my thoughts are in utter chaos.
confusion
trying to sort things out
what is healthy
what is not
what is right
what is wrong
when the sh-- hits the fan
is it always my fault???
what about friends who take advantage
who guilt me
who turn it all around
and lay it on my head

what about friends who are hurting
and i have to process
their pain
and mine

and i feel like nothing is real
and everything is real
and it all hurts
way too much

[Sannah]

Lots of good questions Iris, questions that you can find the answers for, one at a time. Is there anything specific that you want to talk about now so that you can make some sense of it?

[Poohbear13]

White Iris:

I will sit with you. I am feeling some of the same things. I am not sure what is real or in the hear and now and what is in my head. I just seem to be switching a lot right now and don't know why or who is doing it.

Take care of yourself.

I know ALL the "right" answers. I think. But I can't do it.
i have a friend who says she is my best friend. wants honesty and says she cares.
she was coming to visit from another state. she has an immune system disease that makes her susepible to colds, flu--bad germs. she is also DID with issues i don't have. she went thru a very bad time last yr--this time--and i was in a bad way after helping her. she is now helping someone who is going thru similar and i having a rough time--she won't admit it but it comes thru conversation.

i and my H are fighting colds. house is full of germs. high flu and colds in this area.
i gave her a heads up about it.
she said that if i was so concerned that i make the decision about her coming and she would be fine with whatever i decided.
thought about it. talked to H. talked to T. decided that it's not a good time with the colds and with her being so involved with other person (i left that out).
she freaked
she threw every guilt trip she could
how her insiders that are friends with my insiders are devistated
how we had planned this trip for so long
i stuck to my decision.
she kept the guilt up---and now wants total honesty
she says she thinks it is really about other person.
CAN'T be honest--
there is lots more.
too long
she has me trapped
whatever i do i am wrong
if i try to get away i trigger her into some really awful stuff.
i see what i need to to.
i can't do it

oh, and i just found out someone i care much about has a terminal illness. it's all too hard to process everything.

[Sannah]

What do you need to do Iris?

i need to back away. separate ourselves from herselves. not get sucked into her stuff. keep separate. maybe not be so much friends.

i'm afraid of the fall out from this.
tried before and the fallout was horrible.

it's hurts her and hers so bad they get very triggered and do harmful things to themselves.

then it's my fault.
then her friends and family blame me
for her actions. why would i do such a thing as say i don't want to be friends anymore??

i'm trapped.

[pegasus]

Just need someone to sit with me.

Sitting with you ((((((((((((( white iris )))))))))))))

((( white iris )))

It is NOT your fault. Isn't this type of blame very similar to what abusers do? They make you THINK it's your fault. It's a cop out.

(((((orange))))) you are right.

and i got more today.
she is playing the martyr
has so much on her plate
has been triggered
is not so good
has a full plate of other ppls problems
and i started it--that is an unsaid but implied.

i don't deserve this.
i deserve better

but do i really???

triggering old messages of worthlessness
not good enough
can't do anything right
any decision is the wrong decision
and on and on.....

it will pass
it usually does

keep breathing

[Sannah]

Iris, being very honest and truthful with her about what is going on doesn't work?

we got an e-mail from one of her younger insiders who says she is so so so sad that they aren't coming. another of her insiders(W) is friends with our naomi and she(W) is upset because naomi hasn't written her and now they wonder if we really even care for them........

guilt piled on guilt. inside protector wants to "be honest" and say that the
guilt they are dumping on us is wrong. that we feel bad enough that the situation of H and us being sick was reason to cancel plans. the guilt is not helping. but we know the history of that tooo---she will become very defensive and upset.

i talked to T today and said i don't know what is worse--being healthy and making healthy choices and getting my emotions and triggers all stirred up like a snow globe or letting her continue to do this to me and cave when it gets too much.

we want to ignore the e-mail and not respond. not respond to the guilt trip. but we know what the fall out will be---and i'm already triggered enough......

[Zorah]

((((((w_i)))))))
don't let her guilt trip you

hang on in there, this is not your problem

most of us here are vulnerable to this, don't allow your empathy to prevent self -protection
we know this is easier said than done & we will always be here to sit with you

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by white_iris

i don't know what is worse--being healthy and making healthy choices and getting my emotions and triggers all stirred up like a snow globe or letting her continue to do this to me and cave when it gets too much.

It sounds like you understand this situation very well Iris..........

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( white iris )))))))))))))))

i understand, know what to do---the fall out scares me--hurts and feels impossible to tolerate. fallout so triggering. she says those things which trigger me the most. plays on my emotions. if i don't respond she sends the littles like she just did. i can't win. i will never get out from under her.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by white_iris

the fall out scares me--hurts and feels impossible to tolerate. fallout so triggering. she says those things which trigger me the most. plays on my emotions. if i don't respond she sends the littles like she just did. i can't win. i will never get out from under her.

So being aware of the triggering doesn't help to work through it? Is this a person that you want to continue being friends with?

[DianasClan]

(((((((Iris))))))))

Diana

[pegasus]

Sounds like your friend likes hurting you.

(((((((( white iris ))))))))

[Hunny]

She has an immune disease that makes her susceptible to colds?

White Iris, you are actually saving her life by not seeing her at this time when you and your husband are sick. Now that's a real friend!

Because of her condition, if she gets near to you, she may actually die sooner.

You are being very thoughtful. You and your Husband are sick but she is VERY sick. The kind of sick you can die from.

Sometimes when people are VERY sick, like your friend, they don't think rationally, at times, because of the sickness. Little parts/kids don't want to stay home because of sickness, they want what they want when they want it and it sounds to me like her child parts don't like hearing this. (how I know this b/c I HATE having to stay home when sick, too many times looking out windows, while other children played).

AND, one more thing, perhaps the other person you referred to as being terminal, is too feisty to die.

Sitting with you White Iris (but not too close, achoo)

Melting Ice

she has lupus with lung involvement. very dangerous. her dr said not to be in crowds or around sick ppl. i am just following dr orders.

two of her insiders have contacted me all sad and upset.

she has not even texted to ask if i was feeling ok. or how H was feeling. nor did the insiders even ask.
when she was in the hospital and when she was home from hospital after a bout with MRSA and a lung infection, i called or texted every day. sometimes several times a day to see how she was.
i'm not syaint this to be petty--maybe i am--don't know.....but i would think that she would text just "how you feeling--know you weren't feeling well yesterday." but all she did according to her insider was be crabby because they got a replacement for her and so she isn't working this week.

i am near tears.

she really doesn't care about me does she????
this is really hurting. i feel sick.
i'm sorry.
this is so stupid

[DianasClan]

I don't think you are being petty hun at all. We all want someone to care about us. Especially when a person says they are your friend. But I think what IceStatue said is true. When people are very sick like your friend they tend to not think rationally or worldly as they might when they are healthy. At times like this you have to accept it for what it is and try not to take it personally.

We are here for you hun. We care, but, when we are sick we tend to think only of ourselves. It sounds as if that is what she is doing.

We here at the clan hope you are feeling a bit better.

Hugs if you want them.

Denise of the Clan

[Sannah]

Iris, I don't think that this is stupid. It sounds like your feelings are hurt. One sided relationships hurt...........