an endless cycle

I am now going through my third separation. This is my first marriage. Emotionally, sometimes I feel like I still love her and would take her back. Intellectually, I must be a complete idiot if I even entertain the idea. That is because my wife has manipulated things and seems to typically criticize what I'm doing. On the other hand, she has seemed uncapable of showing affection. When I've needed her support, she usually either doesn't know how, isn't capable of empathy and compassion. I know I'm not perfect. My struggles have hurt our soon to be over marriage as have hers. We both suffer from depression. However, even with the knowledge she does, she can't even empathize with depression. She has this, "get over it" attitude. She becomes furious whenever she concludes I'm avoiding a social situation. It's just not right. I mean, it's like me getting mad at her for not doing more physical things around the house because of her back and knee pain. I have tried so hard to be supportive and help her in any way. I almost think that in some way, by being mr. nice guy, women get bored of me. She is like two different people. One is reasonable, loving, and supportive like when we first married. The other is as warm as absolute zero "degrees".

Conversely, I'm not easy to live with either. I'm sure I've taken her for granted. It's just hard when you are being romantic and she gets irritated about you being romantic. I can see why she gets frustrated with the fact that my ADD causes me to forget things, procrastinate, and sometimes not be able to stay focussed on listenning to her. I can see why that would make her feel unimportant. Maybe I'm just not likeable...or at least maybe it's just better to make a lot of friends and never get married again. Unlike her, I had taken "divorce and "separation" out of my vocabulary. I have changed in so many ways which she has noticed but soon forgets. She says she wants a divorce because "things aren't ever going to change" which sounds like boredom or not being able to see the positive things about our marriage. I now live in what was our apartment. She has moved in with her mom. I feel like such a fool for believing that a marriage for me would last. It seems like all institutions including marriage are just falling apart.

Anyway, thanks to anybody who took the time to read this.

ShadowWraith.....When a person loves you...they are supportive,that even applies to being very gentle with the get over it part.There isn't a get over it button to press.We get through.We find ways to cope more effectively....and when a person loves you they can tell you some clear truths in a manner that supports and encourages positive growth.Criticizing your romantic efforts is a very deep sting.I can't see where that can come from a loving stance.If a person or lover per se is dissatisfied with that aspect...it can be communicated in a gentle even fun way.That's loving.If you criticize a mans romantic efforts ...wow...I just think that's cruel.Romance improves via communication...and trust.Being social....well that's a hard one.I have friends who are and those who aren't .It has never crossed my mind to ***** about it lol...You ARE likable.One person does not define your value among the masses of all other people.I find you likable for the following reasons...(and based only on your post).One....you are introspective.two,you weigh and care for whether her feelings are warranted or not.The entire thing may boil down to being mismatched ...only one person giving a sh;;...lack of the ability to empathically concern herself with your personal struggles...ect.I dont discount that she may have warranted feelings and opinions.But lets face it....If she were a kind hearted person...would she not tell you in a constructive manner and not tear your confidence to shreds?...Sorry my aunt use to be emotionally abusive to uncle and sons g.f was to him.I hate women that tear a mans ego to shreds.You catch bees with honey lol....~WOolf~

In my opinion I believe that a person can love you, and still treat you the way that your wife does. Maybe her parents never modeled a healthy way to love, you have acknowledged that you have issues in this area as well. Have you both considered individual, as well as couples counseling?

**** man, I have gone around the mountain a few times with my wife, and what I learned is this; pointing the finger does not work, you only have 3 pointing back at you. Focus on what you can change, which is you. Treat your wife like gold, and see if she doesnt reciprocate.

You guys are probably in a rut, and are used to abusing each other. You are going to have to do something different, and keep making changes even if you dont see her trying as hard as you want her to.

Look at it this way, if you dont make the changes on you now, you will repeat this in your next relationship. This is a great opportunity for you both to grow. I wish you well.

Thank you wolfsong for being so nice and empathic. It sounds like you have a good grasp on my situation and how I feel. I appreciate the compliments.

Jenkins, I agree with almost everything you said. I am far from perfect. I know I am a hard person to live with. Almost in any separation or divorce, there really isn't one person to blame. If I came across as sounding unfair to her, I didn't mean it to sound that way. That is one of the flaws I have. Especially in a confrontation with her, I get nervous and have trouble trying to articulate what I want to say. I can be very good at listening skills, looking at her point of view, staying calm, etc. However, I tend to slip back into autopilot if I am confronted in an aggressive way. Then I feel like getting away because I can't say what I mean. Even when I can do those things and say "we" could work on things, she starts getting defensive and thinking I'm attacking her. Most of the time, until the last couple of months we were together, she would be very rational but once or twice a month, she would just get furious for no apparent reason. She also has an addiction to spending. She admits that but then later she gets mad because we don't have any money. Then she runs back to her mother after saying, "nothing is ever going to change". Ugh

Anyway, going back to me. Besides not the most articulate person when she confronts me, I will say something that in my mind means one thing but it is said in such a way that it can be misconstrued. Gotta love ADD. Besides that, my constant low level depression leads her to think I haven't been happy with her. I have told her I've always been that way to some extent, and that I was much happier with her than without her. I no longer feel that way. This being the third time she has left me during a hard time in my life. One time it was because she was frustrated with me because it took me so long to finish my Master's thesis. My ADD and depression certainly made it hard to complete it. I take responsibility for that. However, I don't recall a single time she was supportive about it. Instead of saying something loving like "I believe you can do it.", she said, "You are never going to finish your thesis." Now during this separation, she became angry with me because I was down about my mother moving across the country. She can't go a day without seeing or talking to her mother. I don't talk to my mother every day but it still has been hard not having her around at all.

Anyway, this is a lot longer than I meant it to be which goes back to another flaw. I'm very "wordy". Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this. It's good to be able to vent or express how I feel. As far as being understanding, she suffers from chronic back pain which she takes narcotic pain killers for. She has became morbidly obese the last few years. Before I met her she had to have a gastric bypass surgery or she would have died or gone blind from a "pseudo cerebri tumor". I figure it's her depression, pain, and perhaps a problem with her brain that makes it really hard to stop eating junk food. It is just really hard seeing someone harm themself like that. I haven't been superficial in that I have told her she is beautiful and I really feel that way. Anyway, I have to head to bed.

Shadow Wraith, are you still hoping to somehow stay together with your wife? Or have you definitely decided to get divorced? There seem to be so many problems you have described that it is overwhelming! Personally, I would not be able to sort out so many issues on my own, no matter how hard I tried. If it were me, I would go to a good couples therapist and lay it all in front of the counselor and see what he/she could suggest. It seems very complicated, but perhaps a really skilled therapist could pick a path through it all that the two of you could take to untangle your relationship and get back to why you liked and loved each other in the first place.

Good luck.

I do love my wife. I'm sure part of me always will. She refuses to go to therapy. I feel as though, I have tried my best to make her happy. I have changed in many ways. I've never left her. I just don't think I have anything in me any more. How can I trust someone who promises that she is going to be committed to our relationship and to making it work. I can't do this alone. I can't make someone change. She seems to think she is going to be happier on her own. The first couple of times it hurt so much when we separated. This time, I'm so numb to it that I usually don't feel a lot of anything. I guess I want to rediscover who I was. She is probably doing me a favor. It is toxic for me to have someone who seems to take out her emotional pain on me by criticizing so many things.

Hello Shadow Wraith,

If you change any more your parents and friends won't recognise you. Changing things isn't the sole responsibility of one person in a marriage. And it is not even about the person changing but the behaviour changing that is the issue.

Your wife sounds like the kind of person whom if treated like gold would only have more excuse to treat you like the dirt from which the gold emerged.

Sure you will love her, you have shared a lot together. But you can flog a dead horse all you want to, it isn't going to get up and walk around or do anything else you want it to, is it?

Be thankful you are getting out before there are any children to think about. That would make things so much more complicated and it would be so hard on them.

I think you are doing the right thing

Shadow wraith,
My story is similiar to yours, and my wife behaved similarly as well, speaking to her mother everyday and at the first sign of trouble used to go back to her mothers, I live in England and she came over to India to pursue higher studies and we did not meet eachother these 2 years and now she is demanding divorce, we hardly lived 6 monts together. some women are mad, i have done some mistakes in the first few days of marriage and she keeps on reminding me about them and makes me feel like S*^t, i am still begging her to reconsider her decision and have stooped to the lowest level, but she seems adamant.

Sadly they have to be accepted.
They want out means they want out.
It takes time to get over it, but sharing like this helps.