[Diversion]

It's been a while since I was last here.

My husband and I just split about three weeks ago. We have had problems in the past but this time seems to be permanent.

I seem to be going through a grieving process as if he is dead although we have talked on the phone almost every day since he left.

We have both tried to stay civil towards one another but there are so many emotions raging.

I guess I'm just confused because it seems we are getting along better now and we both are so upset over it and miss and love each other. We both have made some changes that caused a lot of our fights.

Am I wrong for wanting to hold on? Am I just weak for wanting him back and putting a band aid on the feelings?

I am actually mad at family members and my therapist for making it seem like he is a horrible person and siding with me. They all seem to think I am SO much better without him and all I can think is.."yeah, but you aren't alone and crying all the time".

I don't want to go back to a bad situation but I also firmly believe we are meant to be together and I would never feel the same about anyone. I do trust him and love him, I just got tired of fighting. Is that reason enough to end a marriage?

[NWgirl2013]

If he wants to be with you, and you with him...that is, to me, saying a lot.

Separating can be useful as a tool I think. Me & H did that, for a lot longer than you, and it gave each of us a new perspective & appreciation for what we had, what was in danger of being lost & that we had to work even harder to save it than we ever thought ~ to get it right.

We had to establish rules for how we communicate. But we didn't really fight, it was worse, no real talking at all!

As to those around you, no one really knows what is between two people, even your therapist. Only you & he know if this can be sorted out.

I wish you only the best in this. I am sorry you are sad...

[Diversion]

Thank you NWgirl2013.

I've been trying to give him space. I wish he hadn't left so suddenly after the fight. We were both mad and said some pretty awful things to each other.

I just know that no one else knows me like he does. I don't believe anyone ever will.

I have tried a couple times to get him to go with me to couples counseling but he has shot it down for one reason or another. No, we can't afford it. I can't explain to him that is it worth the money, all our money to make this work. But I do get what he's saying. I just wanted a mediator, someone on the outside, to show us what we are doing wrong.

I'm already sick of being on my own. I'm tired of the silence and all the thoughts in my head that won't quit disturbing me. No amount of distraction is enough to take my mind completely off of it.

And it makes me angry that I've been to see the family physician and therapist yet no one seems to think I need to be on medication yet. I've barely been able to eat anything and I can't manage a full night's sleep. My sense of everything has just gone out the window. I clearly cannot manage life right now. Does that not indicate I need to be on something to help? idk....

I am just full of frustration and regret and sadness. Everyone else seems to be going on with their happy lives while I sit here and look at the mess I've made with mine.

Thank you again for your kind words. It's nice to hear someone be sympathetic without taking sides or feeling sorry for me. I'm starting to cringe every time I hear those words "everything happens for a reason" and "you'll be fine" ugh...

[LishaXYZ]

Originally Posted by Diversion

Thank you NWgirl2013.

I've been trying to give him space. I wish he hadn't left so suddenly after the fight. We were both mad and said some pretty awful things to each other.

I just know that no one else knows me like he does. I don't believe anyone ever will.

I have tried a couple times to get him to go with me to couples counseling but he has shot it down for one reason or another. No, we can't afford it. I can't explain to him that is it worth the money, all our money to make this work. But I do get what he's saying. I just wanted a mediator, someone on the outside, to show us what we are doing wrong.

I'm already sick of being on my own. I'm tired of the silence and all the thoughts in my head that won't quit disturbing me. No amount of distraction is enough to take my mind completely off of it.

And it makes me angry that I've been to see the family physician and therapist yet no one seems to think I need to be on medication yet. I've barely been able to eat anything and I can't manage a full night's sleep. My sense of everything has just gone out the window. I clearly cannot manage life right now. Does that not indicate I need to be on something to help? idk....

I am just full of frustration and regret and sadness. Everyone else seems to be going on with their happy lives while I sit here and look at the mess I've made with mine.

Thank you again for your kind words. It's nice to hear someone be sympathetic without taking sides or feeling sorry for me. I'm starting to cringe every time I hear those words "everything happens for a reason" and "you'll be fine" ugh...

Hi there. No matter how much pain you're in, taking medication is not going to ease or stop the pain you will eventually have to face. Break ups are painful. There's no getting around that. What you're experiencing is normal. How long have you been married? Also, trying to distract yourself is useless. There's real pain there that needs to be addressed. Why do you want him back? I think that's a really important question to think about. Does he want you back?

I believe it takes two to fight and two to make up.

[Diversion]

This month would be five years we've been married.

And I'm not completely sure I want him back. A huge part of me does. Another part says it's just my loneliness and being so used to him that I want that familiarity back.

The part that wants him back says when I was with him was the only time I was really genuinely happy, the only time I felt like I had a real partner and someone who would protect and defend me no matter what... even if we fought a lot.

I'm not sure what his feelings on us are to be honest. He has called and said he misses me and that this sucks. He tells me he loves me and that he will always love me. But I'm not sure that means he wants to get back together and try again.

I want him to want me back. I want him to be miserable without me. Is that bad of me? I always said I wanted him to be happy but deep down I don't think I would deal well with him being happy without me.

Right now I"m trying not to say too much of this to him because i'm not sure how he would respond and I think it would be too much to hear him say no. So i'm just trying to deal with my own emotions on my own for now.

[Leed]

Do you think the longer you go, the harder it will be to hear if he DOESN'T want to come back??? Perhaps it would be better to hear now, rather than months on down the line. Then you'd have to start grieving all over again.
I think I'd want to know it now, and get it over with so I would only have to grieve once.

You ARE grieving right now, and you're grieving the loss of the marriage. You're grieving 5 years of your life. Grieving takes time, and you've got to be patient and good to yourself.

I wish you the very best. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Diversion]

Yes Leed, you are probably right. Although I don't know if I am strong enough to rip the band-aid off just yet.

I am a cowardly person sometimes.

It might help if he wasn't so damn cordial on the phone every time we talk, or if he hadn't called me late at night and told me (crying) how much he missed me.

I don't know if I'm more sad or angry at the moment.

It doesn't help that my financial state is in limbo.

I've just got too many emotions going on to see straight I think.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by Diversion

It's been a while since I was last here.

My husband and I just split about three weeks ago. We have had problems in the past but this time seems to be permanent.

I seem to be going through a grieving process as if he is dead although we have talked on the phone almost every day since he left.

We have both tried to stay civil towards one another but there are so many emotions raging.

I guess I'm just confused because it seems we are getting along better now and we both are so upset over it and miss and love each other. We both have made some changes that caused a lot of our fights.

Am I wrong for wanting to hold on? Am I just weak for wanting him back and putting a band aid on the feelings?

I am actually mad at family members and my therapist for making it seem like he is a horrible person and siding with me. They all seem to think I am SO much better without him and all I can think is.."yeah, but you aren't alone and crying all the time".

I don't want to go back to a bad situation but I also firmly believe we are meant to be together and I would never feel the same about anyone. I do trust him and love him, I just got tired of fighting. Is that reason enough to end a marriage?

Do you like fighting? I hope you don't take it the wrong way and try to justify staying with him if I point out that there are some people who can only express the value of the relationship by fighting. I am just stating what I have witnessed. I am not placing any judgements on anyone.

The goal should be mutually acceptable and minimally destructive to both/ all people involved. Those are my thoughts, so take what you like and leave the rest behind.

[Diversion]

Do you like fighting? I hope you don't take it the wrong way and try to justify staying with him if I point out that there are some people who can only express the value of the relationship by fighting. I am just stating what I have witnessed. I am not placing any judgements on anyone.

I know you didn't mean to sound judgemental. I don't like the fighting. I have been on medication for anxiety and I began to realize I took it more when I was around him than when I was alone.

In the past , when we fought, I would not be able to eat or sleep. I always cried and he saw that as a manipulation. So the fighting was not enjoyable, at least for me.

But I have often thought because of his background that he was used to the fighting and didn't really know of any other way of addressing things. I saw a pattern forming after a while that he would always seem to have an enemy. When he patched things up with that person or they stopped talking to him, he would then have another enemy. When no one else was available I was that enemy. I've told him this but I don't think he took anything I said to heart. :/

He called at about midnight and after talking to him and gathering that he was just calling to tell me he missed me again and wanting to say good night, I told him he needed to stop telling me things like that. I said I couldn't handle the up and down we seem to be stuck in. I need to be clear on the fact that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said he was fairly sure. "Fairly"! Ugh.

I think more than anything right now I am scared of losing the familiarity of him and that if this is permanent then I'll end up being angry the rest of my life. So many angry feelings lately. I can't seem to keep them at bay.

[Diversion]

Had a really horrible conversation earlier with the husband. I am not feeling very stable at the moment. I just don't feel like there is anything left. My life is a hot mess. I don't see it getting any better. Bleh..whatever. I don't know why I'm even posting.

[healingme4me]

Are the two of you, talking about reconciling? It's tough when everyone tells you to get out.

There are self help books out there, for those in high conflict relationships, etc.

Granted, obviously, if your life in in danger, you may want to run to safety.

What's keeping him from coming home and supporting you with the bills?

[Diversion]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Are the two of you, talking about reconciling? It's tough when everyone tells you to get out.

There are self help books out there, for those in high conflict relationships, etc.

Granted, obviously, if your life in in danger, you may want to run to safety.

What's keeping him from coming home and supporting you with the bills?

We've talked about trying to make it work somehow but honestly I don't think he's prepared to put the effort into that. He is refusing to get help on his own and refuses to get counseling together so that's a no go.

The day after we fought he packed his bags and left. He's now about 600 miles away from me.
I am waiting to see about my new place so maybe I can get something back on deposits to help pay everything but the waiting and not knowing is killing me.

Of course he's giving me the hard luck story about how he had to spend all this money and borrow from his parents to get into his place and start over, but I didn't ask him to do that.
It's so exhausting at this point. It's all I can do to have a conversation with him without wanting to yell or cry or say something mean in response to his behavior.

I did go to the psychiatrist today and he put me back on Lithium so I"m hoping that helps with the depression and moodiness I've been dealing with.