The end ....

Well, I said I came back here with different issues and boy those issues flared this morning. Before my husband found out he had cancer I was going to leave, said I'd take the blame, his family well, his mother think I'm always wrong anyway.

Now we said we were going to try again and I know he has had a terrible few weeks, my issues didn't go away during those weeks, if they did they would be gone forever right? If we could pick and chose -

I am totally overwhelmed with all the responsibility right now, but no matter how I TRY and tell him this, bearing in mind Ive had NO therapy for two weeks HE HAS HAD CANCER and it stops there.

When I told him I couldn't live this way any longer before the cancer he wasn't going to fight to keep our relationship, basically he culdn't have cared less.

So now I'm saying we're supposed to be changing, growing together again da de da and still no I love you;s cuddles, hugs at night ... He is confident in body and mind, I have major issues though I'm working on them. I can't live this way - totallyu overwhelmed, sad, angry and so glad I have therapy later. I'm a mess today. If I leave I'm wrong ... if I stay I'm being a martyr in his words .... I just about give up ..... call me selfish, but all I'm asking for is love and affection, is that so damned hard? Why is it that whatever I do I'm so wrong?

Please don't anyone say 'well he's probably still feeling rough' - yes I know that, but so am I, depression, PTSD, BORDERLINE, ANXIETY is invisible to the ignorant ..... I'm sorry, I've just had it today. Ophelia

Also if I leave he can't drive yet, we are only just getting the money sorted for help with rent/bills etc ..... I feel totally trapped, up the creek without a paddle ... etc.

It's my firm belief that anything except abuse can be worked out. But that requires 100% effort from both of you. If you are telling him what you need out of this relationship and he's not willing to try to give you those things then it's really out of your hands.

It's been my experience that when something cataclysmic happens (cancer, death in the family etc) we take stock in our life and determine what the truly important things in life are and cling to those things and overlook those small irritating things that would otherwise make us crazy... at least for a while. Once the crisis is being managed reality sets in once again, but hopefully you take the lesson of what's important to you with you.

Some people have a great deal of trouble showing affection. He's been through a lot has he concidered therapy to work on his issues?

you said ((HE HAS HAD CANCER and it stops there. ))) Being from a family that has gone threw cancer it does not stop there. Lympnode glads are checked , because it was malignant he will have to be checked every 6 mths , then go to a year, till he reaches his 5 year mark. Its a very hard thing for everyone to go threw. Even when its caught early.
I would expect he can not cuddle right now due to pain from the surgery. Everything has to heal and things inside of him will move around so to speak,.
Im glad you are seeing your T today. Hope that goes well for you.
I know here there are cancer support groups that help both him and you.
I wish you all well.

Muffy when I said it stops there I didn't mean literally his problems stop there ... he has to have check ups 6 monthly, for 5 years like you say, it's not just about the cuddling, I feel selfish enough already to be honest posting this because it makes me look hard and uncaring but I'm not

There has been so much going on this year, all bad for us both, repossession of the house, gran dying, going bankrupt, nearly deparating and then cancer and an ovary op earlier ....

I went to see my therapist and nearly got carted off to hospital, I dont remember a lot of the session as I dissociated quite badl and was out of control as I have been all day. My therapist assured me I'm not selfish, Tony goes into numb mode, freezes, I am the opposite. She explained why he acts the way he does and the way I do and I felt better. Please don't think I'm hard and unloving I'm the total opposite and today I cant take care of myself therefore I was mean when I wrote this post. You know, I've struggled through 4 weeks being a grown up and struggled to make sure everyone is ok really i have and Tony did say he wouldn't fight to save the marriage which upset me a lot. Today my therapist made sure I was grounded enough to drive home and gave me the cuddle i needed and is going to call tomorrow. I've done my best and I've looked after tony every day. I love him so much and it just hurts that sometimes he doesn't return that, but he is different to me is all. Seeing him go thru what he has just took it all out of me, out of all of us. I have been with him 23 years, i'll always love him and be scared for him, but I'm not an unkind person, just maybe a bit too needy specially today. It's all been too much is all.
((((((((((((muffy))))))))))

Sorry(((((( AAAA))))))) i didn't mean not to answer you ... he flatly refuses therapy, even though he says when I'm qualified I can sort his head out .... like you say that part is out of my hands. thank you for your support xx

Wouldn't it be nice if you would be able to sort things out for him once you're qualified. My daughter is a Psych major, recently inducted into Psi Chi (I'm beaming of course) but as you know there are issues that a third party must sort out. We just cannot be objective with loved ones. I know he probably made the statement tongue in cheek but if he's not willing to do the work, this situation truly is out of your hands, he's made it for you.

Gosh you must be so proud of her .

When I came home today I think Tony realised how much I've struggled (I'm in no way saying he hasn't because he's been really scared and poorly). The trouble with anxiety and all the crap that goes with it just doesn't go away when someone else is ill, it heightens things because you have to carry on and i DID carry on and just forgot to take self care. He gave me a massive cuddle and promised we'd be ok, it will just take time, so then I felt secure again and had hope. My T told me to sleep as Tony and I are both exhausted after everything, so I did and I feel better but a bit foggy. I have to learn that not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve like me, Tony is the exact opposite and numbs out. His mother was very controlling and my T HAS EXPLAINED A LOT ABOUT FAMILY DYNAMICS ...oops sorry for the caps ...

anxiety meds I'm afraid ....

So I respect that he wont go to therapy, I have to respect that, his family are all the same, they wont talk to strangers about stuff. I just have to try and work this out in my head if the marriage can work or not .... and talk obviously to him. 23 years is so long, but therapy changes people and maybe it's me who has grown (though it doesn't seem like it right now). We'll see, thank you for listening to me today, it means so much, Ophelia xxx

Gosh isn't life just one long whirlwind? One day can completely be changed by words or events ...

Today Tony cuddled me and told me how much he loved me and wanted to make this marriage work. He says he feels differently now he has had cancer, that before we were leading two separate lives and now, because I was texting him in hospital and nursing him and being there everyday he realises just how much he loves me, that this illness has changed everything, he was tearful which is so rare for him . I know this will take some trying, because seriously it's been bad for so long, but maybe it will work, he knows that I need lots of affection, I know he isn't the demonstrative type, but maybe if we both try hard it will work . I so didn't want to throw away 23 years . I just needed to hear that he still loved me because I really didn't think he did ..... and it's been that way for the last 5 years but we somehow just existed. Please, I would love positive thoughts if that's ok to ask? I'm not particularly religeous, I believe in spirit .... that there is a higher being .... but not Christianity.

Thank you. It feels kind of strange, after so much happening this year, to actually hear him saying he still loves and wants me (happy tears)

It's such a small thing, just hearing I love you, but it brought the sun out full blast and the angels singing. I know I'm nuts .... but it's just all I've ever wanted K xxx*long, drawn out relieved sigh .......... thank you for listening .......