Newly separated..and lost

Hello all,

I just became separated from my wife of 5 years. It seems that we've been having problems for the past couple of years and I chose not to listen. We fought mostly about my negative attitude about life and how it wasn't good enough for me. I wanted more. She stuck by me and even told me she was depressed about this, but for some reason I didn't listen. When we got into a fight, I would apologize and swear I would never act that way again, and about 3-5 months later, it was happen all over. She has tried to leave me once, but we reconciled and I promised again that if we got to this point one more time, I would file the divorce papers. Well, it happened again. About 6 months ago, we both seemed like we were fed up with each other and I think the only reason we stuck around was because we have 2 children together. She moved out in December and it looked like everything was going fine, but we were still living a fake life. I would go over there almost every night, cuddle and give kisses. We still say we love each other and no matter what, we will be friends. I am working with a counselor to help me figure out what I can do to change my negative feelings to better myself, if not to fix this marriage, then to fix a future relationship so this doesn't happen again. Today seemed like a horrible day. I woke up feeling absolutely sad and lost. It felt like my heart broke in two and there was no reason for this. I spoke to my wife and she wants to keep this into a more separation than a role of her living somwhere else, which means no more coming over, just to pick up the kids for my scheduled days. Divorce was mentioned before, but now it's more like let's see how this plays out. It is very hard to think that my marriage could be over. I am very lonely at my house that was once filled with laughter and kids yelling, now is completly quiet. I keep on telling myself that there's a chance, however small, this can work and it keeps me going to become the husband she deserved. I know it's only been a month since she left, but it feels like an eternity.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and just wanted to let you know that I found the more I write the better/easier any situation seems to be
Therapy is a great start, as is working on you first. If you do both really love each other then there is always hope that you can work through this.

I don't have any help to offer you. Just the assurance that you're not alone.

(((lonely52)))

I can understand how you're feeling. It is hard & complicated with children. In my personal experience, I've noticed our children much more accepting of the divorce than I have ever been. It took a long time for me to accept my marriage to be over ~ a good year after separation began. I still struggle with the realities in my life at times. But, my fear of screwing up my girls anymore than I may have already is what motivates me to continue to try doing my best. That's all I can do. Sometimes it isn't enough for me, and those are my very low points.

Exercise helps me avoid major depression overriding my life. I've also picked up activities to enjoy (alone and with others) ~ baking, fishing, watching team sports, nature, word search puzzles, etc. Keeping myself busy does help a lot. I highly recommend it!

Very best wishes to you. I hope that the misery subsides as you develop healthy ways to spend your free time. Take care!

I am going through a similar situation; it's been almost three months for me in my empty house. I don't really have any good advice since I am searching, but there has to be something for us, right? I wish you the best with whatever may come.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/a.../legal_sep.htm

our storys are mirrored, i had been with my ex for 5+ years and thanksgiving weekend last year she broke up with me, i tried frantically to reconcile with her, and ive gotten no where, shes tells me she needs space and time, and she loves me but isnt IN love with me, that she wants to enjoy life for a while, date, and have fun, i mean while am feeling depressed and hurt and lonely, i have a co-worker i been hanging out with and shes great but i feel no spark, i see sparkle in her eyes and i dont want to hurt her, which is adding to my confusion, so point is you're not alone, hang in there, hope for gods will, sometimes unanswered prayers are gods gift to you, he will close one door to you but to also open another, ive learning that now,

I got a divorce after 36 years of abuse. Life is all about a choice. WIth your therapists assistance, you can make a change in your behavior.

There IS a chance if you can prove to your wife you have changed. It takes time and she has to trust you.

Sincerely, Sharon

ALL'S I KNOW, NO MATTER HOW LONG/SHORT, IT HURTS AND HEALING ISNT EASY. BEING LIED TOO AND CHEATED ON IS NOT GOOD. THE WORST PART IS LOSING UR KIDS TO THIS MESS. NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GO SO FAR!!! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME/LIFE. ITS REALLY . JUST DONT DROWN IN UR FEELINGS. THERES ALOT OF SINGLE AND LONELY PEOPLE OUT THERE FEELING THE SAME WAY, JUST LIKE US.

Do you know what each others Emotional Needs are? Its just as vital for her to meet your EN as it is for you to meet hers. I see hope in that neither one of you has filed for divorce. I dont believe in divorce unless there is serious emotional or physical abuse. Your in therapy, do the work you need to do to change your behavior and show her through your actions that you are changing. Good luck.

Sir have a read of 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Infact buy two books and ask your wife if she is willing to focus on the themes of the book TOGETHER with you. Both of you make a commitment to focussing on JUST THE CHAPTERS of the book. Both keep a journal of eachother's reactions, revelations and reflect them with eachother.

You are male. Emotional turmoil is an unusual territory to move into when there is no guiding Captain moving your rudder into SAFE WATERS. Generally women are very good in this emotional territory. Often receptive wives are able to be the Captain of the guiding rudder into SAFE WATERS.

Don't get me wrong. Men do have emotions but they have not had the training from their mothers or their fathers to learn to navigate through them. If you have sons, they are watching the man in you. If you have daughters they are watching the father of children and the husband in you.

A credit to her. She is trying.
A credit to you. You are living in HOPE.

Someone said to me once or I read it somewhere......
There is three in a marriage. Husband+wife+marriage=Relationship
They had suggested "If Marriage was a being and could talk to you.... What would it say?" Ask yourself and your wife to ask the Marriage Being and compare answers. Your answers may surprise you both.

Draw the answer in pictures or glue pictures from a magazine if need be.

Hang in there. Separation is a time of GREAT REFLECTION. Do not be to rash or harsh on yourself. Your emotional wounds and scars need to be tended. By the way your changes are not a chemical hormonal imbalance. 52 (guessing your age) that needs acupuncture or vitamins or hormone replacement? Check the Biological stuff if you haven't already.

Hugs to you, your wife and your children.