I REALLY don't want to have DID

I guess the title of my thread says it all.

Sometimes I think, this CAN NOT be happening for real. It just CAN'T. And I tell T that I am sure it's just PTSD or whatever.

Other times, I know it's real and it scares me and confuses me.

Sometimes when I am very accepting and stop fighting it and let a younger part talk to T or whatever, I have a time of feeling peaceful for a while and everything seems to settle down. And then the next trigger comes along, and it's like, here we go again.

I hate it. I don't WANT it, AT ALL. I wish there were some way to just make it go away I need it to go away. I just want to be "me", whoever that is.

ouch, it hurts and it sucks.

I know that feeling all to well....
and yet I have to keep telling myself that I would not be here today (be alive) if it was not for my DID.

((((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))) I felt/feel the same way at times. When I was first told I had DID, I rejected it full on. It took me years to even consider it and that was after I tried everything I knew to prove that it wasn't true.

Once I started trying to accept it though, I realized that it answered so many things. I had a lot of "Aha" moments after that. It made my entire life make so much more sense, even though it was hard.

The thing is, it is you. No matter how many barriers are in your brain, no matter how the brain is parted, it's all you. Awareness is so hard, I know. Some days I wish I never had begun this journey but in other ways, as painful as it can be, I'm glad I'm here.

Because awareness affects more than just us. It affects our children and how we react to them and others in our lives. For that, I'm thankful I have awareness. And that awareness will bring healing in time.

Hang in there earthmama. We're here and we care.

I ditto the quote above. I am just starting this journey i guess you call it. not fully accepting but not fully denying it either. i just want to be me. with out bad feelings or bad memories or what ever. just me. Im right there with you.

(((((((earthmama)))))))))

Diana

earth, like they all said, DID kept you alive. annoying as it is now, it was a gift that YOUR BRAIN was so creative that it was able to come up with a way to get through. now, looking at it is the only way out.

like w2h, it answered a lot when i finally accepted it. Mind, not all have accepted.... namely the former host. and life gets difficult when she is "in". I don't know what it will take for her to understand either.
anyway, just take it one day at a time.... breathe.... lean on those who have gone thru this before you.

What saved my life as a child screwed my life as an adult. I hate it and yet I would have destroyed myself if it were not for DID - or worse, they would have destroyed me!

I know that my life puts the D in dysfunctional, but as someone before me said, it is not just about me any more, it is about my children and my spouse and many others i care about - it is even about you here, Earthmama and so many others. I care about you all. Without DID, I would never have met any of you and you all are remarkable people for ALL of who you are.

I sometimes move in every direction, seemingly at once and it is as much down as up many days, weeks and longer. But, it is getting better; the more I've been able to accept what and who I am - even in the face of rejection and pain - the better I get.

Earthmama, I am sorry it is so hard now, hang on there, ok?

leslie and all

earthmama I feel the same so much of the time, my heart goes out to you.

Somehow this crept up on me too.. it was depression no, it was PTSD no.. its something else. I'd like it to have been something else because then "any" therapist could have helped me and I wouldn't have had to seek out a specialist and feel like a total freak.

But look - here are others who are similar if not the same, and they are all intelligent ,amazing people whose brains intervened to protect them from the craziness of their childhood so that now, as adults, we can work to put it back the way it should have been and finally have a chance to heal.

Well, that's what I keep telling myself. But I'm still half in denial and half in hiding from it all.

Big big hugs to you.

I saw a kids TV prog way back when I was trying to figure out what was going on. I think it was called Chalky and it was about a boy who was visited by an alien entity. This entity bombarded the kid with so many questions that he couldn’t sleep. When he finally told his dad, his dad suggested asking the entity to give him a break and let him rest. The boy did this and it worked.

Now as silly as it sounds I decided to try this with my voices (it was mainly voices back then and I thought it was everything from God to ghosts and spirits). I was on my own one day and things were quite bad, I was tired and not sleeping too well and becoming quite overwhelmed by it all when I decided to ask them to go away. This would be the first time I ever talked to them.

What happened next was very frightening. Nothing. Nothing happened. Silence. Nothing and silence. I had never experienced it before. I sat there rocking back and forth with tears pouring down my face. I felt alone. I felt completely alone for the first time in my life……. And I hated it!

I went into a panic because I thought it had all gone away and it was my fault. I thought this was it, it’s gone and I’m on my own. I struggled for two or three days with the most horrendous feeling of emptiness I have ever experienced. I was sure I was definitely cracking up this time.

Then it dawned on me, if I can ask them to go away, maybe I can ask them to come back. So I did. Nothing much seemed to happen but I did feel better. After a few days, and feeling much better, I began to get very curious about the whole thing and wondered if they were back or not. Then I got something like this..

made a promise… will never leave you.

Keep in mind that I still thought I was dealing with spirits and that I might be psychic. I’m not by the way. I think I can safely say that that was my awakening. Things improved a lot. I never talked to anyone about it but I was going to learn how to accept it and stay sane.

(( EM ))

I tried to PM you with my response to your response, lol, but it just sort of hung there and wouldn't go.

Anyway, you're welcome. I'm glad you found it helpful.

I want you to read it a bazillion-trillion times.

I will read it a gazillion times!