[beadlady29-old]

okay...........so now were back to being stupid and hating ourself big time!!!!!!
Eats words of last nite and swallows hard..........YUCKO!
anyone remember beads talking about telling bf that we is NOT going over to that mad house no more ( j and B's)?
well we IS.........didnt take her long to cave heh.
while mary did laundry today don and B went fishing..........make a liong story short their actuall catching fish as we trype this so guess what?!
supposed to go over to their house for a cook out and iffen beads wants to eat supper she kinda has ta go cuz aint no food in this house.......

we ARE hungry for some dumb reason grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

we was also told that there will be no yelling tonite because B had words with j about yelling at the kids....(again)
do they really expect us to believe that she will not be yelling before the nite is out?
just all the commotion of there being 3 tweens and a 8 year old boy that also do not wknow when to shut his mouth ( huh wonder whre he learned that from) is enuf to put beads head spinning into a whirlwind.......add the NOISE on top of it and

beads so mad at self for agreeing to go over there AGAIN..beads aklso angry that bf is daft enuf to expect her to after when we calmly explain to him last nite what going over there does to us......never gonna get it!
why do we give in so dadgum easily? what happened to your backbone?

dreading the near future........

mary

Please don't be mean to yourself. You're all doing the best you can with lots of conflicting co-existing thoughts and needs.

i wonder if there are small steps you can take. You've talked to bf about what this does to you. i imagine setting limits is very hard (cuz you're going when you don't want to) but just to mention it, can you think about telling the person that yells that it makes you uncomfortable? Do you have another way to get home if you feel you would like to leave? i'm just thinking if you can tell her the yelling upsets you and, while you're not trying to tell her how to raise her kids, you may need to leave if you get too upset by it, then she will be forewarned and you will be more free to take care of yourself. Just a thought hon. We just want you to be able to take care of your needs, knowing how hard that can be.

[beadlady29-old]

no we aint got no other way home....dont drive.........

but yeah, we prolly could tell her how we feels about her yelling iffen we cn muster up the courage

dadgum it know its in there somewhere but just like where?

but what iffen she yells at us?

beads

[beadlady29-old]

dadgum it too late.......looks like our carriage awaits

here we go.............

beads

PM'd you w/regards to above. Best wishes and strength. Yes, you have it in you but sometimes we can't access all that we are all the time. Please remember, you do what you can when you can and that's all any of us can do. You're A-OK as you are. Please also try to be as nice to yourself as you are to us. i do get it cuz i think and say one thing but may act differently toward myself.

[Miracle1986]

(((beads)))

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((Manda)))))))))))))
(((((((((((((MeSo))))))))))))))

despite all of don's reassurances that there would be no yelling, there was.....
dah............could of know that but nooooooooooooo!
after when j yelled right in her ear the panic attack started..........don did at least have the decency to bring her home in pretty short order.....
got home just in time for a AWFUL colitis attack,,,,,,,,,,,do ya reckon it could of been what we ate ( the words not the food, altho that prolly idd not help matters, .....onions and the like..) more like well yeah what we ate ( our words ) and the stress that came along with it.......
so we ask us was it worth it emphatically No it was not worth it to try and keep the peace.......
maybe, hopefully next time we will be abel to hold her ground

by the by...........so glad that there are some of yin out there what does GET IT!!!!!!!! couldn't make it with out the wonderful folk here at pc!!!!!!!!!

hates hates hates her stupid self and all the other selfs cuz aint got no backbone ........hard to find one when we dont unnerstand why it is that we DONT have one..does that even make sanse?

beads sends hugs out to ye all,

mary

Originally Posted by beadlady29

hates hates hates her stupid self and all the other selfs cuz aint got no backbone ........hard to find one when we dont unnerstand why it is that we DONT have one..does that even make sanse?

beads sends hugs out to ye all,

mary

Hey you~ease up on your sweet self. It makes a lot of sense why it's hard to not want to keep the peace. As a kid, i'm pretty sure that was how you tried to be safe.

When i was a kid, not even counting the SA and RA, i had to be on guard every single minute i was home because i never knew when i might be hit or kicked. My dad would expect one thing of me one time and something completely different another time. i could just be walking past him and get kicked in the behind. He'd give me a dirty look just because it was too loud for him when i chewed carrots with my mouth closed or my mouth made a sound when i drank pop from a bottle. When there wasn't a crazy reason, he'd make an opportunity cuz he didn't need a reason.

The thing is, there was absolutely NOTHING i could have done to prevent being beaten...but i still TRIED. i still paid careful attention to every nuance he emitted, every mood change, every word. So, you see, it makes perfect sense that you would try to keep the peace even when you didn't want to go over there. We become hypervigilent as a way to be safe, even when it's more than we need. That's not our fault. That's THEIR fault...our abusers' faults.

So be nice to you my friend. There's nothing spineless or stupid about you. You're doing the best you can under circumstances you should not have had to live. You're A-OK as you are and i'm gonna keep saying it til you believe it.

[Sannah]

Mary, I am so sorry that you had to go through that ...........

You went to eat didn't you not so much because you didn't have a backbone?

I am glad that Don brought you home. Was anything said between you 2 about the whole issue afterwards?

Can you go to the food bank again?

It sounds like Don did try to communicate to them not to be yelling so much? Families like this can't stop unless they get therapy. I guess he was really trying to convince you by saying that her husband talked to her about it?

(((((((Beads)))))))
I hear and understand.

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((((MeSo)))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((Sannah))))))))))))))

a......yeah sannah, bead went so her could have sumfin to eat NOT cuz we wanted to your right and we did not look at it that way till you pointed it out............like beads prolly would of declined if not for the fact to eat the fish that don caught.......at THEIR house grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
yeah,,,,,,,we is going to food pantry today......it is so embarassing to
go to these places but dunno what else to do need Sumfin to eats
and, yeah supposedly B talked to j a bout her yellin but it did not do much good even said sumfin while bead there but still no good and he yells too so do the kids all they know how to do is yell at each other and j Is starting therapy......not for her yelling tho for using drugs but hopefully they'll get to that issue eventually
Nancy (alter) tried to talk to don about all of this afterward...........did not really get any kind of a response as in no answer, nuthin, nada..........it dont
help matters when he does not answer us when we talk to him......like hullo
were trying to talk to you bout somehiting important dunno iffen ya even heared us?????sooooooooooo sick of THAT
yeah.....like keeping her mouth shut and/or doing what was expected of her or sked of her whether her wanted to do it or not was all a part of saying safe when we was younger. not that it did much good but we did try.
errrrrr..yeah we usually never knew when or where the next blow or the angry words were going to come from either.......and thanks for sharing all that you are so cool mEsO.......so anyway like remember times.....they put beads in this dance calss thing for handicap kids (hated it sucked rotten stinky foo foo eggs) and like had to put on a dumb show end of ever year so one year beads did awful and got home dad pushed her down the basement steps with the braces on her legs and crutches and all we went a tumbling downnnnnnnnn cuz did not do good enuf ( this was after he yell at her and lectured on way home in car about ...not TRYING hard enuf.was he daft!!!1111111 we alway give 100% everything we does ALWAYS)...stupid son of a siberian sapsucker!!!!!!! hates the stupid doctor what telled them to put her in this too because he said would make her legs grow rite.grrrrrrrrrrrrr......
nuthing beads ever did was ever good enuf for anybody and it hurt so bad.......the helluv it is were still not good enuf for anybody.thje only thing that her does good at all is her beadwork....everything else for s hit..........not good enuf for don nuthing ever is he always has a comment about weell you could of sor should of done this or that
F You.....dont anybody get it we are trying our best as hard as we possibly can and we is so sick and tired of not being good enuf for anybody
what is so wrong with us???????????? why wont someone just love beadys and accept us how we are?????!!!!!!!! are we THAT awful?????? is that asking so much?????????
mary

[Sannah]

Mary, I am going to write another reply in a minute but I just wanted to quickly give you a hug! I am teary right now because I am so touched by you and I just wanted to tell you that I love you just the way you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sannah]

Mary, I am so sorry that your dad treated you that way!!!!!!!! That was so totally unacceptable! I get the feeling that his own feelings of inadequacy motivated what he said and what he did.

What did you have braces for?

When Don doesn't talk back I think that he is listening don't you think? He isn't listening when he is talking all the time defending himself?

Men handle problems differently than woman. When Don is telling you how to fix something he probably thinks that he is helping. When men have a problem they want to fix it immediately or minimize it so that it really isn't a problem anymore. Woman just want to mostly talk about it first so that they can deal with the feelings of it. My husband used to do the same thing until I discussed this with him so now he doesn't rush to fix it anymore.

So Don probably triggers you by reminding you of your father sometimes?

I am glad that J is starting therapy.

Mary you are one of the sweetest human beings on this planet and you are one of my good friends here! I care about you a lot!

[beadlady29-old]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sannah}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks for hug, could use em about now!!!!
mary

[beadlady29-old]

Sannah said,
"What did you have braces for?"

here we go again........um sannah beads borned 2 and a half months early with twin sister on account a mom and dad goed to a party and dad wrecked the car on the way home ( he was drunker then a skunk) so anywaywe had serious developmental issues both physically and socially and mom absolutel hated us because of being slow at being able to do any thing...........all we ever heared was that marcia was supposed to live NOT mary sue.....SHE was the good and perfect one.......mary sue was the bad terrible slow one that mom did NOT want around she was an embarassment to her........
can remember the day she took off and in the weeks afterward did not know wheteher or not we should be glad or mad that she left ( we was 9 ) sorry for rambling

When Don doesn't talk back I think that he is listening don't you think? He isn't listening when he is talking all the time defending himself?

how do you know wheter or not someone hears what you say when they do not answer you??? beads hates when he does this! he's another one that think he can do no wrong and we is alway always worng!

So Don probably triggers you by reminding you of your father sometimes?

errrrrrrr yeah never really thunked about it before but yes, he does trigger memories to flood her brain sometimes when he act like this

thanks Sannah so much..............you is so unnerstands and helpful.........
and ditto on the good freind thing! ( can you tell we dont take compliments well? not used to hearing nice things about beads )
send hugs,
xxx
beads

[Sannah]

How often does Don not say anything after you explain something and how often does he defend himself? Or does he only defend himself when you are talking about him and not say anything when you are talking about yourself? Does he look like he is listening?

I am glad that you told me more about yourself Mary! I am sorry that your mom responded that way . You deserved much better than that.

Are you close to your twin?

[multipixie9]

dear beads,

so sorry things are that bad right now, it is NOT your fault. me and my pixies have been in counseling for 14 years and we are just now re-finding our backbone.

mary, if i had tried to use my "backbone" as a kid they might have killed me. they would have beaten me more and done more cruel things. i was the youngest and i had NO power at all. SO surviving was the best and strongest thing i could do and I DID IT and SO DID YOU. survival is everything sweetie.

my spouse is like your don in that he doesn't listen and doesn't want to know how i feel or how i am. so i am learning to let God love me and help me and "emotionally" divorce myself from the guy i married when he is being cold, distant or unkind.

i am sorry things are so difficult for you and your alters. it is NOT your fault.

my mom told me she used 3 forms of birth control trying not to have any more kids and she got me and was not happy about that at all. she went through the sra stuff too and was totally messed up and very abusive and angry. growing up with those people was terrible many times - but i survived and bit by bit I AM healing.

my backbone is straightening up and getting stronger as my emotions heal and i find the truth that God loves me and THERE IS NO ONE BETTER THAN ME. that is not meant to be a prideful remark, it is the truth that God considers me as good as anyone else. it is time now for me to own the truth that i matter and i have value and i am on the earth for a good reason and bead/mary so are you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am having a good week and i wish i could send the good to you through cyberspace. i wish i could share the joy and peace i have today. many times i've written in when i felt despair and did not see how i was going to make it and i am ok now, for today and i believe that healing can come to you too, i pray that it will come and you will rediscover your backbone and find some healing and peace. gentle hugs sweetie,

leslie and her pixies

[beadlady29-old]

How often does Don not say anything after you explain something and how often does he defend himself? Or does he only defend himself when you are talking about him and not say anything when you are talking about yourself? Does he look like he is listening?

he not says anything more offen then he defends hisself..........he mostly does not say anything when beads tells him saumfin about herself ( usually after when he has asked her a question go figure) how she feels about someting happeing either now or in the past...but he also sometimes when she complains about something he ahs done or not done dont answer her either.........and he dont even look at us when we talks to him si woiuld say that no, he dont look like he's lissening

and no were not close to twin.........she's dead..........and beads dont even know or never will know now what happened to her or when she died beyond before we could really remember her.......no one in family would ever tell her and now its too late cuz dad is dead mom aint never heared from again since she took off when we was 9 dont care to ehar from her anyway so recknmo that's moot but...........beads very suspicious about what ever happened to marcia but we remembers seeing her gravemarker they took us to see it when grandpa died like beads was prolly in second or third grade dont remember that much either.dontremember date it said she died on

just ermembers hearing how PERFECT marcia (twin) was and would always of been and how imperfect and evil we would always be.

and there are no emotions attatched to that as we typoe this...its just like information with nuthing attatched

maybe we really ARE.............

xxx
beads

[beadlady29-old]

my mom told me she used 3 forms of birth control trying not to have any more kids and she got me and was not happy about that at all. she went through the sra stuff too and was totally messed up and very abusive and angry. growing up with those people was terrible many times - but i survived and bit by bit I AM healing.

so sorry that u had to experience and go thru this kinda stuff too!!!!!!!!

than you so much for th thoughtful post leslie,,,,,,,we is glad you and al the pixies is healing and finding backbone.......

maybe someday like you say beads will get there too

thanks also for the prayers and hugs.we needs them rite now for sure!
sending some back your direction as well,

marsidotz

Originally Posted by beadlady29

maybe we really ARE.............

xxx
beads

Nuh-uh! You are GOOD! MeSo sorry for all that you have endured. Wishing i could hug you in real life, want to so bad. Hard to explain--tears at your pain. You deserve so much better than what you have gotten...don't know why we got what we got. No more words right now but hugs, love, hugs, bead, beads, beadsy, mary of beads, Nancy, marsidotz and et. al.

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((MeSo))))))))))
thank you so much,

and bead is sending thoughts of comfort and peace your way as well,

hugs you back too!
xxx
marsidotz

[Sannah]

[beadlady29-old]

beads tells you sannah thanks for the hugs.........
also we feels actually calm thismorning not much noise in her head,
and we actually slept a couple hours last nite
cool beans heh!
so lke were thinking maybe this getting stuff outta her system here really IS a good thing
thanks so much for all of your support encouragement and the way you is able to sort stuff out and make things make sense!
me gotsa write bills out for the month today grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
she hates doing this but is the only one who can grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

mary

[Sannah]

Mary, I am soooooooooooooooooo happy that you feel better!!!!!!!!! Yes, getting this stuff out where you can examine it and understand it is the way to go! Making sense out of the chaos is sooooo healing.

You have fun writing those bills!!!!!

[beadlady29-old]

So Don probably triggers you by reminding you of your father sometimes?

how in the world did mary miss that important question and the issues that it raised??????????
Sannah we never eally connected don's attitude and stuff with dad's.....maybe that is why we get so angry at him that we just wanna....ooh
like knowck him upside the head or sumthing......
omg like dad did us!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh sannah we doesn't even wanna think like that stupid son of a siberian sapscuking jass-ack did much less do anything that remotely resembles anything he did and that includes getting angry!!!!!!!!!
what does we do with all of this??


mary susan