[Hazel Glitter]

It has been a while since I have been on here but I have started having issues again (or maybe they were just hiding).

I have what some people would call an emotionally abusive spouse. Not so much towards me but to my daughter. I have been talking to my ex on and off the entire time I have been with my husband and I do love him but I am married. I don't know whether to leave or stay. My husband would divorce me if he found out I have been talking to my ex still. I can't and don't want to stop talking to my ex and my husband doesn't deserve to be lied to. I have a two year old and a six year old that I am trying to stay there for but still can't help wanting to be with my ex. I shouldn't have gotten married but I did and know I don't know what to do and I know someone is going to get hurt. I feel like I have hit a dead end. I need some direction.

Additional background info can be found on my previous posts.

[sunrise]

Which of the two men is the father of your children?

[miniapple]

You need to answer these questions honestly and to yourself:

1. If there were no ex or children in your life, would you want to leave your husband?
2. Why did the relationship end with your ex?
3. Why shouldn't you have gotten married? is it because you married the wrong man or is it because you don't like to be tied down?

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Which of the two men is the father of your children?

My husband.

[sunrise]

I think you should put the relationship with your ex on hold and deal with your current relationship first. I think your ex is clouding the picture. Do you want to stay married to your husband? You have two small children together. That can be motivating to stay together. You said you love your current husband. If you love him, why don't you want to stay with him? Have you considered marriage counseling?

[lexie86]

The fact that your husband is being emotionally abusive to your daughter, who i take it is the six year old, because if its the two year old then ekk i like how alot of people focused on the ex, which if your still talking to him and want to be with him then your not being honestwith yourself or your husband, you guys are only talking as well which shows the strenght of your connection. if you had doubts about your current husband when you married him then that is to me a red flag, oh and never stay in a relationship if someone is being abused especially the child, or if the children have to witness him abusing you in any form. And of course you are going to love your husband, but there are many forms of love.
you said that you wished you did nto marry him, and that you are only staying for the kids, you know what you want to do, its the hurting someone that your scared about because someone is going to hurt and if you guys separate your going to be hurt to, but grieve and move on. it will take awhile but if its the right thing to do it will get better, and if you do decide that you want to stay with your husband then put your foot down that his behaviour towards your duaghter is not going to be tolerated as emotional abuse is at times worse then physical.

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think you should put the relationship with your ex on hold and deal with your current relationship first. I think your ex is clouding the picture. Do you want to stay married to your husband? You have two small children together. That can be motivating to stay together. You said you love your current husband. If you love him, why don't you want to stay with him? Have you considered marriage counseling?

I have looked into marriage counseling and individual counseling. He says he is not abusive when I know for a fact he is. He constantly yells and makes threats and is just consistently hostile. He is more of all those things to my daughter (not biologically his) than he is to our son together or me. Everything they do wrong deserves a spanking and has harsh threats along with it. I feel as though I am loosing my mind. For example, my daughter has a chore every morning and night to clean out the litter box and feed our kitten. One evening she sat down to eat dinner and he asked her if she had taken care of the cat. She said "no sir". He got upset with her and said that next time he catches her eating before the cat gets fed he is going to make her go without dinner. If I try to intervene and tell him that is not appropriate to say he tells me to be quiet. If they run in the house he tells them he is going to break their legs. If my daughter starts crying over her feelings getting hurt about something he tells her to "dry it up" and if she doesn't stop crying he will give her something to cry about and if I try to go comfort her about what she was crying over in the first place, he gets pissed off with me for "babying her". She is 7 years old. Our son is 2.

I do love him but it is more of a love because I have been with him for 5 years. I married him because I felt rejected over my ex not saying he loved me when I thought he should and I thought my husband would. I don't even know at this point if I want to stay married or not. I am scared of being on my own. I am scared that if we divorce then the children would still have to be around him by themselves with me not there to protect them. Then what happens if he gets with a woman like is ex's were (physically abusive and alcoholics) and then my children have to be in that environment?

[Hazel Glitter]

Who are you refering to has the good connection? Me and my husband? Or me and my ex?

[lexie86]

Originally Posted by Hazel Glitter

Who are you refering to has the good connection? Me and my husband? Or me and my ex?

I think you an your ex seem to have a good connection, and your husband seems like an ***, plus you did not marry him for the right reasosn and it will only get worse.

leave your husband if that is what you want, but i know how hard it will be especially considering your son will still have to see him, but he seems like he is really good with him. Because your daughter is not his then she wont have to have nothing to do with him, which will do wodners for her self esteem. Remember you are a mother first and for most you protect your kids!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Hazel Glitter

I have looked into marriage counseling and individual counseling.

Great. Are you going to be starting soon? I think your counselor could help you learn to stand up to your husband. It is damaging to your daughter not only how your H is treating her but to see her mother stand by and do nothing. That is what my therapist helped me see about my own behavior with my ex-husband. He helped me understand that not only did I have to fix the abuse problem in the family (from my ex-husband) but I had to do some serious work with my children to make amends for not having protected them.

It sounds like this marriage is in serious trouble and your children are suffering. A therapist will help you learn to stand up to your husband. "He tells me to be quiet" is not a reason to stop trying to protect your children. Another way to fix the situation is to leave your husband and get your children away from him. I hope you will see a therapist.

[IrishRed]

Originally Posted by Hazel Glitter

He says he is not abusive when I know for a fact he is. He constantly yells and makes threats and is just consistently hostile. He is more of all those things to my daughter (not biologically his) than he is to our son together or me. Everything they do wrong deserves a spanking and has harsh threats along with it. ... if she doesn't stop crying he will give her something to cry about and if I try to go comfort her about what she was crying over in the first place, he gets pissed off with me for "babying her". She is 7 years old. Our son is 2.

OMG!

I am new to this forum and came to get a better understanding of what is going on in my relationship and what to do about it - although to be honest, I KNOW the answer to both questions already.

Hazel Glitter I pray you are following this thread or at least checking in ... the situation you've described mirrors my relationship/life - it began fourteen years ago. *[I brought my 7 year old son into the relationship and my husband & I have no other children.]

My husband treated (treats) my son that way. Nothing he does deserves any merit what so ever. There's always something bad, something that wasn't done right or, when those excuses won't work then my son only did well because "hes after something" "he wants something from you". If he tried really hard and got 3 of 4 things done well husband ignores the good work & focuses on the 4th, that wasn't done. He'd totally ignore him at the dinner table when he spoke or asked questions - we no longer eat together once my son found his teenage voice he said he didn't want to eat at the table.

I tried everything to work with my husband, all wrong apparently, I even offered to go to family counseling to learn what I WAS DOING WRONG if he would come with me. ~Not!!~ He didn't need some shrink telling him how to raise a kid.

Things continued and often got worse, much worse. It would take pages to recount it all. I've often wondered about a marriage so young that had so many bad/sad memories and few good ones.

I went from a loving, giving, carefree person with a great job & a loving, outgoing son to a woman who left her job of 23 yrs depleted due to chronic pain & perpetual stress. I battle depression often, I carry anxiety everyday, I see a therapist and (joy, joy) am on a cocktail of drugs just to deal with the challenges of what has become my daily life . The constant battles & fights used to distroy me - I could barely function afterwards I was so wounded and confused as to 'how to fix things'. I'm virtually numb now. I don't (often) try to fix or even discuss things anymore. *An aspect my husband has noticed and uses against me now ... 'you don't even try anymore' ~ he's right, I've lost my will ~ period.

My biggest concern is my son (I can/will recover). Now 21 he essentially lives in his room - he chose not to go to college and doesn't look for or hold jobs long. When he recieves positive feedback he excels - minimal criticism and he shuts down. If you ask me, he's depressed and his self-assurance/esteem is extremely fragile if it exists at all. Sadly he often relays the same/similar negative, caustic opinions that his step-father does - at times directed at himself. He is very defensive and sees most everything as a criticism. Wonder why!! Offers (demands?) to have him go see/talk with someone are met with 'thats a waste of time; 'what do they know' ... where have I heard this before!

HazelGlitter I am telling you all this because you need to protect your daughter, son & yourself. Growing up in a 'home' full of negativity & ARGUMENTS will destroy all of you slowly but surely. The children are at the greatest risk, your daughter certainly but also your son. Even though he is not often the recipient of the critism & threats he has to live in the environment. As for yourself, your personality & relationship with your husband will change, the frequency of arguments will increase, your willingness to resolve/mitigate problems will lessen and resentment will grow.

I know I am projecting my story on to you but some effects are inveitable. As for me, now that I'm no longer working and husband's retired I tend to live in my room as well. Husband moved into other room abt. 1 1/2 yrs ago. For the most part I no longer miss the contact.

Why do I stay? That's partially why I'm here reading ... as I said, I believe I know. The question is how do I work through/around my issues. BTW, even though I dislike being 'alone' another relationship is the last thing on my mind! My ability to sustain myself financially is of foremost concern.

Pls consider what I've written here ... the toll negativity has taken on my life is immeasurable, the effect it has had on my son is criminal. Don't let this happen to your children or yourself.

I wish you lots of support, strength, and courage in whatever path you take.

~ Irish

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by IrishRed

OMG!

I am new to this forum and came to get a better understanding of what is going on in my relationship and what to do about it - although to be honest, I KNOW the answer to both questions already.

Hazel Glitter I pray you are following this thread or at least checking in ... the situation you've described mirrors my relationship/life - it began fourteen years ago. *[I brought my 7 year old son into the relationship and my husband & I have no other children.]

My husband treated (treats) my son that way. Nothing he does deserves any merit what so ever. There's always something bad, something that wasn't done right or, when those excuses won't work then my son only did well because "hes after something" "he wants something from you". If he tried really hard and got 3 of 4 things done well husband ignores the good work & focuses on the 4th, that wasn't done. He'd totally ignore him at the dinner table when he spoke or asked questions - we no longer eat together once my son found his teenage voice he said he didn't want to eat at the table.

I tried everything to work with my husband, all wrong apparently, I even offered to go to family counseling to learn what I WAS DOING WRONG if he would come with me. ~Not!!~ He didn't need some shrink telling him how to raise a kid.

Things continued and often got worse, much worse. It would take pages to recount it all. I've often wondered about a marriage so young that had so many bad/sad memories and few good ones.

I went from a loving, giving, carefree person with a great job & a loving, outgoing son to a woman who left her job of 23 yrs depleted due to chronic pain & perpetual stress. I battle depression often, I carry anxiety everyday, I see a therapist and (joy, joy) am on a cocktail of drugs just to deal with the challenges of what has become my daily life . The constant battles & fights used to distroy me - I could barely function afterwards I was so wounded and confused as to 'how to fix things'. I'm virtually numb now. I don't (often) try to fix or even discuss things anymore. *An aspect my husband has noticed and uses against me now ... 'you don't even try anymore' ~ he's right, I've lost my will ~ period.

My biggest concern is my son (I can/will recover). Now 21 he essentially lives in his room - he chose not to go to college and doesn't look for or hold jobs long. When he recieves positive feedback he excels - minimal criticism and he shuts down. If you ask me, he's depressed and his self-assurance/esteem is extremely fragile if it exists at all. Sadly he often relays the same/similar negative, caustic opinions that his step-father does - at times directed at himself. He is very defensive and sees most everything as a criticism. Wonder why!! Offers (demands?) to have him go see/talk with someone are met with 'thats a waste of time; 'what do they know' ... where have I heard this before!

HazelGlitter I am telling you all this because you need to protect your daughter, son & yourself. Growing up in a 'home' full of negativity & ARGUMENTS will destroy all of you slowly but surely. The children are at the greatest risk, your daughter certainly but also your son. Even though he is not often the recipient of the critism & threats he has to live in the environment. As for yourself, your personality & relationship with your husband will change, the frequency of arguments will increase, your willingness to resolve/mitigate problems will lessen and resentment will grow.

I know I am projecting my story on to you but some effects are inveitable. As for me, now that I'm no longer working and husband's retired I tend to live in my room as well. Husband moved into other room abt. 1 1/2 yrs ago. For the most part I no longer miss the contact.

Why do I stay? That's partially why I'm here reading ... as I said, I believe I know. The question is how do I work through/around my issues. BTW, even though I dislike being 'alone' another relationship is the last thing on my mind! My ability to sustain myself financially is of foremost concern.

Pls consider what I've written here ... the toll negativity has taken on my life is immeasurable, the effect it has had on my son is criminal. Don't let this happen to your children or yourself.

I wish you lots of support, strength, and courage in whatever path you take.

~ Irish

Thank you for responding. I haven't been on here in a while. Mostly because I am depressed. All of the effects you have talked about are already happening. My self esteem is destroyed, I don't know who I am, I don't even want to argue anymore so I try to find the easiest way out. I just try to keep him off my daughter's back. I have been put on depression medicine early in our relationship and should have seen the signs. My dosage has had to be raised several times because I just can't stand reality I suppose. My daughter's behavior is changing for the worst. Even the babysitter has noticed. She has a hard time making any decision at all because I think she is just scared to upset someone. We had a discussion the other day on whether she should choose the white doughnuts or the black ones. Everything I do in the house I try not to cause a stir. If she wants to bring something to school (as simple as a pretty pencil) and he sees her with it he will get angry with her. I will catch her before she comes out of her room and make her stick it in her backpack. What is her view of me by doing this? She told me the other day that she was never going to get married. She wants to have a baby girl but she doesn't want to have a husband. When asked why, she said because husbands are mean and they tell you what to do. How sad is it for a seven year old to have that view.

I know many single parents that make things work in their life but I am scared to take that step. Where am I going to go? I have no moral or emotional support other than on here. How am I going to make money? We work at the same place so I would have to quit my job.

I am at a point where my ex and I still talk every few months or so and it is just to say hi and he asks if I have support from friends and family to help me in my situation. I am not even worried about a relationship with him as of right now as far as dating goes. I really just want my children to be safe and happy even if I am single for the rest of my life. I believe I need to focus on them more than anything else. I just need to be strong but it is so hard to do.

[IrishRed]

Just checking in w/you ... tried to write direct but, apparently don't have enough PMs .... so, here's no. 2.

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by IrishRed

Just checking in w/you ... tried to write direct but, apparently don't have enough PMs .... so, here's no. 2.

I haven't seen any new PMs.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster because after I get mad and want to leave him....I change my mind and want to stay with him. I don't know where I would go and how I would support myself and my kids. They both love him and I am scared of taking them away from the only father they have known.

We had a conversation last night and he said he doesn't see how he is being verbally and emotionally abusive. He says that any woman that stays in an abuse relationship is stupid. He also believes that all women are "dirty hoes" at some point in their life and they are always the ones to cheat and that no matter what the man does it is the woman's fault. When he realized I was really upset by all of this, he said he was just trying to aggravate me and that was not really how he felt. That is really how he feels because he has made many comments over the years saying the same things. I am sad and confused and mad.

[Leed]

Hazel ~ You have GOT to get your kids OUT of there!!! I stayed with a VERBALLY, EMOTIONALLY abusive man for 26 YEARS for the sake of my kids! And you know what??? My son is a hopeless alcoholic, who could NEVER please his father. My daughter, thank God, was strong enoough to rise above his abuse, and is herself a successful mother -- but her own daughter is a rebellious teenager. Luckily my daughter knows how to handle her.

But the fact that I stayed with that man destroyed my son. And it didn't do ME ANY good either! My self-esteem was destroyed, and I TOO became an alcoholic. I drank myself into oblivion for 20 years! He had beaten me down into thinking I was stupid, useless, worthless, unlovable, ugly, yadayada -- so I drank to ease the pain and escape. Thank God for AA -- they saved my life and I've now been sober almost 19 years.

Hazel, even if you have to go to a SHELTER -- get those kids OUT of there and get an ORDER OF PROTECTION against him saying that he abuses your daughter and you!!! You CAN get one! He won't be able to come within 100 yds. of you. (or something to that efffect). You can always get your stuff from the house later when you find a place to live - and have the police come with you. BUT GET OUT. Those kids can't AFFORD to stay around him any longer.

As far as "visitation" -- you can have the judge DENY that, if you can convince him that it's in the best interest of your daughter -- she may have to talk to the judge. But that's ok!!!

I wish you the very best Hazel. Don't be afraid. It's always scary being on your own, but YOU'LL MAKE IT. Your kids come first! God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hazel ~ You have GOT to get your kids OUT of there!!! I stayed with a VERBALLY, EMOTIONALLY abusive man for 26 YEARS for the sake of my kids! And you know what??? My son is a hopeless alcoholic, who could NEVER please his father. My daughter, thank God, was strong enoough to rise above his abuse, and is herself a successful mother -- but her own daughter is a rebellious teenager. Luckily my daughter knows how to handle her.

But the fact that I stayed with that man destroyed my son. And it didn't do ME ANY good either! My self-esteem was destroyed, and I TOO became an alcoholic. I drank myself into oblivion for 20 years! He had beaten me down into thinking I was stupid, useless, worthless, unlovable, ugly, yadayada -- so I drank to ease the pain and escape. Thank God for AA -- they saved my life and I've now been sober almost 19 years.

Hazel, even if you have to go to a SHELTER -- get those kids OUT of there and get an ORDER OF PROTECTION against him saying that he abuses your daughter and you!!! You CAN get one! He won't be able to come within 100 yds. of you. (or something to that efffect). You can always get your stuff from the house later when you find a place to live - and have the police come with you. BUT GET OUT. Those kids can't AFFORD to stay around him any longer.

As far as "visitation" -- you can have the judge DENY that, if you can convince him that it's in the best interest of your daughter -- she may have to talk to the judge. But that's ok!!!

I wish you the very best Hazel. Don't be afraid. It's always scary being on your own, but YOU'LL MAKE IT. Your kids come first! God bless. Hugs, Lee

I am very proud of you for being sober for 19 years. That is fantastic! I hope that you stay strong and I hope that I can gain courage.