come here and keep talking...your not whining not one bit...My husband rarely has to leave out of town..The one time he did for only a week before I was even like I am now I as in complete shut down mode so I do understand that...I had shopped before he left and everything..it's so hard...We here understand it's awful to go thru...So sitting here listening if you want okay? Please be good to yourself...biggest hugz
MC

[multipixie9]

thank you mc, we appreciate your kindness and understand. the last time he went for a week in october we did not eat one real meal in a week unless you can a hot dog and a bun. we did not get out of our chair or sleep in bed or go anywhere at all and that was scary to me because i realized finally that i am the host. nobody thought to tell me that and i really didn't know and so nobody was leading anything. gee it was soo dysfunctional, grrr. i'm still not sure what a host does anyway???!!! i think of parties and game shows and neither one of them will help with my systems of alts. parties make me want to run away or get sick and stay home. i just want to be safe and not quite so miserable. and i do want to keep everyone inside safe and fed and protected. we used to be hostile to our insiders until we finally realized what all they had to done to keep us alive in childhood. they are a bunch of little heroes. but we still scare each other. they hate grown ups and now i am one and i'm afraid of kids that cry. who would believe i raised two daughters who are actually functional in the real world....so far.

thank you for all your support!!!! "i'll be back" (just be glad i don't have a schwarzenegger part or you'd be scared now)!

will be back to talk. bye bye frum pixies too. an leslie

[miserycriz]

awwwee leslie and her pixies

it's so confusing isn't it not knowing the host from the other's at times??? Somtimes I wonder that too especially now?? When more and more come and go and I don't know who is running the show? Who is supposed to be taking charge so too speak!! My heart goes out to you...NO I don't call eating a hot dog a MEALPlease know I am thinking of you I can understand the frusturation of it all...I often wonder how we switch roles so much from one side to the other from care givers to not being able to care even for ourselves?? you know if that makes sense? I know that having children too that they are high achievers now at least lol 7,10 and 14 g,g, and boy and do very well and I think HOW??? I barely even know how I go about the day?? LOL have to laugh cuz I don't know how it all get's done with all the commotion that seems to go on..Then I cant seem to figure out my own self..Then to think about the outside world and having parties or other children over is down right frightening...I can stay awake day's just panicking over it...So I will sit here with you just kinda understanding as I am not where you are at but trying to empathize with you so your not alone with this okay? Biggest hugz...Will try to check back soon...Sending you big warm hugz...Try to stay safe and warm and maybe coloring something pixie like?? huggles
MC

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( leslie and pixies )))))))))))))))))))

[Jewels]

Dear leslie and pixies,

it is SO difficult to know when/who the host is, only to find out it is you. Yahna knows she is the host, but she is so tired and worn out by dealing with us all that she frequently takes breaks inside. When she is out, she is like a gangbuster of a lady, getting things done and working her heart out in the house. She sifts through things, throws things away we don't need, and sets up her bedroom how she wants it. We are amazed at her strength and resiliency at those times. At other times she wants nothing to do with us, and will not allow us to help her protect herself. She sometimes sees us as an inconvenience and not as helpers. We wish she would listen to us, hear how we helped her survive all these years.

our wish for you right now is that you will find rest being yourself. It is the most difficult place in the world, and we empathize with your pain. If we can be of assistance, please don't hesitate to ask. We think you are really brave to figure out that you are the host. That is a very tough job. Kudos to you!!!

Beth of Jewels

[Sannah]

Leslie, how are you today? Have you eaten?

[Kendyll]

Would it help to maybe write up a list of things to do every day? Something for you (or whoever is out) could use to make sure that the "taking care of" stuff happens? It wouldn't have to be fancy or really complicated - just things like "eat breakfast - cold cereal", "change clothes", "wash face", "eat lunch - peanut butter sandwich". I used to do that when I didn't know how to be alone and it helped. I didn't like it, I didn't have to like it. I just had to make sure those few things got done every day and then I would be OK.

Do you have someone who could help you with grocery shopping? I keep a lot of really easy food stuff on hand all the time. That way I don't have to do a lot of work when it's time to eat. Plastic forks and spoons, too - no dishes to wash, either. Stuff like bread and peanut butter and popcorn and cereal and milk and cheese and apples or bananas. Maybe some microwave thingys 'cause the microwave isn't too hard.

And maybe post here a little every day? Share what you've been doing, how things are going?

Lots of love for Leslie & Pixies!!!

[multipixie9]

thanks mc, your words are so comforting. i appreciate your kind words. last night got scary when we finally cried but then it has gotten better today. Hugs!

hugs to you furry friend! Hugs and imaginations!

thanks for writing us beth, you have helped. have to smile someone in the outside world finally TOLD us Leslie is the Host!!!! my T was like, oh. you didn't know that??? no duh?! i really didnt and now that i know it's like i wish i had a handbook on how to be a good host to my inside peeples. it's good to be getting to know you all!

hi sannah, thanks for checking in with me, I am doing better though i did not make it out

Kendyll, you have some good ideas for staying safe and doimg simple self-care. maybe i could ask my daughter to help me go to the store. thanks again for writing and sharing. i do appreciate you, you have very good ideas and i hope and jon are doing ok!

thanks everyone. i still feel so afraid of my own feelings. i dont know why it seems SO flipping terrifying to cry or feel angry or worse alone and abandoned!!! i was scared when my husband came home because he would know i'd been crying - i've never been one of those lucky people who can cry without looking hideous - and he never said a word. i am angry at my abusive parental unit who would hurt me if i cried to long or for what she tought was an unimportant reason. i wish it would get better now and not let the feelings build up to the flashpoint where it all goes KABOOM!!! i act like we've got to have life all together just because we are in our 50's now. it's what i used to think.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i still feel so afraid of my own feelings. i dont know why it seems SO flipping terrifying to cry or feel angry or worse alone and abandoned!!!

i am angry at my abusive parental unit who would hurt me if i cried to long or for what she tought was an unimportant reason.

So Leslie, do you think you might be afraid to allow yourself your feelings because you are afraid of being punished if you do?

[multipixie9]

yes, sannah, we are very afraid to reveal our feelings, especially tears. we had more than one sadistic abuser who would do things to upset us deliberately, and then would punish us if we got upset or showed emotion. they were so coldly cruel and twisted. i used to cry maybe once a year before we got to the falling apart stage around 15 years ago when the pain and dysfunction in my life began to overwhelm the defences developed while in the hands of abusers.

at some point i was "trained" by being deprived of oxygen or held under water until i learned to "control" my emotions - which really means i learned how to dissociate and pass off the terror, pain to other alts who bore this horror for the sake of the child we were.

i wish i had understood and accepted earlier that EVERY ONE OF MY ALTS IS DOING SOMETHING THEY THINK IS SERVING OR RESCUING THE PERSON WE SHARE. even when my alts
have done things that seemed wrong to me - they were convinced they were doing it for our sake. the more i accept all my alts as me and all as valid - the better i do and the systems of alts do.

hugs, sannah and friends,

leslie and pixies

[Sannah]

Acceptance of where you are at and what you are doing (what your mind was trained to do) is so important for healing and moving forward.

[Jewels]

Dear Leslie and her pixies,

I am so glad that you are continuing on your discovery of yourself. No one here will judge you for what you are going through, because either we are going through the same things, or have gone through similar things. We know how dificult it is to find out who the host is, and how much more difficult it is for the host to find out herself she is the host. We will be praying for you that hope would spring up in your heart and you would know that others here love you for YOU, not for someone else.

((((((((((leslie and her pixies))))))))))

Beth of Jewels

[miserycriz]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Acceptance of where you are at and what you are doing (what your mind was trained to do) is so important for healing and moving forward.

Lightbulb momment for us...
I hope you don't get mad at us for posting on this thread but Leslie and Pixies this was HUGE for us...This used to happen to us..One of our abusers used to put us in a choke hold daily...I would freak out and cry and turn red (obviously couldn't breathe) he was in the military so he knew how to hold really,really tight too! My face turn red and the more I would cry I was so scared he would laugh and laugh and and my face would turn red (I think) and then things would go fuzzy but I alway's heard him talking then all of a sudden no more tears just laughter me way way in the back but another voice in my body laughing not scared not scared standing there..I never realized that that alter was created to take care of me then to withstand that pain until now...He would put my head between his legs and choke me too and same thing also beat me same way and I would go away and the other alter would come out laughing at him and even though he was beating us so hard that alter laughing at him i think scared him cuz she couldn't feel the pain...SORRY I just had to kinda thank you for opening up here cuz I am going to write this in my journal it was a break through moment for me...My tummy hurts kinda now it alway's does when I have to really belive that this is (REAL) in me does that happen for you all? Hugz Leslie and Pixies biggest safest hugz I do understand

MC

[Sannah]

MC , I am so sorry that you had to endure that..... You are safe now.......

[pachyderm]

Corn dogs are good. I eat the (frozen) vegetarian ones...

[multipixie9]

dear mc and alts,

i respect you all very much for working together in such strong and clever ways to survive. i HATE what he did to you all; i despise such a coward to use his strength to hurt and abuse someone smaller than himself, there are no words i could or would use her to describe someone so low and sickening - maybe that he is lower than the bacteria that feed on the disgusting pond scum. bleh!!!!!!!!!!!

you did me no harm in sharing your awareness regained. i feel sad but i feel sad for all of us anyway who've been treated so badly. my anger spreads across the whole area of abuse where people take advantage of those they should protect or care for.

i just wish i could be there to applaud your awareness and progress and to offer a gentle hug - if it were an ok thing to you. hooray for progress and awarenesses. i pray that you can work this all the way through to being healed and unafraid of being held close. someday i hope this guy realizes how hideous he is and is ashamed of his scummy behavior. yuk!

leslie, with respect

ps yes i do get tummy aches and headaches and sometimes feel very small and sad when i realize just how ugly, dangerous and sickening it was. but we WILL overcome!!!

[DianasClan]

Hello,
I just wanted to say that I comend you on your effort and strenght in coming out and revealing your fears and feelings. That is not an easy thing to do. I hope you are well and in a better place now. As for the eating issue. Sometimes whole meals are not all they are cracked up to be. They can take alot of time to prepare and then even a small meal can be to filling when we don't feel like eating. I recommend trying small servings of anything that would be comforting. Even if it is just a hot dog and a bun or a serving of ice cream. some food is better then no food. Hugs if you want them.
Denise of the Clan

[multipixie9]

denise/clan thank you for your kind remarks. we are doing better than the original posting, but not in a happy place. you are right, some food is better than only candy. our littles are addicted to sugar and rely heavily on it to mood alter when upset. it is a big conflict for the more mature parts who wish to take care of our health, but someday i hope we will be able to negotiate better.

take care of yourself,

leslie and her pixies