[JD83304450]

Hello, I'm in a bit of a pickle. My wife and I have been married almost 11 yrs. I thought we had a good relationship up til 3 monthes ago. At that point I started suspecting she was in a relationship with another man. After about a month of searching and spying I confronted her and she confessed. It turns out she had been texting someone else because he was going through the same feelings and as you guessed it; it just clicked and they became close to the point of engaging in some type of emotional relationship. At the point of my confrontation, she immediately broke it off with him. We still love each other and still live together but everything has changed. She says that there never was that type of love that she envisioned as to be a soulmate with me. I am having a hard time forgiving her and at the least trusting her. I do not want to end our marriage. We have too many good times together. We have 2 children and we still kiss and say I love you morning and night. It is just awkward right now. We have been to counselling and I have told her that I am willing to try to make things better only if she is 100% committed. I gave it a year of trying to make things better. Our sex life has ground to a halt and I don't see it getting better any time soon which is understood. I'm trying to put what she did behind me. I understand that there was a reason for her straying which was the real problem. I'm not that great a conversationalist; but I'm trying to improve. I really don't know where she stands yet as far as to what she intends to do. It's just hard to be in this middle ground of not knowing which way to go. Do I stay with this and hope we can improve our marriage or are we just on a path to separation. Only time will tell and this is going to be one long year. Any advice would be appreciated thank you-- d

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm sorry this happened. Any time a spouse cheats, it causes a great rift in the marriage.

You say you went into counseling -- are you still IN counseling? Did the counselor "teach" you two how to communicate? That's a BIGGIE in marriage. You also say that you're trying to do better in that department, but it's slow going. Evidently the counselor either didn't touch on it, or didn't do a very good job with it. You two have GOT to be able to communicate and do it openly and honestly -- or isn't SHE into it? If she's not receptive and isn't participating, then the communication can't happen. You can't talk to yourself. LOL Well, you can but someone might commit you.

If she isn't putting as much into repairing this marriage as you are, then she obviously isn't as committed to this marriage as you are. If that's the case, then what's the point? You can't do this alone. It's going to take both of you to make things right.

The fact that you haven't been a "good conversationalist" is NOT a good reason for her to cheat! So don't make excuses for her. What she did was wrong and she needs to realize that. Has she ever apologized to you? If not, that's another problem. She doesn't even realize she did something wrong! If she HAS apologized, then that's good. But again, just because you aren't a good talker is a rotten excuse for cheating.

I hope you two are still in counseling because you two STILL need it, and need to know HOW to communicate. Let's just hope your wife is open to it. I wish you the very best, my friend. Will you PLEASE keep us posted on your progress? We'd surely like to know because we care about you. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Mike_J]

You know I don't think putting a time limit on things is a good idea. Despite my situation I believe that a good marriage is worth fighting for, and to have a good marriage requires that both people in it are willing and ARE fighting for it.

So if counseling seems to be helping and she is working to bridge the gap then an arbitrary one year deadline seems counterproductive. On the other hand if she isn't willing to put in the work and counseling doesn't seem to be helping a year is a VERY long time to wait to start getting on with your life.

And either way, make sure you have a good handle on your finances.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

So if counseling seems to be helping and she is working to bridge the gap then an arbitrary one year deadline seems counterproductive. On the other hand if she isn't willing to put in the work and counseling doesn't seem to be helping a year is a VERY long time to wait to start getting on with your life.

Great point! I made that mistake and now feel I have to live with it.

[JD83304450]

To everyone.... We are still in counselling but things are not going good. We recently went on our trip south that we had planned long time ago. Everything started great but about mid-way things went sour. We started having talks about separation and the kids. Yes she has apologized for everything she has done but she keeps doing things that really hurt our relationship. I know that she has since made contact with the other person. She really feels trapped right now. She has no where to go and no one to talk to other than him. She has let no one know of her mistake and I thinks this is what's hurting her the most. I have confided in a few people and it helps me to talk about it. She keeps everything inside. I'm trying to keep things together but I'm losing hope. I know I have a future...I just don't know my direction anymore. I'm trying....it's really hard right now .
Thank you for your kind words. D

Originally Posted by JD83304450

To everyone.... We are still in counselling but things are not going good. We recently went on our trip south that we had planned long time ago. Everything started great but about mid-way things went sour. We started having talks about separation and the kids. Yes she has apologized for everything she has done but she keeps doing things that really hurt our relationship. I know that she has since made contact with the other person. She really feels trapped right now. She has no where to go and no one to talk to other than him. She has let no one know of her mistake and I thinks this is what's hurting her the most. I have confided in a few people and it helps me to talk about it. She keeps everything inside. I'm trying to keep things together but I'm losing hope. I know I have a future...I just don't know my direction anymore. I'm trying....it's really hard right now .
Thank you for your kind words. D

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can relate to how you feel, only my husband is the one that is cheating on me. He's almost 65 and has a craving for younger women. We have also been together for eleven year's although we don't have children together. I too am at a loss because he is so blatant about doing what he want's regardless of how it affects me. I think that neither your wife or my husband are justified in any way, there is no excuse. moral's and standards used to be important, it seem's things have changed.
warm wishes to you.

[JD83304450]

I'm still here.... thank you everyone for your support. I too do not like timelines to determine our fate. It's just something our counsellor asked me and I said I'd give it up to a year. I also said that it was a load of $&!# to put a hard target out there. I'm trying to look past everything that has happened and move forward. But as long as she keeps putting up walls I'm going to have to change my game plan. SHE just sees hurt in my eyes and can't find it in her heart to move past this. I know she's trying...its that she doesn't feel I deserve her love and her mine. We're both thinking of the kids and it hurts to bring them into this mess. They are so innocent and right now they see mommy and daddy in love. Slow and steady I guess and hope for the best..... D.

[LightningMan]

As I went through the end of my marriage, I found that I had to concentrate on keeping me okay and if she came back, she came back. She, as you can tell, didn't come back. But I am better now. I am not saying your marriage will end as mine did, but I am saying that you cannot control her and keeping track of her infidelities and transgressions is torturing you. Should she stop? Yes. But you cannot make her. And if she doesn't stop or try to get individual help for stopping, then you'll have your answer.

[bodd12]

I believe forgiveness is independent of rebuilding. Forgiveness has to come first. As far as putting it behind you, ignoring it won't accomplish that. I presume ignoring the emotional affair is really what you mean by your words "trying to look past". Talking about both of your vulnerabilities can be an essential part of rebuilding. If she would rather talk with him than you, that just doesn't work. To say she has to be 100% committed may not be realistic until she feels loved by you, I presume she doesn't feel that. If she would prefer to share her heart with him instead of you, that must the break point. She is making her choice, you need to make her understand that (gently) and let her choose. You can not choose for her, but, you don't have to allow her to continue in an intimate relationship (it's intimate even though presumably not physical) while she lives as your wife.

[JD83304450]

once again thanks for your kind words. As far an update is concerned, she isn't in contact with him any more and probably won't any more. WE seem to be trying to keep things going. She sees how much she hurt me and probably feels a bit guilty for the mess. Hope for the best I guess. Its just going to take alot of time to reconnect if we can do this at all. Just takes alot of effort to get the ball rolling. I hope we can do it.