....I think I might be able to avoid this

I'm just going to skip all the details as simply say that I do not want my marriage to come to an end. I never did really. I know he loves me. And I recognize he is hurting just like me. He says has no interest in making an effort to make it work but I do and I think its just his hurt talking. It's just.. certain little things.. So I did a little googling and realized there might be a way I could possibly fix our relationship myself.. I am a survivor of so many things. Horrible unspeakable things.. and its only because I refused to give up that I am still alive. This should not be any different, ya know? I just.. this.. I really dont want to lose it. As difficult as things have been, he is still the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

So.. my question is.. has anyone ever tried to save their relationship solo using the methods like those listed in "Stop Your Breakup"? or are you currently trying to? (Btw I recommend downloading kindle for pc -its free- and reading the free sample of this book to better understand what I am asking.)

I just want to give it a shot and I was wondering if anyone else had tried it or something similar.. or if anyone would be interested in possibly forming a support group and doing this together?

Wow.. so many views and not one response.

...This is hard. How can it not be? It's a devastating ordeal. Its soul-crushing and makes us feel as though our hearts are literally being ripped from our chests.

For me, this will be the 2nd time I have had to go through it. It will be the second time I will be standing before the judge where it will be all to obvious that I have no family by my side while my husband is seen with several members of his. It will be the 2nd time that I am seen, representing myself because I cant afford a lawyer, while my husband looks very well prepared. It will be the 2nd time I lose a child. It will be the 2nd time I fake my strength the best I can while my inlaws either turn their noses up at me or look at me with disdain... In fact it will be the 2nd time for may unpleasant things.

There is only 1 difference. (Well, other than the people involved.).

Difference is that , the main reason for this one is largely because I went so long having BPD and it went undiagnosed. The request for divorce came the day after I had an emotional breakdown. Pretty crappy, wouldn't you say?

Anyway, I have been doing a lot or research and I actually had a decent post typed out but I kept falling asleep at my desk and at some point, somehow, I hit my backspace to make a correction and instead it took me to the page I was on prior. Needless to say, when I returned to my post, It was wiped completely. Im not thrilled/

so, I just wanted to share that with you guys. That and the fact that I happened upon a a page called stopyourdivorce.com and it inspired me to research more into how one can, indeed, save their marriage. Even if the other has given up. I'm going to do my best to try.

I also found this link.. wikihow.com/Avoid-Getting-a-Divorce

Wish me luck.

I hope things work out well for you this time. Divorce is never easy. I know. I've been through one as well, and am married now to my 2nd wife. I don't really have a good answer for you. My first marrigae ended, partly, because of the meddling of my own family. I just wanted to let you know that I sorta understand what you're going through, and care. I really hope that this works out well for you.

I've never been married because I thought that if I married the men I dated in the past we would end up divorcing several years into the marriage, and I didn't want that. If I were ever to get married, I wanted it to be for life. I'm so afraid of divorce. So I can relate to what you're going through.

You have my support and my ears to listen to you. I don't know how you can save a marriage when one party is so adamant on leaving and has already served you papers. Also I think it's rather heartless of him to ask for a divorce a day after you were diagnosed with BPD. You would think a caring partner would stay and help nurse you back to health during your darkest hours of need, you know? If it were me I would feel very hurt and abandoned. I would probably sue him for restitution and tell the judge that he contributed to my emotional breakdown because he is, isn't he? You're emotionally on a rollercoaster of feelings of depression and pain not just because you were diagnosed with BPD but also because he asked for a divorce the next day. Who is to say that he didn't contribute to your current mental state? It's like you're being victimized twice in a row. It isn't fair.

And you should fight for custody of your child, or at least joint custody. Tell the judge he's a heartless sociopath for abandoning you and trying to psychologically destroy you by even taking your child away from you.

He is not the good guy here. There are no angels and devils in a divorce. It takes two to tango. He is just as responsible as you. If he tries to say you're an unfit wife and mother, you can turn around and say the same thing about him, because he's not doing his duty as a husband. When you get married you take vows before a judge. It's a legal binding contract. And one of those vows is in sickness and in health. And well he's running out on you when you are sick. So he is an unfit husband too.

I suggest you get yourself a really good lawyer from the free legal society. Research for lawyers who will fight for mothers. And they will do this for free. At least you'll get joint custody and possibly alimony.

I just want you to know that this is not your fault. You are not a bad person. And you don't deserve this.

I don't know all the details about your particular case, but I want you to know that this isn't your fault. It's not your fault that you got sick. It's like coming home from the doctor and telling your husband you have cancer and then he goes out and cheats on you. I personally know two people in real life who have had this happen to them. It's the same thing for you. You don't have cancer, but you have an illness. And there are just certain types of men who can't deal with that and jump ship as soon as they can.

I wish the best for you.

I cannot say I've ever read that book.

He filed for divorce and is planning to take your child?! But, if you were recently diagnosed, then that means, to me, that you are under doctors care. Which means, if you are in therapy, and working on your illness, then how the heck can a judge just tear custody away from you?

What type of father, decides that he doesn't want their child to have their mom in their life?! ((or even vice versa...))

Do you have a social worker or anyone that can help get you some free legal counseling?

There just has to be some way, for you to not lose any form of custody of your child!!!

And, why wasn't he trying to work on things with you in joint counseling, before filing papers???

Lunatrope,
I'm thinking good thoughts for you and I'm hoping that things will work out. I can feel your pain as my wife recently left me and it turns out I had been depressed for a very long time without understanding what was happening to me. But, in the end, the undiagnosed depression was the source of many of our problems. Now that I know why I was pushing her away it's hard to sort it all out.

There may be some ways for you to save your marriage, but I'm not so sure you can do it solo. You both have to make it work. I think you should tell your husband how you feel about what's happening and what you are willing to do to keep the two of you together. Good communication is something my wife and I struggled with and after all that's happened, I really believe better communication would have made all the difference.

If you're as honest and open as you can be about how you feel, and you're ready and willing to do the things you say you will do to save your relationship, I think that's the best you can do. And if it still doesn't work out, you'll know that you gave it your all and you can be proud of that. The BPD will likely try to tell you otherwise, but in moments of clarity, you'll see that you did something very great and important- you gave it everything you had to give. And that's worth a lot! And so are you!!!

Thanks for good info, and I'm gonna check out. My situation is similar tho my hub not quite there yet. Just about. Hang in there and I wish you the best. I know it is heartbreaking but worth fixing what you can, or at least making your best attempt. I've come to that understanding!

I think you are so right, here!

I enjoyed your post. Can also relate to family meddling issue. Very challenging!

Wow, this strikes me quite a lot. My husband was depressed recently and I tried to talk to him about things. He pushed me away constantly. And then when I finally confronted him, he told me that he's not sure he loves me and he can't commit even to working on things with me.

Since then, he's changed his mind. When he said he didn't love me, it was because he saw love as being feeling good when you're with someone. So, because he was depressed, he assumed he didn't love me. So now he's looking at love a different way and assumes he loves me.

The thing is, I know he's struggling, he's been depressed and is incapable of dealing with stress. I'm trying to be there for him even though he's hurt me deeply. And I wonder if you could give me some advice, as someone whose depression led to a failed marriage. What can I do? Am I stupid in feeling as hurt as I do? Right now everything I'm feeling is on hold so that I can help him. But my needs aren't being met and I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

I think the most important thing that has to happen is that your husband has to take steps to improve his mental state. If he's not seeking treatment, nothing is going to improve.

No matter what you're feeling through this, don't ever think you're stupid for feeling that way. You're having those feelings for a reason. It does hurt and it's good to recognize the feelings you're having. Try to understand though, he may not be thinking clearly and is likely acting on thoughts he's having due to the way he's feeling because of being depressed. In a clearer, more rational state of mind, his thoughts will probably be much different.

If you are supportive and encouraging, it could make all the difference in your husband becoming healthy and the two of you staying together. It also will be helpful to learn as much as you can about depression and how to treat it. When my marriage was falling apart, I didn't know anything about depression and everything felt so hopeless that I didn't even try to stop it from happening. If I knew about depression I'm sure I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now.

If you love each other and are willing to work for it, I'm sure you can save your relationship and it's worth the effort!

It's been quite awhile since I have been back here. I got notice of some very cruel things he posted about me online. I'm not going to repost here nor am I going to share the changes he made to our photobucket account when it comes to images of me. Long story short, I ended up in a mental institution that day because I was a hair's breath away from shooting myself in the head. (Not the way I would have ever imagined myself to go, fyi. Too messy, too scary.. too everything) But his words, combined with so much of my own personal history and the situation at hand was just too much to handle. So i broke the lock to the gun cabinet and loaded a .38, sent him a text apologizing for being such a horrible person and the mess I as was about to make. He showed up and took the gun a split-second before I pulled the trigger.x

12 days later, out of the mental health place... still going to get a divorce.. still havent seen my kid.. but i'm also at the point where i don't think it is wise for me to try and salvage anything. i will always love him. that will never change. but right now i have to be selfish.. excuse me "self-caring" and focus on a future of being alone for the first time in my life. i'm terrified. i wont lie. but i am also drained and now just want to get through it without losing my mind again.. (or.. my life)

Thank you to all who responded though. It means so much to me to come back and see your thoughts.

As an aside.. I feel horrible that I can't bring myself to respond to anyone's posts in this particular section of the forums. So.. who ever reads this and is going through or dealing with the aftermath of divorce, please, please know my thoughts are with you and my silence is not because I don't care. It's because I feel too weak to be able to handle reading/commenting/be supportive at the moment. I am very, very sorry.